Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

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Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

Hi TLV and everyone else and new commers to the thread.
I was feeling low yesterday but I think that it was PMT as I have come on today.
Spoke to the council and have agreed for me to stay at my sisters till they can find somewhere for me and my boys to live. But to stay in the area that my ds's school and nursery is, I would have to get a job and rent privately, so I am looking for a job. I've had my fingers in a few pies career wise so I have a wide range of jobs I can apply for.
Ex partner is being less agumentative now as the children are suffering from our rows.
I hope we can see a way forward to remain like this for the forseeable future. But I'm not holding out a great deal of hope.

Any new comers who have just split form their other halves, you'll have good days when you feel like fighting the world and then there be bad days when all you see is a grey cloud in front of you and nothing else. You just have to believe that you have done the right thing for you and to keep going.

Hope everyone else is ok.

moosh glad you can at least stay at your sister's for now, I hope you don't have to wait too long til the council find you somewhere suitable

I feel like I'll never be free of my relationship. He's renting somewhere else, but keeps coming back here, even when I tell him not to. He tells me he loves me all the time (though not afraid to insult me whenever he's stressed about anything else in his life - today i am a selfish little woman).

I think I hate him, and him refusing to give me some space is making me feel worse - I feel trapped, and the fact that he ignores me not wanting him here, ignores the fact I want to end things etc makes me boil with rage.

He expects me to cook, clean, pick up after him, massage his feet, wake him up for work (and thinks i have built in snooze facility) - yet although I'm pg, he doesn't seem to have a problem with me getting up at the crack of dawn every day with dd (often before 6) while he sleeps til the last possible minute - the earliest he gets up for work is 6.30 - Monday he slept til 10.30 (I was awake at 5.30).

On saturday I managed to get him out of bed at 8.30, went back to bed myself - woke about 15 minutes later to hear dd saying I'll be back in a minute daddy - no reply from him, then heard her climbing upstairs - when I went down he was tucked up fast asleep on the sofa while she was free to roam the house, back door open (with steep steps down into the garden) etc.

Everything in his life is blamed on me.

He's had other issues all through our relationship that he seems to be seeking help for now, which have gradually whittled down my feelings for him - yet he says he here's from people much worse off than me at work - so basically I have no right to be unhappy with my situation / relationship. If I'm angry, I have anger problems/am an angry person. I think he is controlling, manipulative and undermining.

Sorry for huge rant, just needed to get it off my chest, even if no one has read this far! He hates me talking to anyone about anything in our relationship, won't leave.... is this normal?

Hi all, hope things are going good with you.

Friday night h got a call from the owners of the cottage and he is now their tennant!!!! He seems sooo pleased and excited and made up and even made the comment today that our change in circumstances could be a blessing in disguise as he feels he could be very, very happy there for a long time.

It is such a HUGE relief for me to know that he is happier, which of course is making me happier. I knew this was the right decision and we get on so much better as friends. There is no back biting or one-upmanship anymore as there is no need. We both actually can't wait for him to move!

The only downside is telling the children, which we are going to do next Friday. Then h is hoping to take the kids to his new place over the weekend to let them have a look and see how happy he is going to be.

But how to tell them? Am thinking of saying 'your dad and I have decided that we get on better as friends so that's what we are going to do as it makes us happier to just be friends. we both still love you very, very much and will always be your mum & dad, we will just won't all be living together anymore. your dad will be living at the cottage and you can visit him anytime'.....does something along these lines sound any good???

Splishsplosh, feel free to rant here. You are not alone. I recognise alot of the behaviour/attitudes in my s2bxh and my relationship particularly about the being angry stuff. I know you say he keeps coming back but now that he is renting elsewhere you should find some space to think about what you really want and what practical things you can put in place to get there. When is your baby due?

Muthahubbard, so glad things are happier for you both now. I think what you plan to say sounds very sensible.

hi everyone hope yous are all ok and holding up, my update now is that dh is going to put the divorce on hold (see my thread horrendous relate session) and my god was it horrendous, anyway he has found flat to rent however think we will still continue with the counselling and see what happens

Citronella, I'm glad I'm not alone, sometimes it feels like I'm being brainwashed into believeing the problems are in my imagination, and solely down to my reactions/responses. Which I know is nonsense, anyone in the world would be angry with him.

The baby is due in September, so ages to go. He rarely stays at his other place at the moment, though at least works late or goes out in the evening so I get some space. If he could sort out the main problem, which he's working on, then he thinks we could share a house, even if not "together", but his inability / unwillingness to pull his weight on sharing childcare when he's not at work makes it seem unworkable. I just feel too much anger/resentment towards him. If I have to do everything, that's fine, but I'd rather do it on my own than with somene snoring happiy away / having a busy social life in front of me.

Hi everyone, I know how you feel splishsplash, my ex partner blamed everything on me till I began to beleive that I would never feel normal again. He blamed the lack of sex on me, he blamed our "boring" life on me, he blamed the lack of money on me and the fact that I took four years off and would return to work in October when my youngest ds starts school. But after counselling I realsied that it wasn't ALL me, I realsied I had changed and I just didn't find him attractive anymore and I also realsied I would be happier on my own with my kids.
Latest housing update, I am hopefully viewing a flat today so keep fingers crossed. Ds1 aged 8 had his parents eve teachers are really being great with him through all this. His welfare is their main priority and his school, work comes second at the mo. His teacher took him into the school library the other day and he read him a few pages from a book about parents seperating and has let him bring it home. What a good teacher, I want to marry him !!!!! Ds's are angry with me at the mo but I know it won't last forever.
Keep you posted.

Sorry the message above is from me not poshpaws, she is my sis.

hi everyone - just a quick update from me. thursday night ex went out to some do but was going to crash here as friday is his day with DD. he came back at about midnight and hovered at my bedroom door, asking if he could stay with me. i ummed and ahhed but said ok, so he got into bed with me and we just talked and talked. he said he couldn't stop thinking about me, that he missed me, and wanted us to be back together. i said i missed him too of course but that i couldn't rush into anything as the problems we'd had would still be there. we didn't have sex or anything but we went to sleep cuddled up which was lovely...
friday evening i asked him if he'd meant what he said and he said 'every word'. i'm under no illusions about what he's like but i do still love him so i'm really not sure what to do. we've decided to give it 6 months - he says he really needs to be on his own for a while and get his head together, but he wants us to go out on our own once a week or so, go and see bands or whatever and kind of start again, and see how we go. i quite like this idea, of 'dating' him again without all the pressures of living together and everything. who knows, maybe we'll end up 'together' but not living together...starting to think that might be a good solution, if a little unconventional!
sorry if this is a bit incoherent, had a few glasses of vino this evening...

Glad you are staying at your sisters moosh. I hope the council find you somewhere permanent soon.

To be honest hellsbells it sounds to me like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He either wants to save the relationship or he doesnt. If he has his own place & does his own thing 90% of the time but expects you to be available for dates then he`s got the best of both worlds & has no incentive to bother getting the relationship back to how it should be.

If he`s really serious about saving things then get him along to Relate & see how it goes from there. If he refuses to go then you know what the answer is.

I dont mean to be harsh, im 4 months in now & have had to toughen up. You have to protect yourself & the dc from being let down again.

I hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do.

hi everyone. Not much time to post, but first time on here so I know I'm not alone.

I have a 16mo DS and am 15 weeks pg. For the last few months DP has been getting more and more nasty and abusive, though thankfully not physically violent. on thursday it came to a head I had to call the police to get him out of the house, luckily he was calm about it.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and am a million times more relaxed. DP is staying with his brother and he has already had DS round to play yesterday and this morning. I am hoping that DP will get help with his major anger problems and we can work it out in time. must go now, got lots to do but will spend more time here later. x

Hi Meglet. I know what you mean about feeling like a weight has been lifted - unfortunately my partner doesn't seem to respect me enough to take me seriously when I tell him I don't want him here, so although he is renting somewhere else, he stays here mostly unless it suits him to be elsewhere - when he stays away i feel so relaxed and content... I think this must be a sign it's the right decision?

Was your partner ok till a few months ago, or did he always have anger problems? Has he said he'll get help?

Hellsbells - I can see what Sparkleprincess means about having his cake and eating it, but I suppose it's about what you want too - do you wish he wanted to move back in and try again whole heatedly, or do you think you'd be happier having your own space, but dating him? Also if he's not there is he still going to be sharing in childcare / financial responsibilities?

splishsplosh my DP has got worse over the last few months. But very bad in the last few weeks, I think that its partly due to the fact I MC after sex last Nov so we haven't dared try it during this pregnancy, so we're not that close at the moment. I have also had grim morning sickness so he has had to help out more, something he is very resentful of. We met up again today and had a bite to eat, things are fine when we are not in each others pockets. Yesterday on the phone he was talking about meditation and getting a book on anger management. We have Relate tomorrow, I just hope it doesn't kick anything off.

anothermum Sorry you are having a tough time. What situation are you in?

anothermum92 - hello sorry you are struggling. My tips for getting through (things that helped for me)

1.keep yourself busy
2.talk to someone in RL everyday (even if it's just saying hello as you cross someone in the street)
3.meet up with friends
4.Put your slap on every day

1. listen to music
2. If you have kids, enjoy them
3. If all above fail, come on here and have a good old rant!

Come and talk to us.

Hi all newcomers (and old ones).
I'm not ranting for once today even though I feel like it. He is still texting me loads every night about stupid things like the phone bill and "when am I getting my stuff out of his flat" . I told the fool that when I have somewhere to live then I'll get my stuff out (including MY WASHING MACHINE) !!!!
But seriously he really is beginning to wear me down with his hate for me, it makes me truly wonder what the feck I saw in him all those years again. Especially as I find myself looking at great looking guys now (not that they look back at me)!! Oh well.

I said I wasn't going to rant and I have but despite not having anywhere to live and still leaving my boys every night, I am still strong and know I will get through it and have my boys back with me at night times. I can see a very small light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.

Hey all, how are you doing?

Just a quick update - I (notice the singular there) told our dc that we are getting a divorce today. DS (13) got upset and went for a walk for half an hour on his own. Whilst he was out I explained further to dd (5) who seemed totally unphased and can't wait to sleepover. She even said 'we are still a family, it's just a little change to get used being 'vorced and then it'll b ok'. She then asked when we are getting a new daddy!!! I said you only have one and he'll always be their daddy and that will never change.

When DS came back I had a further chat with him and after reassuring him that he can see his dad whenever and he's not just up and leaving and never seeing him again, he was fine. We even had a laugh and made tea together. We chatted a lot and he asked questions (to which I gave honest answers) and he too can't wait to see where dad is going to be living. He even said he knows we haven't got on well for a long time and although he's a bit shocked, if we get on better just as friends and are happier, then he's fine with it. He would rather we were friends and apart than unhappy together.

I am actually really suprised and incredibly proud of how they both reacted.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life and seeing him cry almost killed me. But I know this is the lowest point and things can only get better here on in.

Fingers crossed!

I got a great book called 'better relationships' - a Relate book and think - unless abuse is involved - it might be worth just a peep before doing anything irreverible...

muthahubbard good to hear your DC's are ok about the divorce. When my parents divorced it was nothing special (in a good way). 2 houses to stay in, extended family, double Christmas and birthdays certainly helped matters (hope that doesn't sound horribly shallow). I think as long as it's not a nasty break up kids can deal with it.

Me and DP seem to be getting on well. His nasty behaviour seems to be sinking in and he knows he's messed up big time so now I have to hope he is going to learn to chill out and deal with problems differently. We had a good Relate session and the counsellour said she had never seen his cuddly, relaxed side before . So it's in there but he just needs to show it far, far more often.

meglet - thanks. I'm hoping that things will be the same with us as you, and stay happy and friendly. DS said before he went to bed that it might even be a good thing as we will all get on better and be happier.

I know others have it a million times more difficult and my heart goes out to them.

Am glad things are going better with your DP. Is he still at his brothers? Maybe the distance and realising what he nearly lost has given him a kick up the arse. Good you are going well at relate too. Fingers crossed for you x

hi all, hope you are all ok and a happy easter
dh and I are sort of on the road to recovery (he is living separately to us tho) and we start counselling soon, having time together as a family and time alone and hopefully work through our issues however we are not out of the woods yet, still find it hard to trust him as he was so adamant it was over and then to turn round and say there was still a chance for us, divorce is now on hold but I feel i'm on trial for the next few months, will see what the counsellor says.

Hope things go well TLV. May be a slow, rocky road but at least you are both really trying. Fingers crossed for you x

Hello, not sure at what stage of a breakup I am at. I can't sleep so thought I would trawl the net for a supportive message board and that's how I ended up here.

DH and me been together for 14.5 years, and married for almost 8. We have two boys aged 11 and 5.

Not been getting on too well for a long time, not like in a marriage anyway, just two people sharing a house (with me getting the sh!ttiest end of the stick).

DH dropped a bombshell yesterday that he wanted to leave and have chance to sort out his head. I decided to be amicable and grown-up.

He didn't leave, he just went out and got hammered (as per usual) and came home. I made him sleep in the DS1's bed. He got up and went to work this morning, we did not speak etc..

He came home this afternoon and asked me if I had made the decision whether I wanted him to leave or not!!! (WTF???)

However I then asked him if he had been with HER - HER being a barmaid at the pub who he was having a "friendship" with - (apparently cos they were only meeting/texting/phoning and not having sex, it was alright) - and he told me he was indeed with her, and they had been having a "friendship" for about a week now.

So - as I say - he's not left as such, he's upstairs, I don't think he will leave me either, but I don't want to be his wife anymore.

I've come downstairs to have some wine because I can't effing sleep

Bantamgirl , welcome! I wish I'd seen you on here last night as I too couldn't sleep. Could overhear exh on phone to his girlfriend making derogatory comments about me.
Feel free to come on here and share your story, or just have a good moan. You'll find plenty of support.

welcome bantamgirl.

i've had similar experience but h didn't have a friendship with anyone else (that I know of!)

We were together 14 years, two kids aged 13 and 5 and I took the decision to end things in January as we lived together like lodgers, never speaking or doing anything together.

Hope you are okay today and get to have a proper talk with him. What exactly do you want? Do you think it's more than friends with the local bike barmaid? Do you think relate or counselling might help you both?

Sometimes admitting a relationship is over is the hardest part.