Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

I agree with you a lot, but don’t you think buying into the men are the prize and everything you’ve said is a symptom of low self esteem? To me it is.

Like not being able to find worth within yourself , and looking for outside validation to prove self value?

I agree with everything you’ve said I just do find it really telling behavior for someone who doesn’t have strong self worth. Those who have a strong sense of self worth really won’t engage in the behavior as you’ve said.

Thanks all. Today will be a tough day but it’s onward and upwards. I will have to see him a few times a week on group zoom calls but not in person for several weeks yet.

going to focus on having a productive work week and working on healthy habits

This isn't a criticism of the OP per se but something I've never understood about claiming women who do this have low self esteem.

I can't think of anything more arrogant than believing you could be a better partner/wife than the existing one. Nothing more arrogant than believing a man will risk/leave a wife, a family, mutual friends, a life/lifestyle, a house, financial commitments, security, everything he has built for you. I mean, that's some ego going on right there to believe that... and you have to have pretty thick skin to he OK with him prioritising time with said family whilst leaving you to live your life alone.

IME, the men who leave are the ones whose wives discover the affair and kick them out; deciding they have to 'make the best of a bad situation' (my ex husband's words). Or the ones who were genuinely unhappy in the marriage and were looking for an exit strategy. Most have no intention of leaving.

I think these types have low self esteem because they can’t see the very truth you write…

A woman with high self esteem can see things as you do. One with low self esteem believes this type of loser male is some sort of validation. Thy lack the confidence to see these rats for what they are.

liw self esteem is about always trying to prove or earn worth. Hugh self esteem is the calm from within of being a person of value without the need of any ratty man.

Typos but you get it.

@GreyCarpet

"can't think of anything more arrogant than believing you could be a better partner/wife than the existing one. Nothing more arrogant than believing a man will risk/leave a wife, a family, mutual friends, a life/lifestyle, a house, financial commitments, security, everything he has built for you. I mean, that's some ego going on right there to believe that... and you have to have pretty thick skin to he OK with him prioritising time with said family whilst leaving you to live your life alone."

It is only once women have been love bombed, flattered and allowed themselves to become involved in an affair, the arrogance, ego and confidence kicks in. Their low self esteem is immediately bolstered by all the attention, secrecy and one- upmanship. Doesn't seem to matter to them if he is just a married manipulative cad. If these women had any self worth in the first place they would immediately reject any advances from married men merely out to chance their luck.

It seems some single women accept crumb eating from the marital table whilst deluding themselves..they are 'soulmates' in a 'real' relationship and he's eventually going to sail off into the sunset with them. This naivety and false optimism is driven by the unpallatable truth that in reality those stolen hours, hidden away with an affair partner are akin to being used as an unpaid whore.

Why would any man pay for ego stroking, sex etc when there is a woman of low self worth prepared to give it out free on a plate?

It's clear that it's this woman pattern.

Sometimes getting involved with a married man just happens and the OW finds out.
It's not something someone sets out to be involved in. Sometimes the OW could be such a bad place that MM can see the vulnerability and take advantage.

I will always say the MM cheating there was issues at home they not dealing with. So two broken people finding each other cannot fix the other.

I do believe some MM who leave their wives find what they are missing in that other person that their wives didn't have.

Some wives know there husband's are playing away turn a blind eye.
The OW is not always to be blame. That's what some wives out there need to remember.

Different situations of women getting involved with a married man.

@Pomped just saw you ended it last night. This is BRILLIANT.

now you need a plan to stop yourself going on to the next and in general improve your life. Otherwise I think you’ll be “waiting” this week to see what his next move is as you’ve got into this passive habit where men choose you.

what are you planning to do this week to change things?

I think you're repeating the pattern because you want a man in your life and you don't have access to a very wide pool to choose from.
If you are actively turning down single men and deliberately choosing married ones then I'd agree this is indicative of issues that would be helpful for you to explore.But my guess is that these men are just the ones making the offers and you take them in preference to being alone. Probably no need to overthink it beyond that.
To me there are two ways to move forward. First option is to work on not needing a man in your life. Develop other aspects of life, work, hobbies, friendships, so it won't feel like half a cake is better than none. Secondly, if you still want a relationship, focus on actively seeking out single men.
Whatever you do, I think you need to stop seeing yourself as a passenger in your own life, allowing yourself to fall into relationships with any man who wants you, regardless of what he offers you. It's your life, and you're in charge. Go out there and get what you need for you.

Well done, ,@Pomped! Stay strong.

Well done on ending it OP!
Sounds like you have a good plan. Post here any time you have a wobble. There's always someone on.

What types of things do you enjoy doing out of work?

I had a friend like this and she was addicted to the intensity because moments were snarched and it was very sexy i/ wasn't the whole seeing each other in fluffy pyjamas day in day out kinda relationship. Could it be that?

ETA my friend finally dumped him and is now happily married to a proper man. You can do it OP!

Then simply reply
'Yes I will look forward to when you are free to do be able to do so'
And leave it there

What better place to come with your situation but to the board where countless women have had their and their children's lives destroyed by their husbands having a relationship with someone like you. Yes I know it's the man who is cheating on his wife but if the other women had a shred of empathy and self respect, there would be no-one to cheat with!

Easily said than done.

Especially when these men lie and say they only they for kids. Why I drink is because of her.

Men would find something else to entertain them while not happy in marriage. Just about married men speaking to their wives on the problems and not feel completely trapped because of the children.

It's not all the OW fault men don't get forced they chase after single women getting to their vulnerability and lying, manipulating them.

Any progress OP?

You’re probably addicted to the random reinforcement aspect of it. So treat it like any addiction-cold turkey and distraction.

@Scorpio8
Well said!
No situation is ever that simple.
When my ExH undoubtedly told the OW that we were miserable, sleeping in separate beds etc, he wasn’t lying. You only need to read the posts on MN to see how many marriages are unhappy!
I can accept that some people may have had their lives ripped apart by cheating and might have thought their marriages were good but equally these people have to accept that in many cases the marriages weren’t great. It’s as if some people on here attack posters as if they are the OW in their own situation! I find the view that any woman who has ever had an affair is evil and lures happily married men away with their magic vaginas ridiculous!

What a pity your comment was removed @Onthedunes as I find your point of view usually well balanced and quite succinct.

@Scorpio8

Why would any man pay for ego stroking, sex etc when there is women of low self worth out there (who is well aware the object of their desire is married) yet still prepared to give it out free on a plate?

I do believe some MM who leave their wives find what they are missing in that other person that their wives didn't have

I never felt the need to shag a married man to know my own worth and I definitely didn't want to do it just so the man knew what he was missing.
Why ? they're taken with lives and families, why would anybody be so arrogant to think they should supplant or usurp a married woman and more importantly one with children.

Some wives know there husband's are playing away turn a blind eye.
The OW is not always to be blame. That's what some wives out there need to remember

Give over, because that happens on every thread on here doesn't it, my husband is shagging someone else please help me to turn a blind eye, I love it.
The crap women come out with to justify demolishing families is laughable.

Do it but at least own it, along with the pieces of shit you do it with.

Yes your totally right too.

I shouldn't laugh but Magic Vaginas

But sorry the man demolished his own family. By the time a woman who been lied to tries to walk away she already fallen for the guy.

It depends on the situation. Some women don't care if the guy married.

So many men are on dating sites saying it's complicated. To they are looking for fun etc.
Yes it's up to a woman to take that chance. Remember it's what them men say to the women about the wives.

Men do like say they are separated when they are not.

It really is not down to the OW all the time. Some MM really do feed the lies. Let's be real if that woman told the wife they just say they the homewrecker.

OP you will be okay in time.

Sometimes the woman doesn't know they are married.