Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

Look up The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She explains something called Limerence very well. Might help you to understand your own psychology and how you're ending up in the same situation (more or less) on repeat.

There is a reason you are picking these men. You just need to discover it. Get yourself into counselling. Your needs clearly aren’t being met by these men with false promises. You are putting yourself in situations that allow them to hurt you. Plus risking their wives and families hurt too. Maybe there is something in the risk? I wonder why you seek out these situations? Is a “normal” relationship not as exciting maybe. I am sure there are many people in this situation. I know a couple of people who have had affairs and gone on to marry.
First of all you need to work out what you need and how to u sweat and yourself more. Look up vex king books as a good place to start understanding yourself x

You say you are lonely.
You aren’t shagging married men because you are lonely. You are lonely because you are shagging married men.

Every relationship meets a need. We subconsciously play out weird shit. Look at attachment theory, my money is on you having some sort of anxious avoidant style. Dump the git and find an online counsellor to explore why you keep chosing unavailable men/ tortued love scenarios.

At least you recognise a pattern. That's the first step. Now get it sorted.

Why am I always the other woman

Because you choose to be.

We all get hit on by married men, you're nothing special in that respect. But most of us feel disgust and have integrity so tell them to fuck off.

It really is as simple as that.

Ther is nothing in your personal background or history that compels you to do this. Seek counselling or therapy; read books, listen to podcasts, watch TED Talks if it helps with your other stuff and, in the meantime, just stop shagging married men. It's not difficult...

I haven't read all the responses here, and maybe it has come up already, but is there something here you need to reflect on around your own attachment style and emotional availability? Are you repeatedly choosing men who aren't fully available to you for reasons you are not yet aware of?

Yeh, that half-hearted ''i might fuck her, if I can be bothered'' seems to be the precise level of interest that excites a lot of vulnerable women with my wounds (in recovery now) but I know what it's like.

The respectful version of that; well, we hardly know each other so I don't know how things will turn out, but I like you so far, still assessing'' - that doesn't set something off in the same way so these healthier men aren't seen as romantic.

If a man did know you and was certain of his own mind that he wanted to focus on you so as not to risk jeopardising what could be a good relationship, that certainty can feel so stifling and engulfing.

So, for three decades nearly, any man I was ''romantically'' linked to felt nothing more than half-heartedness about me.

Only that half heartedness triggered butterflies

Brianna mcWilliams has a good channel about attachment styles, as well as Alan Robarge. AR has a good video about how to change your attachment style while single! which is useful.

@Pomped please take the advice upthread to binge on crappy childhood fairy videos. They are so good.

Switching off your feelings in order to end it isn't a realistic aim and in fact that's not how an adult should expect it to be. Expect it to hurt like a bastard and do it anyway bevause its the right thing to do. If he does leave her, you'll have the fallout to deal with and a cheating man on your hands. Is that a quality in a man you find admirable? Is it really a quality you want in your life long term?

You need to read Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

You are the Fallback Girl.

OP you're not awful, the cheating married men are awful. These men are the ones breaking their promises and commitments. Agree with other posters that you really just need to focus on yourself and learn to love yourself. Get a new hobby, start exercising, get a new haircut/wardrobe etc. Learn to walk away from dodgy men. You're worth more than slimey married men.

woken up with a determined resolve today

man was texting last night whilst out with his wife. He’s asking me if ‘I’m ok’ today as apparently my responses were short…..

watched one of the vids last night, the link to childhood is interesting because I did have a difficult relationship with my parents

OP you're not awful, the cheating married men are awful

I dunno. I don't, and wouldn't, sleep with a married man because I'd consider it pretty awful of me to do so 🤷🏻‍♀️

'Umm what do you mean am I OK? I just found out you have a wife you fkn bellend. Stop texting me you creep and stay tf away from me'.

He isn't asking if you are OK btw, he us asking if you will continue to shag him and, not tell his wife. Whom btw, you probably should tell. But maybe not if you intend to keep eating with him. Which, I'd also advise you don't.

If you have determined resolve today then ride it and get on with the text dumping. No need to dump ppl like him in person. They are manipulative and it's better done over the phone.

*keep working with (not eating)

Also were all these guys from the same workplace? If so then it's even more important that you change jobs. Because clearly word has got round that you're happy to date men who are still in other relationships. Might be wise to drop any of your social circle that is linked to these men too.

ADHD being dormant! Come on OP, you have a diagnosis but you have no idea what it is and how it manifests itself. The truth is you’ll access the tools and support to change when you really want to change but at the moment you really don’t want to.

The first step is being honest with yourself.

Why allow a relationship to start if you know they are married. Surely you have realised the script of I'm not happy in my relationship, I want to leave my wife.

Can’t believe you haven’t told this guy to do one yet.

I don’t believe for a second you will. It’s all good watching YouTube videos and trying to find every avenue to blame other than yourself but at the end of the day you’re still continuing to see a married man despite knowing how wrong it is.

He doesn’t give two shits about you. The only things he cares about are

• getting a shag


• making sure you’re not going to tell his wife so he’ll throw out some fake sympathy and kindness to keep you in line

Also for posters continuing to feed this “poor OP” rhetoric- I highly doubt you’d be this “kind” if you found out it was your husband shagging the OP. You’re simply just feeding the delusion.

Lots of people have a hard life- most of them don’t go on a shagging tirade around them of any married man that gives them the time of day. All women get hit on by married men, it really isn’t difficult to say “no”.

No different workplaces.

I know me attempting to break it off will be met by ‘love bombing’ so I’m just going to go quiet, I think.

Glad you are listening to the helpful responses OP. I agree with the counselling suggestions. Unfortunately this type of post attracts some quite bitter people who transfer their own hurt onto posters who are asking for help. I’m saying this as someone whose EXH had multiple affairs. I don’t blame any of the OW at all. Yes there are cases where a cheating H still has a normal ‘happy’ marriage but I think this is rarer than the situation where many couples are unhappy and living relatively separate lives, staying for the kids etc. You only have to read a few of the posts on this thread and the divorce thread to see that. Lots of men do leave unhappy marriages as well as is evident from here so don’t beat yourself up for believing that they would leave. Divorce is incredibly stressful and this results in many staying in unhappy marriages. I would confide in your trusted friends as well. Don’t listen to the previous posters telling you that you’ll be vilified. That’s nonsense, that’s certainly not the way anyone in my friendship circle would behave.

Do you ever fancy single men, just out of interest?

I do think married men (especially serial cheaters which I bet all these are) have a more determined way with them, they’re practised at convincing women to believe in a mythical future.

I think you need to look into your reaction when someone in a relationship starts flirting. When’s that’s happened to me in the past even if I’m attracted to them there’s a simultaneous “yuck” response because the mere fact that they’re trying to get you into bed means they’re not nice people at all. By definition. And I have thought (even if I don’t know the wife) if something were to happen I’d feel deeply guilty about his wife/partner. As a result I’ve pulled back and not given the chance for anything to happen.

Clearly for you that’s missing or you have a conflicting stronger message coming to you. Either “oh someone likes me so I must try to make him like me more”, or “oh he’s married but he wants me, this must be something very special and romantic” or “well it’s his decision, I’m not the married one and his wife isn’t anything to do with me”. Do you think it’s any of these or something different?

I also just want to remind you that you’re trapping yourself in unhappiness by doing this over and over. Being in a shit relationship (any affair) is far further from a happy relationship than being single.

Wow, there is some great advice here, especially from Watchkeys. Best post I've seen on MN. Thanks, I have been suffering from anxiety and will definitely put some of these tips into practice x