My boyfriend was accused of sexual assault by his ex

[Ragdoll22]

Hi all, I appreciate some guidance on the actual process of all this.
My boyfriend has been accused of sexual assault by his ex, and she has formally reported this to the police. He has refused to attend an interview unless he has legal support sorted, so that will happen next week I guess.
Obviously he is raging, I have never seen him this angry. I understand why he is angry but it’s quite distressing.
Since he has refused to speak to the police he doesn’t know what exactly he is being accused of either. He insists that he did not assault her and that he has no idea what she might be inferring. I obviously believe him because she only reported this after we made it official that we are an item.
Does anyone know what might happen down the line apart from both of them giving statements? I would rather not get dragged into it but I am finding this hard to deal with. Thanks

I agree.

I understand OP ❤️you don't need to say sorry and you certainly don't need to be saying sorry to us?
I've been there and it's awful because 80 percent might be super sexy and just what you want but for some reason that extra 20 makes you feel sick when you think about it after, or you end up enduring it and disassosiating yourself from it when it's actually happening to you.
I thought I had found a man who liked being dominant, but I hadn't. I'd found a man who liked hurting my body at my most vulnerable. I feel such a mug now, but he built up so slowly (and like you said normal sex happened too) that by the point I was getting to fear I was about 6 months in, and had developed deep feelings.
Take care of yourself and chuck him xx

It’s true that I sometimes feel a bit guilty then because I feel like I am ruining the fun for him but I guess that’s my own fault.

It isn't supposed to be "fun for him", it's supposed to be mutually fulfilling for you both. How has he not made this clear? Is this your first BDSM relationship?

And knock off the self guilt tripping. It serves no purpose except to prime you for shit.

I thought it’s more of a compromise because there are some things I really like and they wouldn’t be his favourites, so..

On the assumption that you don't switch and he's always the dom, this is vanishingly unlikely to be an issue. And do you think he feels any guilt?

He’s 8 years older than me, if that helps.
I don’t really want to speak to friends or family about this (yet) because I feel embarrassed at the moment.
I was going to meet him today but cancelled this morning because I just need to be on my own for a while.

You've avoided giving your own age. Can we assume you are young?

I’m 28, so I wouldn’t consider myself young

I think it's really positive you've cancelled so you can have some space.

I promise you, it's not meant to be this hard or this confusing ever - let alone four months in.

I think you're more vulnerable and he's more predatory than I considered at the start of the thread so I'm sorry that my previous tone in posts early on was in retrospect unnecessarily brisk

I really think this man is very bad news for you even without the issue you originally posted about.

Please do talk to people on here if you find it helps clear your head.

When you spoke about the GBH charges you mentioned how there was provocation but did not think the fact that he was just 16 was relevant?

Seriously. I pointed out that he had been very young, in his teens, and that I do not hold it against him given the context at the time.
I don’t know but I feel like some people are just trying to have a dig at me at this stage. Right now I feel totally overloaded and like I am being viewed as an idiot, so I’ll step away now.

@wellhelloitsme dont worry I didn’t think your responses were harsh but thank you

Maybe I'm just dull but I can't think of any sex that I've ever had having the need for a safe word xD. Maybe with the weirdo hairpuller/biting types but they need dumped not a safe word lol. Get them a scratching post as a leaving present or something.

If a guy id only been dating a few months suggested using a safe word to me, I think my blood would run cold. Because it would suggest to me that he was going to be violent. Your self preservation instinct probably kicked in right then id imagine. Fleeting fear. But you perhaps ignored it because 'oh it's nothing to worry about because he is considering my feelings by giving me a safe word option'. Eh nah...It's more like saying I'm going to fling you about and ask for consent later.

It also worries me that you talk about feeling bad for stopping things you don't enjoy. Sex is not for his pleasure. It is a mutual act for you both to enjoy. He is not owed anything. If your fun stops, stop. If your pleasure stops, stop.

Good on you for asking for some space btw. Hopefully he will respect that. If he doesn't... ...don't bother with the safe word, just tell him to sod off.

too young for this. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know it's easy for me to say but you are clearly a lovely person, a thoughtful person, and you could go anywhere and meet anyone. Is he really special enough to balance out all the rest?

I've written about this before. When I was 19 I met a man and without writing out the whole long story again, he had numerous things going on I had to take on, and after 7 years I had nothing left in the tank. I was broken, depressed, drinking all the time, didn't eat, my mental health was done. I did fix him, and he acknowledges now I was the best thing that ever happened to him and losing me shaped him up. He's now in a lovely relationship in a nice house and a godo job and I'm still affected in many ways. I lost myself to love him. I still loved him when I left him, I just had to love myself more. And so do you.

please don't. As with any thread you get the perfect people who stick the boot in, but there are lots of people on here ready to listen and give you good advice.

Sorry I missed the post where you had said he was in his teens. I wasn't meaning to get at you, something isn't right though. I suspected he was lying to you, that's all. Turns out I missed that bit.

Please don't think people are trying to have a go at you, it's quite the opposite, just want you to face up to it and see it for what it is. Protect yourself, get out fast.

Yes @Ragdoll22 I read the post similar - we are all trying to help you.

Agree with hamheadsarah

I don’t think anyone views you as an idiot op but clearly what you’re writing is deeply concerning so people are worried for you

I think you know though, I think you know something is very wrong with this man and that even after just a few weeks you’re engaging in things that don’t feel good and you don’t like

as much as you haven’t said it I think this man is with you as he likes to hurt people and mainly women, and you let him hurt you, bdsm should have both parties in control but you are not remotely in control, then you add in the rage, the accusations, that you know of, and it looks very bad indeed.

He sounds like a predator OP. Not because of his alleged GBH accusation when he was a teenager, but because what you telling us about him now.

He likes pushing his partners sexual boundaries, often beyond what they’re comfortable with.

He probably pushed his ex too far, she refused, he got bored and found you to prey on.

His ex reflected on their relationship and realised she has been abused by him (rightfully so, you don’t know how far he went with her). She went to the police seeing you got together and she knows what he’s capable of. If she just rang you and told you, you wouldn’t believe her would you? She’s been where you are.

Im sorry @Ragdoll22 , you really don’t need to subject yourself to fulfil his fantasies.

Thanks 🙏 @Didsomeonesaydogs and @Ragdoll22

@LooseGoose22 and @Naughtyperson972 i think both of you are right on the money.

spot on

OP i am sorry you are overwhelmed. understandably so. please talk to friends in real life for further support if you can.

most of all don’t take any further risk with this man. and if you do stay despite the advice here or just in future relationships, please oh please LISTEN to YOUR inner voice, and act on it. It’s there for a reason to keep you safe. trust those gut instincts over the flowery feelings in your heart. good luck going forward

Hope you don't step away from the thread although I can understand that you feel overwhelmed.

You're not dumb and you've already made a really good decision in cancelling your plans with him today and by putting this all down on this thread.

Lora of people in here want the absolute best result for you

yes, poor guy, I feel his pain too. GBH charges, assault with a weapon and now rape charges. Women are awful creatures, always filing for assault against him.

Really?

Well one of the things that is considered to be sexual coercion is Making promises in order to get sex from you e.g. “This is not a one-night-stand; I promise…”

so I would consider it to be like that, if she wouldn't have slept with him knowing he was fucking someone else and assumed that they were in an exclusive relationship then there's an issue.

It also says here www.sexualhealthdg.co.uk/sexualcoercion.php#:~:text=Sexual%20coercion%20happens%20when%20someone,easier%20just%20to%20say%20yes

We define Sexual Consent as ‘Free Agreement’. This means that for consent to exist, the person who gives it must be free from any type of pressure.
There is NO Free Agreement if:

-The person gave consent after being deceived