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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

408 replies

Ragdoll22 · 09/07/2022 15:51

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 10/07/2022 09:05

To be honest I am not feeling great today. I felt quite different yesterday but this is getting to me now.
Just wanted to say thanks

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 10/07/2022 09:06

To add to my post,

After reading your update @Ragdoll22 about using the ‘safe word’ because you’re ‘still exploring’ but it’s not always pleasant for you, I’d say leave him. Let him deal with the police etc.

Leave now before he gets you pregnant or he gets charged and you’re dragged into the whole process.

He’s not right for you (or any woman) if he does sexual things without your consent.

ReneBumsWombats · 10/07/2022 09:07

Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling.

What does this mean? Why do you go along with it?

Also, exploring your likes and limits together is one thing. Him just doing things he wants until you hit on something that makes you safeword is entirely different. Domming isn't supposed to be a mere trial-and-error process while the Dom figures out what you'll let him do.

Doesn't he have any clue what you want? Don't you realise that he's supposed to be pleasing you? Making you crazy for what he's doing? Where's his bloody skill and intuition, his actual connection with you?

Apart from being totally untrustworthy, the scenes just sound...crap. How do you feel afterwards?

wellhelloitsme · 10/07/2022 09:08

Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling.

Oh OP this is an absolutely heartbreaking sentence.

You feel you should do something sexual that is painful / upsetting / uncomfortable, just because he is getting gratification from it.

Do you have a history of being with me who have turned out to be abusive?

Your boundaries are harmful to you.

parenthood1989 · 10/07/2022 09:08

Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling.

What does this mean? Why do you go along with it?

It means he is sexually assaulting OP as well. He has manipulated her to the point of accepting it and saying nothing. It's control. It's abuse. OP is in danger here and the more she posts the worse it gets

Teacupsandtoast · 10/07/2022 09:09

Ragdoll22 · 10/07/2022 09:05

To be honest I am not feeling great today. I felt quite different yesterday but this is getting to me now.
Just wanted to say thanks

You are in charge of you and this situation - remove him from your life and keep safe

parenthood1989 · 10/07/2022 09:11

Ragdoll22 · 10/07/2022 09:05

To be honest I am not feeling great today. I felt quite different yesterday but this is getting to me now.
Just wanted to say thanks

It's hard to face the facts here, you thought this was a new start with a man and it's turned out he is an abuser. You can free yourself and heal before it gets worse.

beautyisthefaceisee · 10/07/2022 09:12

This gets worse.

Hes done a right number on you Op.

He is abusing you like hes abused the other women. Please get out.

How old are you?

Relationships can absolutely be tough but they should ne good on the most part, not supporting him through a rape case (even if hes nor convicted doesnr mean he dkdnt do it, and by his nature I expect the drama with his 'ex's, as one has to be physically near someone to sexually assault the, I assume hes still seeing her), being raped in plain sight, and dealing with all this....is it worth it.

Colourmeclear · 10/07/2022 09:13

Four months in, this is the honeymoon period. I only noticed things six months in and it slowly got worse. It took me eight years out of the relationship to realise it was abusive, I just knew I was unhappy.

SpinnerOfTheSeeds · 10/07/2022 09:25

OP, is he emotionally blackmailing you in any way? I think that's possibly worth looking at. Does he say stuff like, 'look what I've given up for you', or 'I chose you', that kind of thing?

I am wondering if he holds it over your head that he left his ExP 'for you', or expects some sort of gratitude for 'choosing' you. He does come across from your descriptions as being manipulative. Exploitative, in fact.

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 09:39

I don’t even know what I’m reading. You actually have to use your safe word and regularly? And you do things you don’t want to?

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 09:46

Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling

do you understand why you let this man do these things to you? Why he should be asking your consent before each new thing? Understanding your limits? On,y you know but it’s starting to sound like he abuses you and that he wants to hurt you and you let him. Do you know why?

is that why he’s with you? Because you will let him do these things to be with him and she knows it and is trying to protect you from what you’ve got coming?

Sandra1984 · 10/07/2022 09:55

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 09:46

Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling

do you understand why you let this man do these things to you? Why he should be asking your consent before each new thing? Understanding your limits? On,y you know but it’s starting to sound like he abuses you and that he wants to hurt you and you let him. Do you know why?

is that why he’s with you? Because you will let him do these things to be with him and she knows it and is trying to protect you from what you’ve got coming?

@Floraanddougal is that why he’s with you? Because you will let him do these things to be with him and she knows it and is trying to protect you from what you’ve got coming?

It's called "grooming".

ReneBumsWombats · 10/07/2022 10:13

How has he responded after you've safeworded? You say he stops but what does he do after that? What kind of conversation do you have about it?

KettrickenSmiled · 10/07/2022 10:21

Ragdoll22 · 10/07/2022 08:34

I have used the word a few times. We’re still exploring a lot and if I don’t like something and really don’t want to go ahead I use it. Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling. We also have plain ordinary sex btw, it’s not like it’s all like this.

FFS stop playing with fire, ditch the twat, & block him on all comms.

He is already pushing you past where you want to go, & you are already making excuses for him.

Original poster
Ragdoll22 · 10/07/2022 10:46

We do talk about things, he doesn’t just do what he wants all the time. It’s just that sometimes I don’t know if I will like it. Or sometimes I do like it but at some stage it becomes too much and I want to have a break or stop. He’s always been fine with it, and said he wouldn’t do it again if I didn’t want to. It’s true that I sometimes feel a bit guilty then because I feel like I am ruining the fun for him but I guess that’s my own fault. I thought it’s more of a compromise because there are some things I really like and they wouldn’t be his favourites, so..

I’m sorry, I think I’ll take some time to think about what I have been told. I read all messages even if I didn’t reply to all. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Sorry

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 10/07/2022 10:47

Do you go along with things during sex that you don't want to do because you're worried about losing him?

How old are you and how old is he? Asking as abusive men often pick mic younger women.

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 10:52

If you did to her (likely) what he's doing to you in your sex life; the accusation seems quite likely to be true. He's not exactly into "normal" sex (and only a few short months in too), and you're already not using your safe word and feeling like you have to push through unpleasant/uncomfortable sex acts.

How the fk do you even get into bdsm etc in such a new relationship (unless you met on fet life or something, which ir doesn't sound like you did).

Then there's the basic fact he's a cheater who came onto you and started something up with you while still with her. Real sterling character.

You shouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be a bastard based on just that, let alone the sex/assault aspect.

beautyisthefaceisee · 10/07/2022 10:54

Are you young, OP?

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 10:56

Or sometimes I do like it but at some stage it becomes too much and I want to have a break or stop. He’s always been fine with it, and said he wouldn’t do it again if I didn’t want to. It’s true that I sometimes feel a bit guilty then because I feel like I am ruining the fun for him

What sort of things?

Trying to my head around why this is an issue in such a new relationship.

wellhelloitsme · 10/07/2022 10:58

I thought it’s more of a compromise because there are some things I really like and they wouldn’t be his favourites, so..

I bet those things don't physically hurt him though do they OP?

Whereas I would wager the things you have to use a safe word for are things that do physically hurt you.

I understand the response on this thread has been overwhelming and I think your eyes have been opened to how unhealthy this relationship is.

You sound young and vulnerable. He sounds experienced and manipulative.

He also has a history of anger, violence, lying and cheating.

It's great news you don't live together.

Tell him you need some time to yourself to think. Invite a good friend over and talk things through with them.

I think once you've had a bit of space from him you'll realise this isn't a relationship you sound continue.

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 11:01

BTW it's perfectly possible him cheating on her, leaving her etc. was the catalyst for her really looking again their sex "life" with non rise tinted glasses, critically and realistically ... and let herself tealise/admit that it was coercive or abusive etc.

People often can't see the wood for trees while in a relationship with someone, seeing them all the time, being intimate with them, being very invested etc.

That's as likely a scenario as "revenge".

Floraanddougal · 10/07/2022 11:05

PritiPatelsMaker · 10/07/2022 10:47

Do you go along with things during sex that you don't want to do because you're worried about losing him?

How old are you and how old is he? Asking as abusive men often pick mic younger women.

That’s what I’m worried about. The op has no control here, she’s just being hurt and abused, and her boundaries are being quickly eroded. Is she letting him do this to her so she can be with him? Or is there something in her past or mental health that makes her think this is all she’s worth?

if this is real what’s being written is terrifying. A man who suffers from rage, who enjoys hurting women during sex who has twice been accused of violent crimes. And a woman who is allowing herself to be hurt, is already using her safe words, who is already letting him do things to her she doesn’t like and he will know she doesn’t like and be getting off on it.

Naughtyperson972 · 10/07/2022 11:13

I bet he’s extremely convincing when he’s denying the SA, because I expect he doesn’t view it as that…..he views it as he’s entitled to take what he wants from the woman he’s sleeping with. He’s already demonstrating this, and that he has no respect for consent or what you want, in pushing your boundaries.
I think it’s sadly likely you’ll end up in his current exe’s position being another ex making an allegation about him in future OP, while he is incredulous to his new gf.

PritiPatelsMaker · 10/07/2022 11:18

*much younger women.