Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

[paperchain]

Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

I have been to see the housing needs officer today. Good news! I have been Okayed for the tenancy start-up scheme. This means the council will pay a deposit and months rent for me to move into private rented accomodation.

Bad news is it looks like the flat I was looking at may fall through.

The good news is the HN officer doesn't think a 2bed flat is big enough and told me to find a 3bed house.

H is off work next week so the lady from the tenency start-up scheme people will email me with an appointment to go in and do paperwork. They say I could be moving in 5 days after that!! So we are looking at approx next few weeks.

Feeling excited and guilty at the same time.

My DP finished with me 4 weeks ago. Since then he has been far nicer and more considerate than he had been for a long time.
He desperately wants to remain friends, but doesn't want a relationship.
Don't quite know how to deal with it
I guess it gets better with time... I hope

DS - well done I am very happy for you and excited dont feel guilty though!

LuXander - my dp has been the same with me untill I told him not to call me anymore other than to speak to his son. He was very shocked at this as I waited for his reaction and than hung up on him. I feel very proud of myself for doing that but I still want him to call me as I think for me it gives me hope that things could work out, But I cant bear the confusion so I had to tell him to stop.

I feel better for it but also I still keep checking my phone willing him to call. I dont know if I can be his friend wihtout having a relationship with him - definetley not now if ever but regardless We will have to be civil for the sake of DS.

I am still confused one minute I odnt want him back and the next I do!

Hello! I'm still here just haven't posted much recently (apart from a thread a started yesterday). Welcome to all the new girls. I'm sorry and saddened to read about your difficult times. But this really is the place to let it out (within reason of course seeing as its public)and I have found this place, as well as the passage of time,hugely therapeutic. It has also opened my eyes to the fact that so many couples and families are going through traumatic things all the time and in the end you get through it one way or the other. I used to look at people and think their lives were so happy but you just don't know the half of it sometimes.
So girls hang in there, it will get better. Take things at your own pace - don't let anyone dictate to you how, when or why things will happen. Only God has the right to do that.
The emotional freedom of not being responsible for the rollercoaster of another adult's emotions & behaviour is so liberating and refreshing!And of course we have the delightful blessing of our beloved children.
On that note I'm going to put my lippy on and sashay off to the shops!

x

Hear Hear Citronella!

Great post x

I have been ringing around all the leasing agents in my area this morning and hardly any landlords will take tenants on housing benefit! Aaargghh!

I thought that aquiring the deposit and months rent would be the hard part. No, that was the easy bit. Finding a house is the hard part.

H put me on the spot last night. He said that I had been moody with him since Xmas and if I wasn't careful I would push him away. Then he asked if I wanted to finish it and I said Yes. He didn't expect that answer, which is stupid because we already went through this a couple of months ago and he clawed his way back in. He will do exactly the same thing again, conveniently forget that I've had enough and go back to being mean again.

Hello everyone I've just posted about my situation and I think I'll hang around with you guys for a while. I'm really sad and a bit ashamed that I might be ending my marriage. Don't know how to go about seperating.

My strength is really being put to the test. I'm trying to stay in cold hearted mode while he crys, pledges undying love, can't live without me etc etc.

I keep telling myself that this is just manipulation. I will not be putty. As soon as he is confident that he has won me over with his smooth words and sob stories, he will go back to selfish jerk mode.

He is really going to hate my guts when the kids and I go.

Dragonstitcher, I have been there I know exactly what you are talking about. I am a DSS tennant and I have just got a flat after sleeping at my sister's house with the children for about 2 1/2 months. The flat isn't ideal, I did have a choice of a house but they are waiting to evict the person and I didn't know how long it would take so I had to take the flat. I am not 100% happy but I have a place for the children and I to stay and I am looking at the flat as a stop gap. Hang in there dragonstitcher you're doing well. Stay calm and if he gets abusive ignore or hangup or leave for a bit if you are still living with him.

I have to put up with my ex's tears he just abused me verbally 30 mins ago because Ds1 cries when he leaves his dad. He said "Are you happy now look what you have done to our son you fu!kg ...." I HUNG UP HOW DARE HE . I know my boys are going to be fine infact they have stopped crying almost as soon as he left and I am now going to go and watch Dr Who with them now.

Good to hear from you Citronella. Hey babalon please don't feel ashamed if its not working out anymore there is nothing you can do, you need to feel happy.

Oh and I forgot to say - I think a lot of men seriously underestimate the strength of 'the sisterhood'.

Anyway just as I was thinking my situation just about bearable my x reminded me today in some typical behaviour of him why I called time on this marriage.

hi all
not been here for a wee while, hope everyone is doing ok and lots of to everyone too.

I feel so down again today after days of being positive and strong.

I had to clean the house today form top to bottom a proper spring clean I couldnt bear the thought of any dust or dirt being here that could of been from him - I know it sounds stupid but it made me feel a bit better.

The thing that hurts the most is the betrayal of trust - had he just said lets call it a day and then started seeing someone else I wouldnt of been feeling so empty and bad and lonely.

I feel like I want the OW to know the truth that he has been seeing both of us at the same time but i don't want to make the situation worse IYKWIM

dbd - I think it's like when anything traumatic happens - it's a real rollercoaster of ups and downs, and gradually the ups outweigh the downs. This time is going to be hard, because you've just found out that you've been betrayed and let down, and also it's a bit like being in limbo, because you don't know what the future will be. It will get better over time (I'm telling myself this at the same time! )

I can understand the cleaning the house of him, it's quite symbolic really.

My partner has been ill so I haven't been able to get him to go - he seemed to be improving Saturday, then when I told him I expected him out by the end of the weekend, he relapsed. He can do all the talk of how he knows he's behaved badly, he's trying to change, he's sorry I've been hurt, things will be different, he loves us, it's better for dd to work together etc etc. I find it so wearing - like I'm being sucked of my own free will, and like I'm not allowed to determine my own life. He tells me I'm spoilt and selfish, as if this is justification for him ignoring my desire to separate - apparently I'm not up to making decisions like that, so I should go with what he thinks is best. Sometimes I feel like packing a bag and running away.

When he's nice, and trying to be a good partner, he expects me to forget all he's done and just praise him for his efforts.

moosh I'm so glad you've got your boys again, now you can begin your new life. Your ex is just feeling frustrated and angry, and taking it out on you, blaming you for it all because that's easier than taking responsibility for his part in things.

babalon - good luck

dd waking, must go

I have been married for 10 years and have a 3 year old and an 11 month old.A month ago my husband came home from a week in London at a business conference and told me that he no longer feels the same way about me, no longer loves me and wants to move out to get his head straight.

He is moving out this Friday and I feel really confused. Up until he went away I was very happy and thought our marriage was a good one. I have asked friends and begged them to be honest with me as to if they suspected he was unhappy but everyone has found it all as much as a shock as I did. Even my family GP was shocked as she was under the impression we were a strong family unit.

My initial suspicion was that he must have met someone else but he has strongly denied this. His parents both died 4 years ago, he did not grieve and felt a lot of anger to his father who suddenly cut him out of the will. He says he is in a dark place about this and needs time to sort himself out. I am not sure if this is the case or if he is looking for a 'get out'. He has agreed to individual counselling but not to couple counselling as he feels it would be no use.

Any advice/experiences would be appreciated as I am so confused.

I see noone has posted for a while. How is everyone doing?

well i'm plodding along nicely......things still amicable with the ex and we are both being very flexible over time with ds. My new man proves himself to be more wonderful with every week that passes. i'm still working for the ex inlaws, and while we get on fine it feels a little uncomfortable and i can't wait until the end of august when i finish there. I'll be moving a little bit further away in August and am looking forward to putting a little more distance between myself and my old life, i'm feeling a bit like i'm in limbo while i'm still living so close. It will mean being further away from my ds which i am finding very hard to cope with but i can't stay here just to be 15 mins from my son, there are no jobs in the area......i'll be moving about an hour away so not too far but it still will feel like a million miles away from my boy.

not been on this thread for a wee while either, hope everyone is holding up ok

Hi TLV I am ok, hows you?. Just about to move into a flat with the boys. I will need a P/T job now as he has refused to pay for after school clubs and Nursery fees. Don't worry he'll be the one who will suffer in the long run as the boys get older and they'll realsie what a skin flint miser he really is.
WoW!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel so much better after that!!!

aw moosh how awful, is he just doing it out of anger or spite? maybe he will come round, do you get child maint of him, how is the flat and are you settled.

Everything ok here, dh and I are on the road to recovery but I ain't leaving this thread tho might be patching things up but as i've been in the position everyone else has I want to offer advice/talk, we actually have a date this week and i'm looking forward to it, had first relate session which went really well, he is still living somewhere else for the time being until we get everything sorted. Will see how it goes but I feel so much better in myself anyway

Hello everyone. I've been lurking for a while, but it's time I joined the gang.
Very potted version is that DH has realised that he doesn't love me any more and wants to leave. We have previous history - he had an affair that we have spent 2 yrs trying to put behind us - unsuccessfully it seems.
We talked last night and he seems comfortable with his decision, so I guess that really is it.
But I have no idea what needs doing next. Where do I start? Don't really want to rush to a solicitor as we want to handle this as amicably as possible for the sake of the DC, but not sure what else I have to do.
I realise that compared to some this is a relatively straightforward situation, but I just feel so numb and hollow today.

Hello all,

Thought it was about time I checked how you were all doing and gave you an update. Welcome Bamzooki. How long have you and your DH been married?
for me life has been in a bit of a state of limbo as to the next steps. We are at the mercy of the property market apart from other things. exH flitters between civility and just when I think we may have an amicable future he turns back to mr nasty which makes me nasty and it all goes pear shaped again. If it weren't for the kids I would much rather not have to see/speak to him at all.
nevermind the sun is supposed to shine this weekend. Hope you all have a lovely one!

Hi everyone.

Hope you are all doing well.

Things are going surprisingly well for me at the moment and tbh I keep expecting the wheel to fall off at some point.

Ex H and I and getting on okay and the kids are doing really well.

I do feel ready to move on and I'm wondering if it will be then when things might go a bit pear-shaped, ie when x H finds out I am seeing someone else.

We shall see.

Hi good to hear from everyone. Ex partner is being a real git at the moment you would think we were married and not just living together. Like you Citronella, if it wasn't for my children, I would not even havre anything to do with him. I believe I actually hate him.
I have a solicitor to write a letter asking him to allow me to get my stuff out of his flat and he has gone nasty again. He is refusing to pay any outstanding bills that are in my name but were run up by him when I wasn't living in the flat. his Jackeyll and Hyde approach is really very strange and odd. He won't give me any photo albums of my children and my children's treasure boxes with their first hospital clothes e.t.c. I have written to my solicitor telling her this because he is saying that he is willing to go to court and fight me for those precious things. HE NEVER EVEN KNEW THEY EXISTED UNTIL I WROTE THEM ON MY LIST FOR THE SOLICITOR TO GIVE TO HIM !!!!! He is stooping to an all time low and I am really disgusted with him. I cannot wait till my boys are old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to see that idiot of a man!!!!
Sorry I am getting really angry now and feel I may never free muyself from this ugly anger and hate he has for me. I just want to be left alone by him.

Moosh sorry your ex is being so horrible.

I know how you feel. I want to separate from p, but he just doesn't want to! Last night tried to make it clear that I did not want to live under the same roof as him, and he said I can go, but leave dd, he'll fight me all the way, fight for custody, for everything - it's like blackmail, stay or I'll destroy your life. And then he says "you may not believe it, but I do love you" - yes, because this is the way you treat someone you love.

He works pretty long hours, and at the weekend thinks he deserves to chill out.. ie do whatever he likes. He'll take dd out for 3 hours to a group today, then it'll be him doing us a favour if he has anything much more to do with us all weekend. But he wants custody!!!!! I hate him.

My xh was a little like this when I first told him I wanted to split ss.

On the first two or three occasions I told him it wasn't working and maybe we should separate, he either laughed it off or put his head in the sand. The penultimate time I told him I wanted to split, he also said 'I'm not moving out, won't leave my kids, etc, etc'. I honestly thought I was in for a very tough time.

A couple of days later we met at lunch and discussed it properly. When I explained that we were both at fault and I wasn't blaming him and that I didn't want to stop him seeing the kids or take all his money, we had a good chat and he even admitted that things had been bad for longer than we both cared to admit.

Maybe discussing everything in a public place, where you can't really get that emotional and angry, would help splish?

Or his he just a real stubborn ostrich who won't admit things are over, no matter what?

You are right, if he loved you he wouldn't treat you that way. The one thing my xh said that suprised me was that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if that means we split as he could see how unhappy we both were in the end.