Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

It’s such a shitty thing to do to you. He devastates you then leaves you to pick up pieces and deal with heartbroken children.
I’d get some proper legal advice even if you don’t feel you have assets eg he might have a pension.
I’d try and agree firm contact arrangements and maintenance. Not him coming into your house as he pleases. He’s not your friend and doesn’t have interests at heart.
He needs to tell the children with you.

Why do you think he will be just visiting and not doing bed times? Surely he'll be having overnight contact with the kids? You should tell him that you're expecting him to have 50/50 shared care with you.

He doesn’t plan to take them to his at first, im sure it will change eventually but for now he wants to parent them in their home to avoid disrupting them I think? I think I’d rather that than have him take them 50/50, I can’t face being a part time parent myself. I brought them into this world and I no they are their own people really, but they are mine and I’m so not ready to share contact, I haven’t done anything wrong I don’t deserve it.

Again I realise il need to pull it together and do what’s best for them, and I will make damn sure I do the right thing by them. But when it comes to moaning on mumsnet I’m a million miles from being done with my self pity.

Maybe he doesn’t want them 50/50 though? He’s not enjoying the ‘chaos’ and ‘noise’ of coming home to family life according to him so maybe he won’t want them overnight. I should add as I think I missed it earlier that he’s struggled with depression for longer than I’ve known him, he changed medication at the start of this year and it seems to have started working better? It’s like he’s clearing out as his mental health improves almost. I’m just rambling though really, I have no idea what his brains at. I think mines just flitting through the stages of grief, I’ve had the overwhelming sadness, denial, trying to explain it all away, whereeeee is my anger?

Thanks for the practical advice everyone. He doesn’t have a good pension or anything yet and he earns more than me but we both earn less than the ‘uk average’ so we have nothing really. I’m going to go buy a notebook and a pen and start making practical notes of what I need to do, like a sad little divorcing notepad I guess, and start trying to get angry at him for generally just being a dick.

Yeah right,well you might want to set him straight on what separation actually means. You'll find it 100 times garden to get over him if he is using you as a best mate and turning up at your door whenever he fancies it. Stamp on that right away OP. He can have the children at his house. Yes you can be friendly as you covalent but not best friends any more. You are allowed to be upset, even if it makes him

I think it will be confusing to them to say you are separating but then him coming into family home and playing happy families. I’d want him to have contact outside the home. He could take them to school, to park, to McDonald’s if his living arrangements aren’t suitable yet.
I’d add an STI check to your list too.
You will get through this.

I'm not sure about this popping in and out plan. Surely it just causes confusion? Also I know your priority is your kids but you have to look after yourself too and this part time happy families thing he's proposing could be really hard for you. Make sure you etc some support, Gingerbread (the charity not the food!) might be worth looking into or some other local groups.

It’s fine to be angry. He’s created a family and walked out on them. You don’t get to do that (nor would you want to) his motivation is what’s best for him/makes him look less shitty. You need to do what is best for you and children. Him flitting in and out isn’t. Daddy has left you are seeing him on Saturday is much easier than dealing with kids who won’t sleep as they are waiting to see if he turns up or upset that he’s been and left yet again.

What an absolute prick, I’m so sorry OP. I cannot believe he’s said he’s “not enjoying the noise and chaos of family life” - what the fuck did he expect when he decided to have children? That they’d be silent? Some of these men are unbelievable. You’ll realise in time you’re better off without this selfish bastard but I know it must really hurt right now 💐

No practical advice here, just to say I feel for you.

Grieve grieve grieve… so sorry OP. What a terrible situation to be in.

He wants his life his way but without the "noise".
In time you'd find that his presence will be uncomfortable, overbearing.
It is YOUR and yoir kids home, not his.

I’m sorry, but this man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He can pop in and see his kids in a comfy and safe environment , as and when it suits him (obviously he doesn’t hang around when it gets too tough or noisy!), maintain a friendship with you then skip off to his girlfriend kid free.

It’s not about playing games, but you need to get mad and tough on him. He made his bed, he needs to sleep in it.

From the splits I’ve seen, you’re better off locking in a childcare and money arrangement ASAP. The longer it goes on, people get more bitter and care less about the other and what’s best for the kids.

How old are your children?

I'm very sorry to hear this. You must be hurting a lot.

Taking action helps. Even if you don't feel like it - get yourself an A4 notebook and write the date at the top of each page and a list of to dos.

Re finances google credit union in your area - they do lost cost loans and savings some against child benefit. It will help in the short and long term.

Good luck

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

He is not your friend. You and he don't have to be enemies, but he is not your friend. The welfare of your children and the logistics of caring for them is the only subject that you should be discussing with him.

He has made his choice to leave. Coming back to call in and do bed times as and when it suits him is not his decision to make. Don't let him. It will be too disruptive and confusing for the children.

50:50 responsibility for your children should be your starting point. He needs to be caring for them in his home when he spends time with them. Not interrupting the routine that you have established for them in your home.

As PP has said, do not do the pick me dance.

It’s not up to him to decide when he can just pop in, do bed time and talk to you about your day and then go back to his girlfriend and easy life. Make that very clear to him now, you need to take back control. He is not thinking of his children, he is thinking of what is best for him.

Remember he’s had time to think about this and plan it, you haven’t. He can’t have his cake and eat it.

And the new girlfriend might not find him so interesting when she understands that he will have his children staying with him and they need his attention.

Op rest assured that this sadness and grieving will pass and you’ll turn into an angry force of nature and you’ll get all the shit done that you need to get done and raise your kids well.

it’ll be hard, the loneliness will be temporary.

my only advice is to reach out to someone, anyone.

let your childrens school know a divorce is happening so they have support in school.

mention it to someone at work so you have support and people are aware you’re going through a huge stress and any errors or moments at work you’re struggling they can support you.

you’d be surprised just at how people will care for you and look out for you, more often than not it’s the ones you least expect.

most of all OP. Do not trust a word your ex says. He will say whatever to ensure he is comfortable. He’s telling you what you want to hear so you won’t tell him to fuck off (you should! He made his bed elsewhere let him lie in it)
so you won’t get CMS sorted (do it, asap)
so you’ll put off getting benefits so you ‘need’ him (again do this asap!)
The lingering about tells me he’s had a better offer but if it falls through he’ll be all over you and want to ‘try again’ don’t. Just don’t.

you’ve got this.

Don’t apologise, OP! Your shattered feelings are not ‘self-pitying drivel’. All of us here are sending you love and sympathy. (What I would send your shitty husband is not printable.)

PP are giving useful advice. Get CMS and everything else sorted officially. Don’t rely on any informal offer he makes, because he will stop paying/ doing school runs etc as soon as he stops feeling a bit guilty about leaving. In fact, in a few weeks time you may be the guilty party, in his eyes, because whatever blah blah blah.

I suspect he wants to see DC in your home because it’s convenient to him. He doesn’t want children intruding on his little shag-nest while he’s still settling in with the OW. And if she throws him out when the shine wears off, don’t be tempted to take him back. Any man who does this once can do it again, and again.

I also agree with Dixiechicks: You need to do what is best for you and children. Him flitting in and out isn’t. “Daddy has left, you are seeing him on Saturday” is much easier than dealing with kids who won’t sleep as they are waiting to see if he turns up or upset that he’s been and left yet again.

Best wishes to you and DC. You will get through this together, and without the burden of that self-centred, self-pitying cheat.

He says I can still chat to him about my day because we are still friends,

That makes me want to kill him.

He wants niâmes and eat it.
Play the dotting dad who is still here fir his dcs whilst he is shagging another woman.

Dont ket him do that!
Dont let him come and ho as he pleases in your house, discuss your day with him etc… This will make it 100x more difficult for you to move on. To rebuild your life. It will be another cut each time he is looking all lovely with the dcs and you know he will go in a few minutes back to his single life and the OW.

If he wants to leave, so be it. But he needs to take with comes with it. The cost of a flat/house that can accommodate the dcs. Having to navigate having the dcs and the OW etc etc etc

Plus it would be more confusing for the dcs to have daddy there every day or every other day and then be told actually he doesn’t live there anymore. And it will be YOU who has to pick up the pieces all because he doesn’t want to tell them/look like the bad guy.

This. Be kind to yourself. You don't need to snap out of anything. It's completely natural, normal and to be expected that you feel the way you do. Give yourself permission and time to process, and focus on self-care. Remember to eat. Nap if you need to. Try to spend some time in the sun. Cuddle your kids. Everything else should come second to this.

Sorry you're having to deal with all of that OP. Re finding your anger, think about what he's doing to your family and your dc and his motivation, he's causing a lot of pain and disruption to the people he's supposed to love and protect just to get some action. He's not a good dh or father and your dc are going to need you to support them through this. The fact he's cheated on you and only told you when he's at the point of leaving you shows who he is. You're getting great advice here and you will get through this.

Sorry you are going through this.

It is a loss so you will experience feelings similar to a bereavement. There are stages we go through when experiencing a loss. Might be a good idea to look up the stages of bereavement that way you are prepared for what is to come.

it is hard but please know you will cone through it, it just takes time. Infact theres a big chance you will actually come out happier than what you were.

You will find his promises will be empty. Please sort out your universal credit and child maintenance sooner rather than later that way you do not have to deal with the pressure of bills and money whilst this is all going on. It takes a few weeks for your universal credit claim to go through.

Most importantly look after yourself, be kind to yourself and take it 1 day at a time. Nothing last forever and the way you are feeling won't last forever. You will get through this. I promise you that.

Please don't let him cherry-pick the parts of your life as a family he still wants to enjoy. He's leaving, therefore he's made a decision to move on with his life away from his family. Make him realise what he's rejecting and the enormity of that decision by not letting him come in to do bedtimes and cosy chats about your day. Start divorce proceedings. Show him you're not going to wait around for him to miss your cooking and want back home.

He's choosing to be a single parent - so that means he takes the kids to his place if he wants to see them. It doesn't have to be 50/50, maybe just a couple of nights a week (my DS spends one night through the week and one weekend night at his dad's - he was 2 when we split, but he's now 12 and everyone is still happy with that arrangement). That gives you time to get out, cultivate some hobbies, make new friends, or just read a book in peace!

It may not feel like it now, but it is a really good thing you know about the OW - at least he's being honest about that, at least you're not being sent crazy by all the denials.

I would strongly advise you don't go down this route of letting him play 'drop in dad', even just at the start. Once that routine has been established it'll be hard to change it. And doing so will just be causing more disruption for the kids later on. As others have pointed out, all the advantages to it are his - he can come and go as he pleases, with no pressure on him to actually turn up as arranged, it leaves him totally free to continue his affair without the responsibility of kids getting in the way.

It makes it harder for the kids to fully understand that you are separating, and it's harder for you, having him coming and going in your home. There's every chance that he'll try and weasel his way into your bed, as so often happens in these circumstances. At that point you might think it's because he wants you back (the natural thing for you to do in that situation is allow yourself to fight for him, to try and win him back), but ultimately you risk becoming his bit on the side. Even if his relationship with the current affair partner doesn't work out, and he comes crawling back to you, his loyalty to you is gone, and he'll stray again in time.

I get that it's really hard to 'lose' your kids whilst they go and stay with their dad for his contact, but that's just something you'll have to deal with. Using your need to have them around over their need for quality contact with their father isn't putting the kids first. In time you'll get used it and start value your 'child free' time even if you just use it to go to work, or go shopping in peace.

Yes, it's very likely he doesn't want to have the kids 50/50 - as that'll really stifle his new love nest, and it's clear he has tunnel vision and it's all he can see right now. But emphasising to him that's what you're expecting of him is a card you need to play right now. It'll hopefully make him wake up to his responsibilities to his children before he's set up his cosy new life without them, and before he, they, and you, have got used to him being a drop in dad at your place. It means that when he's looking for his new accommodation he should take into consideration that he'll need space to house the kids in comfort. Tell him you need that so that you have chance to still work and support the children.

Go on a benefits calculator website: www.entitledto.co.uk and it takes two minutes to get an accurate calculation of what benefits you can claim.