Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

This is totally and absolutely accurate and a well informed comment.

Ultimately you risk losing any child you have and having them taken off you.

We are not exaggerating as this poster says. This actually happens.

This is great advice.

You are only 21 and theorising about a wedding which you admit may be years away.

He's not for you, move on.

Sorry if this had been said already, haven’t rtft just your posts.

You can’t let him come to the wedding. We’ve got a sex offender in our family and all the advice we’ve been given by social workers, police etc is that sex offenders must have no contact with children (even supervised) and that anyone who maintains a relationship with them mustn’t be given unsupervised access (eg I have certain family members to visit us here but can’t let them babysit in case they grant the sex offender access)

This reason for this is that adults vastly underestimate a predators ability to groom and even abuse a child I front of other adults (not all sexual abuse involves physical contact, or things might be under the table etc)

Please get out of your idea the idea that it’s fine for this person to be around children if ‘supervised’ or ‘chaperoned’. No that’s ok.

You need to run a mile from this situation.

The fact that you’d be related by marriage to a paedophile is very concerning.
The fact that your bf and his family minimise the convictions is very concerning.
Is his father on the sex offenders register? Could he still be on licence from his conviction? Either of this could ban him from being near children.

As pp have said if you have children and later separate you’d have no control over his father’s contact with your children.

How would you prevent that anyway? Stay at home twenty four seven? Never leave your child with your DH?

You are only 21 and his family have lied to you for a high majority of your relationship - bf included. Don't tie yourself any further to a man who doesn't seem to understand how horrific a person his father is.

He doesn't need to be alone with them to touch them

Your boyfriend has minimised to such a degree that I would be concerned about the safety of any future children in his care, forget about his Dad being around.
What if something happens to you? That monster will have full access to your children!

to be sentenced to 8 years it must have involved the worst type of child abuse, category A rape and assault as a minimum. It is a very heavy sentence.

Back out now whilst you have the chance and find someone you truly trust with parents that will enrich your lives. To marry a man who knows his father is a dangerous predator that doesn’t care about the safety of the children at the wedding will never be a good father

This is an easy one for me. Don't marry a man who hasn't gone NC with his paedophile father.

Solves the wedding invite issue definitively.

This with bells on! I was assaulted once with my little brother - uncle - mum and dad all in the same room. I totally froze and I was 6. I still remember the silent tears down my face as the assault took place.

these dirty, disgusting, evil animals do what they want/when they want. In fact doing it thinking they will be caught in front of others is part of the thrill.

I'm so so sorry @BiFoldChampion

OMG, OP. Read all your posts back to yourself. You're already planning an escape route. This isn't how normal, healthy relationships are. This is going to sound patronising, and I really don't mean it that way, but you are so young. You have an entire life ahead of you. Please don't tie yourself down to this person. (And his family!) And regardless of what your boyfriend agrees to right now about hypothetical children and situations, reality has a way of changing things. He doesn't see a problem inviting his dad to the wedding (where there will probably be children)...if you have kids, he won't want to hurt his dad's feelings by saying he can't see the kids. And if you separate, you will have absolutely no say about who he takes the children to see when they are with him. Please, get out before this even begins.

He also doesn’t need to touch them, to be perving over them and storing things in his mind for later.

I’d run a mile from this.

I’d also not attend a wedding, where a convicted SO was in attendance, supervised or not. He can still perv and imagine all sorts!!

He hasn't reoffended again, that you know off!!!

He wouldn't be at my wedding, he would never see any future kids of mine. And if bf kicked up a fuss I'd dump him.

It's not just the dad I wouldn't want around me, his family are putting other people in harms way by minimising and hiding what he's done. They are failing to safeguard children, and that includes the 'nice' boyfriend.

If he isn't will to at least be LC with his father over this and keep you and your life separate from any relationship he has with his dad then I would have to leave the relationship. Your wedding guests shouldn't be uncomfortable there because a known (serious) Sex offender is there.

Also, it's not good enough for future children not to be left alone with him, they should have no relationship with him.

Deal breaker. No chance could you trust your partner if you have kids because as far as your DH is concerned ‘dad never touched me therefore he is safe’

ditch your partner. Raise your bar. You’re young enough!

Thanks @wellhelloitsme im I’m therapy and I now know that my family really tried to help me once they knew. It was incredibly incredibly sad for all members of my family. My parents, grandparents, uncle, when it all came out.

I just hope OP listens. These men are so manipulative. Looks like her BF has picked up some of the BF traits.

my parents didn’t even put me at risk, this was a friend of my grandfather’s. So sad when I think I was so little.

If your boyfriend downplays this and thinks it is unreasonable for his dad not to attend a wedding with children, then you cannot trust him to not go back on what he has said about his father seeing your own future children. I'm not blaming your boyfriend because having a sex offender as a father must be extremely traumatic, but it seems that he is blocking this out in some way in order to allow his dad to play a part in important events in his life, like his wedding. Perhaps this helps your boyfriend to cope with what his dad has done? To allow him to be a part of the big things? However, this would be a HUGE RED FLAG to me that you are not safe to have children with this man. If he cannot understand why a convicted sex offender needs to not be in his life, and not be around children, then you can't trust him to not change his mind about being around your own children some day. I'd probably not be able to be with my boyfriend anymore unless he changed his mind on this. Has he had any counselling to come to terms with his father being a monster? It must be extremely traumatic for him and if he's going to protect his own future children then he probably needs to confront this with a professional.

His dad is a nonce and you want him at your wedding? I wouldn't even speak to him never mind inviting him crazy.

Your boyfriend is totally unable to put the safety of children first, he has demonstrated that by not respecting your decision that you do not want his father at your wedding. Please do not consider marriage and children with this man, he does not understand the seriousness of his father's offence and marriage into the family will cause you abject misery to the extent you could find your child removed by court order on application by social services, to a place of safety.

From reading your replies, it sounds like you were hoping everyone would say it will all work out. Or that you're not ready to confront the reality of the situation either. This must be really sad for you but please don't ruin your life by continuing a relationship with a man in denial about the horror of his father's crimes, and by entering into a family who lie for a sex offender and enable his crimes. For the sake of your future children, you might need to end it if he won't deal with this and cut off contact with his father and maybe even go low contact with the family members who support his father.

You'd be absolutely insane to marry into that family. Never mind bring children into it. Please listen to everyone here, listen to your parents. Your boyfriend is a predo apologist. If a family member of mine was convicted or even suspected of carrying out those acts, I would never look at them again. Never mind beg for them to attend my wedding. People who stand by pedos are just as sick. Do yourself a favour and run now. Nice people do not associate with people who sexually abuse children

Your bf is still in denial, yes he’s sort of making the right noises now but I suspect he will default back to denial when put under pressure by his family. Could you ever trust him if he insists on having a relationship with his sex offender father. I’m sure your bf is a nice guy but having a convicted sex offender at your wedding and as a future fil should be a deal breaker. As a guest at your wedding I would seriously question your ethics.

But what happens if you divorce after having children?