Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

[paperchain]

Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

welcome citronella and geri2. Sometimes it just helps to know your not the only one iyswim.

citronella - i know what you mean about the up and down days. I'm having an up day today - got loads of paperwork sorted and even got my tax credits through so h has no reason to stay now as I will just be able to afford everything on my own.

geri2 - Angry? I'd be fuming!! He's bogged off and left you with four kids so he can be with his fancy piece? You will be entitled to a lot more than here as you are married - ie his pension/csa etc. There is no such thing as common law wife so unless he marries her as soon as you divorce then she won't get anything. If he's that bothered about being with her properly, let him divorce you.

than her

Hi citronella, and muthahubbard... I know if we divorced, she wouldnt get anything except 'her' man.. apparantly she did the chasing, at least thats what her hubby told me... but obv my hubby wasnt pushing her away! what I meant was that if he were to pop his clogs, I think that as we are still legally married then she wouldnt get anything, but if I were to divorce him she'd get the insurance.. which is why I'm in two minds really....make him wait 5 years... even if he wanted to divorce to marry her, at the moment I'd want to make it impossible for them to do so.. so on religious grounds, I'm catholic I could refuse. On the other hand the longer I leave it, the older the children are getting so that wouldnt go in my favour. although I do have a disbled child so not like he can make me sell up when youngest is 18.

I went into his place of work, its a big diy store, in Jan. Spoke to the boss!!! I asked him if he condoned relationships between members of staff etc.. I think he was genuinly unaware that it was going on.. and the outcome of that is that Hubby is being transfered to another store I now know that hubby knows it was me who went in tho he hasnt said anything to me. My second dd asked him why he was being transfered and he said 'ask your Mother!!' He's lucky I didnt go in there in October when I first found out!!

I just feel like they're there all smug, just wanna knock the smiles of their faces!!!

Nice one Geri2

lol sparkle

A few weeks ago I received a bouqet of flowers from his boss - delivered. Saying 'thanks for your support' He'd obv been working extra hours, ( that was one of his reasons for hardly ever being home, that he was working) and at times he most probably was... but other times he was with trollop. Felt like ringing and saying something like 'thanks for flowers but I think they were prob meant for trollop!' dosn't matter to me if he's working extra hours lol Didnt ring tho, you never know I might get some more pmsl

Moosh - it sounds like you're going through a horrible time. I hope things get easier soon

Treadmillmom, what you say strikes a chord with me too.
He has 1 major problem which he seems to be tackling, and to be honest I don't know how much of the rest of his behaviour is affected by that. So I have no idea if we have a future even if he sorts his main problem out.
He too isn't very helpful, though seems to be trying a bit now. Also I think controlling and manipulative and bullying although he can be very charming and sweet. Sometimes i think I'm going mad though - if I'm angry he's spent loads of money we don'thave, won't get up at the weekend, won't do anything round the house (other than leave his stuff on the floor etc for me to clear up) etc - I have anger management issues, I'm an angry person etc etc. When he shouts at me for not rinsing his rice correctly, he's just a bit stressed.

Despite "moving out" he's been back here since Monday. He professes his love to me all the time, wanting me to cuddle him, sleep in the same bed with him and act all loving towards him. Yet for Velntines Day he wanted to go to the cinema - on his own! He can say all the words, but totally struggles to do anything to show he means any of it.

Do you think your partner is ill? Or just lazy and selfish?

Hi everyone - how have your weekends been?

Am pleased to say that ex seems to be sorting his life out finally. He's moving into lodgings this week, and has also found an office to rent so he can try and make his business work.

Yesterday I asked him to look after DD for a couple of hours so I could tidy up the kids' bedrooms (DS at his dad's for half term), I also asked him to help me carry a rug I'd just bought back from town. While we were in town we had a really good chat about everything, even had a bit of a laugh!

He came round again this afternoon to see DD and offered to take us both down to the pub for lunch (his treat). It was lovely and relaxed, and I did say how strange it was that we're getting on so well now that we've split up. He said he felt like me throwing him out was the 'kick up the arse' he needed and I can see he's working hard to get things back on track for himself, personally and professionally. The suggestion that we might still have a chance a bit further down the line was sort of hanging in the air but I didn't push it as it's not been easy to get him to open up recently. But he's been drinking much less, really pulled his finger out re finding somewhere to live/work, and has been absolutely 100% reliable - whenever I've asked him to come round and look after DD he's been there bang on time.

So I'm left feeling a bit confused to be honest...this last week it's been a bit like going back in time, enjoying spending time with the funny, thoughtful, considerate man I fell in love with. The abusive, raging alcoholic I threw out seems to have vanished for the time being. Someone asked me the other day if I'd consider taking him back and I replied that I'd have him back tomorrow if he could go back to how he was...

Still, I won't be rushing into anything and I need to see if this new phase lasts. And even if our relationship really has ended, the fact that we can still talk, get on well and enjoy spending time together with our daughter, has to bode well for the future and for his relationship with her.

So generally feeling pretty good about it all today! Hope everyone else is doing OK x

hells, that sounds really positive.

seems like my h is getting himself back on track too.

went out last weds and whilst he took the divorce news pretty well he did ask if we could put it on ice for a little while.

he also came prepared with a proposal for access which i have said i will think about. it involves 1 night per month on my sofa-bed so needs careful consideration.

he's agreed to babysit next monday as i have a pre-school appointment.

we actually had a very nice evening, calmly discussed a lot of painful stuff and i got what i feel to be the first real and honest apology for his behaviour.

he's said sorry before but i've never felt he really understood what he was apologising for iyswim.

i've said i'd have him back if he were the person i married again. and one day he might be that person but it won't wipe out the 2.5yrs (so far) of diabolical behaviour and i'm not sure i can ever get past that.

but i do know that having an amicable relationship with him and him being someone that i can start to trust and rely on again is actually the most important thing to me right now.

he's rented a place of his own for 6months and we are continuing to talk. in my mind, we see how the next few months go and review again.

your pub lunch sounds lovely!

Am glad your weekends have gone so well.

H is going to look at an apartment tomorrow afternoon that he is hoping to rent.

We do seem to get along better now that the 'relationship' is no longer in the way. We are just friends now and I am hoping we remain getting on well for the sake of the dc. I think our relationship just came to a natural end, as some do and we both admitted that it was probably quite a while ago.

I know I'm going the right thing as I still feel a huge weight has been lifted, and a little bit in limbo as he's still living here.

Hello nice to see people are in slightly happier places. My weekend was difficult in parts (emotionally) but I thank God for my dcs.
I am wondering how I will feel when ( I think he is going to ) stbxh announces he has met someone else. Even though I couldn't continue in the marriage I know it will hurt.

xx

A lot.

Really good to hear these positive stories paddlechick, sounds like we're in similar situations! Great that he apologised too...makes a huge difference to have your feelings validated like that. Although I can't imagine ex ever apologising to my face, he has done in a roundabout sort of way (told his mum he blames himself and his temper for everything going wrong, and he must have known it would come back to me via her).

Citronella...try not to worry too much about something that might not happen for a long time (if at all) - you may be the one telling him you've met someone lovely first! I know what you mean though...I'm struggling with the fact that I still find my ex soooo attractive and it's hard to imagine him with someone else, I think I'd want to claw her eyes out! But then I just think of all the abuse I had to take and feel sorry for the hypothetical future gf instead...

Thanks hellsbells. I think he's going to tell me today.

citronella, if he does tell you please please try and react calmly. almost try to be off hand about it.

it may be a knee-jerk reaction of his to try to get a reaction out of you.

count to 10, rise above it, have a reason to leave/end the conversation relatively soon and take yourself off in private and give yourself time to adjust to it.

hells, does seem we're in similar situations! sorry to be nosy but I just checked your profile, your kids are very gorgeous.

i work FT too and am planning dd's first festival this year!

aw citronella, sorry to hear that. echo paddlechick's advice - even if you need to have a good cry afterwards, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing it! think 'poor cow' and be as breezy as you possibly can to his face.

paddlechick - thank you so much! i think they're lovely too, but then i'm biased...not sure what to do about festies this year, don't know if i'm brave enough to do it alone with the kids, plus ex wants to sell the campervan (sob) so he can get himself a car...can't imagine a festie-free summer though so will have to work something out! where are you thinking of going? x

citronella.......my exp announced he and a mutual best friend of ours were 'sort of together' three weeks after we split (he told me 4 weeks after, they'd had a talk about their 'feelings' the week before)......i was the one who ended our relationship, but it hurt like hell. i took it very badly, not helped by the fact that we were still living under the same roof.

i'll be thinking of you today ((((hugs)))

citronella - (((hugs))) will be thinking of you.

Totally agree with Paddle and Hells...

I know it's easier said than done but try your best not to react and let him think you aren't bothered.

Then when he's gone have a bloody good cry. It's good to get your emotions out and feel them.

lol hells, H has just bought a campervan! I have asked when I can expect him to thru his mid-life crisis

i am a bit nervous about coping on my own and admit to having bought 2 adult tix as a backup and i'm sure i have a couple of friends who would come along.

who knows, h might even come if we're still on good terms. he's planning a kite surfing trip for end of may for us. mind you, i will await the evidence!

anyways, he's registered for Glasto and invited us along and i already have my Latitude tix.

tbh i'd prob skip Glasto with dd, Latitude sounds heaps more civilised with kids!

hi i know its late can i join too? Been with dh six years married for five. He has been both physically and mentally abusive. In the begining of trying to start to leave him. Have another thread on here if you wanna catch up!

Welcome mehdismummy. Sorry you are going through a tough time. It won't be easy but it will get better.

Queenrollo- That is really tough. We are also still under the same roof. Of course he may not say that but that's what i think it is.

Paddlechick666 - what are tix?

hello mehdis mummy - i'm sorry you've had such an awful time. i know how you can get so ground down by the abuse that you start to see it as normal...once you're out of that situation it's amazing how quickly your self-esteem returns. hope the transition goes as smoothly as it can for you.

paddle...was thinking about doing latitude this year, a friend of mine went last year and loved it. may suggest going to a couple with ex if he carries on behaving himself! i've got another single mum friend who lives nearby so may well team up with her for one or two. think the key might be going for the local, small family-friendly ones. oh and i've also just found out that radio 1's big weekend is going to be literally a 20 min walk from my house and have been grinning like an idiot ever since - can't wait! i'd better get tickets!

Back after a weeks break. Ex partner still being a weirdo !

Keeps going over the conversation we had when we split up nearly 3 weeks ago. Hes even gone so far as to PRETEND he had a date for Valentines by trying to make me jealous, I don't love him in that way anymore its not going to work.

I'm still at my sisters the kids are still with him and I travel back daily,I am frantically ringing estate agents and the council (who lost my records by the way!!!)

To top it all my Child Tax Credit has been stopped till they reaccess my claim as a single parent and the icing on the cake is that by the 5th of March,the kids and I could be deemed homeless and would have to go into temporary accomodation .

He refuses to go and because my name isn't on the tenancy agreement I have no rights. I just want my kids with me full time and because he has a full time job and money , he uses that as a rod to beat me with.

Its so tough, but I know that in the end the dc's and I will be happier. Hope everyone is having a better time than me atm.

(((moosh)))

Sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. I really hope your tax credits and accommodation get sorted as soon as poss! I would ring them every other day to see how things are going - if nothing else you might get on their nerves enough for them to sort it out so you don't hassle them anymore!

Is he going to kick the kids out if you don't find something by the 5th? Surely not.

Well MuthaHubbard I hope not, I'd rather them be with me all the time but would rather die than put them into temporary accomodation, they would be so scared and me too.

If the worse comes, they'll have to stay with him and get full time work straight away (was going to get full time job in Oct 08 when my youngest starts school) and then find somewhere private to rent.

I'll keep you informed I have less than 2 weeks.

I've just started another thread, hadn't seen this one, its long and no one is talking, suppose its too long to read