Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

Firstly, get yourself a family solicitor and chat through your options. Ring round for a free first chat.
Can you afford the rent etc on your own ?

Do you have your own bank account with wages/child benefit paid into it ?

You're not going to snap out of it. It's like a bereavement and it's a slow recovery progress with highs and lows.
I agree that it's unbelievable that someone can walk away from a family life with those wonderful children. Sadly people do.
Your priority now has to be to look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. It's going to be hard, but you can do it. The very best of luck.

Really sorry to hear this @Lostmorris . You sound like you are handling it really well if that is any consolation.

Focus on the practical stuff and cut your day down into small chunks of time with small things to achieve. Keep moving forward.

As time goes on, I think you will come to realise that he wasn't such a great husband. Look after yourself and the DC.

I don't have any advice other than make sure to keep taking care of yourself! Stay strong op

Yeah my wage and child benefit goes into my account. I can’t afford rent on my own, but it’s cheapest in the area so I can’t move, I probably need to see if I’m entitled to benefits. He recons he will be carrying on paying into our joint account as normal for now, he’s probably not going to once’s he’s out the door though is he?

I took today off work to try and deal with it and I wish I hadn’t, it’s just me alone all day long.

What a bastard.

I think you are right to be wary of what he is saying right now, as like you say he is probably going to change his mind later. Try to do what you can to get him to commit to financial things while he is still willing to do so.

Remember that Mumsnet is always here. Day and night and there are people with experience and with expertise.

Post on legal when you need to as well.

He says he will still be calling in and doing bed times and his share of the school runs (we do them together so my childcare costs will sky rocket if he doesn’t), and I can still chat to him about my day because we are still friends, it’s like he just want to sleep in a different house. Itd be great for the kids if he stuck to all this but he’s having an affair and just dumped me with no warning so he’s probably not being that sincere is he? It’s hard trying to work out who he is now.

Yep he's a bastard.
Get your benefits sorted, tax credits, housing benefit etc.
Apply for cms, don't rely on him paying half the bills or whatever other nonsense he promises because he's doing it out of guilt and once he's set up with ow you'll be the money grabber who's financially ruining him and the money will probably stop.
Getting your finances in place is one less thing to worry about.
Be kind to yourself, take time to grieve but try to do one thing everyday to lift your spirits even if its just sat in the garden having a brew.
You're in shock understandably but it will get easier and you will get over it.
Try to limit contact to only discussing the DC.
Do not do the pick me dance.
I feel for you OP, let us know how you get on ❤️

Do you know for sure he's having an affair? Or have you just surmised it, has he said yes or no if you've asked him?

Been in exactly your situation OP. Sending love. It does take a very long time to adjust, be patient with yourself.
Look at changing this attitude is a starting point I would suggest:
"couldn’t care less about the affair"

Start caring about the affair and find your anger. xx

He told me

I think the anger comes when the shock fades, you will just be reeling right now while you try to make sense of it but that stage doesn't last long. The angry phase is easier imo, once your brain actually registers what he's done the rage for yourself and DC will kick in and override the sadness, at least for a while. Try to focus on practicalities as much as you can, it's going to be an emotional rollercoaster but having some control over the practical stuff will help. I'm so sorry he's done this to you and DC

My heart broke reading that @Lostmorris 💐 as a PP said, you are grieving right now. You just need to go through the motions to get through these early days.

Do not agree to anything with him right now, you’re not in the right frame of mind for it. Pretty soon the anger phase will hit.

MN will be with you

This op. I have also been where you are, in fact I could have (and did) written your post almost 5 years ago.

It's a huge shock and your life as you know it is going to change but it doesn't have to be for the worse. We told our dc that were weren't making each other happy anymore but that we loved them and they would still see us both all of the time. I also made sure they never saw us be anything other than civil to each other, even though I wanted to rip his face off.

We are divorcing at the moment and I can now say we have some sort of friendship out of all the heartache and mess BUT I could not be his friend for a long time, despite him telling me I was his best friend. I didn't need him to be my friend, I needed to be angry with him and I needed him to be a decent dad to our dc (thankfully he was).

Look into benefits you may be entitled to, try and get some support (I had some counselling to help me process things) and just keep talking. The affair is probably an ego boost (men seem to need this at a certain age) but if he is willing to throw away his family over it then he isn't the man you deserve.

Take one day at a time - you are stronger than you think you are x

What an absolute vile b*stard!
if I were you I would turn round and say..”well funnily enough Ive decided to leave as well..hope the kids will be ok”

I find it incredible how some men think being a parent is optional.

Put your claim for UC in today you can claim as a single parent although he's under he same roof.

He can carry in doing the school runs but he doesn't get to see the DC in your home he has them at his bachelor pad - they can camp out together.

I would tell him he needs to pack and go.

Honestly it wont be good if he comes around as if nothing is wrong , don't indulge him in that bullshit .

The stuff he's talking about, popping in to help with bedtime, paying bills etc will break down. It needs to be sorted properly. Isn't it usually one night in the week and every other weekend and he pays CMS or 50-50.

Although the more relaxed approach may seem easier go for an actual arrangement.

I'm so sorry, I've been there and its horrible. I will echo everyone who has said that you shouldn't rely on the promises he's making now. I had all sorts of promises made regarding access, maintenance etc. None of them materialised. He ended up paying 50% of the maintenance he had originally agreed to. Definitely look into what benefits you can claim and get legal advice.
Down the line when things settle you can think about making friends etc, I know I found losing that friendship that you mention the hardest. Just having someone to chat random nonsense to or text venting that you're having a crap day at work. But you will find that again. For now focus on protecting you and your dcs.

I would get practical, sit down with him with a blank piece of paper and say ok, you want to split, how do we make this work do the children are protected? Despite the stories of deadbeat dads on here many men do continue to pay fairly for their kids, my ex continues to pay maintenance despite them being in their 20's as I maintain a home for them.

I would suggest you apply for universal credit asap, it may not be a lot, or it may not be awarded but it's worth trying. Finally do try to talk to people in real life, even a passing conversation

And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

Why do you think he will be just visiting and not doing bed times? Surely he'll be having overnight contact with the kids? You should tell him that you're expecting him to have 50/50 shared care with you. Only reason I'd deviate from that is if he's a massively higher earner than you and his child maintenance is enough to compensate for your reduced working capacity.

As a single parent with 2 kids you'll quite likely qualify for the child element of UC, and if you use child care they should help towards that as well.

You don't need a solicitor to divorce, especially if you don't have any assets to argue over. Don't forget pensions though.

So easy for the men. Had enough? Just leave!

My heart breaks for you OP. I'm so sorry. This will take a good while to process and recover from. Please allow yourself the space and time to be angry, hurt, shocked, panicked, desperate, confused, sad. You'll feel all of this but you WILL recover and live happily again.

Same story every time... DH has his head turned, blows up a beautiful family, then the affair fizzles out and he will come crawling back. Until next time.

He will lose in all this. Especially regarding time with his kids. You dont get that back.

We are all here for you to talk to, many of us have been exactly where you are now. Keep talking xxxx

I can’t imagine the shock you must be feeling, you need some time to process this.

personally once the shock had subsided I would get hard, and tough. No point in him lingering, ask him when he is moving out and check he has adequate provision for his children. Change the locks, he doesn’t retain the rights to come and go into your house when he pleases. State that you assume daddy’s new “friend” will not feature in your children’s life for the foreseeable future? He has had control of your relationship for a while and it’s time for you to take some back. He doesn’t get to control how or when he leaves or how often he pops back.

He might have moved on to friend stage but you haven’t had that luxury of time and a more exciting life to move on to yet, so take it easy on yourself.