Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

You think?

He isn’t going to chase you. I’d be surprised if he gave two hoots after a few days to be honest. You aren’t in a proper relationship, he isn’t emotionally involved with you. The only reason he’d be “nice” during the breakup is because he doesn’t want you to tell his wife. He really doesn’t care about you or your well being. If he did, him and his wife would be separated and he would have filed for a divorce by now. He’ll just be onto the next one.

Going quiet is a really cowardly way out. You know if you go quiet he’ll be messaging you more. You just want the attention at this point. It isn’t hard to send a text saying “Hi, changed my mind about this whole thing. Isn’t fair on your wife. I won’t say anything to her about it but I just want left alone now, please respect that” and block.

Hmm...it's risky either way. If you didn't work with him I'd advise a clear break up text and if he attempted to stay in contact after you told him it was over and to leave you alone then 'I've asked you not to contact me. And further harassment will be reported to the police'. They can't love bomb you if you don't let them.

But if you see him in work then maybe just being busy af amd avoiding him till he gets the message might be wise. I suspect though that'll still lead to drama ultimately. How about just 'this isn't working for me anymore mate so let's call it a day'. Say it in person and infront of witnesses. Then block him on everything and don't reply to anything not work related.

I wouldn’t ever tell his wife. I don’t want to cause more drama and pain. And I recognise it would have caused drama and pain had he left, of course I recognise that. But I guess I was just blinded by the intensity of my feelings towards him. God, I just feel so stupid. I can’t get the feeling of dread from the pit of my stomach and I can’t eat anything or sleep. Just lying in bed crying.

Please get up and have a shower and get outside ASAP. Even if it’s just to walk. Once you’re out, ring a friend and if they don’t pick up ring another one. Tell someone you’re feeling down and/or see if they’re free to meet up. Being on your own at home is the worst place to be.

@EnterACloud I just can’t tell anyone in real life about this. They will never look at me the same way. You are right about getting out though. Perhaps I’ll go out and buy the Sunday newspaper. Just need to get away from this all consuming sadness

Don't ever go tell his wife. She would say your the homewrecker he make lies up and she might believe him.
It's always the other woman fault. It's doesn't matter if he was chasing got you and you fell for him. It's that once you knew he was married you should of walked away.
Just try block him move on. His wife will find out eventually her husband a cheat.
Some men will throw you under the bus and she be after your blood.
Totally remove yourself from this.
Seek help for why married men appeal to you. It's really not fun just so much headache.
I hope you get you get help you need.

Trust me darling he is not worth any of that. You don't mean a jot to him. He's in his house with his wife family and possessions living his best life. You're not on his mind at all. He may feel inconvenienced at not having some young malleable fucktoy at his disposal but so what- he can get that anywhere.
This is why i don't understand why people cite low self esteem as the reason for going with married men as if you had low self worth before it's going to be completely decimated afterwards.
I'm assumed you can use a washing machine get from a to be and at least boil an egg? If so you don't need him or any man to be able to survive. You are enough now get out of your pit, enjoy the fresh air and freedom that so many people would be delighted to have

I don’t think you need to tell them why you’re down, but you clearly need some company or fresh air at least. Once out, message him to say you aren’t going to do this any more. You won’t tell his wife and you hope you can be polite when you meet in future but you’ve come to feel that it’s wrong and it’s making you miserable. You want a clean break and this is the end of it.

Get up, get dressed. go out. Leave your phone at home. Walk somewhere nice, a park, for example. Empty your head of negative thoughts. Get lost in the moment of being alive and being free. You can do this. You owe it to yourself.

No harm but this is such an overreaction.

You’re 4 months into this “thing”. 4 months is fuck all time. Secondly, I presume you both see each intimately other once or twice a week maximum as he can’t get away from his wife without causing suspicion for much longer? How are you so emotionally invested?

It’s not as if you’ve been in a committed relationship with someone who you have kids with for 10 plus years, is it? You need to get a grip. Wallowing in self pity isn’t going to get you anywhere.

By all means be sad and mopey for a few days but you have to start getting on with it. Women with kids who have been cheated on don’t have the luxury of crying in bed for days, and that betrayal is a lot worse than knowingly dating a man who is married.

Stop hiding behind excuses. Before you start a relationship with anyone you can easily find out via social media if someone is in a relationship. Then you don't go ahead. It's bad for you and bad for the wife/partner.

Have no doubts he will love bombing you, all you are is an ego booster for him and he wants to keep his narcissistic supply. I would send him a brief text in the lines of:" It was great meeting you but I'm looking for a serious relationship and this doesn't work for me. It's bad for my mental health". Block. End of.

^This!

It isn’t hard to send a text saying “Hi, changed my mind about this whole thing. Isn’t fair on your wife. I won’t say anything to her about it but I just want left alone now, please respect that” and block.

This is very good practical advice on a very specific thing that you can do to start on the path to being better and happier. Have you done it yet? Once you've done it, then you can wash your hair, put on your nice make-up, go for a walk, cook yourself a nice meal, find a therapist, watch some good telly, read a book, do a workout...

"God, I just feel so stupid. I can’t get the feeling of dread from the pit of my stomach and I can’t eat anything or sleep. Just lying in bed crying."

If you feel like this after 4 mths OP 🙄 try imagining how his loyal wife of many years might feel upon discovery! No woman is ever the same again, it sucks the life right out of you. It is a trauma worse than losing a loved one.

Knowing this might help you to gain strength to finish the affair with one simple text and then block the cheating rat, rather than just 'going quiet' which is really, leaving the door ajar for when your resolve weakens and you feel the need for some attention and a bit of excitement in a few days time. You obviously feel guilt and know affairs are so very wrong "I just can’t tell anyone in real life about this. They will never look at me the same way." so seize the initiative, grasp the moral highground and end it. Keep busy and focus on yourself. It will be painful for a while but you will feel so much better in the long run.

He can't love bomb you if you've blocked him. Simple!

I sent the message ending it today. I feel crushed but I know it’s the right thing to do

He’s still saying that we will be together, but I know that’s just a ploy to keep me as a bit on the side.

"I don't want to have any further communication with you unless absolutely necessary for work. I will consider anything other than that to be harassment."

Cant you block him on your phone at least while you're still so vulnerable to him talk if you round? He can email if it's needed for work.

You really do need to just do it this time. You're not stupid. You're not a child. You know this is wrong. You know what he's doing.

I personally think you should start looking for a new job for a clean break, block this guy and at your new place don't do anything like this again.

I read breaking the chain of low self esteem by Sorensen. So many questions answered...

All the best

Please ring your mobile phone provider say you are receiving malicious calls and they will change your number for free. This is going to end in tears

Well done OP. STay strong.

Somebody upthread mentioned sitting with uncomfortable feelings and this is helpful in the long run. Really sit with your feelings and label them. Talk to yourself kindly, supportively, and tell yourself as you feel sad ''this is very challenging, but many people have been through this. I feel sad but it will pass''.

Be very accepting of that emotion. It's not failure to feel sad. You're human and this will pass. AS well as crappy childhood fairy, look in to self compassion and self acceptance.

Good on you for getting it done! Thats the hard part over op.

But if he persists then don't be slow to hit it up with 'We won't be together because I've just ended it. What you you or do not do with your wife is none of my concern. Do not contact me again'.

You gotta be firm with these creeps or they keep on.

Of course if you've already told him not to contact you again then it's all good, just screenshot the message so you have evidence of ending it. And then block him.

Hope you get a good rest tonight op. You've been brave today and now you know you can do it in future.

It really does sound like a ow self esteem thing and I’m hopeful that you can get out of the cycle. These men will make you feel so wonderful and special, not because they truly see that in you, but because it makes THEM feel truly wonderful and special.

My very good friend got caught in this type of relationship and after working on herself she met an amazing man, got married, has two lovely children, and would NEVER do what she did when she felt crushing low self esteem. I talked to her just now about this and she thinks she knew that man was shit the whole time. She can look back and point out just what a jerk he really was, even if she would have fought the idea in the moment.

While I wish empathy for the women involved in this were the main driver right now for you, it won’t be until you get yourself to where you need to be. You have to own your actions and seek help so that you can have a better life where a man is about you and nobody else. You deserve a real partner. It won’t happen when you make meals out of crumbs.

You will feel better by getting mad that these men seem to think you’re stupid enough to stick around to feed their egos while they do nothing of substance for you. Get mad at that. These men find their side pieces interchangeable. It’s just their ego that they are worried about.

The more you take steps to realize your own worth, the easier it will be to tell these jokers to go kick rocks. Once you start telling them to go sort out their crap and check you when they are up to your standards it will feel MUCH better than their empty BS.

Also don’t blame ADHD. It might be a hindrance to impulsivity control, but you know right and wrong. The impulsively is also more inline with interrupting others and the like. You know you have a pattern, get that dealt with. ADHD does have many common comorbid disorders and maybe you’ve got that. Whatever it is, you need to understand you are better than being some sloppy seconds for a thrill seeker rat, and that you deserve to seek help and support so that you can live a better life that is up to your true worth.

You are worthy of real attachments. You are better than what these men are offering. You already no doubtably can see these love rats have a pattern. I have been cheated on and when it came to light, it was crazy how much like the person in question acted like so many others talked about here. These men are not novel and they are not new. They play the same script over and over again with anyone who is willing to take a role.

hoping you are able to find your way out of this. You’re better and more valuable than you even know right now.

This happens because you make choice after choice after choice that women who don’t want to do this simply don’t make.

Any affair happens the same as any other relationship - there are dozens of points at which it could be turned in a different direction. Changing a conversation, not going to something the other person will be at, shutting down flirtatious behaviour and yes, even leaving a workplace or social group.

As to why you make these choices over and over again, I don’t think low self esteem is the issue. Misogyny and ego are the problems. You’ve bought into the idea that men are a prize that the ‘best’ woman will win - he’s a more valuable prize if you ‘beat’ another woman to get him. You believe their wives can’t make them happy the way you can. You’re more special. More alluring. You’d be a better wife.

Until you tackle those attitudes you’ll continue to be unable to make the good choices that women who don’t hate other women and who don’t put their egos at the forefront of every decision are free to make.