Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

I agree with you. When I got divorced, many years ago, I had to see a judge in chambers as we had no agreement in writing about the children. I told him we were both totally flexible and would be led by the children, they were both double figures so not little ones. He said it wouldn't work. I said it would and for example in the summer they were likely to be at dad's more as he lived next to their cricket club, in winter they'd be at mine more for football. It was purely a practical decision and there was no way we wanted them being obliged to be with him on Saturdays or training night so they had to travel for football and the reverse for summer and cricket. Eventually he relented but shook his head and said we were just creating future trouble.

It worked for us, wouldn't work for everyone but every case is unique.

@oakleaffy 💐for you. Remembering that pain is bloody awful x

I’ve been there.
I ended up quitting my job and going onto income support for 6 months straight after as my care work was unsuitable for being a single mum to a 2yo and 4yo due to late evening work and weekends (also had school age children). I healed from the shock by spending a lot of time reading! After 6mths I got a new, more suitable job that was term time only and week
days only.
If you are on the tax credit system they will adjust your tax credits according to the number of children and your working hours. I don’t know how UC works. You should be able to get some housing help so worth talking to someone to find out what support you can get.

My ex did stay in touch, he came over in evenings to see the children, make dinners, put them to bed for some years after he left me. It helped the children but not really me but I wanted them to have as close to two parent family as possible. He has now moved on completely and sees them every other weekend only - his choice. They miss him now but are old enough to know I was never the one to stand in the way. I’m much closer to the children for allowing that as they now can see what he did more clearly.
Good luck, the shock does wear off in time but you do go through a grieving stage when the break up is more gentle and not because of arguments etc.

They miss him now but are old enough to know I was never the one to stand in the way. I’m much closer to the children for allowing that as they now can see what he did more clearly. You got a justly deserved reward for putting the children first. Mine are adults now and have both said how much it helped that their dad and I never badmouthed each other to them. They are aware we are both human, both have our faults but both wanted the best for them.

OP he's trying to blame you/your relationship for his awful choices when he's simply lost his head over someone else. Of course he is leaving you for her.

My dad was a serial adulterer and I remember that for my mum a big part of the story was surprise, bewilderment, the sense you describe of 'but what about your children? About what we have?'

At least he is leaving on the first? Affair. Don't let him string you along. All the best.

It happened to me 3 years ago. Thought my life was over. 2 kids. 3 years on, kids doing brilliantly, exH and I very amicable relationship and I have a lovely boyfriend of a year.

I spent 18 months recovering from the shock. Kept myself busy with hobbies at home. Eventually I felt calmer and ready to go on a date.

You can’t just snap out of it, just go with it. You’ll recover in time. Read the book Runaway Husbands and join the private Facebook group to get support from thousands in the same position. Really helped me. www.runawayhusbands.com

OP my ex still has a key to the house (we aren’t divorced/haven’t sold the house yet). You have to just do what you think is right. Lots of people will advise you but go with what’s right for you. I don’t have family support either so I had to make sure my relationship with ex stayed amicable. He pops in on our kids most mornings and when I’m not there (working etc.). It benefits us all, especially the kids.

Please stop saying he is your best friend. He isn’t. Best friends don’t hurt each other like this and expect to carry on being best friends. He is a weak willed man who is prepared to break his kids hearts because he fancies shagging another woman. by all means keep things civil if you can, but he has clocked out emotionally from you and you should do the same for him.

Since you are at home today take the time to go through as many financial records as you can, take screenshots of as many bank statements, rental agreements, pay slips etc as you can. You will need these when you are claiming CS.

Contact benefits people and see what you are entitled to.

Contact the local council and get your council tax changed to a ingle person.

Put his stuff in plastic sacks so he can take it with him.

if he comes round for bedtimes etc then that is great, something to be encouraged , but you don’t need to feed him or do his washing.

I’m so sorry OP. I am angry on your behalf. He’s just a typical male selfish shit. Doesn’t like the reality of parenting ‘noisy, chaotic’ and instead of stepping up to it, just runs away. I have nothing but contempt for that and for him.
That makes him pathetic, weak and unmanly in my eyes.

You, on the other hand, clearly have strength in spades.

He's hardly going to take off and run away with your kids when he's shagging someone else in the same town, is he?
Where would he go and who could he shag then??

I would not let him in the house and he can do his share of the care and carrying of the kids elsewhere outside your home.
He left.
He doesn't get to dictate the rules.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. It sounds like your husband is trying to have everything on his terms. When the grief and other horrible feelings have subsided a little, you need to address that and make sure whatever happens is on your terms too, as well as taking into account the needs of your kids. Good luck x

Oh OP, you're in shock right now and that will take time to recover from.

Just don't let him dictate the terms of this........ he doesn't get to have his cake, eat it and make trifle from it too. Having him swanning in and out of the house when he feels like it isn't good for the kids and certainly not for you.

He has shown himself to be a liar, a cheat and someone not worthy of you. Remember that in your weaker moments

Please give yourself time and be kind to yourself. You absolutely are grieving a horrible loss.

Yes, it is normal to feel anxious, you are stepping into the unknown and everything will feel out of your control.

Get your notebook and start planning, it really helped me. Get on the phone to universal credit and get a single person claim in, you can do this straight away as your circumstances have changed. And get your council tax reduced to single person. I did two jobs at a time (pretty much two a day) and told friends in batches as it felt more manageable.

Sorry this has happened to you. Personally I'd put boundaries in place as it would be too difficult to have him just coming and going as he pleases.

He's no friend, but you'll find new friends in time and build up a network of people who are there for you.

What a depressingly predictable piece of shit he has turned out to be.

So sorry you are going through this.

@Lostmorris

in time Op you might find shared contact a good thing

Whilst the kids at their dads, it will give you time for you. You time! To do hobbies, or socialise with friends , or who knows maybe even get to know a lovely new man

lots of women I know say that actually shared contact works really well for them , they get to not just be mummy and do things for themselves. It’s good!

"Those who’ve been through this, is it normal to feel anxious about what he may do? He has never been remotely threatening or violent to me or anyone else, even in arguments he’s just not like that and never has been. But I suddenly feel anxious that he will do something crazy like break in or take the kids or loose his mind, like you read stories in the news of people murdering families once they realise they can’t be with them."

I think you can relax if he has no form for any kind of violence. Having said that I think it is totally understandable if you are thinking this way if the decision to split up felt out of the blue. It is like you question your whole relationship and whether he even ever loved you. Make sure your house is safe (i.e. locks on the door etc) and try to get as rigid as possible a timetable for him to see the children. Don't agree to him coming and going like your home is a hotel. That will only do your head in and confuse the children. xxx

Re contact with the kids, I think you need to do what is best for the kids for the moment.
I'm always surprised the advice to 'stick it to DH 'and make him take them for weekends and also some weeks of the school holidays . This attitude of getting back at the DH is understandable of course, but at the same time make very miserable and upset children even more miserable if they have to spend time in unfamiliar surroundings. They would be so confused. OP I'm glad you see the bigger picture of putting your children first. If it were me I would initially do what is in their best interests.

@dogmandu

what about what’s in her best interests?

she’s every bit as important as the kids

That is true, but what is in her children's best interests will probably be in her best interests as well . That's what being a múm is all about. She will be trying to minimise their misery. Each time she see it, it will be like a stab in her heart.

@dogmandu

Whilst it may be in the kids (short term) interests , I’m really not sure allowing her ex to waltz in and out of her house whenever he feels like it is in OP’s interests

Whilst it may be in the kids (short term) interests , I’m really not sure allowing her ex to waltz in and out of her house whenever he feels like it is in OP’s interests
@ luckysantangelo

In the long term I agree

Bless you, @PinaColadaSunset , The emotional pain is hideous while it lasts.
@Lostmorris ..You will one day look back, and it will be but a distant memory.
As Dad said to me...''Chin up'' .

To previous posters. What makes him a bastard?