Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Messed up big time

164 replies

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:37

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 05/07/2022 03:43

End this relationship.

What your boyfriend is saying is that he feels you are his property, an extension of his personality, and that you do not have an existence that is separate from his idea of who you are.

Huge red flags here.

Text him to tell him it's over and then block him.

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:56

Thank you

I know it's sensible to end it because he said it feels tainted as I booked a hotel room to see this person after we had been on a few dates

It was actually cheaper than getting a cab home but one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together but it didn't really work out

He has spent the evening telling me what a womaniser he is and recorded him talking about women to show me

I had no issues about what happened with his friend last year but he is making me feel so anxious I can't sleep

OP posts:
Greenberg · 05/07/2022 04:04

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:56

Thank you

I know it's sensible to end it because he said it feels tainted as I booked a hotel room to see this person after we had been on a few dates

It was actually cheaper than getting a cab home but one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together but it didn't really work out

He has spent the evening telling me what a womaniser he is and recorded him talking about women to show me

I had no issues about what happened with his friend last year but he is making me feel so anxious I can't sleep

If he was a decent kind of man he'd be upset and angry with the other guy on your behalf, not with you.

He sounds like one of those tossers who thinks women shouldn't have had sex before they met them. I've yet to meet a woman who thinks this way but there's a fair few men.

Also sulkers just make terrible partners. Throw this one back, you can do so much better.

unname · 05/07/2022 04:08

He’s upset that you were breathing before he met you. Please get far away from him.

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 04:21

He keeps hinting that we might break up and that he has to see how out goes it's all he can do
He has been weirdly distant for a couple of days about

All this fuss about something that happened last year that I can barely remember

The stress of it is literally giving me a panic attack because I feel so anxious

OP posts:
Oilyoilyoilgob · 05/07/2022 04:46

Please just leave today and don’t go back-dump him. You’re not his property and you’re entitled to any type of life before him.

This is a slippery slope if you stay with him, your body is telling you something is wrong. Guarantee he’ll end up mentally abusing you if you stay with him. Good luck, bin him off and do better for yourself than him!

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 05:12

I know he is punishing me because of something I have had no control over

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 05/07/2022 05:22

Life is too short for all his shit. Dump him, block him and move on. He's a controling arse. You don't need this in you life.

Nugg · 05/07/2022 05:27

Wow narcissistic knobhead. Run run run!!

My narc ex berated me for every relationship before him. Was exactly how you describe. We were 50 when we met, the fucking idiot I was hardly going to be a virgin unless I had 3 immaculate conceptions🙄

Sunbird24 · 05/07/2022 05:29

Hell no OP, this is a slippery slope! Is this what you want in a relationship? Don’t allow yourself to be treated like this, it will only get worse from here.

Weatherwax13 · 05/07/2022 05:33

He's caused you to have a panic attack. Get rid of him.

Oestrogelsmuggler · 05/07/2022 05:37

You need to dump him. He's playing games.
Then you need to reflect on your own requirements for a healthy relationship, and make sure the next guy can live up to them.

mathanxiety · 05/07/2022 05:41

He keeps hinting that we might break up and that he has to see how out goes it's all he can do
He has been weirdly distant for a couple of days about

All this fuss about something that happened last year that I can barely remember

The stress of it is literally giving me a panic attack because I feel so anxious

You are dealing with narcissism - he checks all the boxes.

This not a huge fuss over something that happened last year.
As a PP said, if you breathed before you met him he would create a problem over it. If you had a cat when you were a child he would find a way to kick up about it. If your favourite colour was yellow he would find a way to make you feel that was stupid. If you liked ballet flats he would scoff. Are you seeing a pattern?

What he is doing is testing you to see how much bullshit from him you are willing to put up with, and to see if he can get you hooked into his game. His game is to create a massive fuss over something minor, to make you feel you have done something really wrong, messed up spectacularly, so you are on the wrong foot and find yourself trying to explain normal everyday life to someone who can't seem to understand any of it. You are even trying to explain it all to people here. He has really got under your skin.

He loves seeing you working hard to please him, turning yourself inside out with worry and anxiety that you have displeased him, fearing that he might break up with you unless you get everything right. He has somehow convinced you that he is too good for you.

In this relationship the only feeling he seeks is a feeling of power over you. He has no actual feelings for you. The relationship isn't important for him as a source of love, affection, or anything else that's normal.

He is getting a huge rush from seeing you anxious, confused, and upset.

This is what you have to look forward to forever if you stay in this relationship.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/07/2022 05:57

Easiest way to change things is for you to dump him now.

Tohaveandtohold · 05/07/2022 06:06

You have to dump him, he will keep using it against you now that he can see you’re having panic attacks about it. The things you did before you met him is none of his business. As you said, his friend is a womaniser so maybe he has a reputation among them about the women he sleeps with or maybe he’s told him another version of events.
Either way, this is not on you and you shouldn’t be feeling this way and having panic attacks because of a relationship. Please, do yourself a favour and dump him asap

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 07:27

Well he is being dramatic when he says friends they grew up in the same area and ended up working in the same field and have recently bumped into each other

I am just fed up with having to justify having casual sex with someone

I fucking hate misogynistic men who have double standards

I do feel sick and stressed by the whole thing but I can't tell if I am unreasonable thinking it really isn't a massive deal

Not worth the sulking and telling me how sad he is

Thank you for all the advice it's all true

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/07/2022 07:35

So are you the first person that your boyfriend has slept with?

It's a very quick test - if someone makes you so anxious you can't sleep and blames you for something that you can't help, leave them.

Pollydonia · 05/07/2022 07:41

My ex pulled shit like this ~ he once stopped talking to me for a week because my cousin and I were laughing about the huge crush I had on a celebrity as a teenager.
I tied myself up in knots trying to " explain ".
His control and bat shittedness only grew . He became violent and I fled about 18 months later.
Dont be like me, end this now, it only ever gets worse.

girlmom21 · 05/07/2022 07:48

He's a right nasty bastard isn't he. He recorded himself talking about women? I presume you mean in a disrespectful way. That's a bit psychopathic.

Dump and run.

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 07:55

@girlmom21 he recorded his friend talking about women to prove to me that he uses women

I think my current partner as the hump because I chose to book a hotel room and have sex with him after the third date

The man from last year was pretty chilled and respectful

It was definitely my decision to sleep with him which I am being punished for

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 05/07/2022 08:03

Was you even dating your current boyfriend at the time you had this thing going on with the other guy?

I could understand his jealousy if you was and you basically cheated on him, but if you wasn't then wtf has it got to do with him.

Regardless, the way he's handling the situation tells you a lot about him.

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 08:05

@DatingDinosaur not at all it was about a year before I met him 😢

OP posts:
GustavsGonad · 05/07/2022 08:19

Sorry this has happened to you OP. He sounds like a huge toddler having a tantrum that someone else has played with his toy (I.e. you).. Are you his toy?

What are you going to do about it?

Beamur · 05/07/2022 08:22

Bin him off.
He's shown himself to be a coercive bully. None of his business whatsoever who you slept with or where before you were dating. Seriously, this behaviour is only going to continue and he will make you miserable.

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 09:36

I want to be strong and leave him

OP posts: