Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

The attitude you want to take is that your life is going to get better. What's done is done but you should be looking forward to creating a life you will enjoy living.

You should look to earn the amount that will get you the maximum UC and use the free time and funds to join some groups and meet some people.

Finances firsts, life second.

While you're on UC upskill for your future but don't rush yourself. So many work opportunities have opened up since the beginning of the technological revolution and remote work is convenient and can be lucrative. Look at tech companies, they offer quite a few decent jobs that are remote and well paid.

There's a whole world out there for you to enjoy and you will meet someone else too.

Go to the council and get on the housing list. You cannot afford your rent and see what the best route is to get housed. It's so much nicer than private rent because it's permanent and the home is yours but without any liability.

He doesn't get to come and go as he pleases, while you chat about your day to him! No way. If he comes to do bath time, let him in, let him go up to the children's room and the bathroom - your room should be out of bounds - and as soon as bath time is over then he has to go. Don't tell him anything about your life. Don't look depressed, just "Hi, the kids are upstairs waiting for you" and then go to the living room or kitchen and don't come out until the bath is over.

If your children go to school, put their uniforms in a basket on Friday night and tell him you want them back clean, dry and folded on Sunday night.

No they won’t be damaged forever. How old are they? Pretending everything is ok to children isn’t helping anyone. There will be awkward atmosphere no matter how hard you try.
If he normally takes to school maybe he can still do that. Or if he has time after school agree he’ll have them 3.30-6.30 2 nights a week.
Him coming and going as he fancies is stopping you all moving on. Unless they are tiny they’ll soon twig Daddy is going home to his girlfriend. What example are you setting for them - ok to be treated as a doormat.

Not setting any bad example yet, we haven’t told them yet, a day to work out what to say to them after finding myself isn’t lying to them. Give me a chance 😑

@Lostmorris
Fuck, I’m sorry.
We are so often the last person to know.
He’s an arsehole, and WILL doubtless be leaving for the O W.

It’s a numbing shock.
Unfortunately very common.

Two young kids -classic.

I bet she hasn’t any kids,but will get knocked up fast.

He will leave her, too,in time.

Dickhead. Predictable Dickhead.

There's a scene in WeCrashed where the wife is doing an acting class and struggles to find the core emotion in a scene. She does it over and over, the acting coach shouting at her, until she finally uncovers her core feeling: "Why are men so disappointing?"

I think she speaks for all of us.

Part of him not coming and going to see the DC is for him to wake the F up and realise what he has done and is doing. Basically he is otherwise doing the bit of parenting he wants to and nothing else abandoning you to do the lions share whilst he shacks up with no responsibilities.

Sure you don't need to start today but don't like it drag out.

Definitely not.

Not criticism of you at all. I can imagine you are reeling. You obviously need time to decide how things will look re contact before telling the children. I’m meaning in 6 months time if he’s coming for his tea & bedtime then going home to his gf. It’s not good for your self esteem or the children. If he’s selling the let’s all play happy families it’s only to make him feel better not in your childrens’ or your best interests.

I wouldn't let him pop in and out as it suits him either.
Sorry you're going through this.

Categorically not.
Their guilt fades fast.
The OW will likely pressure for payments to you and DC to stop.
“But what about USSSSSSSSSS”

Your anger will come soon enough.

I think lots of men imagine life after divorce as lots of cheerful "popping in" while the ex wife brings them friendly cups of tea while they do the kids' bath time, before the bloke slinks away to a nubile young partner at home for a steak and a shag.

Er, no.

The reality is he left the family so he has to tell the kids and he has to find somewhere child-friendly to live and he has to have those kids at least one sleepover and EOW snd he has to pay a decent amount of maintenance and if he doesn't like it then he can bloody well lump it.

Get a separation agreement drawn up NOW before his guilt fades. They're very generous when they're guilty but stingy AF as soon as the new woman starts telling them they're paying too much.

I can't help, but I can say one thing. Your husband is a selfish prick.

I co-parent with my ex and whilst at times he has been an arse to me he's pretty good still at doing his share of parenting (2 days to my 5 due to his work) which saves a fortune in childcare as I work those days. It's not a given he will be a crap Dad.

I’m not sure if this has been suggested but go onto entitledto so you can see what benefits etc you can get. Then start the process asap so you gave finances covered. Also contact citizens advice for your area a solicitor will be an expense you can do without right now. I’m so sorry but I think you will look back and realise he has done you a favour and you deserve better x

The thing is he still sees you as his confidante. He wants you to be on his side and give him shoulder to cry on.
Many men want that, after all you are "still hi best friend" so he expects nothing less.

He's probably telling himself this is all OK because the only thing that needs to change is him staying overnight at your home, he thinks the children won't be disrupted, you can still be friends, and it'll all carry on in a way that means actually he's not a lying cheating bastard but actually doing you all a favour.
Maybe you can explain to him that's not how it works, if he leaves he will need to arrange either 50:50 care, or if that's not what you want, designated days/evenings at specific times, he can't just turn up whenever he feels like it. He'll need to sort out where he's going to see them.

It's not OK either for him to put the kids to bed and then go off out, leaving you stuck in by yourself. It's not OK for him to say he can't have them at weekends. You accommodated that when you were together, but why should you now?
Don't make things easy for him.. you don't need to be petty, but you do need to put your own interests above his now.
Get legal advice, and when he comes round to see the kids, go out. Go to meet people, go to a class, for a walk, just walk out the door when he walks in, until he arranges to take them out. Don't do friendly or even neutral chats with him. He is not your friend any more. Business like arrangements about the DC are all you need to discuss with him right now.

You’ve been given excellent advice and it’s hard to find the anger to stand up for yourself when you’re completely doubled over with grief for a man who’s shown you what he really is, but if you can’t find the anger yet for yourself who has been betrayed and cheated on, and thrust aside like trash, find it for your DC. He has decided he doesn’t want to be a Dad to them, just do their baths and school run a few times a week so he can enjoy himself shagging another woman. He doesn’t care how upsetting their Dad not being at home will be for them. He only cares about shagging the OW. No doubt he’ll be enforcing her on them too very soon.

Find your anger and take strength from that for their sakes. He doesn’t get to cone into your home and play Disney Dad for a few hours a week. You call the shots.

Get every benefit you can so you don’t need to rely on his money but take everything you can, do not let him back in the house, that is yours and your DCs sanctuary and he has shit on it.

He has to have the DC at his at times that work for you. Friday night thru to Sunday morning so you can start some social activities to find friends, then have a quiet Sunday with DC before the working week?

He’d make me feel sick just to look at him.

This is true and not something he's had to think about.

Many married men get carried away with how wonderful they are, they're wives have built them up to such a degree they feel confident, attractive because they've never been dumped and invincible.

You've built him up...
It's now time to pull him down.

He's not the perfect dad, or the perfect husband, he's a twat and I bet without your support he's going to come back down to earth pretty quick.

All these things that made him feel like a wonderful man, being a rgeat dad and family man are going to dissolve away and people are going to see him as just another crap deadbeat dad, who carries on with women who don''t give a shit about breaking families up.

Hold your head high love, his reputation is in the gutter, so please don't make it easy for him, allowing him to get away with this guilt free and with no accountability.

You are worth a million of him..

Just popping back on to say thank you everyone for your support and advice, it’s very much appreciated. I’ve still not found the anger but I have found out that he has indeed moved in with the other woman and the affair has been going on since last year, so I imagine the anger will arrive shortly!

Im going to do everything I can to be strong and find some self respect and handle this the best I can.

I'm sorry he has done this to you and the kids. He has shown his true colours. A very selfish man who only thinks about himself and his own needs and wants.

I'm not one for angry. I don't have it in me. But to protect myself and help me heal firm boundaries are needed. Start as you mean to go on

CMS and contact are now set in stone. I know the kids being away from you will be so very hard but don't let him think he skips off to his new happy life. And in time you will adjust and have space for yourself to make a new life of your own.

Look after you. Make sure you eat and drink.

Get yourself a book called Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. It will change your life. There is a website too called Chunp Lady. It will help you immensely.

These men are absolute selfish fuckers and will do anything so they are 'happy', regardless of who or what they destroy in the process.

Prepare yourself for all the mindfucks that are to come. The book will help. Honestly! Best thing I did was buy it.

I'm so sorry. I know what you are going through

Oh bloody typical!
My ex husband did exactly the same, said he was going to 'Rent' to sort his head out, but nope, he moved in immediately with the OW.

I really am sorry, I know how numb one feels, how utterly exhausted, like a haze of disbelief and terrible betrayal.

You will find your anger, I promise, but your body has shut down at the moment, with shock.

With my ex, he married OW, after our divorce, and guess what......It didn't last, and he phoned me for support!!!!!!!

Nuts, eh. I told him to speak to a friend..and he did.

Years later he said it was the worst thing he did.

The really sad thing is, the kid/s suffer the most.

You will survive, but it's not easy with little ones. They get very confused and upset.

Good luck .

Those who’ve been through this, is it normal to feel anxious about what he may do? He has never been remotely threatening or violent to me or anyone else, even in arguments he’s just not like that and never has been. But I suddenly feel anxious that he will do something crazy like break in or take the kids or loose his mind, like you read stories in the news of people murdering families once they realise they can’t be with them. I have absolutely no reason to feel unsafe and im not withholding contact or anything, logically I no it’s just because im not used to living alone and I’m dealing with the shock of realising he’s not who I thought I was. But I just can’t help but feel anxious something bad will happen. I do plan to start counselling as soon as I can, but I’m normally such a together person it’s stressing me out having these irrational thoughts.

@Lostmorris I'm no psychologist, but it's highly unlikely your husband will hurt anyone, Your anxiety and shock will be severe at the moment, that's natural, most men don't want the children full time, or even 50/50 especially when the kids are small.too much like hard work
..And the OW almost definitely don't want the kids around much.

The case that immediately came to mind when you mentioned this remote possibility was an American case, in Frederick, Colorado of a few years ago but that was so unusual and so appalling simply because it is so very rare.