Support thread: for those contemplating/going through a break up

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Me. I need all the support I can get if I am to hold it togehter through this.

Others join in?

Hello knifeforkspoon you're in good company here. I will check your other thread.

Well, it wasn't what i thought it was about. Just that he basically hates me as much as i hate him (although my feelings of hatred are abating a teeny weeny bit to thinking/imagining we might possibly get on in the future). I am have made his life a misery and he can't stand the type of person i am. .

I couldn't really expect anything else could I?

knifeforkspoon, what's your thread called.

Anyway, anyone got any bright ideas as to how not to become a bitter single middle aged mother cos that's what s2bx reckons i have become? Red rag and all that...

Hello, would like to join. Found out last friday that dh had an affair for a year. He denied it to the last until I found the hotel booking, explicit emails etc. He still loves me but I don't know if I love him anymore. He doesn't love the OW but that doesn't really change how I feel at the moment. I don't know what to do but feel myself constantly under pressure to make a decision. Don't want it to drag on. We've been married for 8 years, together 10 before that. We have a 3 1/2 yr ds. Relationship happy and strong til the last (or so I thought).

hi there findingstrength........

do you think going to Relate would help?

is it possible to ask your dh to move out for a short while so you can have some space to think about this?

Hello findingstrength.

Really sorry you are going through this agony. If this is the first challenge in your relationship i think i would second queenrollo's suggestions of Relate and space to yourself. Have you had a chance to probe him/discuss why he had this affair?

hi knifeforkspoon and findingstrength.

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat. Stay as strong as you can.

Citronella - feel for you and hoping that he will get past thinking such nonsense and you'll get on. You probably both need a little more time.

Moosh - hope all is well with you, any more joy with housing yet?

Hi muthahubard, queenrollo and citronella (citronella you posted on my thread porn and internet dating - sorry you are going through difficult time ).

It's the first challenge - BUT a pretty major one. He has to sort out issues before we can do couple counselling. At the moment, I am not sure if he is worth the effort. Even though he took the week off work to try and talk and has been doing his best around the house to cook, clean, give me space. It all seems incredibly inadequate.

Citronella, my ex hates me as well, really can't stand the site of me one minute, then nice as pie the next. Hes really beginning to freak me out actually.

No luck with housing thanks for asking MuthaHubbard, I spent most of this morning in tears for the 1st time. Not because I regret anything, its the not knowing where me and my ds's are going to be living in 2 weeks time.

I am so desperate that I am looking for a fulltime job to maybe rent privately. (Or a nice rich man wouldn't go a miss at this precise moment in time !

Hi to anyone that has joined in the last few days, hope you are all staying strong. We'll get through it.

Moosh - sorry things are still up in the air. Could you actually bear to move back in with him? Is there a spare room you or he can move in, maybe even with a tv so you will have time apart in the evenings?

I have a number somewhere which bypasses the main tax credit number - will dig it out for you (my h works for inland revenue so we can't use the normal number for some reason - usually gets answered straightaway.

Is there no friends or family or friend of a friend who could put you up at all? Is there no way he could move out for a little while until you are all sorted?

Am so sorry you are having such a crap time at present.

Yes i know that really nice one minute then full then all bossy the next and can't stomach the fact that i won't be bossed around.

Anyway I did have a good laugh today - at the "skidmarks" thread. Should go in the MN classics. Haven't had such a good giggle in ages!

Hey, how's everyone doing?

H said to me this morning he'll ring later to speak to me....which he never does. I've rung him twice to ask what he wants and he said he'll chat to me later when he gets home as there were people in his office. This has got me wondering what he wants to say as we never usually talk!

Last time we spoke was wednesday and I was telling him about two houses round the corner from us that were up for rent and he told me the last flat he went to look at wasn't suitable

It'll probably be nothing but it's just got me thinking - oh what does he want now? Not in the mood for him today as I was feeling dizzy yesterday (well a bit more than normal anyway) and ended up getting sick. His only comment was to ask me if I'd finished being bulemic Just fed up with him at the mo!!

I know some of you are going through worse things but he's really getting my back up just by being here!

i've been and had coffee with a friend this morning who has just come out of a 30 year relationship......and he had another friend there who is in the process of leaving her partner. Sitting and chatting it was amazing how many parallells there are in what we are all dealing with. His friend was very reassured after talking to me, as she is in a similar position as i was.......the relationship being more one of best friends than lovers.

It's so very comforting to be able to talk this stuff through with others.

Ex-dp dropped ds off this afternoon and we had coffee and a chat and a real good laugh too......both rolling around playing rough and tumble with ds. It really is true that i had a child with my best friend and i am so sad that the love has gone and we can't all live under the same roof. Even though we both have new partners and are happy.......i still have this huge sadness that my ds will never have the 'normal' homelife that i wanted for him. I'm really struggling about the future and how ds is going to deal with me being the one who moved out.

queenrollo - please don't worry too much about your ds (I know that's easier said than done).

He still has two wonderful parents who get on spectacularly and love him to pieces - what more could a little boy want. Family comes in all shapes and sizes these days and as long as he knows you love him and want the very best for him then I'm sure he will be fine.

When you actually chat about these things with people, it is really amazing at how many are going through similar situations - that there is no love or relationship between them anymore, just a friendship. Some are happy with that but others aren't and decide to split. I think that sometimes the latter are quite brave.

Ive agreed to let H take my girls out by himself tomorrow. This is the first time he has ever had them for an entire day all by himself. Id love to be a fly on the wall to see how he copes, especially with the youngest, who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. He`ll probably take them to somebody elses house so he doesnt have to deal with them by himself.

queenrollo - agree, don't be hard on yourself. It's good that you and your h get along.

After trawling through some divorce websites (just to get some info - not seriously considering iyswim)I think things may be turning a corner. We've communicated mainly by letter as it's been hard for me to talk/look at him. Yesterday we talked a bit. He offered to move into a b+b (after me asking him to go all week) and suddenly I realised that wasn't what I wanted. I used ds as and excuse - but maybe it's me too.

The real turning point was him telling his sis. He really looks up to her and she worships him. I knew it would be a really hard thing for him to do as obviously she would be bitterly disappointed in him. But I felt it was important for him to do it - that somehow it would make what he had done real (therefore less likely to happen again).

Now that he has done that I feel there is some hope.

queenrollo - agree, don't be hard on yourself. It's good that you and your h get along.

After trawling through some divorce websites (just to get some info - not seriously considering iyswim)I think things may be turning a corner. We've communicated mainly by letter as it's been hard for me to talk/look at him. Yesterday we talked a bit. He offered to move into a b+b (after me asking him to go all week) and suddenly I realised that wasn't what I wanted. I used ds as and excuse - but maybe it's me too.

The real turning point was him telling his sis. He really looks up to her and she worships him. I knew it would be a really hard thing for him to do as obviously she would be bitterly disappointed in him. But I felt it was important for him to do it - that somehow it would make what he had done real (therefore less likely to happen again).

Now that he has done that I feel there is some hope.

Well my ex STILL hates me, its getting really DRAB now listening to him drone on about how I have ruined the children's lives by putting my feelings first.. He is constantly texting me (nasty texts, name calling and then other weird ones like, how do you work the washing machine?) and because the kids are with him I can't turn my phone off incase there is a problem with one of them and I need to get to them quickly.

So I tend to just ignore him when I go round to the flat to tend to my children. I cried for the first time on Thursday because trying to sort out accomodation, benefits, should I return to work, should I not? It just all got on top and all he could say was "You chose to split up with me, you made your bed bla bla bla........."

I think he seriously thinks I regret what I have done, no I haven't, not for a single second. My only regret is the suffering my two beautiful boys are going through with me not being there all the time for them till I can find us somewhere to live.

Sorry for ranting hope everyone else is doing good.

Aw moosh it sounds like you are doing your best to sort practical things out for your boys and you. How often do you get to see them at the moment?
I also get the same kind of rubbish like "you will bring them up terribly,in an any old way will do because that's what you're like". "stop trying to control me and my life" (one of the reasons I've called it a day is his domineering bossy manner)and thinks I'm now regretful if I get upset. I know for sure this is the right thing but it doesn't make it easy. Then today I got the "you're still my w, mother of my kids and friend".

I too can't wait until I can move out.

god, it's so weird coming on here and hearing how everyone is having to deal with similar crap...
ex has been LOVELY for the last few weeks, as i said a while back. friday night we were up talking til 2am, really talking, like we never had before. he told me i was a good person and a fantastic mother, and how he really wanted us to stay close friends. we had a huge hug and then off to separate bedrooms.
he stayed over again last night and i had a tough time with the kids this morning. DS refused to put his school shoes on so i ended up yelling at him, then DD hit me really hard when i was changing her nappy, and i was so wound up from the incident with DS i ended up yelling at her too (not proud of either of these incidents but sometimes you just snap - i'm usually v. patient with them). ex came charging into the room yelling at me about how if i carry on like this social services will get involved, how i'm driving him insane, how dare i accuse him of having a temper when i'm just as bad - i just kind of stood there open-mouthed, he's like bloody jekyll and hyde! then i told him to pack it in, that he was constantly trying to make out everything was my fault when we were together and he's not doing it now. on friday night he told me he blamed himself and his temper for ruining all his relationships, now suddenly i'm the one with the problems! god it's pathetic - i was just starting to respect him again and he's managed to wipe all that out again. just want him to get the hell away from me and sort his life out....

hb, your post sounds so similar to incidents that have happened with me and my ex, things will get easier, take everything day by day

thanks - what is it with these men eh?? he was full of apologies this evening but it was a useful reminder of just why i threw him out in the first place...

well its been nearly a month since i posted and unfortunately nothing has changed.

DH has finally agreed to move out this weekend.

He has been to see a pschotherapist two weeks ago who told him that the way he has been treating me and the kids can be classed as mental abuse and to stop it straightaway.

he hasnt so the other night i told him i want him to go, that i have no feelings for him,
he still tried to get into bed with me.

he will never ever change and ive done all my crying over him, im not spending/wasting a single more moment of my time over him.

am hoping he will stick to his word and go on friday but i suspect there will be fireworks, there was last time.

i know ive made the right decision.

Good luck and big hugs for you jenk1. Sorry it has come to this but it does sound like its the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier!

How come he went to see the phycotherapist?
I dont think theres anything anyone could say to get my H to do the right thing & leave. The lady from CAMHS spoke to him last week about the damage his behaviour is doing to the kids, but it made no difference because he simply cant see it himself.