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Original poster

Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

446 replies

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:40

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

OP posts:
dustandroses · 02/07/2022 18:34

I think you are being very naïve. Will you be with your child at all times? No. What if your boyfriend is with your child and his father? If he wants his father at the wedding what about the christening / naming ceremony or other family events?

If he is in denial he cannot protect the child. Using words like exploiting a minor, or sex offender is avoiding the real issue, that he is a paedophile.

What if lots of people refused your wedding invite because they feel uncomfortable being around a known convicted paedophile?

ThePoetsWife · 02/07/2022 18:35

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:46

we’ve have already discussed that future kids will not be left alone with his father ever

But child sex abuse is sometimes done with others supervising or in the same room.

I wouldn't take my DC to meet someone who is likely to perv over them.

Kris02 · 02/07/2022 18:37

He’s minimising his father’s behaviour. Families always do this. Anyone who has worked with sex offenders (including those caught grooming underage girls or viewing indecent images of children) will tell you the same. The offender’s family can’t deal with what he has done. It’s impossible to live with (unless the family are scum and don’t care/think it’s funny). So the only answer is to blame the girl, or excuse his behaviour on other grounds (she led him on, he’s naive, he was only looking, he was mentally ill, and so on).

Personally, I think you should re-consider marrying this person. It’s up to you of course, but if your family want nothing to do with his family, that’s a big worry. Maybe he’s not like them. But let’s be honest, genetics play a massive part in what and who we are. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If his parents are horrible people, is he going to mature into a kind, loyal, loving husband? Once all the love and lust and romance have died down, and you’ve got bills and a screaming baby, his true character will reveal itself.

tirednessbecomesme · 02/07/2022 18:37

What are the terms of his release? Presumably he is on the sex offenders register and there may be rules stating he can't be within so many metres of children?

IncompleteSenten · 02/07/2022 18:38

I would not stay with someone who wanted such a person in their life.
I sure as shit wouldn't risk having kids with them!

Plenty more fish in the sea, OP. Throw this one back.

OldFan · 02/07/2022 18:38

If you have a child in future then even supervised contact isn't safe. I've heard of some people where they're in the same room as a paedo, supervising the contract, and the sex offender gropes a child before they have chance to stop it. Or it only takes you to be looking in the other direction for a moment. I don't think this relationship has (or should have) a future.

DrMorbius · 02/07/2022 18:40

we would not live near them for them to be over. i would not allow that

If you had a child, how exactly would you stop them moving close by?
How would stop your BF redefining the arrangements/relationship with his parents? As he will almost certainly try to do once his child is born.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 18:40

Sorry, OP, but your boyfriend wanting his dad at your wedding and not understanding why you wouldn't does not make him a "good person".

If I had children, I wouldn't be attending your wedding. And tbh I'd have concernsa about attending anything with your boyfriend given his appalling lack of judgement, and you, by default. Sorry, OP. I know it's not your fault and you clearly love this man.

Tigerteafor3 · 02/07/2022 18:42

Gonna be blunt, was your boyfriend abused by his father?

If he has been groomed and/abused he will NEVER fully be free from this man.

As others have said, you are already planning a way out. Don't set yourself up for a lifetime with a man who has more than likely raped a child in your family.

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 18:48

Wth is wrong with you. Why are you not running a mile? You are 21, and clearly very immature. You really want to marry a sex offenders son, one who still supports his father?? You want to have kids one day and have a sex offender as their grandfather? You want to have your children around that because your boyfriend is certainly going to let that man around them. Are you not horrified thar you've chosen a sex offender as a FIL? Listen to your parents, you are making poor poor choices here

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 02/07/2022 18:48

This is the first test of whether your boyfriend can draw boundaries with his dad or not. Not inviting him to the wedding will be a thousand times easier than not letting him meet his grandchild.

I get that he has been brought up to be blinkered to his dad’s crimes, but what has he actually done to date to draw a line between them?

If all he’s done is said to you that he would not let his dad have unsupervised access to your kids, with no actions or evidence suggesting he would do that, then deep down I think you know that as soon as his mum piles on the pressure he will back down.

If he can’t have a wedding without involving his dad, I can guarantee he won’t have children without involving his dad. This is his test. If he fails it then you have your answer.

Right now he’s failing. He’s putting his dad before you and your needs. This is how it will always be. This is where you draw your line. Do not marry him unless he passes. You’ll be setting you and your kids up for a lifetime of pain and fear.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 18:51

OP it's a mark of your immaturity that your worries are about your fictional non event wedding rather than the facts.

LondonQueen · 02/07/2022 18:51

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Minimalme · 02/07/2022 18:52

Your bf is telling you it's just the wedding he wants his Dad at?

After the wedding he will 'just' want his Dad to meet the baby. Because you won't live near them, they will stay over for a couple of nights.

Then his parents will offer to babysit. MiL may need to pop out to pick up some milk and not tell you FiL was left alone with your child because she knows you won't like it.

You will feel reassured because nothing bad happened.

Until one day it does and you child's life is forever ruined.

Walk away now while you still have a choice.

MiniPiccolo · 02/07/2022 18:52

You're 21. What the hell are you thinking about marriage for?

Summerfun54321 · 02/07/2022 18:53

It’s a no from me, to all of it. Find a father for your children who doesn’t want a close relationship with a sex offender.

PeekAtYou · 02/07/2022 18:57

It's not unusual for children of sex offenders to be in denial.

But if you think that your ex would get supervised or you would get full custody based on this situation then you are very naive. Your ex has not done anything so he wouldn't be punished and they would take his word that there would be no contact with his father.

If you invite FIL to the wedding then this will be the first of many occasions that you end up having to give in to him. If the pressure is too much for a wedding then contact with a child will be harder to resist - especially when FIL pulls the "family" and "don't punish MIL" cards.

You should run fast. Your bf is saying the right things now but as a tired mum with a baby, it will be hard to say no and splitting up means you'll have no control over FIL seeing your child. You'd have no clue (because babies can't talk ) and if you discovered contact (say a photo on SM) then that would be after the fact. Courts believe that contact with both parents is good for children- even drug users and people who go to prison get contact.

NoNoNoooo · 02/07/2022 18:57

Blimey - you are still so young. In all honesty, I’d consider ending the relationship with your BF. He withheld this information from you at the beginning and also seems to be colluding with him. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was more to this that’s meets the eye…if my dad was a registered and convicted sex offender, I don’t think I’d be seeing him again.

There’s a weird thing that happens in some abusive families when the abuse becomes almost normalised and the whole family believes their own lies.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 02/07/2022 18:58

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 02/07/2022 18:48

This is the first test of whether your boyfriend can draw boundaries with his dad or not. Not inviting him to the wedding will be a thousand times easier than not letting him meet his grandchild.

I get that he has been brought up to be blinkered to his dad’s crimes, but what has he actually done to date to draw a line between them?

If all he’s done is said to you that he would not let his dad have unsupervised access to your kids, with no actions or evidence suggesting he would do that, then deep down I think you know that as soon as his mum piles on the pressure he will back down.

If he can’t have a wedding without involving his dad, I can guarantee he won’t have children without involving his dad. This is his test. If he fails it then you have your answer.

Right now he’s failing. He’s putting his dad before you and your needs. This is how it will always be. This is where you draw your line. Do not marry him unless he passes. You’ll be setting you and your kids up for a lifetime of pain and fear.

I would even question the 'passing' bit here.

Reason being, as we all know - paedophils often operate in a network unfortunately and pass information to each other. My guess is, sadly this FIL is already planning a very nasty course of action.

RedWingBoots · 02/07/2022 19:04

graceelli · 02/07/2022 16:51

i guess i would have to fight for full custody or for visitation with supervision. that’s if we were to break up

Won't happen.

Family Court is reactive.

So only once at least one of your children have been abused and damaged will they take (probably weak) action.

My DP has been through family court and some of the people we have encountered through groups should be removed from the gene pool.

Oh and I'm being polite.

I've actually heard worse from people whose work has/does involve that shit.

You are being groomed by your bf like his dad clearly groomed the child.

jrc1071 · 02/07/2022 19:05

This is a non starter, sadly.

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 19:06

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 18:51

OP it's a mark of your immaturity that your worries are about your fictional non event wedding rather than the facts.

Very much so. 21 and her big focus is wedding planning. Ignoring all the massive red flags and no thought about the future. Unfortunately op is the type to ignore and will still marry him.b

TolkiensFallow · 02/07/2022 19:08

If he’s a paedophile, which he is, he may be subject to restrictions which wouldn’t allow him to attend the wedding?

ie not allowed near children

ManateeFair · 02/07/2022 19:08

graceelli · 02/07/2022 17:02

no, i don’t. i don’t deal with any sex offenders so i’d have no clue. the only reason i am now is because i don’t think my boyfriend is like his father. i don’t plan on having his father in my life at all and boyfriend understands

No, he does not understand, because he wants to invite his father to your wedding.

Please, please stop being so incredibly naive. Your boyfriend’s father being at your hypothetical wedding is the least of your problems. The real problem here is your boyfriend’s father is a paedophile and your boyfriend and his family have no problem with that. What do you think that says about them as a family? What do you think it says about your boyfriend?

Your parents are 100% correct to want nothing to do with these people. Run a mile from these people.

Beautiful3 · 02/07/2022 19:12

He loves his dad. He will always be a part of your future children's. If you separated, they would visit grandad with their dad. Personally it's a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't have him at the wedding. Imagine if something happened to a child, and you didn't inform the parents. I would not even think about marrying into their family.