Husband leaving me, struggling with the shock

[Lostmorris]

Lost rambling feelings dump sorry. Name changed as he knows I use this site. My DH announced his leaving, we don’t have that ‘spark’ anymore and he doesn’t want to be here. We have 2 young kids, he’s my best friend and my only friend, I don’t have any close family. I’ve literally nobody to talk to other than him, my work colleagues are fairly new and the school parents are friendly but we just aren’t close.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, I’m so lost. Obviously he’s been having an affair, but isn’t leaving me for her (yeah I no they'll be together before I no it). But we don’t argue, we have fun together, we have a happy house and plenty of conversation. So I can’t even console myself that separating is better for the kids because they are totally happy here, we aren’t getting rid of a crap grumpy dad. My heart breaks when I think about telling them, their whole worlds will be ruined.

Practically we rent and have no savings, just a normal amount of debt. No money in the bank to withdraw or anything.

I just don’t no what to do with myself, what to do first to plan. It’s like grief, horrible waves of shock. But he isn’t dead he just doesn’t want me so I need to snap out of it and start working out how to get us through this situation. I don’t get how he can walk away without fighting for us and our family first, how can he do that to our kids? I’m so shocked that I don’t feel angry, couldn’t care less about the affair, I just feel so sad that he doesn’t love me, and I have no one to just go to the shops with, talk to about my day, tag in stupid memes, cook with. And how can his brain be ok with just being a part time dad now? Just visiting them, not doing bed times or asking how there day is every day, I just wouldn’t be able to step back from them like that.

If anyones managed to read all my self pittying drivel here please tell me how do I snap out of it? I need to be mad and start preparing for live just me and the kids. But I’m stuck in uncontrollable crying and wishing it would go away instead.

Edit..@Lostmorris Re living alone...You will be OK. I hadn't lived alone either, but it got so that I liked it.
Plus, you have your children.

Re the crying...Ohhh yes, I remember that very well.
Visited parents on the train, 110 miles away, Dad saw me and DS off on the platform, and said ''Chin up, Love''..and waited til the train pulled out of the station.
I just broke down uncontrollably, It was horrible,}in fact, all these years later, It makes me cry now, remembering.
It is very natural to cry a lot. The hurt and disbelief, the shock.

so he has to tell the kids and he has to find somewhere child-friendly to live and he has to have those kids at least one sleepover and EOW

Can he be forced to do that?

The OW has just shacked up with a man who has just walked away from his wife and three kids - what a catch she has landed <slow clap>.

I agree with those who say he doesn’t just get to pop in and out of the kids lives when he feels like it. It’s your home now, he is welcome when YOU invite him. Soon enough he’ll not be arriving when he says he will (I suspect OW will get fed up with him coming and going between two houses) and you’ll be left with the angry, upset children.

I would say that you want him to have access to the children 50:50 (if that is what you want) but it cannot be in YOUR home. He will need to take the children out etc. I know this sounds like you are punishing him but really it’s trying to make a clear break for the children, time with Dad, time with you, not this hybrid family nonsense where they aren’t sure if Dad has really gone or not and if maybe he’ll come back at any moment. They are already going to be angry and confused - I can’t see how this is going to be better for them.

I’m really sorry you are going through this OP - his betrayal is bad enough but his behaviour now is appalling. He is the actual definition someone who wants to have their cake and eat it.

I'm not an expert, but I get the impression that generally the blokes that do harm to their families tend to be the ones whose wives have left them, rather than the ones who have fucked off with another woman. I think it's an "if I can't have them, nobody can" type thing, the lashing out of a wounded ego, and that doesn't apply here. It's natural for you to be generally anxious at the moment though, as you've just had a whole heap of uncertainty dumped in your lap, so hopefully you can access some counselling to help you deal with it all.

Just read whole thread and goodness I really feel for you op! What a prize bastard he is. How fucking dare he swan in and cherry pick the bits of parenting he likes as if he is a big hero. Given what has happened, you are being far too amenable op!

I know you say you are not ready to share 50/50 but it doesn't have to be those percentages but he should have to host the DC at his place. Sorry but he is a father and he will have to put up with the DC disrupting his little love nest!

It's hard but you need to look to the future, especially when you get your own place, you won't want him swanning in disrupting your privacy. And you need to think about a time when you will want to go out and make friends and you may need a break from parenting singlehandedly and you may even meet someone else. I know it's hard to contemplate now but start as you mean to go on. Be strong op. Please protect yourself.

This is awful of him Op. Please keep posting for support MN can be so good for that in these kind of situations anyway ❤️

Tempting to say you’ve decided it’s best you move out instead so he’ll need figure out how to organise everything with the kids (I know you can’t) he’s a POS though so tempting to give him a glimpse of unexpected alternative to the nice comfortable future he has planned for himself.

I’ve heard chumplady is a good resource, they’ve got a private online Facebook/Reddit page as well with thousands of women who’ll 100% get what you’re going through and will be a good support source for you moving forward.

I agree with @dunBle. It was certainly what happened in my case.
I finished with my husband and everything was fine or so I thought (as in we stayed 'friends' and co-parented) until he found out I was seeing someone 18mths later.
What I didn't know was that he still had a hope we'd get back together (and us splitting was just to punish him).

My ex husband went all out psycho, stalked me, put a tracker in my car,came in to my house and stole stuff, messaged and rung constantly, drove past my house constantly, slashed the tyre on the vehicle of the guy I was with.
I was too scared to walk my dogs across fields incase he was waiting to kill me so walked along roads where there were cars, couldn't go anywhere without carrying a knife so I could defend myself. It was the scariest time of my life.

We have a DD together but she was a teenager when this happened, she had no contact with him for over 6 months while he attempted suicide and engaged with mental health crisis team.

Please don't worry, the men who go off the rails generally have been dumped and have shit lives so they want to punish their ex.

This. He isn’t your friend. He just feels guilty for the decisions he’s making. Let him make his bed and lay in it.
You and the children need structure, not their dad popping in and out whenever he feels like it.
this ‘plan’ wouldn’t last anyway. No other woman would accept that either. She and him need structure as much as you and the children do.

I’ve been there op, and it’s bloody tough. Only now, or from about 7/8 years post split, could I say that my ex husband and I are actually friends. And that’s mostly because I keep the peace, and hold this ‘family’ together. Thinking of you. And vent here anytime you need. 😘

Just wanted to offer moral support. It is sometimes tough being on your own but in the main much, much easier than being with a prize b. as some have said.

I know you are grieving right now, but please try to be gentle with yourself.

One thing I would say is you will need to draw your boundaries. You don't want him dropping in every two seconds as and when it suits him.

Also the first time you have money available - or put it on a credit card you need to change the locks so that he can't do that.

You will be needing to start a new life and you need to stop him interfering with it.

Kick him out!
he’s having an affair ffs.
you say you’re not angry - but I think you need to get angry.
and go easy on yourself . Not him

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution

you also get childcare costs with universal credit so it's worth looking at

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/sorting-out-money/dividing-up-money-and-belongings-when-you-separate

Some useful links above.

A combination of anger and grey rocking (helped by him disappearing to another country with a woman for 6 months) got me through the first little while - there were a lot of tears when I was alone, and I did weaken and have a go at him over phone/email once or twice, but as a rule, I've left him to do all the running (which obviously he doesn't) and it's much less stressful.

18 months on and I don't think of him much at all now, vs 6 months in when I was still having trouble stopping cycling angrily about him whenever I tried to go to sleep or had a quiet moment.

It does get better.

Three things:

See a solicitor for advice. Take control of the proceedings. Can pretty much guarantee he won’t despite having dropped the bombshell that he’s leaving. Initiate a divorce quickly and cleanly.

Your home must be your safe space. Protect that with your life.

Hard though it is, keep calm in his presence. Don’t tell him your plans. Say very little and remain very cool. Vent elsewhere (here!). This is really hard to do when you want to explode at him but it will confuse him which is good. Let him be confused and worried about his future.

He’s a fuckwit. You will get through it. Take control though because it will help you see that you do have power and can make decisions that don’t involve him.

💐 for you.

you need to get angry. I know you want children with you but I think I'd be ringing him to get him over as you need to go away. he is not a good dad. he has walked away. leaving you to worry about all the practicalities. do you know where he is living?

Yes. A friend of mine left her bullying controlling husband. The children didn't want to see their father but the courts ruled he should have rights. He killed the children and himself. You'll know of her, she's often in the news. This is an entirely different dynamic though.

I'm so sorry

NO one can make a new claim for Tax credit or housing benefit now( unless they are a pensioner for the housing benefit).
Op would need to make an application for Universal credit as soon as he moves out and child maintenance which will not affect the Universal Credit.

He doesn’t get to plan parenting in YOUR home. Get him out, or you won’t be able to begin to recover.

I’m so sorry OP,
you must be in such shock

Separations are awful especially since people invest so much into another person.
Contact your council immediately and class yourself as homeless and contact dwp and tell them your situation.
If you're in a joint back account transfer all the funds out now. For the final divorce which can take a long time he will have to pay you maintenance.
Tbh it will be difficult for you in the coming months but I suggest before September put names down for new schools where you will be housed.
I'm so sorry.

Oh sorry, yes, when I said I let him do all the running, I mean about things that don't directly affect me - I have instigated the financial separation (which actually was very satisfying when he called me incensed because his (or rather my) credit card was declined when trying to get UberEats delivered to his hotel), got a solicitor to split the property, and carefully avoided getting any visitation set in stone (his solicitor had him asking for all sorts of ridiculous stuff we both knew he would never actually do - the kids didn't even notice he'd gone, that's how little attention he paid to them!). My ex just wanted everything to pootle on as before, but with him being able to swan back and forth as he felt like, getting income from our rental property which I managed etc. Fuck that.

Don't wait for him to do that - full steam ahead getting all the practical stuff sorted, don't solve issues for him, he is not your problem any more. 'What do you suggest' then sitting silently on calls has served me well here when he started complaining about this, that, or the other that suited me just fine as it was.

I’m 6 months down the line from you, no affair but terrible unreasonable behaviour on his part. I kicked him out and he’s staying with his mum in her lovely home.

I allowed the whole him coming here setup so the kids could see him more. He started making comment on things he was observing around my home, for example questioning why I’m still on the pill and telling everyone I’m seeing someone (I kept taking it as I suffer horrendous hormonal mouth ulcers and it stops them). He was making little digs at me, hanging around at dinner time guilting me into feeding him….the list goes on.

I realised me facilitating the kids seeing him was me bending over backwards to facilitate this knob maintaining a relationship to both mine and their detriment. They agree he’s a dick and since I stopped laying down and letting him parade around the house like lord of the manor, they barely see him.

Set your boundaries, keep him out your space, you need a safe haven away from him. Also you’ll realise the less time you spend with him the easier it is to heal and move on. Think about yourself here, not him. Your kids will be absolutely fine as long as you remain constant and stable and give them a predictable routine. He does not need to step foot in your home for that.

Work on building yourself up, every day, look after your body and mind, do something each day that builds your strength and confidence. You can do it!!

I think your anxiety is a direct result of the shock you've had. Please don't let unnecessary worries wreck your head when you already have so much on your plate.
I think it's a good idea to let your ex do what he typically did eg school runs, after school etc.

Things will change again and again over the years and putting the kids' needs first will be a good rule of thumb. I know others will disagree and say the mother's needs should be put first but I've noticed in my work that when the kids are put first they are less likely to be damaged.