Boyfriends Father is a Sex Offender.

[graceelli]

Looking for advice on boyfriend’s convicted father.

My bf and I are still quite young (21) and probably won’t be getting married for another several years. After a recent discussion on how the wedding will go and who will come, I realized that it could be a deal breaker.

My boyfriend’s dad is a registered sex offender. The discussion involved whether he could attend the wedding or not. My boyfriend’s dad served 7 years in jail, with at least 8 counts of exploitation of a minor. This happened a decade ago and he hasn’t reoffended but he is fundamentally off as a person. I don’t think he would reoffend at the wedding but I do feel obligated to inform any guests attending the wedding that will bring kids.

Additionally, my parents have no and will not have a relationship with my boyfriends parents. When my boyfriend and I first starting dating in highschool (I was 16 at the time) not any of his family members ever informed me or my parents of my boyfriend’s dad’s convictions which for obvious reasons left my parents pretty weirded out to find out they had been unknowingly allowing their 16 year old daughter to go off with a sex offender. Once I was told the “truth” on why boyfriend’s dad is a sex offender, it was just a fabricated story to make him not look as bad. Like it was some sort of mistake. I knew I was being lied to and my boyfriend himself didn’t even know the whole truth. I did some detective work of my own and uncovered that he had a minimum of at least 8 counts.

I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t morally have kids at my wedding without telling their parents about my boyfriends dads conviction and that the information could keep certain guests from attending our wedding. There’s also the fact that my parents despise the type of people my boyfriend’s parents are and I know my side of the family would be paying for most if not all of the wedding so I could see this also being an issue as well. My boyfriend basically said that he couldn’t see why his dad wouldn’t be invited to the wedding and that he wants his dad there.

I told my boyfriend that we may just be incompatible

He really made it seem like I was way off for even suggesting that his dad shouldn’t come to the wedding.

I've read the whole thread and commented. Your contributions have been just nasty and unkind. OP has done nothing wrong. If the discussion is upsetting to you, the best thing is to step away - not to take out your distress on the OP.

The rampant speculation and the haranguing of a very young woman for not responding the "right" way or not paying enough attention to strangers on the internet is ridiculous.

If you find it "triggering" that a poster on an internet forum is not responding in the way you deem correct to your entirely voluntary contributions on this thread, then turn the computer off.

OP, I am sorry you're in this very difficult situation. I don't think you'll get much more construtive advice from this thread. I am glad to see you're in therapy and I would encourage you to discuss your concerns with them. They will be able to provide calm and rational advice and help you work through this. I think you're very young to be considering tying yourself to this family but you say you wouldn't marry for several years yet. I am also pleased to hear that your boyfriend intends to start therapy and I hope that will give him the tools he needs to stand up to his family and set necessary boundaries.

Sorry @graceelli you say you’re in therapy, but I don’t think it’s working. You are so young, and seem to be drawn to sex offenders or those with connections to sex offenders?

It’s highly irregular to be 21, and have had a boyfriend with inappropriate photos of children, AND a boyfriend with a convicted paedophile father.

Find a decent therapist, work on your boundaries, and you’ll hopefully end your current relationship before you get married and have children who are at risk from the day they’re born

And could you trust your BF around children? This is absolutely disgusting and so offensive to children of sexually abusive parents - not to mention one of their worst fears!

OP you are young but also sound mature. I absolutely would not allow this man at the (possible future) wedding. Your BF definitely has to go to therapy to understand the gravity of the situation and how his family has manipulated him into believing it's not that bad. I do agree with other posters that this is the biggest problem, it's very worrying he can't see it - however, I understand your comments regarding how things are normalised within a family to the extent victims don't realise it's not normal until they approach adulthood.

I would continue with your own therapy (obviously), your BF should start therapy and then possibly couples therapy a few years down the line before you start wedding planning if there are still issues.

But please, do not allow this man near anyone's children. If you were my friend of family and you invited me and my children to your wedding with a sex offender I would NEVER forgive you, supervisor or not.

You are smart to be thinking about the future. Stick to what you know is right and it is up to your BF to deal with his side before you fully commit to marriage and/or children.

Good luck, I'm sure you will do the right thing.

@NoCleverNickname shoes and tights, eh? <eyeroll>

I know I live in a hot country but we do wear shoes sometimes. Because it’s illegal to drive barefoot 😉

Honestly there would be only one option- that your boyfriends father would not be permitted to attend and tbh I would be walking away from the time I knew that my boyfriend had allowed me to have contact with a sex offender and had not warned me of this- he left you at risk knowing his father was a sex offender which to me is disgusting and not someone I could ever trust

I would also be very mindful that Whilst he has not been arrested or charged with any further sex offences this does not mean he hasn’t committed any.

Are you actually OK?

Did you read my very long, very open, contributions about similar situations in my own life and the length of great advice I gave her (which she completely ignord?)

@yzed I don't see why your need for personal attacks.

Posters find it trigging her complete disregard for sexual abuse, and they are allowed to. She's entitled to an oinion and so are they.

btw, OP has been given pages and pages of constructive advice.

Perhaps you could quote where I have been nasty and unkind.

i always think about marriage when dating someone. if i don’t think marriage is achievable, why stay in the relationship

@graceelli This is great in theory. But it does mean that you need to keep an eye out for red flags and signs a man is unsuitable/not the best choice for a husband.

Dating for marriage is fine but it doesn't mean you should marry someone because you happen to be with them. It's quite the opposite, you should be watching for signs they're unsuitable and binning them.

You are looking for someone you plan to be with for life and have a life, home and family with. This should ideally be the very best man you can possibly get in every way. (Of course you could just date around for entertainment/experience if you want to, but not everyone's like that and that's ok.) This bloke is not that, due to family baggage that couldn't be worse, and his attitude towards it. That's a shame, but you will easily find someone soon, without a sex offender dad (then you watch out for any other red flags with the next guy.)

You could watch some of Classically Abby's videos, she has quite a few on dating for marriage etc. https://www.youtube.com/c/ClassicallyAbby Not all her ideas might be your cup of tea, but some of it might be worth a watch.

it’s just the one thing he wants is his dad to be there at his wedding.

He wants a sex offender at your wedding. You don't. there is no possible compromise between these two positions. He has made it clear to you, he wants to maintain contact with a sex offender.

@beastlyslumber is there a reason you havent addressed any other comments to OP? I'm still waiting for you to quote what I said that wa nasty and unkind.

I've addressed plenty of comments to OP. I can't believe you're still banging on, demanding people answer you and feel sorry for you and apologise for this, that and the other. Your behaviour is very controlling. I haven't come back to you because I'm not interested in getting into a fight with you. Please leave me alone now.

"Banging on"?

Not "people", you. Several of us were having a very respectful discussion, you are the sole voice of criticism.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me or apologise, it's you playing the victim.

I want you to explain why you think I'm nasty and mean, since you were so keen to say it.

You're the one who said it and started this, so the fact you have the audacity to make bold comments like that, not explain them and then play the victim (controlling ffs, honestly you sound utterly strange).

I didn't 'not' leave you in alone in the first place, you came on, accused me of being nasty and unkind and then refused to explain why! I would happily leave you alone but I'd like you to either explain or get the nasty and unkind comment deleted - personal attacks are not allowed on MN.

But I'm controlling for challenging your defamatory statement and asking you to explain.

How very odd. Do you usually post in such a bizarre style?

Jesus wept.

Totally this!

I think it's perfectly bloody reasonable when somene complains ouf of the blue of you being nasty and unkind to ask for an example. The fact you've said something ridiculous and now have no grounds to back it up and are having to resort to twisting it round so I'm the bad guy picking on you is not my problem.