My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

[Ragdoll22]

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

She might not have felt safe or able to report him when they were still a couple.

The fact he left her and moved onto you, means she has the safe space and freedom to do it now, and also to prevent it happening to you.

Also not everyone feels able to report or tell others right away, if ever.

Speaking from Experience, i was raped multiple times in very different scenarios by 3 different men.

First was in the day time when i was only 13 by a 22 year old man i didn’t know personally but in company of due to a hobby place i frequented with friends. i never told anyone ever. I wanted to years later but felt too much time had passed and no one would believe me, plus i wouldn’t know where to find him.

Second person was an ex who i was trapped in emotionally, sexually, coercive controlling and violent abusive relationship with, from the age of 18-21 and so it was frequent. I never told anyone or reported it out of fear and threats, as he stalked me for a further two years after i got free from him. I think i would have found the courage after we split if he had ended it with me like your scenario and moved on to someone new, especially to prevent it happening to another woman. I also would have reported this ex had he not been terrorising me for a further two years stalking me daily, and making my life hell. I still had heightened fear and it’s like he still had control over me long after.

Third i was I was drugged and raped on my second date, i tried getting help from the police that night before the rape took place at the point of being drugged and still locked in his house with him out, but police arsed it up, and he came back and it happened anyway, which is another story in itself, but due to this i had no faith in the police, then didn’t tell even anyone else i knew for several years again.

You work through the trauma in your own way and at your own pace. Everyone is different. No right or wrong way. Others in my position may have reported later when they felt ready. I came close many times.

I have also been sexually assaulted multiple times and sexually harassed countless times in from teenage years to 40.

I bet out of all those ‘men’ who did this are settled down with wives, girlfriends, children and having a great old life with none of their friends, family or partners any the wiser.

I obviously believe him

Why? He's acting guilty AF.
Refusing to hear the precise nature of the accusation, refusing to just talk to police without a lawyer, raging ...
If somebody accused me of assaulting them, & I was innocent. I'd be bewildered, worried, hurt. The go-to reaction of rage is not a good indication.

Even is he IS innocent, you need to watch that rage OP.

@BensonStabler

I am just so, so sorry for all you've been through

thank you @wellhelloitsme 💖

Run of bad luck to become prey to these evil bastards.

I had to be strong and work through it over time. It’s many years behind me, but still affects me at times when triggered.

However I would happily share my story to others as a warning, or to educate those who may be at risk, and those with the opposite views without having gone through the insidious nature of abuse, who don’t realise that they often don’t show their true colours until they have you in their grip. Which happens gradually. They seem like ‘regular nice guys’ and can even seem like you have met your soul mate because they mirror you, they love bomb you, they are on their best behaviour and the beginning is an act, some don’t let the bad side visible even until after a couple years. These men are all someone’s friends, colleagues, acquaintances, dates, boyfriends, husbands, Fathers and sons. To those people they only show their good side and keep their sinister side behind closed doors.

I hope the advice others have given and mine can give the OP pause. Open your eyes and think with your head, not your heart.

Why? He's acting guilty AF.
Refusing to hear the precise nature of the accusation, refusing to just talk to police without a lawyer,

He has spoken to the police. They're not going to give him all the information outside an interview. That's not how the police work. You should NEVER be interviewed without a lawyer. If police officers always insist on having legal representation during their interviews, don't you think that tells you something?

None of that makes him guilty. It makes him very sensible.

None of that makes him guilty. It makes him very sensible.

"Raging" & previous for GBH isn't sensible.
OP should run a mile.

So the man got done for GBH, got scarily angry when accused of sexual assault. Cheated and lied to his ex. He’s a dom. It points to him being guilty tbh. I would take this very seriously. And I wouldn’t stay with a man who got scarily angry especially as he is into extreme sex

@BensonStabler I’m so sorry all that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find peace.

I’m not surprised by the timing of the ex’s allegation either, and have been thinking along similar lines.

I totally agree with your comments about the insidious nature of abuse - nobody shows their true colours immediately although the raging is a big red flag for me.

Many men who have unresolved issues default to rage when other negative emotions such as sadness or confusion would be more appropriate.

Feels sad? Get angry!
Feel worried? Get angry!

Having lived like this for 20+ years, I’m just in the process of reclaiming my freedom now and I can’t tell you how much I wish I’d had the strength or support to get off this roller coaster sooner.

Somebody upthread suggested women who have endured emotionally absent parents child abuse are drawn to these types of men and that’s certainly true in my case. We feel comfortable with what is familiar and being aware of this is the first step towards avoiding making the same mistake over and over in the future - attracting and being attracted to the same abusive man in different packaging time and again.

OP - The best time to have run a mile from this guy was when you first met him. The second best time is now.

1 in 60 reported rapes in 2021 resulted in a conviction.

5 out of 6 rape victims never report it (source rapecrisis).

The reason I am dismissing the gbh is because it happened so so long ago, and because I know the context of what happened back then.

I hadn’t thought of her being scared to report anything while they were together...thanks.

@BensonStabler i am sorry that all of this happened to you and thanks for sharing. I really hope you get to put this behind you one day. I don’t know if he like one of the men you encountered. I just don’t know.

You'd find another reason if you had to.

How often have you had to safeword?

I don’t know if he like one of the men you encountered. I just don’t know.

You don't know, you're right, which is another reason to walk away safely now.

The reason I am dismissing the gbh is because it happened so so long ago, and because I know the context of what happened back then.

What kind of context can you put GBH in to make is something you are dismissive of when entering a new relationship? I'm interested.

What kind of context can you put GBH in to make is something you are dismissive of when entering a new relationship? I'm interested

Me too especially as there are usually such high levels of violence and injury before the CPS will even consider trying to prosecute under GBH, especially GBH with intent.

Interested to know how mamy times you've actually used your safe word vs how times you've just pushed through it rather than say it?

I reported my ex and he got into a new relationship within the same week. It was nothing to do with her, although I was worried for her as she had 2 small children.
My ex was violent but such a good talker, it also took a while for the penny to drop with me that him being into BDSM was nothing to do with sex and everything to do with him being able to let his violent side out without getting into any trouble. He was also into 'consensual non consent' which made it impossible for the CPS to charge him with rape, because apparently me knowing this meant I gave up all of my rights. I wish to God someone had warned me or made a complaint before me (2 other women came out of the woodwork after I went to the police).

It happened about 20 years ago, and even after the other person kept pursuing and harassing him which caused him to call the police on them several times. The same had happened before the event, but afterwards he obviously couldn’t do anything but call the police. Several of his friends witnessed some of the encounters and police arrivals too and said how embarrassed he’d been about it. So yes, I am kind of letting that go because he seems to have been an idiot but not a malicious one.

This now is different though. I guess if they charge him next week it man’s that he likely did it because they’ll have some evidence. Right now I don’t know what to think yet because I have absolutely no idea what happened. I will not be sticking with an abuser though.

I have used the word a few times. We’re still exploring a lot and if I don’t like something and really don’t want to go ahead I use it. Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling. We also have plain ordinary sex btw, it’s not like it’s all like this.

Sometimes I go along with it even though it might not be the nicest feeling.

I'm sorry OP but you need to read this again and again until you understand what is going on. This is not normal. He is already manipulating you.

Why do you think you carry on having sex with him even when what he's doing doesn't feel good?
Would you tell your best friend to put up with that?

I think you need to be honest OP. You posted on here because something ain't right with this one. If you believe he was 100 percent a good person you never would have started this

Was he cleared or did he just not get convicted because the case wasnt strong enough? Just because this person might have lied (I dont believe they did( doesnt mean he didnt rape her.

You are with a man of four months aho cheated on his girlfriend for you, you need a safe word to have sex with, is 'angry and bitter',and has had several accusations.

Why on earth are you still there?

I don’t know about your partner and his guilt, the investigation will have to come to a conclusion.

BUT

I know that, whatever the accusation, I would too NOT speak to a police without a legal representation.

Unless you’ve been through an interrogation, you really don’t know what you’re talking about saying “oh yeah, if you’re truly innocent, just go down to the station and explain” 🙄

So he's raping you but it's ok because you haven't said the safe word? Please please please think deeply about your next move with this man

GBH too!! Misssd that.
Out of interest Op, when did this assault take place? You think it was when you were with him so where/when?

You could blow me over with a guat of wind if hes still sleeping with her.