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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messed up big time

164 replies

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:37

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

OP posts:
MrsDamonSalvatore · 05/07/2022 09:57

Definitely dump him. Don’t dance to his tune or be on tenterhooks because he’s hinting he ‘might’ want to break up with you about it. Take control and be the one to end it. The relationship is tainted, because he has tainted it by showing he’s a bully. He’s shown his true colours, so better to get out now.

Watchkeys · 05/07/2022 10:03

I do feel sick and stressed by the whole thing but I can't tell if I am unreasonable thinking it really isn't a massive deal

This is why you're anxious: you're doubting yourself. There are no rules about what's reasonable and what's not. Some people will find a thing unreasonable, and others will find the same thing reasonable.

Your boyfriend finds what you did unreasonable, and you don't. It's not that you're 'wrong' - the two of you are simply different. There's no reason to doubt yourself just because someone else has a different response to something than you do.

Threetulips · 05/07/2022 10:09

Just a thought - So he sees this man as a womanizer, and by proxy woman who sleep with him are cheap? He now believes you are worth less because you slept with him?

Look at it another way, you are an adult and can choose your sexual partners freely, dating ONS or otherwise, that’s what grown ups do. He’s suggesting you’ve been a complete slut for giving yourself away freely.

Can you see the double standards here? Stand up for yourself and tell him to fuck off! Because if you don’t he’ll be making you pay for this for a long time. If he loves you he wouldn’t care.

scattercushion · 05/07/2022 10:09

i can see why this must be so upsetting. Things are only going to get worse between you. The best thing is to nip it (him) in the bud. Text him now saying ‘it’s not working out for me. I don’t want to see you again.’ Block his number and report back here for massive cheering from the whole Mumsnet community. We support you and want you to be happy, not guilt-tripped by an abusive, controlling narcissist.

SmileyClare · 05/07/2022 10:13

You have not "messed up big time" .

This man is controlling and sees you as his possession. He's punishing you for a perceived slight to his ego. He will ruin your self esteem and make you question your own judgment.

I'm not sure if you realise how toxic and damaging this is for you.. if you stay there will be plenty more situations like this in various forms.

In a nutshell; he's abusive, insecure and a misogynist, regardless of the good times you may have had or how you try to excuse it.

pinkyredrose · 05/07/2022 10:24

Be thankful he's shown his true colours! Dump, block, forget.

Mariposista · 05/07/2022 10:31

So you had a relationship with another man before even knowing your BF??? And that’s a crime? Get rid of him, he sounds really controlling!

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 10:32

@SmileyClare

Thank you

This says it all so perfectly and I shall reread this many times

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 05/07/2022 10:36

The man from last year was pretty chilled and respectful

He sounds a better choice than your boyfriend tbh. Dump his misogynistic arse. I presume he was no saintly virgin when you met?

scattercushion · 05/07/2022 10:37

Let us know when you’ve dumped him.

CrapBag39 · 05/07/2022 10:38

Who you’ve been with before him is none of his fucking business. Stand up for yourself and then dump this entitled narc mind fucker. You’ve hooked a rotten one, sling him back in the sea.

Beamur · 05/07/2022 10:43

SmileyClaire has nailed it.

Shoemadlady · 05/07/2022 10:47

So what if you booked a hotel to sleep with a man, oooh god forbid! You were single and it's none of your boyfriends business who you slept with!
He sounds like a real Loser, manipulator and is completely gaslighting you. You need to leave now while you recognise that behaviour as it becomes harder and harder to leave.
Don't wait around for him to decide what to do and reward you with his presence, tell him to get lost.
I'd absolutely suggest running for the hills.

Natty13 · 05/07/2022 10:48

Echoing others who say you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

The thing is, we all feel difficult and unreasonable feelings from time to time. I can kind of, KIND OF empathise with him for that. You can't help the way you feel, however you ALWAYS choose the way you behave and choosing to behaving in such a disgraceful and nasty way towards you because of how finding this out made him feel is unacceptable. It is a massive red flag for future controlling behaviour and poor emotional maturity.

SparklingPeach · 05/07/2022 10:53

He recorded his friend talking about women to prove to me that he uses women

He is a massive twat OP 😡

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 05/07/2022 10:59

I do see why he would feel upset about it- it can be weird to know someone you know has been with your partner. When I met my husband I knew he had been seeing an old friend of mine and I felt weird about it. Unfortunately it's just one of those things you either get over or can't get over and maybe if your partner can't get over it it would be unwise to continue the relationship. He might just need some time and space to think it over

SmileyClare · 05/07/2022 11:08

You need to leave now. as it becomes harder and harder to leave

Absolutely. I think most posters offering advice here have experienced an abusive partner, me included. We see the signs and would love more than anything to give you the benefit of our experience.

I'm pleased you're starting to view this more rationally, it's incredibly hard to "see" this sort of abuse when you're in the relationship and hard to gain perspective. Like a pp says, you start to question your own judgment.

Stay strong, confide in friends or family if you can to make this "real" and don't doubt your lovely self! Flowers

Bunty55 · 05/07/2022 11:13

Not only does he see you as his possession but he probably knows what the man you slept with is like and that will have really disturbed him. I think he will never forgive you for this OP !

Get rid

CalistoNoSolo · 05/07/2022 11:21

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 09:36

I want to be strong and leave him

So what's stopping you?

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 11:31

@CalistoNoSolo

Low self esteem I suppose

OP posts:
Whatever00 · 05/07/2022 11:31

You didn't mess up. You are entitled to a past as is he. You fucked someone. You weren't in a relationship with him so it's not his business. This is as good as it gets OP. It sounds like pretty shit.

Sunbird24 · 05/07/2022 11:38

Honestly OP, it’s better to be single than with a man who makes you doubt yourself like this. You did absolutely nothing wrong and yet he’s trying to punish you. You don’t deserve to be made to feel this way.

Triffid1 · 05/07/2022 11:45

if you stay, this will just get worse. So for example, you won't be allowed to mention anything you ever did with a previous boyfriend because that would be "throwing it in your face" so you can't talk about why you love Greece or the amazing concert you went to on your 21st birthday.

Then you will have to think carefully about everything you say and do. If you speak to a man in a pub, are you "flirting"? You'll be too scared to even greet a man, never mind talk to him.

And it will probably go further. Before you know it, you're not out with your girlfriends because "they're a bad influence" or "why do you need to go out with them when I want to spend time with you" or "a bunch of women getting drunk is inappropriate" or whatever. And then you won't be "allowed" to spend time with your family.....

Just run. Run now while you still can and take heart from being the one who ends it.

NalaNana · 05/07/2022 11:52

It sounds like that recording was simply to embarrass you/shame you, there's literally no possible good intention there. I think people commenting about narcissism are right!

He's furious that this happened in the past, he isn't satisfied that you're quite regretful enough (why would you be?!), so he's played you the recording to make you feel a fool, and he's hinting at leaving you so that you can understand the seriousness of your actions (as perceived by him only!). All of this conveniently puts him in a position of emotional power over you. Super toxic.

I briefly dated a man like this and ran for the hills at the first display, no regrets.

altmember · 05/07/2022 11:54

How did your boyfriend find out?

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