Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

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Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

splishsplosh, how did it go last night?

hope you're doing okay today.

fwiw, i think you've done the right thing telling your family. you will need all the support you can get.

it does change things tho and i didn't tell my family for a long long time as i didn't want their opinion of him to change. i was still of the belief that it would all be okay. my family still don't know the whole story.

as a very good MN friend often tells me, you will always have a relationship with the father of your dc. we have a huge role to play in defining what that relationship will be tho.

when their behaviour is so appalling to us they have control over us.

i am learning that i must distill as much of my own emotions out of the situation as i can. that way i can be clear on what i want the future to be.

it's taken 2.5yrs and a massive amount of support from good friends i have made here on MN to get me to this point. and i think i still have a very long way to go.

keep posting and using this resource to get yourself thru.

bollocks indeed lol!

he is so erratic tho so i am going to try incredibly hard not to get sucked back in again.

he does seem more resilient recently tho.

regardless of how the evening goes i intend to present the divorce information as a positive thing. i know he will be devastated tho but this may be what he needs and what we need to draw a line and begin a new type of relationship.

having the sun shine is helping me stay positive!

i really don't know if i want him back or even if it could ever work again given what he has done over the years.

when he's good he's fantastic, when he's bad it's a nightmare for me.

if he won't communicate i can't do any more!

Hope it goes ok on Wednesday for you PC.
My H & I have had 2 sessions with Relate now. The counsellor is very good, & if both of us were committed to saving the relationship it would be the best chance we could have. Unfortunately H just carries on in the same way after we leave the sessions. Nothing seems to be sinking in. I think he is only going because he`s been told it will look good if we end up in court.
Just got to get through another 4 sessions now before we can really move on by progressing to the Family Mediation. Thankfully the same person who does the Relationship counselling also does the FM, so it should make things easier. (Hopefully)
Im just in limbo at the moment waiting till we can do the FM & agree a financial split, then we can sell the house & I finally get him out of my life. Im quite happy to wait 2 years before Divorcing. Its getting him out of my life (as much as is humanly possible where dc are concerned) thats my aim so I can move on with my life, WITHOUT HIM!!!

Thanks PC.
Well he's gone, though hasn't really taken anything with him. I think he's planning to come round tomorrow afternoon for some stuff. He seems to have plans to stay some nights here... not sure about that, but we'll see. At least he seems to have moved on from self pitying despair mode into a more determined: "this is my last chance if I want to be with my family" mode. I hope it lasts, and that this is the motivation he needs to sort himself out. I think our relationship has been damaged a lot by his behaviour, but I hope we can maybe have a future together one day.
Though actually at the moment I'm quite enjoying the peace!

Hope things work out the way you want them to SS.

It's horrible, this 'limbo' period isn't it? Ex has informed me it'll take at least 2 months to find somewhere to live and in the meantime he wants to come and see our daughter at our house. He's still letting himself in with his key which I don't like.

His behaviour hasn't got any better - Thursday evening his mum's boyfriend had a stroke so she was up till 3am in the hospital with him. She's a carer and works 12 hour days for not very much money. Friday night he was crashing on her sofa, took money off her and went down the pub with it, told her he'd be back at 8pm (as she had no spare key so she'd have to stay up to let him in and she was exhausted) and finally crashed in the door at midnight. His response to her telling him what an arse he was being was that he would 'throw himself in the river' - which was exactly what he'd say to me any time I criticised his behaviour. Emotional blackmail of the worst kind. His mum was round at mine crying her eyes out over it all on Saturday morning

But then yesterday he came over and we took the kids to the park and then went for a quick beer and he was actually really nice to everyone. He can be OK, but he still refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour or consider other people's feelings, and the more he behaves like this the more I realise I can't possibly live with a man like this. So while he's making me angry still and frankly I'm ashamed that my daughter's father is such a prize wanker, in a way it all confirms that breaking up was the right thing to do for my/my kids' sanity

for you hells, seems the only person he's thinking of at the mo is himself.

I'm hoping to have another word with h tonight to see how/if he is progressing with his flat.

He is saying that he is hoping to come round everyday after work and the majority of the weekends to see the kids. Which is fine in principal and obviously good that he wants to see them as much as possible. But there's this little voice at the back of my mind saying - well you'll be seeing him everyday, more or less the same as when you were together. He even said that I'd be able to make his tea and do his washing - I don't do that now because we are bloody separating!!!!

I know it probably sounds bad but I am splitting with him so I can move on with my life and be happy, yet he's always going to be there?!? We joked that when I get a new boyfriend, when he comes round for tea, h will be there at the head of the table.

Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead but I do want some of my own space and how will he react if I do start to see someone?

No wonder our brains turn to mush sometimes!

What total @rseholes these men are!
What on earth makes them think they have the right to carry on as they please & we just have to put up with it.
Where is your H staying hellsbells? is it where he damn well feels like at the time like mine? Mine refuses to officially move out, yet he only stays here 2 or 3 nights a week, as & when he chooses.
MH, I wouldnt agree to let your H do exactly as he pleases, (or perhaps you should just say what he wants to hear until he moves out ) There is no way you should have to put up with him coming round every day. Sort out some sensible contact arrangements through Mediation if you can get no sense out of talking to him.

I know what you mean sparkle - but at the moment I admit that I am going along with alot because a) I do want him to see the kids a lot, b) maybe I am saying what he wants to hear till he moves and c) because I feel guilty as I'm the one instigating the split!

im about to go thru this any ideas how to break it to him with my 18 mo do i chicken it and do it by letter he's away so cant tello him as he has to drive back from london

but dont want to send her to nursery as he drives and i dont and i dont want him taking her

any ideas ??? tia

Could you tell the nursery that morning that no-one is allowed to pick her up other than yourself?

When I told h I wanted to split, we actually went out to lunch and discussed it properly as we were in public and therefore no shouting/argueing etc. But there was no 'taking the kids' option with us.

Is it highly likely he'll try to take her? Could you leave her with a family member/friend or arrange for them to pick her up early?

he's sofa-hopping at the moment - has apparently been offered lodgings at a friend of his mum's round the corner - am wondering whether i have the moral duty to inform this poor woman that (a) he seems to regard paying rent as optional and (b) he has a tendency to come home pissed and punch holes in the walls, or whether to keep my gob shut in the hope of getting him out of my house...

I know it sounds mean, but I wouldn't say anything. If she does take him in and he behaves like a twunt, she won't put up with it, unlike you or I would iyswim.

Hi all

Watching this with interest. today dh admitted that the relationship is over. He won't do anything about it and I'm a coward too.

Just been online to look for lawyers in my areas. Feel alone and lost and not sure if I can go through with this.

Hope you all doing OK. YOu are braver than me.

I've been wanting to split up woth partner for ages because of his behaviour - now, he finally moved out at the weekend, but seems to plan to sleep here most of the time!
His excuse is that he can get to work more easily from here, and he's had issues with lateness etc at work because of his problems, so if it happens again he'll probably lose his job, but I still don't see that it justifies him staying here at his convenience.

If we're to have a future together at some point, he needs to have proved he's sorted himself out, I want to be free of the anxieties of living with him / not trusting him / wondering if he'll be home / what will he be like etc. He does seem to be doing the right things towards changing, but surely I shouldn't have to have him here all the time?

He would never leave before when I asked him, and I feel like he thinks he can do as he pleases - it's always about him.

Sounds like from other people's stories that he's not the only one to be having like this

Hello Huggymummy and ontheedge.
Ontheedge - are you worried about talking to him? Is this going to be a total shock for him? Are you concerned about how he's going to react?
Huggymummy - how do you feel about the relationship? Do you feel like it's over too, or were you happy?

Ah splishsplosh your post struck such a chord with me. I too am 8 weeks pregnant and have 2 DSs 4 & 2.
Pregnant or not I have decided I can no longer tolerate my husbands? verbally abusive, manipulative behavior. He works full time, I 3 days a week but does nothing to help me since we both became parents.
He has had several warnings about his behavior; one warning even came in the form of me being seriously ill and hospitalised for a month then taking another 4 to recover. He experienced in my absence just how much hard work parenting and working was and he promised the world blaming his lack of co-operation for my illness but as they say action speaks louder than words and there?s been zero action.
We agreed to sell the family home when I fell pregnant to move closer to family but his behavior has become so intolerable I told him on Saturday night I was not going to a new home with him once the house was sold but I?m leaving him.
My God, he is a man crushed, crying, begging forgiveness, begging for a second chance, proclaiming love etc
After urging him for 4 years to see a marriage councilor he has agreed, I?ve made an appointment out of sheer curiosity, it will take a ?Jesus turning water into wine? type miracle to make me change my mind.
Last night he was online looking for a medical condition for his cruelness and insensitivity and has self diagnosed bipolar, apparently he?s making a doctors appointment, another thing I?ve been urging him to do.
He thinks I?m buying all this crap and I?m going to change my mind its just too, too late, I only have my dignity left and I got to get out before he rips that to shreds too.
The most upsetting thing of all is after calling me lunatic and mental several times over the years he broke down and confessed he has always been conscious of what he has been doing to me but at a loss as how to stop !
I don?t want to be a single mother of 3 struggling emotionally, physically and financially and I so want to say I?ve changed my mind lets give it another shot but I daren?t, I know I?ll regret it, I do not believe he is capable of change.
He cooked me a marvelous meal last night and keeps cuddling me and holding me, I understand its hard for me but its making me feel uncomfortable especially when last night he tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I pushed him away and then felt like sh*t .
See what I mean, I?ve told him I?ve had enough but he still has control over me because I should be able to bluntly say I don?t want physical contact but I?m always empathising with his feelings, why??????????

Treadmillion..........you empathise with his feelings because despite all the reasons you have for ending the reationship you do still care about him to some degree. he is the father of your children etc. but still caring for someones feelings doesn't mean you can or should stay in a relationship with him.

sorry people on this thread are having such a tough time at the moment. hugs all round.....

Hope everyone is battling through ok its been a while since I've been on.

God my ex has really done it tonight. I actually think I hate him as much as he hates me.
Because I finished it he is being really nasty to me and because I have no where to live, I have had to leave the kids there and I travel back every morning to get them ready and as soon as he gets in from work I leave them to stay at my mums or my sis's.

I am going to drive back and get them now as he seems really angry with me and god knows what he is saying to them. I don't think he'll harm them but he is unpredictable at the moment and I don't trust him. They are better sleeping on a sofa with me than they are with him.

I'll keep you all posted.

thinking of you moosh......

it seems i'm one of the very lucky ones on here as things are amicable between me and my ex, but i guess thats because he agreed there was nothing but friendship between us anymore.

((((hugs)))) moosh. Fingers crossed for you and hope things go well.

I was very nearly in the same position (leaving the kids at home but seeing them every day - similar to what you do now) but thankfully my h came round. I know that you probably thought it would be the least amount of disruption for them but maybe a bit of distruption at this early stage would be better for you and them.

Things are still amicable for me but I keep wondering how long it will last. He seems to have stalled on the flat/house hunting front so I am going to take the bull by the horns tomorrow and ring some places up and arrange appointments for him. Men!

Can I join in too?
I can't give too much detail for legal reasons but suffice it to say that I have called it quits after a long marriage. We are only some way along the process.We have 2 los. A lot of the feelings and situations on this thread have struck a chord. Most days I feel incredibly strong because I have a focus - to make a happier life but some days like yesterday I can be in a very bad place. Even if you are the one deciding to call it a day, emotions can be very confusing at times.

Anyway, to all of you on here, you are not alone and I pray for lots of strength to get you where you are going

xx

Welcome Citronella.......although i'm sure you'd rather not be here

hugs all round......

Hello all,
hope your'e all ok today, specially as its valentines. It suddenly hit me today whilst in tesco, this is the first valentines day in 20 years that I've not had a card or flowers Was gonna treat myself to some, but they didnt want to pay ott lol

Something I've been wondering about and wonder if its just me or do others feel the same? or am I just really nasty to think this? Hubby left in Oct had been having an affair, not sure for how long, he says its 18mths< I reckon its either 3 or 4 years. they are now living together I havnt done anything about starting divorce proceedings just yet, one of the reasons, is that I think to myself, ( and this is the thing that I'm wondering if its just me. should anything happen to him, she would get all the money, dont see why she should after I've put up with him for many years. Not that I'm wishing anything to happen to him or , but sods law it would and shed be pockets in. ( ooh that sounds really bad having written it down)!!

He's been quite an arse over the children, (4) and I spose I'm still at the angry stage? mmmm dunno really....

Why should you be feeling bad. If you want to divorce him you would be perfectly within your rights to divorce him on grounds of adultery. You need to concentrate on you and your children now. And of course you're angry!!