Page 2 | My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

Ragdoll22 · 2022-07-09T14:51:20+00:00

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this. My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess. Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing. Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item. Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 16:43

I agree, the normal reaction would be shock, horror, devastation a desire to quickly clear it up, bewilderment, a need to understand it, a level of anger, but rage is odd. Especially since he’s proclaiming to not even know which is an obvious lie.

dudes had his initial interview, likely under caution and he lying. There is no way he doesn’t know. None at all. Which makes me think it’s rape.and he’s minimising. I can’t think why else he’d lie that he didn’t know.

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 16:43

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 16:41

Yeh it doesn't add up that he wouldnt go and find out what he was accused of before deciding if he needed legal help or not. It's not the actions of an innocent man to jump to getting legal help with no idea what's what. Either he knew he might be reported and so had learned what to do first. Or, this isn't his first rodeo.

But his rage distressing you really is a huge red flag op. Next he'll be punching wall or similar sociopath shit. It's not on. Bail now. Its early days. Worst case scenario if you get out now, you avoid all the future shit show to come. Best case scenario, you avoid exactly what he is being accused of. It's a no brainer, take no chances, run.

I wonder whos fault it will be when he does behave aggressively. OP's or the exes?

Genuinely, OP, if it was you in the situation, would you really want the new woman to behave like this?

Original poster

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 16:46

So you are saying he must have had an interview already even if it was a voluntary interview he’d been invited to?
I’m not questioning, I am just asking because I don’t know much about the process.
I don’t think she’d do anything for me because she wasn’t very happy about us, so she must have other reasons I thought..

OP posts:

parenthood1989 · 09/07/2022 16:48

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 16:46

So you are saying he must have had an interview already even if it was a voluntary interview he’d been invited to?
I’m not questioning, I am just asking because I don’t know much about the process.
I don’t think she’d do anything for me because she wasn’t very happy about us, so she must have other reasons I thought..

He has done a right job on you OP. I would run.

Ohahjustalittlebit · 09/07/2022 16:49

Can someone link the other thread please?

BlueStarfish · 09/07/2022 16:51

I know somebody who made several false accusations during a divorce. She even went so far as to use her mother as a witness, when she was never present. OP, it's possible but it's also unlikely, so keep an open mind.

strawberry2017 · 09/07/2022 16:51

Please do a Claire's law request.
This is what they are there for. You will know for sure if there is anything to be worried about.

GroggyLegs · 09/07/2022 16:53

My advice to a friend would be:

Stop being naive. Accept there is a possibility that this isn't an elaborate revenge because she's jealous.
Do a Claire's law check.
Do not allow him use this as an excuse to 'rage'. It's not acceptable. And if you're scared to say that, it's not healthy.
Keep your wits about you & make an exit plan just in case.

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 16:53

I wouldn't be so fast to trust a man who, when accused of sexual assault, refuses to engage with the police.

This is terrible advice. When you are accused of a serious crime, ALWAYS have a lawyer with you and take legal advice. Even if you ask the police the facts, they might very well hold details back to try and catch you out later. Never assume the police are just neutrally fact finding.

I don't know the facts of this particular case, but judging a person solely because they want legal advice before getting into a legal quagmire is just wrong.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/07/2022 16:53

Wouldn’t other wonder why she only disclosed it after we went official?

Perhaps she feels a sense of duty to spare the next potential victim a world of hurt?

beautyisthefaceisee · 09/07/2022 16:53

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 16:46

So you are saying he must have had an interview already even if it was a voluntary interview he’d been invited to?
I’m not questioning, I am just asking because I don’t know much about the process.
I don’t think she’d do anything for me because she wasn’t very happy about us, so she must have other reasons I thought..

Its not about you.

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 16:55

Have you even met her or are you just going on what he says?

It's really common for abusers to paint their ex as 'crazy/posessive/jealous'. Also for them to play women off against eachother. He could even have told her lies about you to cause her to act a certain way to you.

Also, there's a difference between not liking soneone and not caring if they get assaulted or not. I might think a woman is a right dick but I'd still not want anyone who assaulted me to assault her too if I could stop it.

Justcallmebebes · 09/07/2022 16:55

From a legal but of view, he should have legal representation when questioned by the police. That's sensible, whatever an alleged crime

Justcallmebebes · 09/07/2022 16:56

Point of view

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/07/2022 16:57

The other thread relates to allegations of sexual harassment, so probably not the same thing. I also know of a situation where allegations were false but I wouldn't automatically assume it to be the case here.

Maireas · 09/07/2022 16:58

BlueStarfish · 09/07/2022 16:51

I know somebody who made several false accusations during a divorce. She even went so far as to use her mother as a witness, when she was never present. OP, it's possible but it's also unlikely, so keep an open mind.

It's very, very rare.
Men are more likely to be victims of rape themselves than be falsely accused.

Original poster

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 16:58

I’ll do a Clare’s Law inquest to be on the safe side

OP posts:

Maireas · 09/07/2022 16:59

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 16:55

Have you even met her or are you just going on what he says?

It's really common for abusers to paint their ex as 'crazy/posessive/jealous'. Also for them to play women off against eachother. He could even have told her lies about you to cause her to act a certain way to you.

Also, there's a difference between not liking soneone and not caring if they get assaulted or not. I might think a woman is a right dick but I'd still not want anyone who assaulted me to assault her too if I could stop it.

Exactly.

bloodyplanes · 09/07/2022 17:00

OP you won't get any support on here, men are ALWAYS in the wrong on MN and no woman would EVER make up such lies . However I feel for you, I know someone who would absolutely do this to a man to teach him a lesson for not wanting to be with her. She wouldn't think twice about it either. Ive not RTFT but if this comes down to her word against his it's highly unlikely to go anywhere as there will be no proof. Also he is absolutely right not to attend an interview with the police without legal representation, he would be mad to do otherwise.

Original poster

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 17:02

We met while they were still together and he left her… no judgment please, but I am pretty certain she won’t be doing this for me. I’m not saying she’s lying I just wondered why she’d be reporting this now but I guess I have never been in that situation (thank god).
Its just very confusing. I didn’t think he’d had an interview already

OP posts:

OneFootintheRave · 09/07/2022 17:04

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 16:14

I think he's lying too. And why wouldn't he want to use the Duty Solicitor.

I think he's fuming because he's done it.

If I had been accused of a very serious crime I would definitely want to find my own solicitor. A Duty Solicitor may or may not represent you adequately and an initial interview can be very important.

Sure, do the Claire's Law and be on high alert here, but wanting your own counsel is not in itself a red flag

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2022 17:05

I met a guy 6 months ago whose ex had file had reported him to the police for harassment and physical abuse. He was shocked, consider himself inocent and accused the ex of being bitter. He seemed such a nice guy that I (sort of) bought into it. 4 months later he turned out to be a very insecure jerk with anger issues and quite a narcissist. I had to dumped him. My advice: stay away from men with police reports, I'm not saying your ex is a rapist (false police claims do exist), but in general....

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 17:05

Yeh it doesn't add up that he wouldnt go and find out what he was accused of before deciding if he needed legal help or not.

He already knows what he's been accused of because he's spoken to the police when they invited him in for an interview. I used to work with the police and I'd never go in for an interview without being accompanied by a solicitor.

TedMullins · 09/07/2022 17:06

Pinkbonbon · 09/07/2022 16:31

My first thought would be that she reported him when she found out he had a new gf because she didn't want him to do the same thing to others.

Also, I understand how being falsely accused might make someone angry but I wouldn't want to be around a man displaying ongoing rage. The way you describe it too, sounds like you feel intimidated right? Ongoing rage being displayed around you is a warning sign in itself that either he doesn't know how intimidating that behaviour is, or, doesn't care.

Sorry op but I think he did it. And it worries me that you are so quick to side with him when it's only a new relationship. Most people don't tepitt assault for shits and giggles. If there's smoke, there's probably fire.

I agree with this. My first thought would be that he did it. I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. Also bear in mind the rape prosecution stats are woefully low. Even if he engages with police and they drop the case or it goes to trial and he’s found not guilty, it doesn’t mean he didn’t do it. It just means there wasn’t enough evidence to take to the CPS/prove beyond reasonable doubt.

as for not knowing what he’s being accused of, sadly I do believe this. I think the majority of rapists actually don’t realise they’re committing a crime. When rape happens in relationships it’s often rationalised by the perpetrator (why shouldn’t I have sex with her while she’s asleep, she’s my girlfriend! She’s saying no, if I persuade enough she’ll give in. I’ll just do it anyway, it’s fine, we’re together so it’s not rape etc etc).

so yeah. I really wouldn’t be rushing to his defence.

NotDavidTennant · 09/07/2022 17:07

Some of these responses are bizarre. It is perfectly normal (and indeed sensible) to not want to speak to the police without legal representation when accused of a crime.

It's also very unlikely the police would tell him what he's accused of until they had a chance to interview him. So the fact he doesn't know yet what he's accused of is not some kind of red flag.