DH contacted the OW shortly after ‘ending it’…

[Pickle991]

I have a previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564371-when-do-you-finally-throw-in-the-towel-after-affair-discovery

To recap I discovered just over half a year ago DH had had multiple affairs. We have 3 young DC. Latest was emotional and physical and he only ended it when I found out at my insistence.

We have been trying to reconcile. Tbh I think I am still in shock. However yesterday I found out he had been in contact with the most recent OW again after he had ended it, shortly after I initially found out.

He said it was to ‘end it properly on his own terms’ and they haven’t restarted anything. I am fairly sure that’s true as I’m not sure he would have had the opportunity. She lives very far away now and DH has been WFH. I have sight over everything inc. bank accounts so I’d notice if anything was amiss. But it just makes me feel there was a lot more between them than he let on although he denies it. He has also looked her up on social media since too, which he doesn’t know I know, but no contact.

I feel like this is just another betrayal AGAIN and it’s small in comparison to everything else, ie, nothing has carried on. But it’s made me feel like the one who has essentially ripped them apart and that DH is only staying for DC and he still misses her. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and should focus on the fact he has been trying to make things work and residual feelings are normal, or if I am always going to be compared unfavourably to her and they would still be together now if I hadn’t found out. It was a fairly long term thing.

We had made some progress reconciling, in that we’re at least not at loggerheads so much, still don’t know if it will work in the long run but it’s been hard and now I don’t know if it’s worth throwing all that away because of this now.

If you don't mind him cheating in the future, or willing to turn a blind eye to it, then stay.

I cheated, and know a few men who have, and in all cases it was done because the relationship didn't give them something they needed. This isn't your fault, but honestly, I'd be sceptical it will ever be solved.

Seems like you’re desperate to keep this worthless bloke, you know he’s utterly untrustworthy, you can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth, do you actually believe he is where he says he is, and that he only has 1 phone? You’re in a one-sided open marriage. It’s a sham, he’s robbing you and your kids.

get monthly STD tests and raise your kids to not follow your appalling example of what marriage is. Tell the shagger to not rub his lovers in your face the next ones he gets.

it’s hard to work out how you feel about something when you just don’t know the truth!

Start with that OP.
Discombobulated by the fact that you do not know the truth.

Kept from your feelings by the moving goal posts.

Do you accept that? Could you accept that long term? Is it fine for your nearest and dearest to impose that on you?

keep going like that - you need to bring EVERYTHING back to you and how YOU feel.

in your previous thread, and in this one there is very little of you.

Find yourself.

@Pickle991

Affairs are messy. And fall out - reconciliation or not is messy as well, so bumps aren’t unusual.
I hope you aren’t just reconciling and dealing with it by sweeping it under a rug -
and you are seeing a couples counsellor to help you process and rebuild.
And you should really see someone just for you to help deal with your feelings.

i think his wanting to have a closure with the OW is understandable and human. Shows he is not a total psychopath.
it doesn’t mean he’d rather be with her - he would be if that was the case.
But some degree of missing something that used to give him a high is of course also natural.

Good luck with rvertjng

I feel like I would be overreacting to end it over this

Mate, you were under reacting not to end it when you found out his affair was one of several (while you've been married, bringing his kids into the world, raising his kids etc).

Focusing on this contact after he said he'd cut contact with his most recent affair partner, is a kind of red herring. Because he's had multiple affairs on you. The fact that he dud is neither here nor there; his behaviour has been such that you should get rid of him, whether he did or didn't.

You can make your decision about the correct course of action at any time after, you've probably been in shock and self preservation, keep functioning mode since you found out.

As an aside, "on his own terms" ie "not when and how you made me" ... let's see, why did you make him; because you're hos wife and mother of his kids and he was caught having his latest of several affairs on you, but yeah, he still felt entitled to contact her abd end thirds on his own terns. The level of arrogance, entitlement, amorality, avknof empathy, lack of gratitude for not being thrown out immediately..... I'd hard to express.

It reflects his character.

He either thinks you, or all.women, are a door mat for him to wipe his feet on

There is no winning with a man like that.

i think his wanting to have a closure with the OW is understandable and human.

Yes, he should definitely have the opportunity to end his relationships with each of his successive other women, while married with kids, on his terms. Very human of him.

Meanwhile, it would be very human of op to smash his head in with a wine bottle. That would be equally understandable.

I think he knows you’ll never leave, if I’m honest.

I've said it always but I'll reiterate.

The cast majority of men would never ever take this shit from women ... they would think be called slappers, possibly mentally ill, and their fitness to parent their kids would be called into question.

Tjeteceould be no "aw, its totally understandable that she'd want to speak to her (latest) other bloke in person to end it, it's shows she's not a psychopath at least. Hope your counselling goes well, naybe together, with lots of support, you can find out and solve why she's felt the inclination to repeatedly open her legs for other men, and spend lots of your ga ily money on & with them, during your relationship and marriage".

It would not happen.

The standards for men are set so low by some posters a flea couldnt get under the bar.

Shows he is not a total psychopath.

Well, that's the ideal partner isn't it .... not a total psychopath.

Just a serial cheat, liar, and someone who spends piles of your family money on other women he's shagging.

Probably trying to keep both camps happy. Had she been upset she might have caused issues for him, attempted to contact me. I don’t know.

I am here to add my voice to everyone else.
My 'D'H cheated on me several times, last time 2 years ago. I forgave him for sake of our DS. I found out this last Christmas it had actually continued longer than I thought (found a load of FB messages about how they were going to keep it a secret from me and to be more careful!).
Fast forward to 4m ago I find him back in contact with her - it was like a light switch went off.
The scales fell from my eyes and I knew what I had to do, I told him that moment we were finished he could do one.
I feel great, best decision EVER. It is hard don't get me wrong but I feel so in control no more lies, wondering is he at work, who is that text from, he's a bit late why, another dog walk he's keen.........
Only you know what to do but deep down you feel it. You are not the problem

You worry that you are over-reacting? You've been under-reacting all along. He has cheated on you, multiple times. He only ended the last one because you found out. He would still be with her now if you hadn't. He might even have left you for her by now.

Why would you want to stay with him? He is a cheat and he lies to you. He doesn't respect you. He isn't capable of being faithful. You will never be able to fully trust him. And that is all on him. Not you. You haven't over-reacted at any point. You have, for some reason, allowed this man to stick around despite the fact he's a lousy husband.

I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but you deserve so much better. A good marriage doesn't involve any amount of being lied to or cheated on. It doesn't have any amount of not being able to trust what your partner says. In a good marriage you know without any hint of doubt that your partner loves you and you alone. You don't have to have therapy to be able to be happy.

You deserve better.

This.

Thete shouldn't be two "camps" in the first place.

And it hasn't even been a one off.

We don't have to share men, we're not living in rural Africa or an Islamic state; we have welfare, benefits, rights to work, rights to divorce..... why stay with a man who forces you to share him.

He's probably going to knock up another woman who's irresponsible with contraception or desperate to win the pick me dance sooner or late, or perhaps leave you for one.

He's also got tk ve some kind of sociopath or narc to gave behaved the way he does.

He clearly feels entitled to do so, has no integrity, no loyalty, no empathy etc.

You unknowingly picked a dud, it's unfortunate, it happens, many others have done it and will do it, it's not your fault; don't compound it by staying and letting him waste more of your life.

Your husband is a philanderer. You can either stay with him in the certain knowledge he will cheat again, or you can leave him and be happy - maybe even meet someone new and amazing who thinks the world of you and would never consider cheating on you. What you can’t do is change him or turn back the clock to a time when you thought you had a good marriage.

You have the Power OP, why are you trying to reconcile with such a rat for? He will never change. Show your children that's it's not acceptable to put up with awful behaviour, and that you have the strength to end it for good.

Well you said it yourself “he ended it at your insistence” not because he wanted to!

You are worth more.

Put yourself first and get rid of this dead weight.

OP what is the matter with you?
Why are you so passive about this?
Do you utterly hate yourself?

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity I’m not ready to end it. I’m terrified of being on my own whilst he will no doubt trot straight off to be with OW and I’m left with 3 kids. I’ve been with him most of my adult life. I feel like I need to get my head around what’s happened before I even consider getting the strength to forge a whole new life. I can’t reconcile what he’s done with who I thought he was.

It seems so obvious written down but when someone is apologising, begging to stay, you question yourself. He may want to pretend it never happened. Part of me does too. So it’s hard to ascertain how serious things are when I want to believe it’s not serious. And then simultaneously knowing it is. You adjust your parameters for what you will put up with because it fits better with what you want. I just want this to never have happened.

I know that might seem pathetic but when your whole world has been tipped upside you don’t know yourself, your thoughts, anything.

I’m trying to find myself in all this.

It’s hard to work out how you feel about something when you just don’t know the truth

Yes, and that's what your entire future will be if you stay with him

There have already been multiple affairs which you didn't know about, and on this allegedly "last" one he still can't tell the truth, so what possible reason is there to think he'll ever change?

No rush, op. Take your time and do things at your own pace.

I decided to take 5 years to focus on myself. I spent the time going to the gym, building up friendships, getting stronger, taking kids on days out alone, weekends away alone, eventually a week away just me and them. And saving.

In the end, all of a sudden, after about a year I just thought 'this is it, I'm going to leave' and I did, and I was fine.

You’re already on your own, love 😪