Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

I'm so sorry you are in this position I've walked that road and it has taken a long time for me to be ok.

You need to grieve. For the man you thought he was. The relationship and the future you thought you had. Get support around you. There are some low cost counselling services in most areas to give you a safe place to off load

Practical stuff claim benefits. Make the call today they will cover rent. And Child care costs (up to 85%)
CMS calculators. Tell him what he needs to pay as a minimum. Don't be held to his promises of paying x. Get it done now and you can work with your budget. This is what you have to pay and this is what I expect in my account in the 1st of each month.

Go through the bank account. Stop and cancel anything that can be stopped. Tell him he needs to insure tax and pay for his car, phone, gym membership etc. Whatever is his bill.

Get bills in your name now

Contact with the kids. This bit sucks big time. But be firm now. He doesn't get to swan into the house and be Disney dad in your home. If he does the school run they are ready at x time for him to take. Contact is every other weekend Friday after school until Sunday tea time. And that is not at your house. He doesn't get to skip off to live his new life without being responsible for the children. And ge doesn't get to be performance dad in front of you whilst you are breaking inside. That is a shit thing to do to you.

Start packing up his things and store in one place some where. Move things around. New bedding. Bit of paint if you have the energy. Make home look different.

Firm boundaries are needed now. He isn't your friend. Friends don't behave like this. Keep contact business like. Don't respond to anything quickly or with emotion. Take your time to think about replying.

He has made his decision. So now has to live by it. You no long have to accommodate any of his wants and needs. You and the children are your only priority.

The children will quickly adapted. My youngest. Who was 5 at the times. Doesn't remember a time when dad lived with us.

Be kind to yourself. It's a long a bumpy road.

What a horrible situation to be in. Take one step at a time. You will be fine in the end, but it does take time

Check out benefit entitlement, housing benefit etc

Your children need you to be strong and capable. Reassure them that your DH still loves them and you will both prioritise their best interests

Ok I was where u are 6 years ish ago.

1. he isn’t your friend anymore


2. apply today for universal credit you are separated also council tax etc


3. put in cms claim so it’s logged with them. Even if he says I’ll pay we don’t have to involve them. Trust me.


4. do not rely on him for anything childcare etc. you can do this


5. they are full of promises when they just walk out. It will not last


6. yes there is obviously another woman


7. get rid of unnecessary subscriptions tv anything to do with him.


8. all belongings removed asap

he may well not want all his belongings hmm well that may he wants to keep options open iyswim. He may say I’ve got nowhere to sort my stuff- not your problem. Doing all that coming in to see them before bed etc don’t let him it will upset the kids - I know this from experience. It makes the process longer and painful for the children. Also for you. Only text or email (get everything in writing! Save to a designated email folder.)
At the moment he will be playing nice, but I bet he has told friends family over a period of time things haven’t been right so when he ups and goes ! Surprise it isn’t a shock to them.
You will get through this!

Well he’s a charmer isn’t he? Having an affair, says he’s off, he’ll cherry-pick the bits of parenting he does but you can still talk to him as you’ll remain friends. I’d have wanted to punch his lights out at that comment.
See a solicitor, try to get a free appointment. Write down all the questions you want to ask and don’t think you have to sign with them straight away. Say you’ll have to think it over. The priority is an order for money from him—50% of rent ( all bills if possible) plus child support.
Make a claim for UC.
Sorry, you’ll need an STI check.
You’re in shock now, the anger will come. Start telling him how YOU want things to be, when and where he’ll see the children, school runs he’ll do etc… He’s doesn’t get to choose everything.
You will survive this, you’ll come out of it stronger. 💐

Did not having friends come out of ex isolating you, being unhappy when you went out, criticising your choice of friends and activities?

He has had weeks or months to plan this and you are in shock and trying to catch up. There is lots of good advice on this thread. When it happened to me the most important thing was to remember that he was no longer my friend. It is hard but the sooner you shift in your head from loving husband to no good lying scumbag the better. Get and STI test as soon as possible.

You are grieving and not just the marriage and man you thought you had but your the future you thought you would have for you and your children. Grief is brutal so take care of yourself and let others do the same.

There is life on the other side of betrayal but it takes time to get there.

This is why women should never drop their friends once they get a married. I get family life takes priority but lots of women completely isolate themselves from everyone and dedicate their entire lives to a man that one day walks out on them. You need friends at times like this. I'm not saying you've dropped your friends, they may have dropped you, but humans need friendships other than just their sexual partners. It will obviously be a rocky road ahead but eventually you'll be in a better place. This feeling of despair is only temporary, and you may even one day wake up to what was actually wrong with the relationship, as clearly something is wrong somewhere for him to want to just up and leave his family, but right now you're in denial because your whole world is being turned upside down. Women are strong, you'll get through this and kids are resilient.

You'll get help with childcare once he's moved his ass out

Yes, the STI test. Not a nice thing to have to do but you won't be the first woman they see in your situation and you won't be the last.

I just wanted to say though, there have been a lot of scary stories about ex's not paying what they should but my experience wasn't like that and my ex gave me (and still gives me) well over what CMS would have said he did, because it was the right thing to do and because he is a decent father (just not husband).

I'm so sorry op, first thing is self care, you sound lovely and did not deserve this, he's a bastard.

Right, he needs to grow up and you need to wise up.

Get in touch with CAB or Women's Aid. His bluntly cutting you off like this shows to me he was never a fair partner. Not remotely covering anything up just stating the facts, he's going and this is how it's going to be.

No wrong !

You are now in control and should go ahead and treat him as though he is a stranger. He cannot treat your home as his convinient drop in centre for his children. No, he's an adult and he has chosen a new partner, he needs to fuck off and create time and earn money to support those children that he has so easily discarded.

Finances need sorting, his time with his children away from your home needs sorting, you need your own space without him dropping by, you will soon make new friends and need to be in charge of your own home.

He is still trying to control you even after splitting, you must not let him do that.

It's your turn to take control now.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

The only advice I would give is to not let him drop in and out. I did this for almost a year and to me I thought we were working on things.

In reality, it gives you a false sense of family, commitment and loyalty that in reality, he no longer has to you.

It really messed with my head and he got to do all the fun bits and use me for my hospitality whilst taking on absolutely no responsibility.

I found out about new woman in April and immediately stopped him coming to the house and filed for divorce.

As hard as it has been, I feel like I am starting to heal and accept that the life I thought I would have is over.

I genuinely believe he thought he would continue to have his wife and family on tap and a girlfriend and secret life elsewhere.

Do not let him have it. It will only hurt you. As others have said, he is not your friend.

Best of luck OP. You will be ok, as will your kids.

It is normal to feel the shock, especially if you didn't see it coming, but soon you need to get organised. I would start by putting in a CMS claim so that you know for sure how much he is going to be contributing towards the children. If he then decides to go for 50/50 custody, that will change, but for the moment, the children are with you and they need feeding.

Next start looking at accommodation in your area in case you need to move. He might contribute towards the rent while you are still under contract, but when does that end? Unless he's earning a lot, you have to assume that by the time he's paid his rent and CMS, he's not likely to cover any other costs.

With regards to seeing the children, I would ask him to take them to his new flat at weekends or whenever you agree. You need your space to think and get ready for the next step.

Those saying I shouldn’t let him come visit the kids at home and put them to bed etc like he normally does… is it not helpful for the kids? I worry that clean break of daddy’s gone now, you will only see him 2/3 times a week will be worse for them than ‘daddy has moved out but he’s still here for you and your routines stay the same.’

Not trying to disagree with anyone at all, just trying to work out from others experience what the best way to handle things for them is likely to be? I think cos there’s been no clues anything’s wrong if we just say he’s moving out and won’t see them here anymore that theyl feel worse. Whereas if we say mummy and daddy aren’t together, daddy’s moving out, but youl still see him xyz as normal, maybe some normality is better? He works weekends and some evenings so his quality time is after school, and then he does school runs because I start earlier.

Its such a depressing responsibility trying to work out how to handle this with the kids. They’re probably going to be damaged forever aren’t they?

I would love for a woman put in this position to tell her scummy ex that she can't afford to keep the children, he must. And she'll play Disney mum. Even if it wasn't followed through with.

He is not expecting responsibility or hardship out of this, he is foisting all of the emotional mess, money stress, childcare and challenges on to you. He will move on with additional cash flow, new woman, new home, more free time. You will literally have the opposite. Get angry.

That's why it is important he has a place to take them to for few nights a week. The new routine will replace the old one.
You will also need a break.

Op your children won’t be damaged forever. But you might be, if you don’t stand up for yourself and how much you have to tolerate from him.

No theyre not going to be damaged forever but the sooner you ge tinto a new routine the better-one day he wont be there for bedtime so what the difference-just explain daddy doesnt live here but they'll still see him

he cant swan in and out as he pleases to suit him and it is to suit him not the kids

@Sunshine10012

being a parent isn’t optional but being in a relationship with your kids other parent is

No op, they are not going to be damaged forever because you are a great mum. Yes they will be upset and need a period of adjustment and that will be horrible for you to watch as it's not your fault but you are the one who will be there to dry their tears and hug them and reassure them that it will be ok.

You will be hurting and angry and so you should be, but if you can, try and do this when they are not around. I used to cry myself to sleep most night when the dc were in bed and when they went to their dad's house I would cry some more and call/see friends or my counsellor and cry some more. My dc needed to look at me and know everything would be ok.

Your ex needs to be there with them when you tell them though. I told my ex that HE did this and there was no way I was taking on the task of telling them their world was about to change on my own. He came round, we told them, we all cried, they asked questions, we answered as best we could and then I picked up the pieces when he left.

They started contact with him straight away (at his mum's house first then he got a rental fairly quickly) and I was very strict with it (no having them extra to facilitate his social life with the OW) and the dc adjusted well.

It's not what I would have chosen for my dc...it's not what many would choose, but it happens and they will know plenty of other dc with separated parents.

@Lostmorris

in time Op you might find shared contact a good thing

Whilst the kids at their dads, it will give you time for you. You time! To do hobbies, or socialise with friends , or who knows maybe even get to know a lovely new man

lots of women I know say that actually shared contact works really well for them , they get to not just be mummy and do things for themselves. It’s good!

essentially what he is saying at the moment is that he wants the best of both worlds. he wants to play happy families with the kids on his terms - enough to feel involved and be super dad but not enough to actually shoulder any of the burden of looking after children. He wants to keep you as a friend - really! does any one else treat their friends in such a shitty way? what he means is he doesnt want to burn his bridges. if it all goes tits up with the new woman then he can be all sorry, come back to you and start looking for someone else again whilst you cook clean and generally do all the stuff you have been doing. He wants to do both of these things whilst living a more carefree life with new and exciting sex. and if the new woman doesnt work out and the sex gets vanilla, well he has kept you on the back burner so its a win / win for him. Honestly, dont let this happen. dont fall for his bullshit. thats it. hes gone. work out what works best for you and the children and do that (whatever that is, it will be different for everyone) make him take his share of overnights so that you can start some new hobbies, meet some new people and carve out a new life for yourself. dont get stuck in the drudge cycle of being on hold until he dumps the woman and comes back.

I'm so sorry your going through this. As previously said he has planned this, had time to decide what he wants. It is a total shock to you.
Absolutely do not let him dictate what happens in your home, he is not your friend. The children will be upset of course, but they will still have stability from you. They will pick up new routines quickly, young children are very quick to adapt.
You need space to carve out your new role as a single parent, in your own home. That has to be your safe space, so please do not let him dictate how things will be. Apply for UC today, if as you say you are low earning, no savings etc. You should get help with your rent and childcare expenses.
Be gentle on yourself, take time to grieve the relationship and then find your anger.
Make a list of practical steps and try and tick of a few a day. Start shared childcare straight away, pretty sure he want want sleepovers if he finds home chaos! Let hom cope with the reality of really parenting, but not in your home.
Use that time to plan, cry, de clutter. Anything that can be a start to moving forward.
Lots of very good advice has been given on here and lots of virtual shoulders to cry on, discuss your day, etc x

No your children won't be damaged. Many people come from separated families. What has to happen now is the important part consistency and routine. He can't just drop in and out as he sees fit. The children will feel anxious etc. His contact needs to be set. You will see daddy in x day at a time. They will adjust and settle if he steps up for them. Routine and predictability is key now. To raise confident children

Sadly many don't. And just think it's ok to be flaky. It isn't. This is where our children learn about poor relationships because we love our parents no matter how inconsistent they are and this goes forward into our adult relationships and friendships. Your priority is to make your home a safe place for you and the kids. It is predictable and consistent.

You need space to heal and he needs to respect that coming into the house and playing Disney dad is going to be a knife through your heart each time. Do not do this to yourself or the children.

If you do that, the dcs will end up even more confused.

How can they accept that that you are not together anymore, that daddy isn’t always at home etc… if at the same time, they see daddy at home all the time?
Theyll just long for something that doesn’t exists anymore. Why would let them hope that things will back to normal soon to then have their dreams squashed again and again??

Plus it’s not good for YOU either and that’s pretty important for their well-being too.

They’re probably going to be damaged forever aren’t they?

There are so, so many happy, incredibly successful people that were raised by single mums, I've started thinking it's an advantage. Stephen King, Harry Styles, Keanu, even Barack Obama.

full list here