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Original poster

My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

408 replies

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 15:51

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 09/07/2022 17:07

Chances are, it's probably true. We know that 99% of sex criminals get away with it though so your boyfriend probably will too.

JanglyBeads · 09/07/2022 17:09

Imagine, if you can, that you'd been assaulted or raped by a man you thought loved you.

?

Fast fwd, it's six months on, you've split, you never reported it because you were too scared/confused/desperate just to get him out of your life. Now you hear he has a lovely new girlfriend.

Mightn't that make you think again about reporting?

Whatever00 · 09/07/2022 17:09

Just because someone makes an accusation doesn't make it true. Although, it doesn't make it untrue either. I know someone who had allegations made about them. They attended the police station volunteerily. They refused a solicitor. They couldn't work because of the allegation. They had to inform both of their employers. It was horrific. It had a huge impact on their MH. The allegations were horrible and very distressing to hear. They allegations were found to be malicious. They could prove they weren't even on the country on several of the alleged assaults on other days They were at work. Their whole life could have been ruined. On top of that mud sticks and people think their is no smoke without fire. I would proceed with caution OP. The fact he has refused to go to the police station would give cause to pause. Innocent people want the truth to come out.

altmember · 09/07/2022 17:10

A 'voluntary interview' is pretty much the same as being interviewed whilst under arrest - the only difference is you're there of your own free will (but if you try and leave you'll likely get arrested anyway). It'll still done be under caution.

It's absolutely not just a case of popping into the police station for an informal chat while you find out what the allegations are. The OP's partner is quite right to be taking this very seriously and waiting until he has legal representation. Yes, he could rely on duty solicitor, but given that he has advance warning of facing potentially serious charges the prudent thing to do would be to find a solicitor in advance. So not only will he have met his solicitor beforehand, he's got opportunity to pick a specialist in the field, and the solicitor will likely be able to find out the nature of the allegations before the interview commences. This isn't a slight against the duty solicitor, although it's pot luck who you get, and they're mainly used to dealing with petty crimes lift theft, assault etc).

A Clare's Law request would only reveal historic stuff - if he has previous for similar offences. I don't think they'll release anything about an active investigation.

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 17:13

Some of these responses are bizarre. It is perfectly normal (and indeed sensible) to not want to speak to the police without legal representation when accused of a crime.

Yes, but when you add in the raging anger and accusations of the accuser being jealous, it forms a different story.

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 17:13

@Ragdoll22
Its just very confusing. I didn’t think he’d had an interview already

He's clearly spoken to the police to know what he's been accused of. He's not been arrested but has been invited in for an interview which he has arranged to go to with legal representation. So he's won't have been interviewed yet. Why do you think he has been?

I don't know whether he's done something wrong or not. But inferring guilt because he wants his solicitor present is disgusting. It's his basic right and, honestly, I don't know a policeman who, if complained about, wouldn't take legal representation, probably through their union but maybe a solicitor, into an interview.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2022 17:15

Saying that an innocent person wouldn't get legal representation is absolutely absurd. Anyone, especially an innocent person, should retain legal counsel before they speak to the police if they're being accused of a serious crime. You'd have to be an idiot not to.

I have no idea if the op's boyfriend is guilt or not, and nor does anyone on this thread.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 17:15

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 17:02

We met while they were still together and he left her… no judgment please, but I am pretty certain she won’t be doing this for me. I’m not saying she’s lying I just wondered why she’d be reporting this now but I guess I have never been in that situation (thank god).
Its just very confusing. I didn’t think he’d had an interview already

How you two have the audacity to somehow paint her out to be a bad person. I see you left that out of the OP>

btw, when shes' reported it is absolutely none of your business.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 17:15

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 17:13

Some of these responses are bizarre. It is perfectly normal (and indeed sensible) to not want to speak to the police without legal representation when accused of a crime.

Yes, but when you add in the raging anger and accusations of the accuser being jealous, it forms a different story.

Everyone is entitled to a duty solicitor,

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 09/07/2022 17:17

Going through a process to make a report like this would be highly unpleasant and involved.
I know there are some unhinged people about but this quite an extreme response to just 'get at your both' for being an item.

There no smoke without fire......

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 17:18

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 17:13

Some of these responses are bizarre. It is perfectly normal (and indeed sensible) to not want to speak to the police without legal representation when accused of a crime.

Yes, but when you add in the raging anger and accusations of the accuser being jealous, it forms a different story.

Plus the point is, it's not the first thing an innocent person would think to do. If you were innocent, you would want to go down there and find out what was what first. It wouldn't cross most people's mind remotely to get a lawyer straight off the bat. You'd just assume there was some misunderstanding that you could clear up. Or that you could get whatever legal aid you required sorted when at the station.

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 17:18

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 17:13

Some of these responses are bizarre. It is perfectly normal (and indeed sensible) to not want to speak to the police without legal representation when accused of a crime.

Yes, but when you add in the raging anger and accusations of the accuser being jealous, it forms a different story.

But that's not what you said.

I wouldn't be so fast to trust a man who, when accused of sexual assault, refuses to engage with the police.

Those are your words. The guy has spoken to the police - how else would he be invited gor an interview? And he is going for an interview with kegal representation. So he hasn't refused to engage. I don't see what there is to criticise in is dealings with the police.

MissConductUS · 09/07/2022 17:20

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 16:01

But he will engage, just not without legal support. I don’t see why this is a bad decision?
Wouldn’t other wonder why she only disclosed it after we went official? 😕

Your boyfriend is quite right. It's folly to interview with the police when you are suspected of a crime without legal counsel. He also deserves the presumption of innocence.

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 17:21

@Pinkbonbon
Plus the point is, it's not the first thing an innocent person would think to do.

Hes already spoken to the police. He must gave done to be invited to an interview. He's arranged to see them next week. He just wants to take his own legal representation. Very sensible.

And, honestly, this is a good lesson to everyone. Don't just go into interviews and chat away. Get yourself legal assistance.

TidyDancer · 09/07/2022 17:22

Given how you got together, your judgment may not be the best in this situation.

I warned the woman who married the ex who raped and abused me when they got engaged what he was like. He managed to convince her I was jealous because I wanted to marry him. 🙄 She was not the OW like you are but he still talked her into believing him.

Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 17:24

NotDavidTennant · 09/07/2022 17:07

Some of these responses are bizarre. It is perfectly normal (and indeed sensible) to not want to speak to the police without legal representation when accused of a crime.

It's also very unlikely the police would tell him what he's accused of until they had a chance to interview him. So the fact he doesn't know yet what he's accused of is not some kind of red flag.

You don’t know the process do you? You either get the brief on the next few hours or the duty solicitor steps in, you can then change them for the next interview. You don’t get to say to the police no sorry mate I won’t be engaging for a few days,. I don’t even want to know what it’s about, tell me when I’m ready,

and oh dear op, it looks like you’ve made some very very bad decisions.

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/07/2022 17:24

bloodyplanes · 09/07/2022 17:00

OP you won't get any support on here, men are ALWAYS in the wrong on MN and no woman would EVER make up such lies Hmm. However I feel for you, I know someone who would absolutely do this to a man to teach him a lesson for not wanting to be with her. She wouldn't think twice about it either. Ive not RTFT but if this comes down to her word against his it's highly unlikely to go anywhere as there will be no proof. Also he is absolutely right not to attend an interview with the police without legal representation, he would be mad to do otherwise.

I was on jury service with a rape case with two people who were in a relationship at the time of the accused assault. There doesn't necessarily need to be any physical evidence, the jury was given a checklist of points to consider as the case isn't the normal type that needs to be proven beyond reasonable doubt. So it's not correct that the police necessarily need evidence otherwise no one would ever be convicted of such a crime.

That isn't me giving an opinion either way on the validity of the accusations. I also don't think he necessarily has already spoken to the police either, nothing suggests he has.

whumpthereitis · 09/07/2022 17:25

I would imagine he’s been invited to a voluntary interview, and if that’s the case he’s entitled not to attend (although it could trigger an arrest). It’s absolutely normal, and eminently sensible, to want legal representation. It’s also understandable that he wants his own representation, rather than the duty solicitor. I would always choose my own counsel, if ever in the position where I needed it, over an assigned one.

I would also say rage is a reasonable reaction to being maliciously accused of something you haven’t done, out of spite. I’m not saying that he hasn’t done it, but if it is the case that it’s a false accusation then I wouldn’t say rage is an unusual reaction at all.

Whitehorsegirl · 09/07/2022 17:26

I would be very, very careful if I were you.

''Raging'' is a red flag. I would expect someone who is wrongly accused to be upset, bewildered and worried but not to display long-lasting, out of control anger and I would be concerned for my own safety.

Yes, it could be that this woman is being malicious but it could also very much be that she is telling the truth.

If this is a recent relationship you don't really know the person you are with. You are already seeing a side of him (anger) that he had kept hidden so it could be that he is hiding a lot more.

For all you know he could be insisting on hiring a solicitor first because this is not the first time he has been accused on something like this.

This all sounds like bad news to me because either you are going to be caught up in a ''war'' between him and his ex (if she is being malicious) or you are dating an abuser.

Neither of these options would be acceptable to me and I would cut my losses and run.

Toddlerteaplease · 09/07/2022 17:26

Surely the first think you'd want to know is what you are being accused of. If he's innocent, he's better to cooperate. I'd be suspicious of him insisting on a lawyer immediately. What's he got to hide.

Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 17:27

whumpthereitis · 09/07/2022 17:25

I would imagine he’s been invited to a voluntary interview, and if that’s the case he’s entitled not to attend (although it could trigger an arrest). It’s absolutely normal, and eminently sensible, to want legal representation. It’s also understandable that he wants his own representation, rather than the duty solicitor. I would always choose my own counsel, if ever in the position where I needed it, over an assigned one.

I would also say rage is a reasonable reaction to being maliciously accused of something you haven’t done, out of spite. I’m not saying that he hasn’t done it, but if it is the case that it’s a false accusation then I wouldn’t say rage is an unusual reaction at all.

Oh dear,..

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 17:27

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 17:21

@Pinkbonbon
Plus the point is, it's not the first thing an innocent person would think to do.

Hes already spoken to the police. He must gave done to be invited to an interview. He's arranged to see them next week. He just wants to take his own legal representation. Very sensible.

And, honestly, this is a good lesson to everyone. Don't just go into interviews and chat away. Get yourself legal assistance.

It's a calculated man who can be accused of such a heinous crime and be fine to turn down the duty solicitor we are all entitled to and take his sweet time to find out the allegations. I'd be a mess! If I had nothing to hide, I'd be down there pronto!

Honestly, OP and PP painting him out like some sort of clever man is ridiculous.

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 17:27

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 17:15

Everyone is entitled to a duty solicitor,

Show quote history

I wouldn't take a duty solicitor for a serious accusation like this. I'd be taking a solicitor with experience and a proven track record in that area.

To be honest, it's shocking to me that people are wantonly giving advice and judging when they don't seem to have any idea how the legal system actually works in practice.

whumpthereitis · 09/07/2022 17:27

Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 17:24

You don’t know the process do you? You either get the brief on the next few hours or the duty solicitor steps in, you can then change them for the next interview. You don’t get to say to the police no sorry mate I won’t be engaging for a few days,. I don’t even want to know what it’s about, tell me when I’m ready,

and oh dear op, it looks like you’ve made some very very bad decisions.

Show quote history

He hasn’t been arrested. He absolutely can refuse an interview that he’s been invited to on a voluntary basis.

Petra45 · 09/07/2022 17:28

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