Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

i appreciate your response, and to answer your question - no i don’t know. that’s why i came here.

If I was a friend of yours invited to your wedding and you told me your father in law to be was a paedophile, I probably wouldn't come. I certainly wouldn't bring my child if I did come and I think all your guests that did would feel pretty uncomfortable, so there would likely be an atmosphere.

If I had brought my child and didn't find out until after the event that he was a paedophile, I'd be furious.

Sorry, my response was maybe a little harsh.

But I’m a lot older than you and have more life experience and absolutely don’t want to see young women and children hurt unnecessarily.

That will probably stop him committing a crime but it won’t stop him perving at kids
I could not be in a relationship with someone who was in contact with a known sex offender

Do you realise how SEVERE these crimes must have been for him to have served that amount of time?!

Sex offenders get off lightly so often with rehab courses, suspended sentences, signing registers that for him to be jailed for 7 years... I shudder to think!!

The only way I would continue this relationship is if your partner agreed that contact would only ever be one on one with him and his father. It would never involved you, your family or any future children. He would never attend any events such as your wedding. Anything less than this and it would be over for me

I'm afraid I'd be thinking further ahead. If you have children with him and then split up, you'll have no control on whether they then start visiting grandad. If your boyfriend and his family are not grasping the seriousness of this then I would run a mile.

Why does he want his df at his wedding?
Are his dp’s still together?
Does bf’s dm agree that the fil should be at wedding?

Be guided by your parents OP.

Just break up with him now. If you stayed together and had kids, he almost certainly would let his DF see your kids secretly and it would drive you to despair and ruin your relationship.

You aren't on the same page on a very big thing. Game over.

You would be very unwise to marry this man. The fact that he cannot understand why his father should be excluded from the wedding shows he is minimising the gravity of his father's crimes. The notion that if you have DC they should never be alone with the offender is both very stupid and naive - he should never ever see or meet DC. Added to all this you met at 16 and may well find yourselves with a lot less in common as you get older. Meeting at 16 is not a recipe for a long happy marriage. Imagine what could happen if you marry this man, have DC and then split up - only to find your ex taking DC to visit GPs including sex offender. You are young and you sound as though you are already having doubts, end it now.

I think a key point of your post is your age. You say marriage is some time off. That’s good. It’s entirely possible as you both mature, that you will decide that he is not the one for you.
It sounds as if his values are different from yours or certainly, his parents values are. Remember that if you do have children with this man, you may not always be able to control his fathers access to them.
Be true to yourself, if you think you are incompatible now, it will only become more apparent as time goes on. Get out, and enjoy your youth before responsibilities etc may make decisions harder.

In summary.....all of this. Especially if the relationship should fail. No control over what happens on your boyfriend's time.

This is a deal breaker if you want kids. If your boyfriend doesn't take his father's crimes seriously, then he won't adequately safeguard any kids you have.

Further, his family lied to you and jeopardised your safety to save face. Do you really want to marry into a family that does this, and that your own family already dislikes? Don't underestimate the impact family drama can have on your lives.

You are not being unreasonable about the wedding, but that is just the tip of the ice berg.

Bit of a cross post with @Redburnett . I think she’s right.

Sorry to be blunt, op, but you need to pull your head out. Your boyfriend is in total denial and he will always defend his pervert dad.

You should be running for the hills away from this family. How can you possibly ever bring a child into this nightmare? Your parents must be horrified at your lack of judgement. There will be no normality or happy ending if you stay with this man.

It's probably his father's dearest wish to be around all those little children in pageboy and bridesmaid's dresses. Paedo Christmas Day, in fact.

Are you sure that your boyfriend's determination to give his paedophile father something he would enjoy oh, so very much, is really not A MASSIVE FUCKING RED FLAG FOR THE LOT OF THEM?

I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

Dump. Your boyfriend was minimised to/lied to BUT assuming you two are about the same age, he could have done this digging himself, but chose not to. Or did, and ignored the results. Virtually nobody serves 7 years in this country for a misunderstanding/mistake/ touching somebody's knee so it would have been pretty bad.

He has been brought up by a sex offender and (possibly) an apologist/enabling/denying family so his perception of normal is skewed and he doesn't want to unskew it. What are you going to do in future if you have children when you're at work/ away for the weekend? Too much risk of him allowing contact behind your back.

"It's a deal breaker because your partner is in denial as to the seriousness of his DF's conviction."

Quite right- It's not the conviction per se (although that's a fairly big deal to have to consider re: logistics of future family life) , it's his attitude towards it.

no, i don’t. i don’t deal with any sex offenders so i’d have no clue. the only reason i am now is because i don’t think my boyfriend is like his father. i don’t plan on having his father in my life at all and boyfriend understands

I’m afraid you wouldn’t have a choice. He will be awarded joint custody and/or visitation rights. Even though it’s unlikely he would leave any children with his DF, would you be able to sleep at night knowing that their granddad is a paedophile and that your exH still wants a relationship with?

If I was invited to someone's wedding and they told me a convicted sex offender would be there, I wouldn't go. Regardless of children attending or not.

If I attended a wedding with my kids and found out after that a sex offender had been there and I wasn't told... That would be the end of my relationship with the couple.

You need to figure this out.

Especially if you want kids.

'He's not allowed to spend time alone with the kids' would not cut it for me.

ESPECIALLY with a family that seem so intent on hiding his crimes.

I can see them promising that but not fulfilling it when you are not around.

In all honesty I think my ultimatum to my bf would beits your dad or me. Full stop,. No contact.

If you do get married and have children then the shadow of your father in laws crimes will impact on them. School will have to know that he is not to collect them, Id not be sending my kids to yours to play if there was the slightest chance that he'd turn up - as in, if the family had any sort of relationship with a serious sex offender I'd keep my kids as far away from you as possible. And I'm a bleeding hearted softie.

I think you need to do some research into what the lives of people with offenders like your partner's dad are like. You'll be trying to hide from rumour forever.

You're 21. You can have an easier, relaxed life with someone who understands that children are vulnerable and having a bouncer at a wedding keep a paedophile from touching them won't keep them out of his wank bank.

Have an easier life. If your boyfriend agrees to cut all ties, then, maybe. He won't though.

we would not live near them for them to be over. i would not allow that

I think you would owe it to all your guests, particularly those with children, to inform them that a convicted paedophile would be at the wedding if you went ahead and allowed him to be there.

I'd suspect most would stay away accordingly. If you didn't inform them, and they were to discover you hid it from them you would probably be facing some angry conversations, maybe even some lost relationships down the line.

I'd also echo what other posters are saying about future issues around your own children, their friends, friends parents etc. Your children may be socially ostracised, not being allowed playdates or having people attend their birthday parties 'just in case', particularly if your future husband continues to bury his head and minimise what his father actually is.

Tbh I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who minimised child abuse. I’m sure it’s very complicated and painful for him but his reaction is one of denial. Saying his dad would never be left alone and unsupervised. I wouldn’t have my kid having ANY contact with a known peadophile, the thought of one even looking at my child turns my stomach tbh. I would cut anyone immediately and I mean anyone with those kind of convictions.

If he’s so determined to have his dad at the wedding he will be determined that his dad meet your first child then he just must be at their birthday party, he’s not reoffended y’know and so on and so on.

Do you know what age and sex the victims were OP?