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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messed up big time

164 replies

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:37

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

OP posts:
BlueWhat · 07/07/2022 23:08

He needs to stay til Sunday and once he leaves he can stay fucked off

He absolutely does NOT need to stay until Sunday. Just tell him to leave now!

Job done!

It's NOT your problem where he goes! You don't need to be "kind".

The guy is an arse hole and when he realises he's "losing" you he's going to turn on the charm offensive and you'll think"Oh what he said wasn't that bad, I love him so much, he's a good guy really".

And then you'll be stuck with him until the next time.

Please OP get him to leave tonight if not tomorrow.

Sitasita · 08/07/2022 06:07

Euughhhh
I hate these sort of things men do.

In my experience, any boyfriend I've had growing up, even my now husband who I've been with for 7 years went through a period of being annoyed who I'd been with well before him. It is a jealousy thing and it automatically makes you feel bad!
Totally unnecessary.

Please put it to bed, tell him you understand why he's feeling like that but it was before him which makes it none of his business.... you start huffing with him for the way this is making you feel. 💪

Beamur · 08/07/2022 13:23

Can you come up with a reason to stay with a friend over the weekend?

AnotherAnxiousMess · 11/07/2022 12:52

@cantsleep2022 How are you doing OP?

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 11/07/2022 13:38

@AnotherAnxiousMess

Thank you for checking in

He has returned home single 😊

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 11/07/2022 14:33

cantsleep2022 · 11/07/2022 13:38

@AnotherAnxiousMess

Thank you for checking in

He has returned home single 😊

Yay well done

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 11/07/2022 17:54

It was helped because the stupid twat had a good old rummage around my flat and found some photos of me and my partner from 20 years ago and began to sulk even more

OP posts:
Beamur · 11/07/2022 18:13

Good grief. You are well rid.

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 11/07/2022 18:18

And lied and said they fell out a cupboard

Clearly been having a good old poke about

Still at least it sealed the deal

OP posts:
ShirleyJackson · 11/07/2022 18:26

My first boyfriend did this.

I married him and wasted 20 years of my life.

Huge red flag. In the sea with him.

ShirleyJackson · 11/07/2022 18:27

Ah, just seen the update. Well done, OP!

Sunbird24 · 11/07/2022 19:18

Good work OP! How are you feeling?

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 11/07/2022 19:28

@Sunbird24

Relieved mainly that I don't have to justify myself

OP posts:
AnotherAnxiousMess · 11/07/2022 19:38

Well done OP! Glad you’re rid of him :)

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 12/07/2022 16:18

Thank you again everyone

I feel such relief at not having to worry whether he has the hump or not 🥳

OP posts:
Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 13/07/2022 10:34

The picture he had the hump about was of me and a pop star in the 90s

Ffs

He must have had a good dig around to find it

Glad he has gone

OP posts:
Oestrogelsmuggler · 13/07/2022 10:43

Freedom!
Good luck for the future. 🙂

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 14/07/2022 20:41

Struggling today cos I miss him

Even though he is a complete prat !

I know he messaged the other guy to find out some more information

I have to keep telling myself disengage ! You can do better

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 14/07/2022 20:48

His behaviour is not at all normal. You absolutely can do so much better!

lamaze1 · 14/07/2022 20:50

Also, sorry to hear you're struggling but relieved you don't have to put up with his moods and him putting you down. I suspect you miss the nice face he put forward to reel you in, but he has shown you of late that was an illusion. If he really cared, he wouldn't be so nasty.

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 14/07/2022 20:58

Thank you @lamaze1

He still has the ability to make me feel anxious and Sick

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 14/07/2022 21:46

Bloody hell, he is seriously bad news OP.

Look: he has targeted you because he has picked up your low self esteem and tendency to fall for men who pay attention. Abusers always do this. And pay attention precisely so that however horribly they behave you will miss him etc.

His behaviour is way beyond acceptable. He sounds dangerous to me. Recording his ‘friend’, going behind your back to talk about you, how dare he? How disrespectful can he be? Jealousy over a 30 yo photo ffs.

It is not emotionally or psychologically safe for you to have anything to do with him.

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 14/07/2022 22:07

@SuperCamp

Thank you

I keep reading all the lovely messages on here and know I have to stay away

OP posts:
AnotherAnxiousMess · 14/07/2022 22:07

Been there OP, it’s so easy to just go back to people like him..but it won’t be any better. Best thing to do is keep yourself busy and distracted, spend time with people who really do care about you and soon you’ll realise life is actually better without him.

HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket · 14/07/2022 22:19

It does get easier. Assume you’ve blocked him on phone, email, apps etc? Also delete his details so that you can’t contact him in a moment of weakness.

Get everything that reminds you of him out
of the flat, or at least out of sight. If you don’t see reminders of him, you’ll forget him more quickly.

Focus on what you want now. Book that holiday. See your mates. Buy a new
vibrator :)

you’ve got this xx

PS - don’t forget to change your locks!