DH contacted the OW shortly after ‘ending it’…

[Pickle991]

I have a previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564371-when-do-you-finally-throw-in-the-towel-after-affair-discovery

To recap I discovered just over half a year ago DH had had multiple affairs. We have 3 young DC. Latest was emotional and physical and he only ended it when I found out at my insistence.

We have been trying to reconcile. Tbh I think I am still in shock. However yesterday I found out he had been in contact with the most recent OW again after he had ended it, shortly after I initially found out.

He said it was to ‘end it properly on his own terms’ and they haven’t restarted anything. I am fairly sure that’s true as I’m not sure he would have had the opportunity. She lives very far away now and DH has been WFH. I have sight over everything inc. bank accounts so I’d notice if anything was amiss. But it just makes me feel there was a lot more between them than he let on although he denies it. He has also looked her up on social media since too, which he doesn’t know I know, but no contact.

I feel like this is just another betrayal AGAIN and it’s small in comparison to everything else, ie, nothing has carried on. But it’s made me feel like the one who has essentially ripped them apart and that DH is only staying for DC and he still misses her. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and should focus on the fact he has been trying to make things work and residual feelings are normal, or if I am always going to be compared unfavourably to her and they would still be together now if I hadn’t found out. It was a fairly long term thing.

We had made some progress reconciling, in that we’re at least not at loggerheads so much, still don’t know if it will work in the long run but it’s been hard and now I don’t know if it’s worth throwing all that away because of this now.

@UrsulaBursula the issue was more I had made the decision to reconcile, and I now have new information and was trying to work out if it makes a difference or if I should focus on his behaviour since which has been for the most part good.

things like this just throw off your perspective and judgement. I don’t know if I’m overreacting to this now or not. I’m obviously more than aware the majority of opinions will be to leave him and he won’t change, however he has made an effort since. I don’t know if this now changes things. That’s all.

This.

I hope you don't feel it will be your failure in any way to end this marriage.
Its not, it is his.

Also do you think he'd be staying and "working on it" if it was you who'd vern discovered to have been fucking multiple men during your relationship/marriage?

Like 99% of men, you'd be s "fucking shut, mental, damaged" and he'd be out the door faster than you could blink.

*slut, obviously

OP, if you had made the decision to reconcile then I don't think your recent discovery should be cause to change your decision.
Yes, it's not on that he contacted her. But who knows - he might actually be telling the truth in that he wanted to end it his way.
I would guess that when a person is found out there is a flurry of nervous activity, e.g. immediate messaging saying 'she knows', agreement to keep communication quiet, arrangement then to meet up in person to talk about it? He might want to end things respectfully? Or am I being too generous? You say he has been making an effort with you so that is a good sign.

Not to mention if you'd been splashimg family money on your affair partner, instead of you (as a couple) and your kids.

You’ve made the decision to reconcile but you can quite easily go back on that; you can’t trust this man, and for very good reason. Every thing that comes out of his mouth will be questioned because he’s been so deceitful.

What advice would you be giving to your children if they were in this position as adults? You need to follow it too.

@cafcass123 thank you - yes I think if it had been recent it would be different.

He probably would have met her in person, to end it, but I wasn’t comfortable with that at all.

Oh for goodness sake, OP, why are your standards SO low? How much cheating and lying will it take for you to decide you are worth more than this?

He said it was to ‘end it properly on his own terms’. Because he’s the boss and he sets the terms. For everyone.

he has been repentant but seems like just lip service sometimes. Just so frustrated it feels like progress is being made and then straight back into feeling like shit.

And that’s how it will always be.

So sorry, OP. You have done your best and fone way beyond what anyone could expect of you.

The sooner you release yourself and DC, the sooner you and DC will start healing.

I have just learned the hard way that these types don't change. Someone pointed out to me I could be halle Berry and he'd still have done it.

My now ex of 13 weeks has had a "problem" with this behaviour for years and years. He had a 9 year relationship with a woman who he lived with and she was a perfectly attractive woman. She was very career driven and didn't have children. They had a cushy life together but throughout the relationship he just couldn't quite help messaging other women behind her back. I only know of one physical time when he drove back to his hometime to have sex with an old school friend. He faked a future with this woman too. All along he was still living with the ex and wanting her forgiveness. Couldn't stop though and she didn't want it anymore and never forgave him. Her claims were that was the 8th time she caught him out (I think the other 7 were phones only)

Anyhow he quit drinking after he moved out and hit rock bottom. Couldn't forgive himself for loosing her. He begins a relationship with me (2.5 years after they split) his behaviour hadn't changed. He was always messaging someone. He was even messaging the above ex who got into an emotional connection with him and created alot more complications with us. I worked out after we split there was at least 22 women he had unexplainable reasons to message. He was chasing after exes of his brother. His ex wives female relations. Old school friends. He just needed that attention. He destroyed our relationship pretty quickly with his behaviour. He had sex with a woman when we was on a break. He had met her on tinder and would have been messaging us both at the same time.

He's already been seen with another woman 12 weeks after we split.

I'm sorry I've written my story. But my point is. Your partner is who he is. He's sneaky. Hes immature. He's weak. He's easily tempted. He clearly gets fed up and flits. He's not honest. He's playing games.

He is not good enough for you. Your settling for a future of insecurities and worries. You'll always be thinking what's he doing. How are you going to handle that? You shouldn't have to train yourself to do so.

Now I'm standing back out the situation looking in I'm so sad for me. Why did I let it happen to me. I knew he was lying. I just stupidly thought I'd win.

You're a mug. Sorry. It's not just blatantly obvious he wants this woman but this is far from his first rodeo. Scrape your self esteem off the floor and go it alone

the issue was more I had made the decision to reconcile, and I now have new information and was trying to work out if it makes a difference

Of course it makes a difference. Your decision was made based on information he gave to you at that time. That information was false, a lie, so how can you have made an informed decision based on the wrong information ? Just because it was 18 months ago doesn't make it any better, if anything it's worse, because he's continued to lie to you for 18 months.

How many times have you asked him if he's spoken to her since he broke it off? How many times has he lied to you and said he's not spoken to her?

An important thing to know is how did you find out? Did he volunteer this information?

@TooHotToTangoToo no it was 6 months ago or thereabouts.

he didn’t tell me, I found out because of something she said in a later communication to him. Seemed off at the time but I left it as I wanted to put it all behind us. But then I questioned it, and he eventually confessed. But no, he didn’t volunteer the information.

he says that was the only time, right after it ended.

@Pickle991 how many times will he lie to you before you realise that the only true things that come out of his mouth are the truths that are beneficial to him. He didn't tell you to save your feelings, he didn't tell you because he didn't want to.

You wouldn't have known about this unless you'd found out and pushed the point, so he's continued to lie to you for a further 6 months.

“You know what he’s like. You either accept that and turn a blind eye to the shagging about and cash splashing, or you leave.

There’s no point trying to change him. All this wittering about couples counselling is pointless. He won’t commit to monogamy. Save your time and money.

If you opt to stay take regular STD checks, keep an eye on the bank accounts, and ask him to be discreet for your DC sake.”

This.

I also agree that the new information makes a difference. He made contact with her again despite your clear wishes. Wanting to end it his way is not a good enough reason. I love my DF but he was habitually unfaithful to my DM. His behaviour didn’t improve even after my mum kicked him out for a while. Mum divorced him in the end.

You know your H can’t keep it in his trousers because you have discovered numerous affairs. He doesn’t know how to be faithful and sees no reason why he should be despite you having 3 little ones at home.

That said, you don’t have to decide now. Decide when you’re good and ready. But in your shoes, I would start practising detachment from your H instead of working so very hard to keep him.

I remember your previous thread. It does seem like you keep re-drawing the line of what you’re prepared to tolerate. It just gets extended further and further.

I honestly doubt there has ever been a man in history who has had multiple affairs, stopped because he got caught and has then gone on to never cheat again. They always cheat again, past behaviour is an extremely accurate predictor of future behaviour. With a man like this I think the only way to truly continue the relationship long term is to accept that he is going to have other partners. If that's not something you can accept then trying to stay is just a recipe for further heartache. You can never trust him again.

he says that was the only time, right after it ended

What you haven’t explained is what did he contact her for? What was said? Did she respond?

I think this is an important factor in whether it’s a game changer or not, which is what you’re asking.

@Sharrowgirl he said to end things on his own terms that’s all I know. It was a phone call so I don’t know what was said.

I genuinely don’t believe there has been contact since then on either side and it has been quite a few months now. I expect she would have moved on and DH has been making an effort since. It’s just I didn’t know this had happened at the time.

I remember your other thread very well.

You will never get over this, op. I really can't understand why you're clinging on so hard to this shitbag of a man who has betrayed you so many times. You marriage is over. Let it be over and move on with your life.

100% this.

It is perfectly possible to accept him as he is, your relationship as you now know it to be. It's also perfectly possible to decide to not believe this and move to 'dont ask dont tell' and ignore any evidence of future cheating. If you want to, you can. What's in it for you? And is it/he worth it?

OP - I think it is time to stop thinking about him.
Did he contact her?
When was it?
Why did he contact her?
Was he straight about it?

It is time to withdraw from that, and to focus on you.

What kind of a marriage do I want?

What does a good relationship look like?

What am I willing to do for a marriage?

How should someone treat me?

How easy am I with dishonesty/lies?

etc etc etc

He doesn't really want the marriage. He just doesn't want the divorce , being poorer, moving out reducing the contact with his kids. As soon as the dust settles he will be contacting his old OW or finding a new one. He won't ever be faithful to you.

Exactly this. He just wants a nice, easy, undisturbed life, and you're giving it to him. The minute he has the opportunity to cheat again, he will.

@Justasec321 yes I get this totally.

it’s hard to work out how you feel about something when you just don’t know the truth! And I guess that’s the reality of the situation. Even if everything has ended.

I feel like I would be overreacting to end it over this but the last few months of reconciliation were on a shifting foundation if I didn’t know the whole truth. What is the point. What else is going to come to light.

thank you. I don’t think I can carry on questioning this anymore.