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Original poster

Messed up big time

164 replies

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:37

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/07/2022 04:06

That's what you need to do. Sort out the lock first so he won't find you throwing his stuff into bin bags if he comes back unexpectedly. Then pack like mad, don't overlook anything, and leave the lot outside as far from the front door as you can. Don't forget to secure the back door too.

Call police if he kicks up a fuss - shouting, threatening, breaking a window or kicking a door.

Block him on your phone. Don't talk at all. You can leave a note pinned/taped to his belongings telling him it's over and if he tries to contact you, you will consider it harassment and report him to police.

daisychain01 · 07/07/2022 04:49

He keeps hinting that we might break up and that he has to see how out goes it's all he can do

This is not on.

He doesn't get to hold a gun to your head and tell you that he'll make the decision as to whether he deigns to carry on the relationship or not.

Take back control and tell him you'll be the decision-maker in who you do or don't see, not him.

cheeky sod.

Billybagpuss · 07/07/2022 05:21

Don’t put up with this until Sunday. That’s 4 more days. He can be a moody arse in a hotel.

UserError012345 · 07/07/2022 05:24

He's messed up not you.

If you weren't exclusive and hadn't agreed to be then you've done nothing wrong.

It's unfortunate he knows this person. But still not your fault .

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 08:46

CherryBreadAfro · 07/07/2022 00:12

Why not just ask him to leave? His event isn’t your problem. You’re not required to house him. Tell him to get out.

Agree. Let him find somewhere else to sleep.

pinkyredrose · 07/07/2022 08:52

Why can't he stay in a hotel?

AnotherAnxiousMess · 07/07/2022 10:33

Is he still being a dick to you about it all, even though you’re kindly housing him for 3 more nights?

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 07/07/2022 11:01

@AnotherAnxiousMess

I haven't told him yet
I will tell him when he goes home

And yes a massive dick

Maybe this will be a relief to both of us

OP posts:
CherryBreadAfro · 07/07/2022 11:11

cantsleep2022 · 07/07/2022 11:01

@AnotherAnxiousMess

I haven't told him yet
I will tell him when he goes home

And yes a massive dick

Maybe this will be a relief to both of us

Why, though? Why are you tolerating this for several more days? Why not just end it and tell him to get out?

Are you afraid of this man?

Oestrogelsmuggler · 07/07/2022 11:18

You owe this tosser nothing.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 07/07/2022 11:42

I can understand why you would want to wait till Sunday to end it… there will probably be more confrontation if you end it before his trips over… but you really don’t owe him anything.

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 07/07/2022 14:02

@AnotherAnxiousMess

I think it's also as I have nice things planned for the weekend which I want to enjoy without feeling upset

When he is back home I can end it , wallow in my misery for a day and probably feel very relieved
😊

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 07/07/2022 14:50

He’s a tosser, be pleased that you know now and not later. Dump him already!

AgentJohnson · 07/07/2022 14:52

You can’t control him being a tosser but you can and should prioritise your MH over this immature twat. He was always this guy, it’s just now that you’ve discovered it. It won’t get better.

MzHz · 07/07/2022 17:17

Honestly @cantsleep2022 if you need to let him finish out the week and then tell him, go right ahead! It’s your life and it’s on your terms.

to many here are just interested in the update and don’t think about the real person in the middle of the situation

what you’re suggesting makes perfect sense. You’ve dumped him already in your head, so get used to the idea and it’ll be easier to go through with it on Sunday

Torin · 07/07/2022 17:56

mathanxiety · 05/07/2022 05:41

He keeps hinting that we might break up and that he has to see how out goes it's all he can do
He has been weirdly distant for a couple of days about

All this fuss about something that happened last year that I can barely remember

The stress of it is literally giving me a panic attack because I feel so anxious

You are dealing with narcissism - he checks all the boxes.

This not a huge fuss over something that happened last year.
As a PP said, if you breathed before you met him he would create a problem over it. If you had a cat when you were a child he would find a way to kick up about it. If your favourite colour was yellow he would find a way to make you feel that was stupid. If you liked ballet flats he would scoff. Are you seeing a pattern?

What he is doing is testing you to see how much bullshit from him you are willing to put up with, and to see if he can get you hooked into his game. His game is to create a massive fuss over something minor, to make you feel you have done something really wrong, messed up spectacularly, so you are on the wrong foot and find yourself trying to explain normal everyday life to someone who can't seem to understand any of it. You are even trying to explain it all to people here. He has really got under your skin.

He loves seeing you working hard to please him, turning yourself inside out with worry and anxiety that you have displeased him, fearing that he might break up with you unless you get everything right. He has somehow convinced you that he is too good for you.

In this relationship the only feeling he seeks is a feeling of power over you. He has no actual feelings for you. The relationship isn't important for him as a source of love, affection, or anything else that's normal.

He is getting a huge rush from seeing you anxious, confused, and upset.

This is what you have to look forward to forever if you stay in this relationship.

Excellent post. Been there, done that dance. Walk away op it only gets worse. You will find a happier more comfortable relationship with someone else. This one is a misery. Draw your lines in cement and never let anyone push you into changing them.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 07/07/2022 18:30

@cantsleep2022 That makes sense tbf. If I was in your shoes, I would probably do the same. At least if you end it once he’s home, you can block him if he doesn’t have anything nice to say. Good that you’ve got nice things to get you through the weekend too!

KissThaRain · 07/07/2022 18:57

Wow you have a past - he sounds like a utter twat. Did he think you were a nun before you met. I’d be waving his mind games bullshit out the door

Torin · 07/07/2022 19:12

Sorry just caught up. Well done op. Hang in there and get him gone, it will be such a relief! Don't even bother telling him why - just it's not working for you and bye!

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 07/07/2022 20:25

Yes onwards and upwards

He is having a go today because I didn't tell him myself and the other guy told him what happened between us

I didn't tell him because I knew him by a different name , he looked different in a picture and he was massively over reacting

I can't wait for this to be done so I don't have to explain myself

I know I could kick him out now but it will be a lot better easier for me to do it on Sunday

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 21:01

Can you not say "you know what, this clearly isn't an issue we will agree on or move past and I'm not willing to discuss it anymore so let's get your things together and you can go. A clean break is best."

Or would he kick off in a way that would frighten you and that's why you're hesitant to do it?

If it's just the awkwardness of conversation you're dreading then it'll be worth doing it just to get him gone and feel the relief when the door shuts, you block him and never have to deal with him again!

Either way you're going to be so glad you're the one who ended it and can start to rebuild your self esteem before meeting anyone else as he's really done a number on you Flowers

altmember · 07/07/2022 21:38

Is it possible he's decided that the relationship is over too, but he's doing the same as you - waiting until the weekend because staying at your place this week is convenient for him? Maybe he's intending to dump you after he's gone home, or maybe he's being an arse because he's one of those gutless pussies who won't dump you himself, instead he carries on like an irritating knob to push you into ending it for him?

Either way, he's being unreasonable, and it's not like you can change the past, so refusing to come to terms with it is never going to make any progress towards resolving it.

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 07/07/2022 22:41

@altmember I suspect this as well

But if he goes It saves me the job

Maybe I should dig out his friends number after and give him a reason to complain 😂

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/07/2022 22:50

@wellhelloitsme I would be inclined not to poke the bear, to wait until he is out of the home, and then to lock him out and throw his stuff out.

There's no need for the OP to tip her hand here and make this man dig in and stay just out of spite.

wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 22:58

mathanxiety · 07/07/2022 22:50

@wellhelloitsme I would be inclined not to poke the bear, to wait until he is out of the home, and then to lock him out and throw his stuff out.

There's no need for the OP to tip her hand here and make this man dig in and stay just out of spite.

I completely agree if she thinks there's a chance he might turn nasty. Sorry I did ask that at the start of my post but maybe didn't make it clear.

If that's the case, I would be inventing an issue that meant I wasn't sharing a bed with him though if I was OP as the thought of him touching me would be 🤢 now she's realised what a horrible little man he is!

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