DH contacted the OW shortly after ‘ending it’…

[Pickle991]

I have a previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4564371-when-do-you-finally-throw-in-the-towel-after-affair-discovery

To recap I discovered just over half a year ago DH had had multiple affairs. We have 3 young DC. Latest was emotional and physical and he only ended it when I found out at my insistence.

We have been trying to reconcile. Tbh I think I am still in shock. However yesterday I found out he had been in contact with the most recent OW again after he had ended it, shortly after I initially found out.

He said it was to ‘end it properly on his own terms’ and they haven’t restarted anything. I am fairly sure that’s true as I’m not sure he would have had the opportunity. She lives very far away now and DH has been WFH. I have sight over everything inc. bank accounts so I’d notice if anything was amiss. But it just makes me feel there was a lot more between them than he let on although he denies it. He has also looked her up on social media since too, which he doesn’t know I know, but no contact.

I feel like this is just another betrayal AGAIN and it’s small in comparison to everything else, ie, nothing has carried on. But it’s made me feel like the one who has essentially ripped them apart and that DH is only staying for DC and he still misses her. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and should focus on the fact he has been trying to make things work and residual feelings are normal, or if I am always going to be compared unfavourably to her and they would still be together now if I hadn’t found out. It was a fairly long term thing.

We had made some progress reconciling, in that we’re at least not at loggerheads so much, still don’t know if it will work in the long run but it’s been hard and now I don’t know if it’s worth throwing all that away because of this now.

I've got an acquaintance who has just ended her marriage several years after her husband had an affair. She battled on, it was embarrassing for her as it was with a colleague and he is senior in a massive multi-national company. She had their kids at the forefront. They couldn't get past it. I think this is you. My advice would be to get your ducks in a row, take some legal advice and start building a life for yourself. Life is so very short, you do not want to be spending the rest of yours with a man you will never be able to trust. You deserve so much better

@TheFormidableMrsC thank you. Yes I have sought legal advice. I know roughly what the outcome would look like if we separated and the one advantage is that I do have sight over all the finances now.

Ok that's good. It's a step forward. I remember begging my husband to stay when he left for OW, I was on my knees with it all. Nine years on I wonder what on earth I was thinking. He was a flawed human who needed the adoration of others to get through the day. No thanks. You know what you need to do, I know first hand how hard it is. However, you won't ultimately regret it. I promise ❤️

@TheFormidableMrsC @Pickle991 Great advice. I was on my knees for the first year too, goodness knows why. Then I spent a couple of years worrying that as I was the higher earner and she earned very little she would be able to continue her emotional abuse and controlling behaviour by getting a divorce settlement with a Mesher Order, spousal maintenance and a custody order where I would only see the children for two weekends a month (in other words, keeping me on a string doing a job I hated to provide her with an income whilst existing alone in a bedsit). That was more of my life wasted.

Now I've been a bit taken advantage of financially but she didn't get a Mesher, she didn't get spousal maintenance and I'm "getting my money back" by minimising the child maintenance paid through pension contributions and refusing to help her out with any extra costs. And best of all, I'm free, in my own house without an emotional abuser constantly belittling me in front of the children and sneaking out and spending money that should be for the children's future on sordid affairs.

@BetterFuture1985 I can see your distress. However, minimising maintenance payments is a shitty thing to do. Sorry. I can't condone that and you shouldn't boast about it. I won't derail the thread with this but that is really nothing to shout about. It affects your children. Don't be a dick.

It strikes me that if you’re not ready to leave yet then the smart thing to do now is to use your current relationship as a safety net whilst you build up your career, finances, physical and mental well being (go to the gym, get clothes that make you feel good, go out with friends more), all with the idea that soon you won’t be terrified of being alone and you feel great about yourself, and you can dump his cheating arse.

Oh and if by then his OW has moved on and he has no one to go to then that’s an added bonus too.

If you understood my case, you wouldn't say that. My ex-wife spent years emotionally abusing me and lying and cheating. Then in our divorce she lied and cheated to get as much money as possible. She lied about what she was capable of earning. She lied about how much time I was responsible for childcare in an effort to minimise my contact for financial reasons (and in a failed attempt to get a Mesher Order that would have kept me out of the property market for over a decade). She lied about cohabiting. She hid money. She got more than half the assets including a large chunk of my pension as a result of lying to pretend she was financially vulnerable when in fact she could earn significant amounts.

I totted up how much her lying cost me and I have adjusted child maintenance accordingly. When her debt is paid back I might relent. Until then, I make sure the children get everything they need from me, not her. If she needs more money then she can get off her lying, cheating backside and fulfil her earning capacity.

Oh, I couldn't disagree more. You absolutely must make sure he ends up with the OW. 99% of relationships that start as affairs fail. It will be much more fun to hear she's kicked him out in 6 months time than to see him settled on his own.

@BetterFuture1985 you do what makes you feel better and if as you say your children don't suffer as a result of you minimising maintenance then that's entirely up to you but I hope that is actually the case for them and they are not lavished by you and Mum struggles, because that is what it sounds like. There is no situation where that is ok.

@BetterFuture1985 ha, perhaps, but I imagine she has already moved on by now. I don’t know. Part of the reason considering splitting up hurts though is worrying he will immediately couple up, seems to be easier for men though don’t know if it just feels that’s way!

She only struggles because she lives the lies she told. She claimed she did 70% of the childcare which simply wasn't compatible with her job. She thought she'd get the assets and the maintenance whilst depending on me to do the 40% I had been. To which I said "oh, sorry, I've told work I can go to the office four days a week now because of what was decided in court. I guess you'll have to reduce your hours unless you want to inform the CMS and pay me back the £30k you stole."

I pay around 30% of my income into my pension to replenish what she took through her lies (I plan to use the tax free lump sum to give each of my children a deposit for their first home). I also refuse to pay for any childcare, entertainment or school expenses on her days. I do however buy most of my children's clothes, laptops etc. However, because she is a liar and a cheat it is important that I make these purchases rather than give her the money to make sure it is spent on them and not on herself. Hopefully in the long term it will get easier as they will probably prefer to live with me if she keeps going through boyfriends the way she does.

Now she either has to make it work or admit she lied. Like I said, she can give me the £30k she stole and inform the CMS that I will do 40% of childcare and she might find her maintenance goes up rather than down!

And what would she be getting?

I wouldn't wish him on anybody.

He sounds like he feels entitled to cheat.

Sorry, that was in response to

Part of the reason considering splitting up hurts though is worrying he will immediately couple up

I think it's more the case that it's easier to couple up if you don't put much value in relationships in the first place. Ironically the idea of commitment is easier for someone who finds it easy to cheat because it doesn't mean the same for them as it does for us.

As a man, I wouldn't find it at all easy to couple up with anyone again even if I liked them after my marriage. The person I put total trust in cheated on me and then lied and cheated to get a better divorce settlement at my expense. I've lost most of what I spent the first half of my working life building up and see my children for only 5 days a fortnight. I simply can't afford for that to happen again.

Mesher Order?

That sounds familiar or is my memory playing tricks on me?

Mesher Order. Where the sale of the family home is delayed so the children of a marriage are housed. They're very rare now as there is normally a better option and judges only use them as a last resort. Most of the ones that do get through are when both the divorcing couple agree. My ex-wife tried to get one so she could squat on my mortgage capacity for 12 years whilst I lived in a bedsit but luckily she was unsuccessful.

Damn, he really played it well didn’t he? All can be forgiven with the right amount of “remorse”

You should seek counselling for yourself OP.

I bet he isn’t looking for answers on the Internet on how to mend your family back. I’d hate for my kids to grow up around someone like him.

Ah ok.

It rung a bell with me because I seem to recall an old poster who’s husband acted atrociously during divorce proceedings. Well, it was both him and the other woman really. Anyhow, she turned herself into some kind of self taught legal eagle and wiped the floor with the pair of them in court and I seem to recall she got a Mesher order as part of proceedings. Seemingly the judge was most impressed and said she’d missed her calling.

Situations where there is an "OW" makes a Mesher more likely because the ex-husband can be considered "housed" if they are living with a new partner. It is a big mistake for divorcees to get into serious relationships before the financial order is complete (and in the first year afterwards as I guess it could be construed as a Barder Event).

I was very careful to stay in the family home and have nowhere else to go. Also, I offered a Mesher Order for a short period of 3 years only but which would hit a trigger event within three months of cohabitation. As my wife was having a secret affair with a low paid loser and wanted to cohabit in the house at my expense she wouldn't accept this offer and in the end got no Mesher at all.

He will always do it because you allow him to and make excuses because you can't imagine life without him. He trades on that

How long ago did this happen? I only ask because you don’t seem very happy despite everything.

Very recently as in the last six months. I managed to avoid the Mesher Order but my life is still in that kind of post divorce limbo where I'm waiting to get settled. The FMH sold but I'm not in my own place yet. Also, she did get more than me which is a bit galling as she was a cheat (which of course in law makes no difference). But I should be pleased I wasn't turned into a money robot like some higher earners I've known who got divorced (i.e. hardly any contact, bedsit, expected to carry on working 50 hour weeks just to fund maintenance). Lawyering up helped.

He deceived you for years. He's still lying by default (i.e. not telling you anything until you have proof of it) and then says it wasn't that big a deal anyway. It's the cheaters script to a T. You will never be able to trust him. Only you can decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this. I couldn't.

It feels like typical not wanting to ‘get in more trouble’ behaviour, when had there been a reasonable explanation for it, he could have told me at the time. But then I guess that would have given the game away in terms of his genuine feelings about her.
As it was it took a while to get the whole truth. He denied the emotional element as if that somehow made it better but that became more obvious over time when things just didn’t add up.
I do think it is over now and the contact was to end it and not restart, but the thing is whether that makes a difference. Probably not!

'I do think it is over now and the contact was to end it and not restart, but the thing is whether that makes a difference. Probably not!'

The problem here as I see it is you have had to constantly reset the boundaries of your reconciliation. I don't think what he did is at all unusual in cheats who eventually reconcile (from my own and friends experience). They don't just suddenly stop being selfish and entitled a'holes on discovery. They need counselling and real soul searching to change. It's when they do start to see the point of absolute transparency, that they start to really become safer partners.

Whether I believe or not that this man can change is immaterial. I'm reconciled with a man NO-ONE believed could change, But he has, he's jumped through hoops of fire to be with me.

Only you can know if that is YOUR husband. Is he capable of full on change? What work is he doing? I am concerned from one of your posts here that he is shifting blame an awful lot. That concerns me more than the contact with the OW, so soon after you found out.

For true reconciliation to work he needs to be digging far deeper than blaming you or your marriage, (as do you). He is responsible for his choices which put you at risk in many different ways. I would not be going near couples counselling atm. You should be having counselling for firming up your boundaries about reconciliation and he should be in counselling looking at why his coping strategies to everyday troubles he encounters are so utterly selfish and entitled. You need to fix yourselves before you can fix the marriage.

@Pickle991 what reading have you done around this? What videos etc have you watched?