Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

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Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

Hi am newly separated as well - my ex p decided out of the blue in an e mail that hed had enough and walked out 2 days later. Im 3 weeks down the line and yes a big roller coaster of emotions good days and bad days - starting to realise ex p was a no good shite and once the financial side sorted I am much better off without him. Taking pleasure in my dd aged 7 who has really turned a corner at school and is improving - its all down to me so proud of her!
if anyone knows anyone who can accidentally shove exp in front of a speeding train i would be gratefull!!!! my life would deffo be much better then-

Hello everyone, hope your easter went well. I'm still at my sisters, the boys are now with me full time as he bought all my clothes and the kids to me at 6am in the morning two days ago and changed the locks !!!!!! he says he doesn't want me in HIS flat (I made that poxy flat what it is today not him!!!!) but he has cut his nose off to spite his face as the boys hardly have any clothes, no toys and not alot of underwear.
At first I told him he doesn't deserve to see his kids but for the sake of the boys I will let him have them next weekend ONLY IF he behaves in a "normal" way.
I really hate him for what he has done. I only went to the flat to tend to the kids as soon as he returned from work I left to go to my sisters. He thinks he has the power, but he doesn't now because he is sad that the kids are not with him he has practically thrown them out !!!! The twat!!
I keep you posted.

What an @rsehole! Glad youve got the kids back moosh.

Glad the kids are with you moosh and fingers crossed for the house hunting.

Is there any way the kids can bring some of their stuff back with them once they've been to see him? Or maybe a family member could go round and collect some?

He sounds like a prize twunt.

How is everyone doing?

Me and the dc seem to be doing really well and h is happier than a pig in muck in his new place. Kids have stayed over twice this week (as it's school hols) and I've had two very relaxing nights on my own.

Must admit I did miss them a little last night, but just things like having a bath by myself and sleeping alone in my bed were fab!

Moosh - any joy with housing?

hi all
Things seem to be going ok here, dh spending more time staying over (is moving into his flat soon tho) start our first couple counselling in a few weeks too, still finding it difficult to trust him but we'll see what happens, infact couple of times he was here I just wanted to go to bed because i was so tired must be the fact that i'm used to being it just myself and dd and going to bed relatively early.

Hope things are ok for everyone

Good luck with the counselling TLV. Hopefully it will help you both a great deal.

Can i join in?
I found out on tuesday that my DP of 7 years has been seeing soemone else for the past year. We have 1 DS 4 together. He blames me for not showing him enough love. He works abroad and would come home for 4 weeks every 6 months - very hard but we made it work or i thought we did.
The last couple of times he came he said i showed him no affection - i tried but i felt like he was pushing me away and i found it hard knowing he would only be here for 4 weeks then i would be without him for another 6 months. I also took a step back and let him spend time with his son so i sort of just belended into the background as i feel it important for them to have a good relationship.
He is my soulmate, my future and i really would like another chance to make it work but with being in different countries i dont know if that is possible.
I know i am only a couple of days into my heart break but i cant eat i have barely slept and am crying all the time.
I am trying so hard to be strong for my son but i am so heartbroken and sad and i feel like i have thrown my only chance of happiness away I guess i am just feeling sorry for myself - sorry to go on!!

Go on as much as you like, that's what this is for!

I'm so sorry you've had this bombshell. How did you find out? This is totally not your fault and it must be very difficult for you both having him work away for such very long periods of time. Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with that amount of separation as I wouldn't feel as though I was in a relationship. Is there anyway he can change his hours/days so that he comes home every other month or similar?

It would be a shame for you to split without you giving everything to try and make it work. But of course he is seeing someone else and it's up to you whether or not you can get over that and trust him again.

Has he said anything about trying to make it work?

I had a feeling there was someone else as this name kept popping up on group emails so i did a bit of googling and found her profile on a site and there was this picture of the two of them.

soIi just sat there looking at it and about an hour later called him and asked him if there was somone else and he said no so I told him what i found.

He said he wanted to tell me but didnt want to hurt me and didnt want me to find out how I did. He says he still loves me, I want to make it work i really do.

We speak everyday on the phone and online or we were. He has been telling me how much he loves me and wants more children but he's been seeing someone else - I don't get it!
I am prepared to forgive with time and believe that we can get through it but its not my choice to make, he has to make that choice and i know that.

I cant eat, i feel sick all the time and when i do get to sleep i wake up an hour later with my mind in overdrive.

I'm sorry for what you're going through DBD. I think it's a bit of a cop out, him saying you didn't show him affection - what, did you drive him into the arms of someone else?? Surely if he felt that was the case, he should have tried to work on that with you, rather than seeking affection from someone else. It must be very tough seeing someone so sporadically as well.
Also, if he's been seeing this other woman for a year, and he says it's the last couple of times he saw you that you didn't show him affection... that doesn't really add up, does it? Perhaps if he was already seeing someone it was him being distant, not you. Do you think you'd like to work things out? Could you trust him again? Again, working away must make that more difficult, What does he want?

It's making me feel quite angry, because my partner has said something similar. I asked him to move out a while back, which he did very half heartedly in the end, and keeps returning, til he's rarely not here. He's been telling me he loves me, wants to marry me, wants to live with his family etc.

I have now found out that he started advertising for women on some website about 7 weeks ago, and has been speaking / texting / emailing lots of women, saying he's sing;e, sounding quite intimate with several of them. His justification (along with the - well you shouldn't have looked comments) was that he has been feeling deprived of affection / love, so that's what he was seeking, and it's ok cos nothing physical happened. Well, it's true I haven't shown him affection, and there are lots of good reasons for that, all down to his behaviour... but he was saying he wanted us to be happy together while doing this. And he really doesn't seem to feel bad.

I would like to work things out but i dont know if that will happen . I cant stop crying and havent eaten in a week and feel so depressed and that all my hopes and dreams have been shattered.
What i cant understand is that he has called me everyday since i found out asking how i am and trying to make conversation with me which is confusing me as he has been calling after our DS is in bed.
I am trying not to let him hear the upset in my voice.

What are you going to do now SS?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's awful being so let down, experiencing the shock of finding out someone has betrayed your trust. Have you told him how devastated you are? Have you discussed what you both feel / want? Or is it just too hard at the moment?

My partner seems to have brushed it under the carpet saying it was just him being stupid, he'll always love me, his only regret is that it's hurt me.

He's let me down in lots of other ways, and now he's destroyed the trust I had in him over women, and because he doesn't seem that remorseful, i'm finding it hard to see how I can go back to believing in him.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm pg, the whole situation is making me quite angry and depressed, he doesn't seem interested in making amends. We sleep separately, we rarely do anything nice together... it feels like it's all over anyway, but he's pretending all is ok.

I know you must feel so awful, have you friends in rl you can talk to about it? I'm sending a big virtual hug your way.

SS - I am sending hugs your way too, I feel for you having to go through all of this and being pg aswell. I am so thankfull that I am not as The last couple of times he has been home we have been trying.

I have told him how devastated I am and he said much the same as yours - he loves me and had wanted to tell me and never wanted to hurt me but then in the next breath it is all my fault as i didnt show him enough love etc!!!

He has been calling me evryday since i found out to see how i am and to chat!!! He has been calling after our DS is in bed - so that has been confusing me! I said to him last night what happens next is their a chance for us and he said he would call me back as he was in work - that made me angry but i didnt call him back. He finally text me back saying how much he loves me and didnt want to hurt me but doesnt want to deal with anymore disappointments in his life by me not showing him any love and that when he thinks back he just feels the lonleyness and emptiness!!!

I havent responded and i am not going to but i guess that answers my question about us getting back together - What makes me angry is that he cant give me a yes or a no and he didnt have the balls to tell me he texts me wtf!!!

I want to tell the OW what has been going on as she clearly doesnt know about me but I dont want to make trhings worse!!!

It sounds a bit like he's still hedging his bets, by not giving you a straight answer.

I texted a couple of women I found on his phone, not to be nasty, but just to let them know he was living with pg partner and his child.

This morning I saw that he'd texted 1 of them, obviously trying to convince her I was his ex making things up, but she didn't believe it. I also saw he'd texted another woman he'd told me he'd stopped contacting, he'd asked if she'd received any texts from his ex, and she'd said no.

So obviously he has no intention of stopping this - after he'd texted these women he'd come home and wanted sex with me... it's the end... he's showing zero respect / honesty. I know I deserve better. And he's still criticising me for texting him on his way to work to tell him I know, that i'm hurt and that it's over, as he thinks I should be busy doing other things!

He's always held himself up as this moral man who would never cheat on a woman because his dad did it to his mum - oh, except when he was younger, but that was OK, because he told the women he was seeing others. So now it's like he's this whole different person, he's become the person he's always scorned before. I feel so let down, and he's still telling me I'm the one at fault for every last thing.

I really hope you manage to think through what you want to do. Don't let him dictate how things should be. If you want things to work, then tell him what you expect from him.

Anyway, need to atend to my toddler, so must go x

Big hugs SS - am at work so cant stay long!!

I feel a lot better now - even by him not giving me a straight answer!!!

Am so sorry about your other half. Giving you all the strngth I can and hugs - hope your day gets better,

I am very glad you have found the strength to tell him that it is over - do you feel a tiny bit of relief now? I know you must feel awfull but remember you found the strength to tell him its over and that has to be a million times better than knowing he has shown no respect to you IYSWIM?

What a tos**r!!!!! I dont know what else to say really at the moment!

Keep your chin up and i hope you have a lovely day with your toddler xx

Hi, I've been aware of this thread for a while but haven't felt ready to join in until now. Also, I wanted to read all of the posts before joining in.

First of all hello to everyone and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I have posted about my problems on separate threads but will try to do a recap here, although I think it will be long and I apolgise. I have been with H for 11 years, married for nearly 10. I have 3 DDs, 2 from my first marriage aged nearly 16 and 12 and 1 DD with H aged 8. I have two stepsons aged 20 and 18.

I realise now that H got involved with me to try to make his XW jealous. When it didn't work, he settled for me to fill the role of mother figure to his boys. In other words he wasn't happy to just have contact with his boys, he had to try to restore his idea of a normal family. Basically he needed someone to do all their cooking and cleaning, a live in housekeeper, while he played happy families. Of course, the added benefit of having a wife instead of hiring a housekeeper is sex on tap.

Over the years things have niggled at me, but every time I try to discuss them, I have been made to believe that it was all in my head, or I am jealous of the boys, too sensitive or just looking to stir things up because I enjoy being unhappy.

The boys have been allowed to do whatever they liked but the girls have had to follow strict rules. The boys could help themselves as much as they like, the girls have been made to beg. The boys have tormented, sometimes relentlessly, but the girls are the ones who get told off for making a fuss. (The worst time was when SS put sand down the front on DDs bikini, which of course I realise now was definetely not on!).

H has done the boys no favours. He has spoilt them to the point that they haven't had to try too hard for themselves. They have a free taxi to where ever they want to go, they are lazy and have no gumption to do things for themselves. They have let H control them.

And that is what the relationship has been about I realise now - control.

I have had my eyes opened. I started going to a support group for abused women and have learned so much. I have lost all respect for H. I see through everything, every tactic, every stage of the cycle of abuse. I have detached from him and just want to leave.

He knows that something is wrong. He has been feeling me growing away from him for years and that is why the abuse has steadily got worse, as he loses control of me and feels more insecure. He has tried bullying me into believing that it's all in my head, that there is nothing wrong. Then he admitted that there was something wrong, but it is all my fault. He has tried scaring me by threatening to leave. That stopped working when I told him I want him to leave. He has tried waking me up in the middle of the night to berate me when I am at my most vulnerable.

I think he knows that I have had enough now. I tried a couple of months ago to tell him it is over, but he says he has nowhere to go and he thinks that I have nowhere to go. Now he is sad. Sad, because he knows deep down that I 'have gone off of him' (his words), feeling sorry for himself and trying to convince me that he is a good person and still trying to convince me that I am wrong.

Over the last week, I have been sorting things out, getting rid of stuff, starting to get ready to leave. He thinks that I am making an effort to tidy the house, to make him happy, to save the marriage. I think that is what he is thinking.

I told the girls that I am looking for a way to leave. They are excited, but scared that it isn't true. They are also scared that he will turn really mean when it happens.

I have an appointment for an interview with the councils Housing Needs team on Thurs (10th). I am hoping to get help with a Tenancy start-up scheme so I can rent a flat just around the corner from DD8 school.

After that hurdle, the next one will be the actual leaving part.

Sorry, this turned out to be VERY long.

Dragonstitcher - am so sorry for you - but so happy you have been to a support group and you want to leave this situation

Best of luck for thursday

Is there anyone you could stay with until you get a place of your own?

Dragonstitcher - it sounds like you're a very strong woman, to have pulled away from his control, gone to a group to get support, and now preparing to leave. I know it must be hard, but think of the future, and how much better it will be for you and your children once you are free. Please stay strong. My partner used to have have a go at me in the moddle of the night when I was pg 3 years ago. But I think he managed to brainwash me into believing I deserved all he said to me, because I didn't recognise it for the abusive behaviour it is - I so wish now I'd walked away, instead of getting upset when he said things should end, and then being grateful when he decided he wanted us to stay together. These controlling men are amazingly adept.

DGD, thanks for your support. And I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better.

I've just found out he took rent money from our tenant, and spent it all, and lied that she hadn't paid yet. He paid off some debts he had, but now is going to leave us struggling for money. I just cannot take any more. How low can he go. I've put his stuff outside and told him to go, and I can hear him downstairs making some business calls, sounding happy amd relaxed and charming. I'm just crying, and feeling like I'm the most stupid person in the world for giving him chance after chance after chance, and now leaving myself in a stupidly vulnerable position for the future. Anyway, I've taken his key, so even if he won't go tonight, I won't let him back in again.

SS/DBD/Dragon - I am so , and about the way these guys have been treating you.

No real words of wisdom to offer other than it's time for YOU to do whatever it is YOU want to make the situation better for YOU (and your dc).

These men sound like selfish tossers to me and they are slowly realising what they have lost. Tough.

Fingers crossed for you all x

Now he is sitting downstairs tucked up in a duvet, saying he doesn't feel well, and tutting that I am not looking after him very well. When I got up to walk out of the room, he started telling me I am so angry etc etc. Just a manipulative control freak who only knows how to operate by trying to lay the gult on others.

SS dont let him put you down or make you feel guilty, easier said than done i know!

Have woken up this morning and the positiveness I felt yesterday has gone.
He called agian last night and I told him not too and he was stuck for words and sounded dispaointed when he said o ok then i out the phone down!!
Then of course i had to email him just to say that he could call to speak to DS whenver he wants - forgot to say that to him.

I would rather he didnt call to be honest but that is not my choice to make OH and DS have to have a relationship until one of them decides they dont want that - I cant and wont make that choice for them.

I feel very empty and down today and still cant believe what has happened. I do know that he is not the man i thought he was and that hurts too.

DBD, I'm sorry that you are feeling down today.

SS, I know what you mean about manipulating you with guilt. They seem to be masters at this don't they?

H wasn't in a mean mood last night, but it wasn't his best mood either. It was a happy-ish self centred mood. He torments and jokes with the girls and expects them to think that he is great, when really he just gets on their nerves. Teatime they were chatty and happy and he was quiet, rolling his eyes, looking like he wished they were somewhere else. Then after tea he was bored. He put a film on before they went to bed because he couldn't wait. It's sch hols so they don't go to bed as early, but you could see they were in his way. Then they wouldn't go to sleep and kept getting up and banging on the floor. DD15 stayed up to watch the film and kept asking questions, so that bothered him.

I know that he wishes that it was just us so he could have my undivided attention.

At bedtime he asked if I wanted a 'bit of fun' and I made an excuse. Then I laid and waited for the pity party that didn't happen, until I went to sleep.

He didn't phone from work this morning. He phoned not long ago and gave me a sob story about how bored he was, how he hates sitting in front of the TV night after night etc. He said he wouldn't phone again because we didn't have much to say anyway.

I don't know what he wants. He isn't happy with us, but he seems to want me to buck my ideas up and make everything all right. He wants me to buy food he will love, on a budget, make the kids vanish when he doesn't want to play happy families, make him feel loved and cared for when all he does is make everyone feel uncomfortable.

I wonder if he will be so devastated or secretly relieved when we go. He will be lonely, have to come home to a empty house every night, cook and clean for himself, his family image shattered and struggle financially. But I wonder if he will miss us for us. I don't know.

I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I have all my paperwork together, I just want to get it over.

Hi all new comers DS, DBD sorry to read that you are going through turmoil atm. Hi everyone else, thanks for asking about housing MH, just today I looked at a flat not far from Ds1's school and DS2's nursery and think I am going to take it. It is not very big and not in the best area (it is in a nice area but above an Estate agents and is surrounded by resturants so may have a tendancy to be noisy at weekends)but the kids won't be with me most weekends they'll be with XP so thats ok. Its a stepping stone to a better home in a years time or so when I am financially better off. My local vicar is trying to find out some information on a little house just down the road from the flat I viewed, if that happens to become free soon (as they are trying to evict someone) I may take that, if not I'll take the flat.
XP still being a complete tos!*r ! The next stage of this "blossomming friendship " is to now discuss what I can and can't take from the flat. that should be a laugh.

Where is everyone else?? Citronella and others ? How are you doing ??
As I always say I'll keep you posted. Best of luck everyone else and if your new to this separation stuff, you will have your ups and downs but you'll get thorugh it for your children. XX

Dragonstitcher - how did you get on today?