Messed up big time

[cantsleep2022]

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

@AnotherAnxiousMess

Thank you for the support

I know it will get easier I just have to remind myself it's a lucky escape

@HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket

Actually you are entirely right I am going to book myself an adventure

Do it! The rest of your life is open to you, without that ball of anxiety hanging over you :)

@HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket

Yes it's true

A trip to New York awaits

Gonna confirm the AL and cat sitter tomorrow and book

It's hard I miss him even though he is a twat

I shall stay strong though

It might be useful to recognise that you would never have been with him if he didn't have aspects you found attractive and appealing, so there's nothing strange or odd in the fact that you miss him.

It's just good that you've identified that in a more overall sense, he's not good for you.

WTAF?? Who the hell does he think he is to decide who you saw before you knew him and whether he’ll de ide to end the relationship or not?
So many red flags waving. Walk away now. He will hold this over you in any future arguments, however minor.
And recording a friend? He is truly a piece of work.

I had one of these op. Astonishingly similar even down to the language like "tainted" (he also called me "soiled") and rummaging around my house while I was out for more ammunition to gaslight me with (in my cases old photos in files on my laptop).

I was so controlled. I gave up my job, house, financial independence, I didn't go to my best friends house for a year, he told me he didn't respect my lovely mum. I moved to another country to be with him. I would lie to cover up his behaviour towards me because I was embarrassed. Despite all the above red flags I stayed with him for 18months. I can't explain it. However if I'd been on mumsnet at the time I bet you'd have all made me see the light!

So happy for you OP well done for ditching the controlling, insecure, gaslighting misogynistic fucker.

I have to write this to remind myself not to go back

My issues

Let's me pay more than is fair

Always mentioned how many women fancied him

Kept mentioning small character flaws I have

Sulked a lot when I went away

Told me I was going away too long when I was going for an elderly relatives birthday

Made a huge fuss about me going away with work despite that fact that they travel

Over reacted when he found out I dated someone he knew to extent I was as too nervous to be honest about what happened and ended up with the other man telling him a fair account to which he started filming him talking about all the women he was shagging to show me and did it twice

Engaged again with this man later on and got more details

Would blow hot and cold before we broke up saying he couldn't deal with someone he knew dating his girlfriend

Became quite unpleasant when distant

Angry cos I booked a hotel room

Went through old photos and made a fuss when he found one of me and a celebrity from the 90s

Becomes so moody he cannot speak and snaps at me

Well done OP. Come back to that list whenever you need to. Remember, if you take him back this time you'll just end up having to go through this whole thing again in a few months.

Wow, what a horrible man, and a toxic waste of your time and energy! Well done for getting rid.

I clearly have terrible taste in men

He literally made me feel so ill and anxious I would lose him

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP, I’m sure he didn’t start off acting this way right from the outset, but made sure he’d reeled you in a bit first. What’s important is that you’ve recognised what an arse he is and been able to do something about it before it got worse. You have learnt from the experience and will hopefully take forward the lesson that you deserve better and are entitled to be happy.