In laws doing my head in, midlife crisis and what to do next?

[Onceuponawhileago]

Hello good people of Mumsnet. Long term user - namechanged.

I'm M 49 and my wife is 50. Together 23 years, two kids 15 and 12.
I come from a different background than my wife, mine is working class, history of sexual abuse and subsequent addiction and alcohol issues. I went through many years of counselling and addiction suport and got better.

My wife comes from a wealthy background- in our relationship we are pretty good together. We share children stuff, I do most of the cleaning, house organising and any ongoing repairs etc as its an old house. My wife is not really into cleaning and more messy than me, I figure that cleanliness matters to me so I do it for me rather than have arguments about it. Cannot get a cleaner - too remote.

Years ago we started living close to her parents- their house is on a farm, ours on the farm too and so we see them most days. I would say her parents are essentially kind but not very empthatic, tone deaf sometimes and oblivious to poorer people and especially my kind of background. Often they just 'dont understand' why we dont have a cleaner or repair the house etc. Its because we are on average salaries living in a house that requires more upkeep than we can afford. My wife will inherit a lot of money so in a way she feels she should stay close to her parents and also its her family home and will inherit farm etc.

Her parents farm the land but badly so lots of stuff falling down etc. They want full contol of their farm and are gettting more difficult as they age so wont accept suggestions of getting in help on the farm even though they have millions in the bank and could easily pay for a nicer life.

I'm not money motivated, happy in my job, grew up with very little.

I am really worn down by constantly having in laws in my life- every day, thinking about how we will manage as they get older, how we will get them to accept help etc.

My wife just trudges on, is happy to just be as is.
I have a fantasy of a smaller house, no in laws, less cleaning and an easier, smaller and peaceful life.

I dont think I want to seperate- thats a big price to pay for a simple life plus impact on kids. Because I grew up with very little I have no attachment to this place or to wealth.

Happy for advice.

My wife rides and manages all competitions with kids. The responsiblity is shared in that I'm the one that turns them out every morning when kids are at school, brings them in, holds them for vet and farrier etc, gets feed, hay, unloads hay. On competition days I go to supermarket and have dinner ready when they come home. Enough equal?

I think I do my share and Im kind and helpful.

I'm trying to imagine MN telling a women that she needs to learn to drive a horse box to support her husband's Big Hobby and ambitions for his kids.

I'm failing.

I know @saraclara when I saw @MMmomDD and @unname posts I smiled. Reflexive contrarianism at its best with just a sprinkle of Nadine Dorries style logic.... An interesting narrative. Maybe we should get more men on here to critique my wife? Off I go to get my horsebox test application in...

@Onceuponawhileago

Interesting.
Nothing on my chest.
But you clearly only see your side of the story and in that story you are the martyr.
And intensity of your resentment of your W and her family is pulpable. I am sure lots of reasons for they.
I do feel sorry for your W, the more you paint her as the villain, the more it seems questionable to me.

Steady now.

I don't think OP paints wife as villain, to the contrary actually he's trying to understand and fix

Yup, you're in charge op arn't you.

Even better if those pesky inlaws were out of the way.

Operant conditioning, how you can make your wife the best she can be, what a comment.

I'm certainly in charge of the majority of the cleaning anyhow, thats what brought me here.

I do wonder if your DW has ADHD. I do and the inability to imagine the future is very real. For many of us with ADHD time has no real structure. There is only Now and Not Now. When people talk about a five year plan it's like a foreign language. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow until it arrives! It's very difficult to live with, for both me and my family. It also makes me unreliable as I promise things will change but then they just... disappear.

The shame is also very real, as is the paralysis of not knowing what response will keep you out of trouble with your partner.

I suggest you do some looking into ADHD and see if it reminds you of DW. It could be helpful in learning more effective ways to communicate.

I don't think OP paints wife as villain, to the contrary actually he's trying to understand and fix

Turning his wife into a project is acceptable in what parallel universe?

Fixing things and people is a trauma response as is the total detachment from home and family on an emotional level that the OP is displaying.

I think he needs to go back to therapy to find out how he can manage the impulse to identify problems both animate and inanimate in his environment and fix them.

The best therapy would be to pen all this into a TV drama series. I'm thinking Catherine Cookson crossed with Jilly Cooper plus a good dash of Upstairs Downstairs. Working title, Maggie's Farm
Cast
Bob, the downtrodden hero with a troubled past and an inferiority complex, but also a delusion that all things can be fixed. Comes from somewhere Grim Up North. I'm picturing Stephen Graham in the role.
Amanda, the weepy wife who suffers from Peter Pan syndrome. i.e. refuses to grow up. Believes cobwebs are for life, not just Halloween. Her only ambition in life is to be the mother of Olympic showjumpers
Pippa and Tarquin, the entitled and revoltingly messy brats awaiting their inheritance. Troubles escalate when they buy Daddy a packet of Marigold rubber gloves for Xmas as a joke. Daddy's response is to drag them away to watch Tranmere Rovers instead of competing in the weekend gymkhana.
Wilbur, the vomitous dog. Jealous of all the attention paid to the ponies, pukes regularly. Particularly after the kitchen floor has been cleaned.
Margaret, the overbearing MIL with a fixation on table settings. Always counts the silverware after Bob has suffered through one of her mutton casserole dinners. Keeps a copy of Debretts Peerage on her bedside table. Her shameful secret is that Amanda was fathered by a passing tramp who bore an uncanny resemblance to Edward VII
Giles, the FIL. Swallows industrial quantities of viagra each morning before going off to commune with his beasts. Can't understand why that conservative chappie MP had to resign over looking at tractor porn.
Soapy the Cleaner. We meet him in the first episode. After finding no toilet paper in the house, he rips out a few pages of the latest issue of Horse & Hound to use instead. Naturally Bob gets blamed for this heinous crime...

If it is just the cleaning that brought you here, then you seem to have that sewn up now.

Maybe there needs to be some fun going on - your coldly analytical approach to your problems with your wife is rather chilling. It sounds as though your therapist has fed you the right lines.

It is not unreasonable for you to take steps to create some distance between yourself and the ILs - it must be exasperating living on top of them. But you have a solution for that for the future and need to set that in train by speaking up.

Your wife cannot be the scapegoat for your resentment - she is who she is, living her life and harming no-one. Is she to blame for you living on top of ILs? - you can speak up and say you do not want this at risk of losing her. You have watched this situation develop over many years and now the pattern is entrenched - you cannot just rip the children away from their lifestyle and hobby.

I honestly think you need to set the plans in train for a later move to the cottage, and in the meantime give yourself regular breaks away on your own to dilute the ILs.

You cannot simply perpetuate a situation where your wife is on the receiving end of your dissatisfactions and is reduced to tears by your criticisms. Neither of you is in the wrong - you just have different wants and goals. But you must stop hurting her. Both of you have a right to be yourselves. You are the one expressing dissatisfaction, so you should be the one to deal with it for yourself without causing her pain.

Your comment about not driving the horsebox is so cold and inhuman. Stp analysing and start feeling and caring.

Dylanesque - love it!!!

Thank you. Very interesting.

'Turning his wife into a project is acceptable in what parallel universe?'
Its not a project. Its a question about fair division of household work. Go look at all the female posters on mumsnet today and everyday trying to get their husbands to clean up, help with kids more etc. Are those females told they are trying to 'fix' their husbands?? Are they told its trauma thats making them want that? Or criticised for turning their husbands into a project.Of course not, mostly its assumed they are correct im wanting a fair division of household load and if he does not comply they should leave the bastard. Look at your double standards.

The troubled past and inferiority complex your refer to above is the result of years of sexual assault as a child. Thats not really that funny for a man or a woman.

I appreciate you maybe missed / forgot it but making light of OP's past is a bit of a dick move.

I come from a different background than my wife, mine is working class, history of sexual abuse and subsequent addiction and alcohol issues. I went through many years of counselling and addiction suport and got better.

@Mischance cheerleading another poster who minimised sexual assault of a child. Is that why you go to mumsnet to post?

@CraftyYankee
Thanks for your post. How would forgetting to do things figure in ADHD? So saying you will do XYZ and then just completely, utterly forgetting. My wife will forget a lot of things. A shared google calendar has been a godsend.

I certainly would know myself. (And yes I’m a woman). No way I’d have my kids in a situation where I could not transport them and their pets in an emergency when they spend that much time engaged away from the farm.

Big hobby and aspirations? The children love what they are doing and it’s good for them. Builds self esteem, teaches responsibility. I wish I had had the opportunity.

This is the 2nd hyper defensive response to a relatively benign question. It’s not a big deal.

You also didn’t answer when I asked what it looks like when you are angry.

Your wife’s very practiced response and your dc defending her by explaining “mom is really busy” sound like people walking on eggshells around someone who is often unreasonable.

I think you have some valid complaints about the in-laws and the cleaning. But suspect you also still have work to do, also.

No - but The Archers parody that she suggested is funny.

OP,

What do you make of your child stepping in to say mum is really busy?

What do you think was the motivation of that statement?

Defending her?
Trying to disperse with the palpable tension?
A real statement of fact?

Do you think your children could be very aware of the disconnect and discord between you both?

If so, it will be very damaging for them.

I certainly did not intend to mock any victims of sexual abuse, OP. Troubled past can cover a lot of things. Hooligan teenage years, brushes with the law, a stint in jail, etc.
I was initially interested in the thread in a straight up way. And at the start, did try to give you some well-meaning advice. But it has now turned into an overblown drama, and that has been down to you.
After the vomiting dog episode, I started getting a vision in my head of these awful characters. If it's truly for real, then writing it down really would be good therapy. Now you're pushing 50, if you haven't sorted things out in your own head by now, a therapist is a waste of money. Unless it's about attention seeking, of course.
Incidentally, modest incomes + hefty mortgage doesn't usually equate with a Badminton Horse Trials lifestyle.
Such a shame. As a TV drama, it definitely has legs. I envisaged Soapy the Cleaner as an illegal immigrant hiding in Ballygobackwards from the Albanian people smugglers he owes thousands to. It quickly becomes clear that Soapy doesn't have a clue about cleaning. Bob feels sorry for him, can't bear to sack him, so reverts back to his customary practise of being the family scullery maid. And through trying to cope with the endless round of overflowing bins and filthy bathrooms, his own little 'I Can Fix This' business is going to the wall
How the drama ends is down to you