My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

[Ragdoll22]

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

Who had a fiver on hamhead of some description crashing in with that sort of crap by page 15?

Definitely a Sarah. Very ladylike.

Safe words aren't needed in any other sex though. The only reason to use a safe word is because you want to be able to say stop without the person stopping, as in role-playing non consensual sex. In all other sex 'stop' is the safe word...

It’s true that I sometimes feel a bit guilty then because I feel like I am ruining the fun for him but I guess that’s my own fault.

It's not your fault OP. If you need to step away, do - but I hope you don't.

In some very different circumstances I would agree that charges at 16 could be thought of very separately, but they mark a pattern and are cannot be dismissed.

I thought it’s more of a compromise because there are some things I really like and they wouldn’t be his favourites, so..

He's manipulating you, and making you equate things like resignation to a sex act you are not enjoying to very very normal things like giving pleasure when it's not at the top of the list of favourite activities.

You are comparing:

• Me performing a sex act on my DP that gives them pleasure and does not cause me distress, discomfort, pain, sadness or any negative feelings - but isn't remotely something I would ever pick in the bedroom for my OWN pleasure.

to

• My DP performing sex acts on me for their own pleasure, that I was not enjoying and was making me feel bad.

and you are suggesting that because of the first point, a compromise of the second point must be reached? He has manipulated you OP.

You can leave, you do not have to stay with him. This will be ok. I'm a similar age to you and spent my early twenties wrapped up in a whole mess - leaving now would be so so much better than staying and creating more and more justifications for it as time goes by.

Hope you're alright, if you feel up to staying I really think the vast majority of posters here want to support you and with the exception of a few idiots, any harsh sounding messages have been well intentioned just alarmed.

You are however getting good advice and GREAT perspectives and personal experiences. So if you can stay you should.

To keep it true to your situation I would have had to have reversed the roles of hypothetical myself and DP in one but not both of those points, I was distracted trying to find the right way to say it!

Still reading but feeling exhausted

Glad you're still here @Ragdoll22

Hang in there, 99.99 % of the posters are posting out of genuine concern for you

Be kind to yourself. You're just struggling with trying to reconcile all this new information. Give yourself time and space. In particular, space from him.

OP, when you find a Dom who knows what he's doing and understands what this is about, you won't believe you thought this was it.

“ Beware of the man who leaves a string on angry women behind because you will be thy next” - Shakespeare (not really but he could have said this).

I agree, and its often easily proved due to text messages, etc.

Perhaps in future years this will be legislated against, in more informed times.

You'd make it a criminal offence to change your mind about a relationship?

To have sex KNOWING the other person would withhold consent if they had information you are withholding from them.

I'd like to see society consider it as criminal in certain circumstances, yes. Given that rape is basically ignored by society, its likely that the lack of consent when material lies have been told in order to get a person to have sex is overlooked as well.

I was thinking particularly of married men who pretend to be single but equally in the example here, where the ex girlfriend was lied to and told she was in an exclusive relationship when she was not, its not really consent, is it? Many people wouldn't choose to risk their sexual health, for one thing.

Well, good luck with that.

What I'm saying is that there should be a debate on it, it shouldn't just be brushed under the carpet. Perhaps in the future it is something that will be legislated on, in the way that marital rape was actually legal until recently. Times change, hopefully for the better.

@AchatAVendre

It's far too nuanced a subject and a 'his / her word against his / her word'. That line of thinking could lead to a woman who has been abused for years being prosecuted for meeting and falling in love with someone kind who loves her but being too scared to leave her violent husband despite cheating with the other man.

It would never be a viable law at all.

Most cheaters are arseholes and weak, don't get me wrong, but making it a criminal offence is way too far. And would break our legal system as even if only the number of cases on MN were prosecuted, millions of pounds would be spent and the system would have a crazy backlog when there's already way too much of one!

The law really cannot interfere with people's private and intimate lives to that extent. Religious people would say that you can wait for marriage if you want to be sure of commitment. And then you can dissolve the marriage for infidelity if it comes to that. You can't criminalise someone saying they love you when they don't. How much more does someone need to do after promising it wasn't a one night stand? One date? Two? Six months? Marriage? When are they allowed to go? Do they have to sleep with you in that time?

A woman can text a man for weeks telling him she intends to sleep with him and withdraw that consent at the last moment for any reason. That's how it should be. It works the same for any other form of intimacy. You can't legally force someone to have a relationship! What about people who truly meant it but then had a horrible night and changed their minds?

Cheating is generally an arsehole thing to do but a) it's often a complex situation and b) you can't get the law involved in consensual adult relationships, beyond allowing a marriage to dissolve. That's oppressive madness and you can look anywhere that does it to see how women fare with it.

Nonsense, the law is changed all the time. How on earth do you think new legislation is promulgated? Do you imagine that this would be a breach of the ECHR in some respect that any other laws relating to consent and the evidence generally required are not?

And can I say for the umpeteenth time that I am not saying this should be criminalised? I am saying that it should form a debate. A debate. I'll say it again. A debate. That in the future, for example, 50 years or 100 years from now, when none of us are able to imagine how the law will have developed, that it might be criminal then.

I don't know why you've gone off into a tangent about forcing people into relationships. I specifically mentioned the example of someone lying about being single when they are married in order to get sex. Thats a very clear cut case. Many people would not willingly choose to have sex with a married person if they knew the truth, and its considered so important to status that it is recorded on a public register.

I think its particularly relevant to the US debate about restricting abortion though, because men change their mind about wanting or supporting children all the time. So perhaps we should be treating vitiated consent as more of an issue than it is.

b) you can't get the law involved in consensual adult relationships,

The whole point is that if someone lies about being married and the other person would not have had sex but for that lie, it is not full consent.

It’s true that I sometimes feel a bit guilty then because I feel like I am ruining the fun for him but I guess that’s my own fault

I don’t mean this maliciously but you’re not at all ready to be in a relationship, with anyone let alone this mongrel.

Bad news and I would drop like a hot potato..seriously.

Well, like I said, good luck with that.

He did call over yesterday afternoon (unannounced) to ask if everything was ok because I had cancelled. I told him that I am struggling with all of this and that I am feeling overwhelmed. He was ok and said he understood and that he’d give me space if I needed it. I think he was disappointed but he didn’t say much, but he did say that he categorically denies having abused her at any stage. He didn’t seem angry any more but rather sad and a bit nervous about today. I don’t know, but if I had to attend an interview (no matter if I had done something or not) I’d be super nervous and a wreck, so I’m not sure how he can act rather calmly. But then I guess people react differently to things.

He said he’ll let me know what happened but that he will give me space so that’s good. I feel sad and like a shit girlfriend though. I’ve decided to talk to my sister later today though I won’t give her all of the details. I don’t know what I am hoping to gain from this but maybe just a hug will do.

NC fail OP.

I remember your other posts as they made me feel so sorry for you.

Please cut contact with this man.

Regardless of the topic of this particular thread, he is dangerous, doesn't respond appropriately to no (to the point I wrote a very long post on another thread as I was very concerned about you) and deeply affecting your mental health.

Please consider ending the relationship.

All I will say is, it’s fine to do things you like ‘less’ than your favourites, but you shouldn’t feel you have to do anything you don’t like - at all. If you’re not enjoying something, or tried it and didn’t like - put a stop to it.

He did call over yesterday afternoon (unannounced) to ask if everything was ok because I had cancelled.

Ugh. Way too soon in this relationship to be turning up at your house unanounced.

He was ok and said he understood and that he’d give me space if I needed it.

Big of him. It doesn't sound in the least bit like he will stick to this if he turns up at your house unannounced though.

I feel sad and like a shit girlfriend though.

Why? He's about as shit a boyfriend as its possible to have.

He has literally found someone (you) with the weakest possible boundaries and is now manipulating them. No decent man in his situation, supposedly innocently accused of this crime, would be dating.

I’ve decided to talk to my sister later today though I won’t give her all of the details.

Well, she's hardly going to be of much use if she doesn't know the details.

I don’t know what I am hoping to gain from this but maybe just a hug will do.

Honestly OP, you don't need a hug, you need to learn to be less gullible and more resilient, and to value your own safety over that of a man you've only known for a few months.

I think it is important to bear in mind that there are way more sex offenders than women who lie about it. Personally, I wouldn't take the chance. That would be it.