Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

Gentleman?

hmmm how about having an affair and then moving straight in with the OW and expecting OP to just carry on as if they are friends? Or do you think that’s the way you should treat your wife and mother of your children?

Happy to help:

I have found out that he has indeed moved in with the other woman and the affair has been going on since last year

Are you serious? Is it fun coming onto a thread and taunting someone in pain?

So sorry for what you are going through. I went through the same a few years ago and you will go through the grief cycle. Shock, anger, denial, sadness and acceptance. They are not in order and often you won't know what phase you are in. It's so sad you have no one in real life to talk with. I would maybe speak to your gp about counselling or talking therapy or relate who specialise in break up therapy. I was lucky in a way that I had a very close friend who went through similar a few months before me. We became very close.
Sort out the practical things and get him to agree a maintenance amount . If he doesn't start the csa process now as it took my friend nearly 2 years to sort it out with her ex. My advice is to feel what you are going through. I used to "schedule" time to cry in the bath so my family couldn't see me being upset. I used distraction as a way to get over the relationship and worked my way through it too as much as I could with having 3 kids.
You'll get through it op. It's tough but you can do it. Men can be assholes. It's not fair how we are left to be the primary carer by default. Not that I'd have it any other way but it just shows you how society hasn't changed and woman still have less rights than men. Happy to be your online friend if you need support. Take care x

I have found out that he has indeed moved in with the other woman and the affair has been going on since last year, so I imagine the anger will arrive shortly!

Sorry you are going through this. He's such a cliche. No wonder he's on about coming to yours to see the kids. It would disrupt his new set up if he had to have bedrooms for the kids at his girlfriend's place.

He sounds like he has played the whole 'I'm depressed' to get out of doing stuff that he doesn't want to do. Now he's getting some action with his new woman (and he gets out of all the boring stuff that goes with having kids) his depression has suddenly disappeared 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wonder if this other woman already has her own kids?

OP, your anxieties are very normal - this man has turned out to be someone whose character you don't recognise, and you have no power - he is still calling all the shots - he has moved out, he has decided he will see the kids in your home.

Hard as it is, (and it is devastatingly, unbearably hard) you really cannot having him in and out of your home on a regular basis. You cannot be expected to deal with the emotional torture of that; he cannot expect to come “home” and play daddy. He has thrown a bomb into his family life, but the quicker you deal with the blast damage and get to a new normal, the better.

And new normal doesn’t mean Disney dad - weekends should be normal - he takes them to kids parties and play dates, to the dental appointment you’ve booked (and he pays - unless miraculously you have an NHS Dentist), to buy new school shoes for next term. Make sure doesn’t get to spend his time shagging his OW and behaving like a romantic hero, with a few hours carved out here or there to read the kids a bedtime story and think he’s discharged his duty as a dad.

His OW needs to know he has responsibilities for his children, both practical and financial. And that means, he needs to make accommodations in his new life. He doesn’t get to restart with a blank slate.

You can tell the kids what has happened, that daddy has gone to live with another lady but he still loves them very much and wants to see them lots. They will be confused and hurt, they will grieve and may sometimes blame you, but you are the one who will be there to make this alright. You can get them through this.

He's making the classic mistake. I guarantee it will not work with the other woman and he will make an attempt at crawling back.

In the meantime focus on building a new life with you and the children. Get practical advice on benefits (try universal credit calculators) and arrange for him to make child support payments.

Do not make this easy for him and allow him to float in and out of the family home as he likes. He CHOSE to leave. It's your home now. Set firm contact arrangements to suit you. Allowing him to float in and out let's him have his cake and eat it.

Focus on you and the children and take one day at a time 💐

@Bianca7777777

What exactly makes this guy more of a bastard than the women who leave their husbands?
The fact that instead of leaving the house and kids they kick their husband out the house and don’t let him see the kids(at least half the time)?
If anything that’s much worse.

I haven’t kicked him out, or controlled his contact with his kids at all. He’s built a total double life and then told me when it’s 100% sorted and left me with all the financial fallout, and to tell everyone and deal with our kids, and loads of other crap, while he walks into a nice new life with no hassle and no kids around getting in his way unless he wants it. He’s entitled to leave but actually this is not caused by me, I’ve worked very hard at our marriage, this guy has been a bastard because he has behaved incredibly poorly towards his family. Not really sure why you’ve come here and decided I’m totally at fault, I started this thread to try and get some sort of support dealing with the shock of his betrayal. I’ve said nothing to suggest all men who leave are bastards, or even that he shouldn’t have left actually, but handling it this way would make any person, man or woman, a bastard.

Again, haven’t kicked him out or gone against his wishes…

@Lostmorris I don’t think the poster was saying you were a bastard at all. I think they were pointing out that on this site when women do choose to kick the husband out they are supported here - and would never be called bastards. Whereas when a man does something equally shitty they can see it is shitty whereas when it’s a woman they are blind to it and incredibly biased.

Well said @Lostmorris - that posters comment was completely out of order, and uncalled for on your thread. Maybe it's a good thing as it has helped you to find your anger. He is a complete bastard walking out on the family he helped create, utterly selfish and self-centred. I wish women in this situation could just say, "well take the kids with you then, I didn't sign up to be a single parent." But most women love their kids too much to do that, and are not so blindly selfish.

Lost Morris...how are you doing now? Is there hope?