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Original poster

Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

446 replies

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:40

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 02/07/2022 16:41

I would run a mile to be honest. Do you want children one day?

Whatsthestoryboringglory · 02/07/2022 16:44

I think the wedding is the least of your worries here to be honest. What are you planning to do about kids with Grandad, if you plan on having any? Also the lies about his convictions are pretty awful.

You might be right that you just aren’t compatible.

Original poster
graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:46

we’ve have already discussed that future kids will not be left alone with his father ever

OP posts:
NoInvitesEver · 02/07/2022 16:46

I agree with you. It's a deal breaker because your partner is in denial as to the seriousness of his DF's conviction.
There will be worse times ahead of you have children together and you and DP have different views on his DF. You're right btw.
I understand his loyalty to his DF to a point but this seems like blind loyalty. He'd be entirely reasonable to explain to his DF that past serious behaviours have led to a situation where he can't be invited, but your DP won't do that.
Run.

Original poster
graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:48

we do, and we discussed expectations regarding our future children and their relationship with his father. they are to never be left alone with him. if my boyfriend wasn’t such a good person i would’ve ran a while ago

OP posts:
NoInvitesEver · 02/07/2022 16:48

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:46

we’ve have already discussed that future kids will not be left alone with his father ever

And yet your DP thinks it's ok for his father to come to a wedding where in fact he could be close to other people's children who have no idea about his past!

gingersplodgecat · 02/07/2022 16:49

If it was exploitation of a minor and he served that long in prison, then he's not just a sex offender, he's a paedophile.

If your boyfriend is minimising the gravity of the offence and /or incapable of comprehending why you would want nothing to do with this pervert, then it seems that there is no future in your relationship. Sorry.

Floella22 · 02/07/2022 16:49

Your bf is minimising his df’s behaviour.
That doesn’t bode well for your future.
Next he will expect you to let your dc be in his df’s company.
Personally I couldn’t begin married life with your situation unless my bf was totally on my side over decisions about having dc and whether fil can see them.
Even if fil didn’t come near your dc surely you’d feel sick if he even looked at them or be analysing every remark.
Are your bf’s parents still together?
If so then you know how low the bar has been set for the future.

Original poster
graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:49

if he were to attend the wedding i would make sure he had a supervisor to avoid that at all costs

OP posts:
LizTrussPhotoOp · 02/07/2022 16:50

What if you had children and then broke up? You wouldn’t have any control over what he did with them during his time. Run.

Derbee · 02/07/2022 16:51

I’d run a mile.
Your imaginary wedding is the least of your worries. Your boyfriend is an apologist for his dad, if he doesn’t understand your concerns etc. What happens if you have children one day? Your boyfriend will allow contact between them and his father, and who knows what could happen.

I wouldn’t hang around to find out if I were you. I don’t think your boyfriend should be dumped because his dad is a sex offender. He should be dumped because he’s failed to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, and is continuing a relationship with someone who clearly poses a risk to children, including any of your future children

WITL · 02/07/2022 16:51

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:46

we’ve have already discussed that future kids will not be left alone with his father ever

Not the point. Do you want a convicted sex offender any where near you or your family?

it’s a no from me.

Original poster
graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:51

i guess i would have to fight for full custody or for visitation with supervision. that’s if we were to break up

OP posts:
Floella22 · 02/07/2022 16:52

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:48

we do, and we discussed expectations regarding our future children and their relationship with his father. they are to never be left alone with him. if my boyfriend wasn’t such a good person i would’ve ran a while ago

Sorry cross post.

Your bf says this now.
Is he not sickened by his df?
Who wants a paedophile at their wedding.
Would your bf invite an old friend with the same convictions?
Of course not.

OnaBegonia · 02/07/2022 16:53

I think I'd have run a mile at the fact they have all minimised it.
A 7 year sentence is lengthy when most of these offences get fines/payback.
Cut you losses and walk away.

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/07/2022 16:53

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:49

if he were to attend the wedding i would make sure he had a supervisor to avoid that at all costs

You seem fixated on your wedding. Rather than 1) your boyfriend is minimising and 2) any children you have will be at risk (especially if their father is still minimising!)

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2022 16:53

The problem has become your boyfriend. He isn’t prepared to hurt his father to protect other people. It’s understandable. No matter what his father has done, he still loves him. Your boyfriend also grew up surrounded by people telling him that it was ok to just accept this as something that happened. This issue is actually much bigger than your wedding. If he doesn’t see the problems of such an event, then you are going to face a lifetime of difficulty.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 02/07/2022 16:53

LizTrussPhotoOp · 02/07/2022 16:50

What if you had children and then broke up? You wouldn’t have any control over what he did with them during his time. Run.

This is the bottom line.

I'm sorry, I'm with the other posters. There's no compromise on safeguarding of children.

bellac11 · 02/07/2022 16:53

I know this may sound patronising, but you've been with him since you were a kid (are you American?) and you are still a kid now, you dont sound compatible and your boyfriend isnt seeming to understand risk (and you might say why should he, he isnt a parent and he's not responsible for his father) but he is defensive of him and thats a problem.

DowntonCrabby · 02/07/2022 16:54

I’d reconsider the relationship and your future. Your BF is not taking this nearly seriously enough.

Id refuse to ever be in the same soon as the SO so that would make him attending the wedding very clear cut. The absolute most is put up with is BF maintaining low contact when absolutely necessary, other family weddings/funerals but I’d never go along.

Chrispackhamspoodle · 02/07/2022 16:55

I wouldn't have the FIL at the wedding.He knows his crime and should know this is the sort of repercussions he will have to face for the rest of his life.If he has any understanding of his actions he will understand that he can't attend.As you have years before you marry-if you do marry- I'd be attending counselling with your partner with him having private sessions if he is open to them.He needs to really understand his father's guilt and risk to children if you plan to start a family.I say this as someone who understands your partners situation and has been through it.I went no contact once I had children too.

Sexnotgender · 02/07/2022 16:55

Never mind never left alone with children, he needs to not be around them full stop.

And would he fuck be coming to my wedding.

Do you understand how hard it is to get a conviction? They obviously has serious evidence to (a) get a conviction and (b) get that length of sentence.

You need to grow up and wise up asap.

Original poster
graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:55

i know he is minimizing. and he’s doing it because part of him is in denial because that’s his dad. he grew up thinking this stuff was normal and he was lied to as well. he is totally supportive with keeping the kids away and going little to no contact with them. it’s just the one thing he wants is his dad to be there at his wedding.

OP posts:
NoInvitesEver · 02/07/2022 16:55

You posted here OP because your gut is telling you that your DP's approach to this is way off ok. Although you're answering questions about how you'd safeguard at the wedding and for your own DC, you still know it's not all ok I think.
I do believe that if you have DC your DP will want him more involved than would be right. Despite what he says now, the wedding is the indicator that he doesn't get the gravity of the situation.
I'm sympathetic to you though, as it's hard when the issue isn't actually your DP himself. But this is huge.

BiFoldChampion · 02/07/2022 16:56

you are being so naive OP - your BF seems to have gaslighted your into thinking any contact with his Father is ok.

can I say as someone who was abused as a child - if you could see/feel what was done to me - then you would not someone like your BFs father anywhere near you/your children.

I find it sickening that you’ve been totally brainwashed.