Messed up big time

[cantsleep2022]

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

Good luck OP. You got this!

Please find the strength to bin OP, I'm in my 50's and dated a guy like this a few years ago. He'd spent his life behaving like this in a previous marriage, seeing his wife/partner as a possession and extension of himself and despite me challenging every comment and belief it was just in his DNA, I had enough in the end and dumped him. They don't change I'm afraid.

Thank you again everyone

To be honest I'm crying so much over how he has made me feel I might well treat it like a sticking plaster and end it anyway

I agree.

It will be hard but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. He has treated you appallingly, like a piece of meat that he has ownership of. Total lack of respect. Total lack of thought for your feelings. And he has the cheek to hold over you that he 'might' have to break up with you over it.

Take away that power he thinks he has. Take control. You will feel so much better for it. If you stay, he will continue with the sulking and moodiness until he thinks he's punished you enough or gets bored of it, then he'll be 'normal' again, until next time. His sulking will become more frequent, his control and manipulation designed to keep you in line, to diminish you, to make you feel as though you're lucky to have him. no doubt he'll bring this issue up whenever you have a disagreement or when he wants to punish you again.

You aren't lucky to have him. You're unlucky to have been landed with him. Can you tell him by text rather than see him to tell him it's over?

@layladomino

Yeah I will once he goes back home

Make it easy for me

Then I am going to take a long solo holiday somewhere hot I think

Sounds like a good plan!

This man will erode your self confidence. Which means the longer you stay with him, the less of yourself you will become, and the harder it will feel to leave him. Now is the easiest it will be. It might not feel it, but it is. Do this for your future self. Do it so that you don't sit here in a year thinking 'why didn't I leave - I've just wasted another year on him?'

And enjoy that holiday!

I really hate the fact that they have been talking about me as well the current one has made out that the other one can barely remember me

I would bet any money that they haven't been talking about you and your current man is lying about the former guy not even remembering you.

He is trying to destroy your self esteem and make you dependent on emotional crumbs he throws to you, enjoying the sight of you dangling on the end of the strings he has tied you up in.

My exH used to say stuff like that to me about my parents - they don't care about you, they never really cared (if they had cared they would have done x, y, and z for you), you are dead to them now that you've left for another country, . It was all about establishing a relationship where I distanced myself from my supports and didn't feel confident about reaching out to them when he started ramping up the abuse. This man of yours will start telling you lies about your friends if you stay. Eventually you will be completely isolated.

Do you live together?

Do you have somewhere else you could go and stay until you find somewhere permanent for yourself?

I highly recommend getting out as soon as you possibly can.

@mathanxiety

Thankfully it's my place he has his own but needs to me mine to finish an event he is working at

So gonna sit it out and then tell him

For some reason he keeps going on that the other man told him he deleted my number like it was his choice to end it

Like he can't see people can have casual things and not pursue them

You're spending too much time trying to work out what he's thinking. Listen to these folks here, it's a wise group. You don't need to understand any further what he's thinking. Pull back into yourself and find your focus.

Completely agree with mathsanxiety and other posters speaking from experience.
You're describing such a common pattern for coercive, emotionally abusive men.

Of course It's fine to feel upset and mourn the relationship you thought you had, I get it.

He's persecuting you now for his own satisfaction. What a nasty bully. He'll pick your self esteem to shreds given the chance, and think he's justified in doing so.

I would advise planning this break up well; make it as easy for yourself as possible. Insecure men with massive egos don't generally take rejection well. He may well ramp up the emotional manipulation in response.

Use this time to plan how you can have a clean break, split up when he's out of your property, block his number and continue to confide in your close friends or family.

Pleased to hear you've spoken to your friends, you need some support here.

It's going to hurt, it's ok to feel upset, confused even but you will move on and find a partner who doesn't belittle or bully you, who builds you up and makes you feel able to voice your opinions without treading on egg shells or apologising for being you x

My ex did this to me, he shamed me for any old boyfriends, used imaginary conversations with others to get his point across, and brought the issues up in arguments again and again for ever!
Hideous thing to do. This is not nice behaviour, this is not the man for you. Do not be ashamed of yourself, and do not listen to the insecure, manipulative, emotionally stunted little twerp.

@SmileyClare

Thank you I do appreciate the advice it's very well written and measured

I am going to have lunch with a friend tomorrow and glass of wine

Concentrate on losing some weight and getting fit and move on from this unfortunate experience

For some reason he keeps going on that the other man told him he deleted my number like it was his choice to end it
He's lying, love.
He hasn't been talking to the previous man. None of what he is saying about conversations with this man is true.

Like he can't see people can have casual things and not pursue them
Stop trying to make sense of what he's doing. When you find yourself working out ways to explain normal life to someone, it's time to switch off and wash your hands of them.

I know from personal experience how hard it is to stop trying to make someone like this understand and to just disengage, mentally. Your own completely rational brain can't let it go because it is maddening, and you need to be able to feel heard and understood. That is not going to happen when you're dealing with someone like your guy.

There's nothing rational to his speech or his behaviour. Dismiss what he is saying as lies, which is what it is. What he is trying to tell you with his lies is that he is the only man who truly cares about you, and you can't trust or rely on other people or on your own impressions of them. He's trying to create an alternative reality for you and ruin your trust in your ability to understand your own life.

He is an emotionally and psychologically disturbed man. That's all you need to figure out here, and based on that understanding you need to act to protect yourself. The only way to protect yourself is to end the relationship and block him.

Funny he's so disgusted by this man and with you seeing him yet matey enough with him to spend time with him to the extent he could record him.

He's a fucking hypocrite. You'd be mad to stay with him.

That ceased to be your problem when he started abusing you.

Fuck him off.

Tell him to jog on. You have done nothing wrong.

Over 20 years ago I dated someone briefly, we were both just out of relationships, didn't want anything serious and had a great time together and it fizzled. No drama, just faded out due to his working away, I was moving for work etc... a

We would see one another at events from time to time related to a mutual interest and if anything, struck up a good friendship and got on well. About a year or so after this I met my DP. We went on to have son. My DP knew my "ex" vaguely through the same events and came to know early on that we had dated at some point. Do you know what he did/said? Nothing. No comment of any concern, just sat and had a drink with him, which turned into a good friendship. Years later they meet up to do a sport they both love and our son goes with them. At one event we even shared accommodation apartment with him and his girlfriend. It was great and no one cared about the PAST.

No one lives their life thinking "oh, what if someone I date/marry etc.. will kick off about this and use it as a stick to beat me with in the future?". Not once has my DP even made a joking remark about my history pre-him. Nor I about his.
At best this boyfriend needs to grow up (still a firm nope from me)
At worst he is an abusive arse who will only get worse and he's holding a huge red flag.

Bin him. And hold your head high.

Well done OP. I know it's hard but once you have ended it your self esteem will rocket - because YOU chose to make a decision for you! It's the right decision.

He won't expect it as he thinks he has you under wraps hence why he goes on and on about this incident and doesn't care how he makes you feel...probably enjoying the power trip of holding you to ransom that he might end it.

You'll be the mature sensible party ending it here. His behaviour is out of order. And as others have said pretty sure he's been with others before you too!

Go enjoy yourself afterwards to take your mind of things. Onwards and upwards to better things x

Thank you all im beginning to feel relief and actually needed the reminder that single life can be pretty cool as well

I'm counting the days til he goes

He is so moody he is making my anxiety go through the roof

He needs to stay til Sunday and once he leaves he can stay fucked off

So
Dramatic today about something going on with his family but he can't even manage to be polite

My decision is made I can't live with this level anymore of anxiety

Why not just ask him to leave? His event isn’t your problem. You’re not required to house him. Tell him to get out.

This! Absolutely no reason for him to stay. Not your problem.

Are you sharing a bed with him and will he pressure you sexually?

You must have the absolute ick.

Are you ready to change your locks as soon as he is out of the house on Sunday? Change the locks and as soon as that is done and he can't come back in, pack his things in bin bags and put them outside quickly.

What time do you expect him to be gone?
Can you get a locksmith by appointment for about half an hour after that? You will need to show proof that it is your home, not his or anyone else's.

@mathanxiety
Thankfully I can lock him out with the second lock and get the locks changed

He is definitely going I can't take the anxiety