Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

[paperchain]

Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

Haven't been about much but wanted you all to know I've been thinking about you.

RL has taken over a bit and I've applied for tax credits and even arranged for h to view a flat today.

Things seem to be going ok and we are getting on as friends should.

The only thing I am dreading now is telling the dc. Am thinking of saying something like - dad and me have decided that we are just going to be friends as we get on better that way.

Then my mind goes blank...

muthahubbard-thats what we told DS when we first split.
that we both loved him very much and we would always be his mum and dad but that we got on better as friends, he came to accept it, i think he knows already whats going to happen cos on holiday he asked were me and his dad going to get a divorce and when i asked him why he said you have nothing in common and all you do is argue.

We told our two last night that mummy and daddy will get on better as friends and that they will be lucky as they will have TWO homes TWO bedrooms full of toys but as I said in previous post ds1 aged 8 took it so badly and then ds2 aged 3 cried because I think he saw ds1 being so upset.

My ex and I are civil infront of the children but he is understandibly angry and is very nasty to me on the phone when the kids are not there. I'm not bothered I feel liberated now I feel like I can breathe.

I have to sort out the money situation see what benefits I can get as I only work Saturdays and sort out the accomodation as he refuses to move out as the flat is in his name.

Thank god I have a supportive sis and her husband who have taken us in. I told the ds2's nursery teacher and ds1's teacher at school just incase they noticed any strange signs today.

All I know is that in 6 months time I will be sorted out, life won't be easy but I'll be aiming for a happier life with just me and my children (and in a few years time maybe a hunky man on the side .

Just want to say hugs to all, crappy time we all seem to be going through, I've now accepted that dh no longer loves me and isn't coming back, tho the shit did come last night and proceeded to moan on at me about work and other things (er we aint together anymore so go moan to someone else I felt like telling him) feel so much like my old self again and i actually wanted him to go but had stupidly made him a cuppa. Life is what we make it I suppose and I do have some nights out to look forward too.

Have to say I don't want to be friends with dh and am being very polite and calm now, just hope one day he realises what he's lost

Hi, Only just found this thread.
My story is similar to a lot on here.
Been married 9 years. H informed me a few months ago that he hasnt loved me since 6 months after our wedding. (Around the time I had our first child ) Apparently everything is my fault, though he cant give any reasons why. He doesnt see that he has to change at all, despite the fact that I could write pages & pages detailing his terrible behaviour towards me over the years. He treats me like cr@p, refuses to consider how his behaviour is upsetting to the dc & refuses to move out of the house. I filed for Divorce last week, then changed my mind because I refuse to do what he wants me to do & allow him to paint me as "the bad guy", "the instigator"
He actually agreed to come to Relate with me last week, but has ignored all of the advice given. I really feel that he only went because his solicitor told him it will look better on him should we end up in court.
Just need to get the f*g b*d out now!

jenk1 - that does sound a little sad but also a bit positive? in that ds seems to be understanding and accepting the situation and knows that you'll both be happier apart.

moosh - i have the same feeling of liberation but as though there's still a bit of a lid on it as h is still living here. we are getting on well but I know I will feel so much better when h moves out. Am sure your dc will be okay. Yes it will be upsetting for them as sometimes they don't like change, but they adapt amazingly quickly and once they see how happy you are, things will be better I'm sure.

TLV - i've followed a few of your threads and it's amazing how strong you are. Fair enough you've had some hiccups along the way, but you seem to have turned a corner. His loss mate. He will realise what he's lost one day but by then it will be far too late and you will be happy without him.

SP - Sorry but your h sounds like a bit of a cock. How can it be all your fault? Is he not in the relationship? It could be that he's just 'making an effort' for the sake of it unfortunately, so he can turn round and say he 'tried'. Yeah whatever.

H went to look at a flat yesterday and he's gone to have a word with the owner today. Fingers crossed he gets something sorted. It's been okay living together as we've been getting on okay - now the relationship is no longer there, we are more like friends. But, I feel as though my life and happiness is on hold until he goes. I know that sounds incredibly selfish!!!

I sat down and worked out my finances and I will definitely not be rolling in it but you know what, I might be poorer but I'll be a darn sight happier I think!! And, more importantly and fingers crossed, my dc will be happy too.

But on a note - I have broken out in teenage acne!

Dear lord I hope it goes when the stress does otherwise I'll be spending my few spare pennies on clearasil for me and ds!

oh god can I join.

I'm a mess today. Yesterday I was doing stuff and getting the divorce process started, and then last night I was thinking oh my god this is 11years of my life thrown away.... and this morning the boiler broke and all I want to do is curl up in a ball until everything is OK again, but I cant because I have two little girls.......

I am relieved to be out of the marriage tho, and my family and friends are all rallying around, but it's 11years of my life, and it hurts so much......

Things don`t seem to be looking up for me much lately.

Feel so alone aswell

Ive got 10 weeks till LO arrives and if im honest im looking forward to the birth but im so scared.

Xp has said he doesn`t want to be at the birth he would rather stay outside as we are not in a relationship anymore (his words not mine)

My step moms going to be at the birth

DDs only just gone 3 so god knows how i will cope.

soverytired i also feel like i`ve wasted 7 years of my life, if only i could have seen the future!!!

Can i join this too
I split up with exdp after 5 years before xmas
even though i dont hes an idiot, hes now seeing a 20 year old, and im finding it so far to deal with it, any advice would be appriciated

feck it, just wrote a long reply to you svt and moap and deleted it!!

Was along the lines of we all have down days but could you imagine being so very unhappy for another 7/11 years? Yeah it's a big chunk of time but, and I know it's a cliche, life is very short and you only have one.

H and i were together for 14 years. One of the things that helped me make up my mind was that I couldn't go another year being so unhappy and loney, never mind another 14.

My boiler has been leaking for around 4 months, my fire isn't working and there's sumthing up with my bedroom light - and h is still here!

Could excuse to get a tasty workman in to fix things and leer over. Mind you, the guy that fitted my heating/fire was more a 'full fat coke and 8 pies' man than a 'diet coke break' guy.

Everyone has down days, but soon the good WILL outweigh the bad.

And in a way it's not wasted, as you have fab dc to show for it.

"Mind you, the guy that fitted my heating/fire was more a 'full fat coke and 8 pies' man than a 'diet coke break' guy. "

That made me laugh MuthaHubbard, first time today.

MOAP, people keep telling me and I utterly agree that the time spent in the relationship with H was not a compelte waste as we have two gorgeous children, and the same with for you as well.
I just wish I could skip forward to whenever it is I'm over it him.

I'm not generally the kind of woman who gets very dramatic about true love and soul mates and stuff, but I did love him a lot and my friends have said they knew for a logn time he was a complete arse, but couldnt tell me to dump him as it was up to me to decide.... I never could see it you know.
But sitting tlaking the past over with friends and fmaily, I've come to realise I was the classic text book abused woman, and I never did see it, he did everything one reads about an abusive partner doing and I never saw it. He was physically and mentally abusive, he tried to isolate me from my fmaily and friends, and tried to make me financially dependant on him, firstly by trying (usuccessfully) to make me fail exams (by picking arguments the night before I was due to sit exams or even the morning of the exam), and recently by trying to get me to quit my job but something just told me not to.

I remember aaaages ago I started a thread asking opinions about an oufit and whether it would be appropriate for work, as H wouldnt let me wear my combat pants as he reckoned they were come hither. Cod tried to point out that H was a twat (she never used that word dont think), but I never listened.........but she had a point.

Glad I made you laugh!!

How on earth can combat pants be 'come hither'?!? What planet is he on?

I had a discussion with my family before xmas and that also opened my eyes and confirmed that they knew my h was an arse and he had been for many years. Sometimes taking a step back and seeing things as other people do is a huge eye-opener.

Thank you both

Thing thing is no one thought my xp was an arse, everyone liked him, my family loved him.

I just don`t know why he cheated and left me for OW

Actually i do, she`s 18 no commitments fun fun fun!!!!

He was a very nice man, and i never ever saw it coming.

He was never interested in anyone else till lil miss trap opens her legs and he falls for the look at me i`m better then your gf!

Sorry for ranting on, there both to blame i know

This is the place to rant.

I know it might be hard but you have to remember that he's no longer the man he was and you fell in love with, iyswim?

Of course you still have feelings for the old him, not the cock that he is now.

And I don't believe for a minute she is better than you. He was just not man enough to grow up and realise that he is a father and real life isn't a walk in the park. She just pestered him, talked a load of bollocks and offered him the chance to revert back to being a teenager.

And who would want a guy like that? Oh yes, a teenager.

I see what you mean MuthaHubbard

I`m sure all this going out, working together etc will soon wear thin.

I do love the man he used to be, not the man he is now.

Everything about hims changed, even his bloody hair, hes had it cut and now he looks like hes trying to hard to look 18 like her lol

Last night i was so down and now i look back to what i put and thought, no way is she better then me.

I didn`t cheat, lie, and come into her family home and sleep with her partner!

I am so much better off now

have instructed solicitor to proceed with divorce.

h will get the papers in the next few days.

am really

can't decide whether to text/msn him and let him know (he won't pick up the phone if i called) or just let the papers land on him.

PC - am sure you know deep down it's he right thing to do?

Did he know you were going to solicitor? How will he react if you don't tell him?

it probably is, but it's not what i ever wanted.

we discussed it at christmas. i expect he will be devastated but it will ultimately be all about how dreadful it is for him.

he's had over 2.5yrs to work at this and he hasn't so............

i think the fact that he says one thing and does another hurts more than anything else tbh

PC im so for you. 2.5yrs is a long time and he hasnt even tried

This is not what we wanted for our DCs is it?

I thought mine was the best man in the world everyone used to tell me, if only they knew he was a lieing cheating (bleep) mind you they still talk to him so maybe they dont mind what hes done to his pregnant ex.

He refuses to talk about anything, like everythings o.k and we can be friends etc etc

Hi, can I join you?

I've wanted to split up with partner for ages, but haven't been able to make the break. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and told my family about what he's like, and he's agreeed to leave cos at last he realises I mean it.

He has to sort himself out if we're ever to get back together, and I'm not sure he will. He was talking yesterday about how his life will fall apart, and how he can never come back to me anyway now my family know things.

He's already planning on coming back tonight, his first night of moving out - I'm sad our family is falling apart, but I can't tolerate his behaviour anymore.

I'm nearly 7 weeks pg (though paranoid after a mc, so not wanting to be too hopeful) and scared of being on my own with 2 young children. At the moment I'm holding on to the anger at the way he's behaved, but I think when he goes I'll be so sad. I'm already feeling guilty that dd will see less of her daddy.

Sorry for the long post

Hey, how's everyone doing?

Sorry to hear things are difficult for you at the mo ss - and it sounds like he's assuming that you are going to be there for him to fall back on, when ideally you want to be moving on with your dc and being happy.

Did you tell your h about the divorce papers PC or has he received them by now? He may be upset but you honestly couldn't carry on when it sounds like you've given him so many chances. Everyone has a limit.

MOAP - you are correct in that your ex is a knob. If he sat and thought about it he would realise how ashamed of himself he should be and maybe he's not told his friends everything because of that.

I'm feeling a bit weird at the mo. H and I have agreed to split and I've applied for tax credits (as I'm part time) and helped him look for a flat. But he's still here and I feel a bit in 'limbo' if you see what I mean....I plucked up the courage to end it but nothings changed.

And we've decided not to tell the children that we are going to split until he phsyically moves out to avoid confusion. Which is fair enough.

I want to move on and all of us be happy but just feel like I'm stuck.

MH, no i haven't mentioned it yet. they arrived all wrong so they have to be amended.

would you believe on the same day H pops up and wants to take me to dinner on valentines day!

i've agreed to see him weds instead and will speak to him about it then.

not sure what the outcome will be.

honestly at this point i just want us to be able to communicate normally and for him to be an active parent.........

Oh bollocks!

Hope it goes well Weds. I find it easier to talk in that type of environment personally. You actually talk instead of getting distracted or arguing because you are in public.

Fingers crossed for you.