Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

I think you should explain to your boyfriend that you are unable to have a relationship with someone who allows such a person to be in their life.

It's very sad for your boyfriend, I see that. He's only had a short time to consider the full facts of the situation and it will always be hard for him; but he cannot embark on a marriage-and-children life while his father is in it. This may well mean that he ends up estranged from most of the rest of his family too. This is the choice that his father's actions have forced him to make.

It's almost certain that your boyfriend will be unable to take this step for a long time, if ever. You have to be prepared to walk away. Or to accept that you will never have children.

Also, I'd imagine there are restrictions on where his father is meant to live or is that all brushed under the carpet?
Do you know what he was actually convicted off?
Nobody will want to know your kids if your linked to him.

What we're his actual convictions?

"Especially if the relationship should fail. No control over what happens on your boyfriend's time."

There's a point. If you split up and your boyfriend was considered a great daddy and solemnly swore to social services that he wouldn't allow unsupervised contact with his dad, he could get 50% custody. And you already know his family's attitude to the truth.

There is no way I’d be planning a family with someone who tolerates this man at all. When he takes the future kids round to see his parents will be take them in the loo with him? Or if he just pops to the shop? He won’t protect your kids because he doesn’t think he’s a risk.

How can you be in a relationship with someone who is an apologist for a paedophile, and hasn’t immediately cut all ties with them? Raise your bar, OP. This isn’t a family you want to tie yourself to.

So he still sees his father and mixes with him on family occasions? Birthdays? Christmas? Are his parents together?

Most people on the SO register are either not allowed unsupervised contact with children under either 16 or 18, or they are allowed to be with children of varying ages but with the express knowledge and permission of the child's parents

So when people keep it secret, it makes it very difficult to know whether those criteria are met.

My dad is a registered sex offender and is currently serving 16 years in prison.

I still love my dad, and still feel ties to him, and id like to think he'd never do such a thing again.

Would I ever let him around any future children id have? Absolutely not.

Would I voluntarily let him around anyone else's kids? Absolutely not.

Its not something you could ever risk, and putting others in danger and saying nothing is seriously questionable, no matter what ties you have to them.

It seems your boyfriend and his family havent accepted or realised the reality of what hes done and is capable of.

You're 21, sweetheart.

You've been with your boyfriend since 16.

Possibly a good idea to explore life as a single person before you settle down.

Why are you settling for something some complex and angst driven, so soon?

Run, now. You have the whole of your life.

Yes people can do horrid things and you won’t know about it but you KNOW this man, your potential FIL. Is a full on weirdo who does unspeakable things. How can you even tolerate the thought of being in the same room of him is beyond me.

The only way this relationship would ever work would be if your boyfriend went NC with his parents and that’s not going to happen- ergo end of relationship.

RUN @graceelli FAST

Errr in what world would him attending be ok, especially if there are DC there?

If I knew I he was coming, I ceetainly wouldattend and would probably reevaluate any friendships.

Such a misjudgemeng.

This thread has reminded me to have a look at ACCCE www.accce.gov.au

Their police post images of things in the background of videos of the worst sort of abuse. Finding the objects (e.g. "I bought a similar blanket in IKEA in 1994" or "that washing powder box was sold in a campsite in Spain when I was on holiday in 2019) can help find the nasty bastards - it's been hugely successful.

I'm grateful to the work they do. I'm very sad they have to do it.

So your boyfriend is okay with what his dad did? (If he has a relationship with him the answer is yes)

Go for it just don't ever have children.

OP I think you are minimising this too. Your BF father likes children. He has crossed boundaries that no adult ever should with children. It’s unlikely he has changed. I would explode if I found out your BFF had been in the same room as my kids. When you have kids, how will you police this? The way he will look at your child? No holidays with grandparents, no Christmas Day, no christenings, no 18ths, no 21sts. Does your BF understand this? Do you understand it. Social services will be watching you as a family too. Neighbours will know.

These are imaginary future children that you seem to have put such a lot of thought into a legal battle about.

How about putting some of your thought into how to have an amazing life full of great experiences?

You don't seem to be hearing what people are telling you OP.

You can say now that you won't have him see the children etc but the reality is, if you break up, you have no more parental claim to the children than he does.

He can bring them to see his dad, let his dad be alone in a room with them, take them to the park etc etc.

Getting married to a man prioritising his paedophile father over your child safety concerns (re your wedding day alone) is not a risk worth taking.

Your boyfriend would have a wedding day, if he could choose, where your loved ones kids were there and their parents had no idea the father of the groom they are chatting to is a convicted paedophile. It shows how he's been affected by growing up in a family of apologists and minimisers, to think that's acceptable.

Look up sentencing guidelines. To get that sentence he has an horrific past.

This relationship isn't worth the risk. No relationship is, if the partner is in any way an apologist or minimiser of the sex offender.

You're so young. Please don't create a life for yourself that involves you having to police your partner and also involves your future children being at risk.

He 'just' wants his dad at your wedding. He'll 'just' want his dad to meet the baby when it's born. He'll 'just' want one picture of him holding the baby. You'll start saying no to stuff, his family will guilt trip him, he'll then start to lie to you and do things anyway so he doesn't have to have the difficult conversations with you and on and on it'll go.

Drop the rope and walk away now before it goes any further.

If I was your mum or dad this would be keeping me up at night worrying about potential future grandkids.

Thing is, if you had kids, supervised contact with him would still be dangerous. Paeophiles will groom children supervised or not, and there are also plenty of stories of children being abused whilst parents are present.

Unless your boyfriend is prepared to go fully no contact, then run.

Oh, and if boyfriends mum has stayed with him, again she must never have contact too.

I would seriously end the relationship.

This.

You have a future ahead of you which doesn't need to involve juggling a paedophile and his apologist family.

Your fiancé will always struggle with recognising how dangerous his father is.

And he is- abusers groom and abuse with others in the room. They groom the children's protectors, as well as the children.

You'd have a life time of vigilance ahead of you. You'll have to check your husband doesn't pop in on his parents on the way past, or let his mum take the baby to the park... the drive to introduce children to your pedophile relative is incredibly strong. It's part of the denial. They are heavily invested in demonstrating the offender isn't dangerous.

It's a powder keg and you have the opportunity to avoid it.

I'm so sorry for such a tough situation

OP this poster is wise and kind - acknowledging their own pain but prioritising the safety of children by recognising that you can never say never when someone has committed this type of offence so no risks should ever be taken, ever again, as they cannot ever be a 100% safe person for children to be in the presence of.

He might be on the sex offenders reg so depending on his prohibitions, he may not be able to attend the wedding. If you don't trust your fil to safeguard himself, then contact local police and say there will be children at the wedding. They can tell him whether he can or can't go

You’re staggeringly naive if you think your boyfriend would keep your children away from his dad. He has shown you that he thinks it’s absolutely acceptable to have his dad around kids, he is just telling you what you want to hear. Anyway, even if he was always supervised, no half decent mother would EVER allow their child around him. Just being in his presence with my children would make me want to vomit.

Its also very, very worrying that your boyfriend hasn’t cut his dad off entirely. What kind of person maintains a normal family relationship with a convinced sex offender? Do you want a paedophile sympathiser for a partner and a father of your children?

Honestly OP just run, and don’t look back. Anyone who knowingly bring children into the kind of family you describe needs their head testing. It would be effectively delivering up a potential victim to this pervert.

If your boyfriend had cut his dad off the moment he found out and was adamant that man would never set eyes on his own child then of course that would be different. But he hasn’t done that, has he? He is minimising and carrying on.

You would have NO control over this monster’s access to your child if you and the father separated, and it’s wildly unrealistic that you would be able to get full custody or supervised access only. The situation you describe simply isn’t grounds for that. Think very, very hard about what kind of mother you want to be down the line and make your decision on that basis.

Honestly if I was invited to your wedding and knew he would be there I would be disgusted, either not go or walk out when I realised, and would judge you massively for socially associating with him. So bear in mind also, what people think of you. Feeling very sorry for your parents tbh.

If you want this relationship to work (and it’s going to be tough long term anyway because you got together so young), you both 100% need to be on the same page about the relationship you’ll have with his dad and the relationship he’ll have with your children and any others in your life.

If you don’t completely agree and support each other, your relationship just won’t last. Both my stepdad and dh’s stepdad are convicted child sexual offenders. Like you, we didn’t find out initially because our families kept it a secret. It’s been the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through in my life (both of these men also had contact with our dc before we knew).

But what’s gotten us through and kept our dc safe is that Dh and I agree on the relationship we’ll have with them. We have no contact with dh’s stepdad or my mum or stepdad now, and we have limited supervised contact with his mum. The reality Is that these sorts of offenders don’t just have a few random interests in children and never again. They just hide it better in the future (95% of abuse survivors never report anyway so that’s pretty easy to do).

My stepdad groomed and abused his own daughter (my mum says it was no big deal). Since his convictions, he has ‘not re-offended’ but they do belong to a family naturist swimming club (this is not in the UK) where children must also be naked as per club rules. 🤔

Realistically, you should not have your (future) children around this man and you should morally not invite him to events where children are present. He’s the one who did wrong, so he has to live forever with the consequences. Not your children or children you care about. If you can’t agree on that, you need to move on.

What happens if you marry, have dc and then split? He’ll have plenty of unsupervised time with your dc as the courts will not prevent it (it’s your job as parents to safeguard your children - that’s what the police told me when I met with them). If you aren’t totally supportive of each other on this, it’s really not safe to go forward unless you never plan to have children.

Your BF hasn’t done anything wrong and shouldn’t be punished for his father’s mistakes. However, your BF should be prepared to lose contact with his father permanently and completely in order to have a safe family life with you. I would make this clear as an expectation in order for the rship to continue

My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids

Fucknghell. All of that would be a massive no from me. I wouldn't even want to meet his Dad, let alone have him at my own wedding!!!! Your situation is in no way normal and I'm concerned that your boyfriend has the absolute cheek to make out that you are somehow the problem or you're the one being unreasonable.

DON'T HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM! Despite what your boyfriend says now, you have no idea how he'll feel once the children are born. The fact that he sees no problem in his father attending a wedding where it's likely that children will be present is a massive red flag in itself.