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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messed up big time

164 replies

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 03:37

I am not sure if I am out of order or not

I have been with my boyfriend since the end of last year

He found out I dated someone he knows last year , I didn't mention it to him as it was a casual thing , I did not really know they knew each other and I had actually not thought of it again

However he is very cross and dramatic about it, and says he feels like the relationship has changed as well as being cold and distant

I am not sure what I can do to change things

OP posts:
Ugzbugz · 05/07/2022 11:58

Dump him, no one is worth feeling that awful anxiety for.

I've been there to many times and last time I binned this bloke off felt instant relief and peace and thought what an idiot I was for letting him make me feel like that.

MzHz · 05/07/2022 11:58

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 04:21

He keeps hinting that we might break up and that he has to see how out goes it's all he can do
He has been weirdly distant for a couple of days about

All this fuss about something that happened last year that I can barely remember

The stress of it is literally giving me a panic attack because I feel so anxious

When a man makes you feel like this, makes you feel like you’re going to have a panic attack for something you did/didn’t do before you met him, you MUST end it.

this is him showing you who he is. Ignore it at your peril. I didn’t and it blighted my life. Trust me. He has to go.

you did nothing wrong and you know this.

Ugzbugz · 05/07/2022 12:01

@MzHz

Absolutely spot on and said much better than I said!

SpaceOP · 05/07/2022 12:07

When DH and I moved in together.... I was mortified to discover our estate agent was a man I had had a one-night stand with a couple of years before. In fact, it was that one night stand that kicked off a whole lot of changes to my life and that ultimately led to me and Dh getting together.

..... DH thought it was HILARIOUS. I mean, we all agreed it was a bit awkward, but mostly DH thought it was funny.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/07/2022 12:07

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 11:31

@CalistoNoSolo

Low self esteem I suppose

And do you think staying will help you improve your self-esteem?

AnotherAnxiousMess · 05/07/2022 12:09

This screams red flags. Honestly, end it now. You have in no way messed up here, he’s trying to convince you that you’re the problem, but you’ve done nothing wrong. Narcissist isn’t a word I like to throw around, but in this case, it all sounds far too familiar.

StanleyBostitch · 05/07/2022 12:13

The person who is supposed to care for you should not make you feel like this.

Threelionsandalioness · 05/07/2022 12:18

100% what @mathanxiety said ...please dump you deserve so much better xxxx

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 12:38

Thank you

I realise I have been feeling anxious for the last week

I wish he wasn't so dramatic and sulky but I can't change what I did last year and I guess he can't change his personality

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/07/2022 13:01

I guess he can't change his personality

Does he want to? Does he acknowledge that this is hurtful to you? Does he care that he's hurting you? Or is his priority his ego?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/07/2022 13:04

I think my current partner as the hump because I chose to book a hotel room and have sex with him after the third date

Tell him you were lying about the hotel room and actually you shagged the dude behind the bins round the back of Aldi

Then dump the stupid twat.

In all seriousness OP, if you don't dump him now you are going to regret it later.

There are so many threads on here which start "I never thought my partner would make my life a living hell, but I should have seen the warning signs when we first dated and he did XYZ controlling thing, now we have 3 kids and I gave up work, I have no friends as he is suspicious of them all, how can I leave? "

Please don't be one of them. He's showing you early doors who he really is. Please believe him, and believe you're worth better.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 05/07/2022 13:10

It's a very quick test - if someone makes you so anxious you can't sleep and blames you for something that you can't help, leave them.

Good advice. Please do, OP. You don’t deserve this treatment.

namechangeanonymous · 05/07/2022 13:56

Does the idiot want you to provide names and addresses for everybody you've ever dated, what a knob.

Watchkeys · 05/07/2022 14:22

Has he given you the lowdown on his sexual history, OP?

pinkyredrose · 05/07/2022 14:34

Why don't you text him and say you don't like his attitude and you don't want to see him again. Then block.

beenwhereyouare · 05/07/2022 15:18

@cantsleep2022

beenwhereyouare · 05/07/2022 15:24

@cantsleep2022

I do feel sick and stressed by the whole thing but I can't tell if I am unreasonable thinking it really isn't a massive deal.

It IS a massive deal.

You know what to do. Get rid of this arrogant, misogynistic ass. Don't let him punish you with his double standards and his entitled behavior. He will never let this go, but you can.

beenwhereyouare · 05/07/2022 15:27

And as for the title of your thread, he's the one who has messed up. None of this is on you.

LonelyInAutumn · 05/07/2022 15:51

Please do the right thing for yourself and mental wellbeing and end it. Being cold, distant and sulking are methods of control and he is trying to make you guilty over something that isn't even his business. You did nothing wrong. If you continue this relationship, you will be doing a disservice to yourself and it will become more tricky to leave (especially as you've said you have low self-esteem) and his manipulative tactics will become the norm to you. You haven't even been together for a year, don't waste anymore time. Best wishes x

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 16:18

I am going to have to end it even though it's going to hurt as I do love him but it's pretty unanimous and my real life friends say the same

It's giving me flash backs to another ex partner and how he used to make me feel

I'm sad now anyway so I might as well be sad and stress free

I really hate the fact that they have been talking about me as well the current one has made out that the other one can barely remember me

I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing

He is due back soon here so another night of him doing the sorry solder routine

OP posts:
notlongtoo · 05/07/2022 16:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cosmoslove · 05/07/2022 16:48

You really should not have to justify any past relationship to him !

lamaze1 · 05/07/2022 17:31

Sensible decision op. This is about control. If it wasn't this he would target something else as a stick to beat you with and keep you in line/second guessing yourself.

Original poster
cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 17:46

I feel sad because I genuinely loved him but I think it's also because he was very attentive

Again a red flag

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/07/2022 17:52

cantsleep2022 · 05/07/2022 17:46

I feel sad because I genuinely loved him but I think it's also because he was very attentive

Again a red flag

You've been with him what 7/8 months? You don't really know him let alone love him. You're seeing the real him now.