Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

No, no, no. Honestly, your boyfriend isn't that great if he is saying he wants his future children to have contact, supervised or not, with a convicted sex offender. He can't see how despicable that is because he is blinded by it being his family. This means you won't ever be able to fully trust him to protect your children. You'll be letting them down by bringing them up in a family like this.

This is never going to work out OP. You dp will keep moving the goalposts... "he's my dad, I just want him at the wedding."... "he's my dad, I just want him to meet his first grandchild, he's not going to harm the baby with us there is don't be ridiculous". "It's just a photo of his granddaughter in the swimming pool, what's the problem with that?"

And all the while, you're feeling sick to the stomach wondering if your FIL might be turned on by it. That's no life for you or your future kids, and it WILL lead to conflict with your DP.

I'm so sorry for your DP but he has a lot of painful growing up to do, facing what his dad has done and acknowledging his responsibility towards anyone he brings into his life,to ensure they suffer neither fear or threat or actual harm from his dad.

There is no way you should have that man at your wedding. Why should your parents and family and friends put up with it? Why should you? Who wants to see a paedophile on the top table? Who wants him in their wedding photo album? It's sickening. There is no amount of apologising, excusing, minimising, or reassuring about being a "reformed character" that makes it acceptable for him to attend.

Paedophiles aren't cured by prison; they serve their time and have to learn to avoid triggering situations, curb their deviant behaviour or hide it better.

End the relationship and move on.

The fact that your partner would have anything to do with his Dad knowing he is a peodphile would be enough for me to break it off.

Oh OP please run. This could get so messy if you were to have children with him.

The fact your boyfriend is minimising his dads behaviour is so concerning and damnright weird.

You and your future wedding guests, and your future children deserve better.

And you deserve someone with the same values and morales as you.

You have been together since you were 16. You are planning a wedding that won’t happen for years.
Please reconsider staying in this relationship.

And this. Also honestly OP, it doesn’t say a lot about you that you didn’t drop your boyfriend like a hot potato when it became apparent he was happy to have an ongoing relationship with a paedophile. Does anyone in this sorry tale have any proper moral compass?

If you chose to marry this man, you will have the "he's my dad" v "he's a convicted sex offender" many times in your life.

The fact he continues to have anything to do with the man would be enough for me.

I also wouldn't come to your wedding if I knew and I don't even have children.

Your parents are trying to protect you. They won't have a relationship with his parents and I don't blame them.

There are millions of other men in the world & you decide to pick on who minimises a sex offender. Come on, you know you are being ridiculous.

No he doesnt understand if he wants him at the wedding. Not in the slightest.

Some relatives of a sex offender convicted or not will minimise their actions.

What they should be doing is completely distancing themselves from said offender.

This is how people get away with such things. It is called the bystander effect.

I can't believe you are even entertaining the notion of having this person at your wedding.

If your boyfriend is minimising his father’s behaviour now, after you uncovered the truth that his family had been hiding, then that makes me worry how he would handle a situation where (god forbid) his father reoffended with your potential children.

Sexual abusers are sneaky, opportunistic, and manipulative. Never being left alone with a child doesn’t mean that said child is completely safeguarded from his abuse, and it’s unfair and frankly damaging to even consider putting a child in that situation. If your boyfriend isn’t prepared to accept that, then I doubt your relationship will work in the long term. Any potential risk is too great.

As for the parents of the children who are invited, I'm afraid with the attitude that yourself and your bf currently have - I sincerely hope they distance themselves from you altogether.

If you are in doubt about any of this, educate yourself and do basic safeguarding training that is available from organisations such as the NSPCC.

Imagine later down the line when you have kids and having to argue with your bf about them seeing their grandad? Doesn't bear thinking about.

*unfair, damaging and frankly abusive

Whilst you say that you wouldn't allow it, you can't make that call without DPs full and committed agreement. It just isn't possible to do so.

You don't even have the power to stop him coming to the wedding on one day, let alone be able to control what happens in the future.

Most professionals would tell you that you are setting yourself up for a very difficult situation potentially
I ve come across similar as a health care safeguarding professional. The family of the perpetrator often downplay the crime
They do not comply with Safety plans because they do not see the risks
The perpetrator spins a narrative of misunderstanding etc. It takes someone like yourself to ferret out the truth. But it is still rejected. Your boyfriend maybe conflicted. He may undermine your safety plan to protect your and other family member’s children. Then there is the risk that Safeguarding teams will not regard the family as protective towards any children
My advice? Call it a day

If your focus is the wedding then have a quiet ceremony just parents so he’s there and a separate celebration with wider family and friends.

But as others have said you have far bigger problems which I think your being a little nieve about. The fact your DP is unwilling to have a wedding without his dad shows there is no way he will ever go lc or nc with him. There is not a chance I’d have children with a man who would want contact with a child molesterer regardless of there relationship. How would you ever be 100% certain he’s not meeting up with him behind your back and being lax about leaving a child unattended. What about pressure from his family to meet the children, spend time at events.. I could quite easily him going, but my parents just want to spend a little time with them, o it’s Christmas, cmon it’s my mums birthday and on and on. Also if you did separate you wouldn’t just get fully custody or visitations put in place just because your ex’s dads is a convicted sex offender, he could swear blind he dose not allow access to his children but then go ahead and do it anyway.

@graceelli Firstly, I'm sorry you're in this situation, you're so young and you're in love, you have no grasp of real, harsh life. Everyone on here, without exception, is advising you to leave him now, and live your life - single, dating, whatever.

I suspect we are all saying what your own parents and family are either thinking or have unsuccessfully tried to talk to you about.

Please listen, because sometimes other people are right. Unanimously in this case.
Oh, and have a great life.

There's a lot of this on this thread and I would ask you to consider the actual reality of loving your dad and having them bring you up in what you think is a happy home and everyone expecting you to suddenly have no contact.

You're pushing shame and punishment onto the son for something the father has done.

Personally I think you should consider this very carefully, I'd be worried if you broke up what contact any children would have with him. I'd also be asking more about the detail of the convictions. The wedding doesn't sound like the massive danger point, having your children does.

OP, there are millions of men out there. Huge numbers of them don’t have a close family member who is a paedophile. Or any other social issue. You are very young to tie yourself into a relationship to a man you met at 16 and who represents a significant risk to your future family’s safety. Your boyfriend is not showing you any respect here.

I’d recommend going out and living life and finding out more about who you are and what you want in life, and allow yourself to meet a man, or a series of men, who will love and respect you. And will be much less problematic than this man and his family. You have a lot of living to do and so much time before you need to think about settling.

"if my boyfriend wasn’t such a good person i would’ve ran a while ago"..
Would a good person want a sex offender in their life, nevermind at their wedding? I disagree.

Oh god OP. At the moment you are very young and talking about fictional children. Once you have carried a child, given birth to them, and love them more than you've ever loved anything in your life, you won't want them anywhere near a sex offender, supervised or no.

You will not want a sex offender to ever even get a look at your precious child - it will make you feel sick.

Imagine having just given birth to your child, and you have to hand your baby over to his dad to cuddle. I just couldn't do it.

And how can you supervise your child with their grandad when they become a teenager. Are you going to explain to them, oh sorry you can't go over to granddads on your bike because he fancies children and might rape you?

I'm so sorry OP but I just can't see it happening. For me it would be BF cuts contact with his dad or I'd have to break up with him.

You are so, so naive, op. It's honestly scary how naive and blinded you are.

haha i am young and stupid. my parents do at least.

And I do know somebody's daughter this happened to - they are a friend of mine. The daughter was abused - and now carries that trauma.

Do you really want to marry into this family?! Really?!

What happens after your married and you have kids. Are they allowed to spend time with grandad? Be ready to fight with your hubby over that because I don't think he will.object to it.

Do you see where this is going?
Get out now.

I think your boyfriend is very young. As he gets older, the gravity will hit him and you may find he realises of his own accord what and who his father is.

I'd be surprised if he feels the same at 30.

I think you do have a right not to have it impact your wedding day. Two questions:

• what would his reaction be if you say you don't want his father at the wedding?

• are his parents still together?