Why am I always the other woman

[Pomped]

Can I start by saying I’m in a hugely sad and vulnerable place so if you read this and your reaction is to tell me I’m a vile human being / wannabe homewrecker then it’s nothing I haven’t already felt about myself.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man. The pattern keeps repeating itself. The relationships have been of varying lengths (the longest over 2 years and nearly broke me) each time ending in stalemate and a civil relationship with the man. Both men are still vaguely in my social circle but I have no feelings for them any longer.

my own long term relationship (proper! Not affair!) ended several years ago as we ended up more as companions. But there was some overlap with affair no 1 and no 2. Affair partner no 2 was a big part of my relationship breaking down, although I didn’t recognise that at the time.

I now find myself 4 months into a deja vu situation. This man, as have the others, is older, claims his marriage is over (and as a first there are no children involved which I suppose has given me hope). We have had an extremely intense 4 months and I have fallen head over heels. It has genuinely felt like a soulmate situation. He has told me that we will be together but he can’t give a timescale. He’s never going to leave, is he? Over recent days and weeks I’m finding myself more and more frustrated and embarrassed that here I am again, allowing myself to be a bit on the side. Knowing he has social plans with his wife at the weekend and holidays planned. I feel depressed and demoralised. I know I should end this but why do I keep falling in to these traps??? And why am I never ever good enough as the initial promise of me?

Thank you to anyone who has read this ramble.

Sometimes the woman doesn't know they are married

Bullshit must take about a week to find out if a bloke is married, even online shit.

Social media, usually work colleauges and they know them, socially known as married.

Then there are the instuctions, don't phone me at this time, I'm busy at night other than when I go and take a shit or a shower, trip to the garage, walk the dog, or wife has a night out or exercise class and best of all when she's asleep at the side of him.

All premeditated, all thought out, all lies and deceit.

You would have to be seriously stupid or desperate to conduct an affair and not realise the man is actually living with another woman and children.

Why aren't you so bitter and angry at the men who make the vows? Seriously I get it's horrible to be cheated on but why are women always responsible for mens shitty behaviour? Why do we always have to be the ones to stop them being bastards?

The OP acknowledged she knew every one of the three men she was shagging and hoping they'd 'pick her' were married when she started seeing them.

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity
"why are women always responsible for mens shitty behaviour? Why do we always have to be the ones to stop them being bastards"

Bcause it takes two to tango! Any single woman with good self esteem and of decent moral values would send a married man packing.

It's not that easy in some situation some men may not be on social media. They can come up with lie and lie.

Like I said the time a woman may find out he married she fallen in love with and probably end up even pregnant. Men leave their wedding rings in the car. Use two phone and probably have two of each social media account or the name your given is not the real name.

It's really easy to say I will never be the OW.

Enough focusing on the OW start focusing what made him want her.
Root cause for his wondering eye.
Bring that spark back if it was there he wouldn't looked for her.

Remember Men will be men thinking if she out the picture we be happy. No them issues that isn't resolved are still there. Some men are very broken individuals too.

If the man willing to get counselling no woman he seeing would take the place of a wife. But if he feels he doesn't love her and just trapped by the kids.He too scared of divorce she will take every penny from me. Most men will play happily married with OW on the side.

My point is don't always target the OW. The man the problem.

Again they are the married ones why are we meant to feed them look after them tell them foolproof instructions of what needs doing when AND be gatekeeper of what's in their pants and their moral compass?

Oh yes, blame the wife for HIS affair but big up the OW as being a totally innocent party and a perfect replacement for the wife.

"Enough focusing on the OW start focusing what made him want her.
Root cause for his wondering eye.
Bring that spark back if it was there he wouldn't looked for her."

How naive you sound. For a start it is a well known fact that even happily married men have affairs and IF the marriage is lacking in something, why do the vast majority of married men not end the marriage/run off into the sunset with affair partner when caught? Men merely trot out the script and single women flattered by the attention drop their knickers regardless of marital status.

Married men have affairs due to opportunity. If they pick a single subordinate in the work place very often she has poor boundaries and is flattered by the attention. It escalates from there. Takes two to tango. How many of these single women say to the man "ew no thanks, you are married"? Not that many I suspect especially when they get caught up the script.

This!

This too!

You are worth a whole person Op, not just a bit of them

Which means you are worth more than someone who only gives you the bits they don't give their wife/family

If he has for some reason fallen out of love for his wife he should respect her enough to split up with her

If he doesn't respect his wife he will not and does not respect you or probably himself

Absolutely but I'd love to see anywhere near as many threads berating the married man for being so selfish and entitled for having his cake and eating it and not having the balls to leave his apparently bad marriage as we do for slating women for not telling the grown male what he shouldn't be doing with his cock

@Scorpio8

Enough focusing on the OW start focusing what made him want her.
Root cause for his wondering eye.
Bring that spark back if it was there he wouldn't looked for her.

Some of us would rather end a relationship than have one whose solution to a lack of spark is to fuck someone else instead of using their big boy words and saying they're unhappy so their partner can make an informed decision about whether to stay, or using their big boy words to end the relationship and use that wandering eye to meet someone as a single man instead of cheating...

@wellhelloitsme
I agree and in an ideal world most people would but sadly most don’t. I know very few people who ended a relationship with no one else to go to and loads who had exit affairs. I’m not making excuses and it is wrong but I can see why people do it. It’s especially complicated where kids are involved and finances are entangled.

Oh I know most people don't leave unless they have lined up a new relationship.

I just think that telling people to work on rediscovering their spark, after their partner has already shagged someone else, is dangerous advice as for most people doing this will destroy their confidence and self respect further. And very rarely works.

Continue what you're doing then, if you truly believe you are blameless.

Why would you want to risk your reputation for a man ? in all seriousness your niavity is astounding and sounds like it is being fed to you by your adorable men friends.

Men lie and manipulate, but you will learn.

One thing's for sure instead of pontificating on how ow are wrongly accused, think about your life and how in future people WILL judge you. If you get your man and supplant the wife, you will be judged and not just on here, all my life I've known women talk about the ow who broke homes, not to their faces but definitely behind their backs. This stuff lasts entire lifetimes, women are vicious and truly hate these types of women. You think people don't care but they do, you will never garner sympathy for anything else because they will turn round and say "well she deserves it" I've seen it so many times, even old women who have tried to reinvent themselves by being Mother Theresa, get no mercy.

Words get around like wildfire especially now with social media, and towns/cities and social circles are small, a result of that is many women will never trust you. Fact.

It's not about, is it the man or the women's fault, it is both, the only difference is males don't tend to give a shit if a bloke puts it about, unless it's with their wives.
Double standards I hear you say.
Unfortunately women are not so nonchalant about woman who break families up, especially when there are children involved.

It will stay with you, this ow banner, whether you believe it to be right or wrong and I couldn't think of anything worse than to have my reputation tarnished just for the sake of a man, and a crap man at that.

I know this post is really going to antagonise many women but honestly it needs saying because you will never hear it in real life, maybe the stepkids may give it to you one day.

So I say
Even if you don't give a fuck about other women, have a fuck about yourself.

It's the cloudy minds of some woman who choose to go and blame the OW. When it's him aswell as her.

If he didn't go chasing her the situation at present wouldn't be happening.
No need to fight for a man I am simply saying some me want out.
Just be like go then call his bluff. Yes children are involved but that's why a married couples needs to seek counselling for the root cause.

All I am saying it's the guy not all the time it's the OW.

In a perfect world OW should be thinking of the wives. That's of they know about them.

The OW should walk away from a MM because he has a family.
In life is that simple like I said many times before. Some OW just don't know the MM lying to them too. It's we are separated that will cause the OW to allow herself to get involved although suspicious of that guy. These women believe the man because they choose to trust the words.
It's a mess soon as they figure out they are lying.

In no way am I attacking the wives at all. Just if the marriage is already bad then adding another woman is just the icing on the cake not the whole cause of why a married couple split.

So much more to a situation then telling someone you shouldn't of got involved with that guy. It's wrong on both parts a OW and the MM.
The crazy thing the OW could be walk away like the OP here and stopping it. But in some cases you make that bold move. The guy might decide that the OW is for him and leave the wife. The start the chase again. Sometimes as women you got to be strong to say NO.

All I am putting out is the side of an OW. Each situation is different and yes very heartbreaking for the wives.
It's the Man who needs to fix up not go for another woman in the first place.
Sort his own issue what problems in his marriage who seek women and manipulate them into having an affair. Knowing they married is definitely unfair on the wives and definitely unfair to lie and get another woman to develop feeling no knowing the full situation they are in.

Married men are all over dating sites. If we are the wife or the OW we just need to be stronger. No fighting over a stupid man that decides to put himself about.

It's just the life we live in. A ring or bit of paper not going to keep him. Even a baby because men get bored. And we talking about MM but also MW too.

I really hope that guy OP was seeing decides to sort his marriage out and not be lining up the next woman. I also hope the wife finds out what he is like.
I hope the OP gets the counselling needed and finds a single man and is happy one day.

It's a different matter entirely if the OW doesn't know she is. But the OP here stated that she's always known.

Personally, I think the MM and the OW are as bad as each other. I can't imagine doing that to another person whether I'd made a commitment to them or not.

I think OP if he starts wanting you after you moved please tell him you go to the police for harassment.

Don't even allow him to come near you. Especially if your feel vulnerable he use that to get you back.

Please stay strong x

In a perfect world OW should be thinking of the wives. That's of they know about them.

No, we're not responsible for policing other people's marriages. Husbands should remember they're married and keep it in their trousers. If I don't sleep with X's husband, that's for my wellbeing, not hers.

What comes across in some of these comments is extreme bitterness and I find this quite sad. The OP has come here looking for support and has received some unpleasant posts. She’s clearly feeling bad enough as it is without being attacked. It’s a husband’s responsibility to remain faithful and avoid temptation. The OW is irrelevant in the situation and it seems that the posters expressing extreme bitterness here haven’t dealt with the betrayal in their own situations. They are directing their hurt and anger at the wrong person. In many cases these women have decided to forgive their cheating H and it’s easier to blame the OW. These are probably the same women who are saying that a man should just leave as if he is unhappy. I told myself that I would leave if my H cheated on me, I didn’t at first because life isn’t that simple just as it’s not that simple to leave a marriage if you’re unhappy. In my experience the majority only leave when they have someone else lined up. In fact I’ve never known a man just walk away with no one else to go to. If you’re really that bitter then maybe getting out of the situation might help. In the cases of ex spouses then find a way to move and let go of the hurt for your own sake.

@Feart

I'm not bitter as such, as I haven't had a partner leave me for an OW / have one (to my knowledge!)

I have however been the child of a father who had an affair and watched the damage it did to my mum's mental health, from the gaslighting stage through to the eventual break up.

It's important that OP understands the impact on other people rather than only on herself, not because the wives' happiness is her responsibility or she owes them, but because she sounds desperately unhappy and thinking about other people and the impact on them might actually fuel her to make a change and stop doing this.

I actually think many people have given very good advice on this thread.

I find myself in a third consecutive relationship (over a 5 year period) where I am the ‘other woman’ to a married man.

Her passive tone 'I find myself in' rather than 'I'm having' was very telling as she's been thinking of this as something that keeps happening to her rather than something she is an active participant in.

It's unfair for you to be so dismissive of all women who think that the behaviour of OW (and OM) is horrible, by labelling them as bitter as if it means their contributions aren't reasonable.

Hopefully OP has blocked him now but last she posted they were still in touch after she told him it was over, so it's likely still continuing.

It's as sad for her as it is for everyone else involved, as she's wasting her life on men who won't commit to or prioritise her. Some tough love is necessary sometimes and OP won't be able to be in a healthy, happy relationship unless she makes some changes.

@wellhelloitsme I agree with most of what you say, my comments weren’t directed at you. This subject comes up often on here and the hatred and vile comments towards OW in this situation are very unpleasant. I’ve even seen people actually suggest that they should bring back stoning and introduce prison sentences. A number of people on here have also suggested that the OP will be vilified by everyone she knows. How absurd to have these views in 2022? Of course the OP should confide in her friends and if anyone judges her then they clearly weren’t good friends in the first place.

I'm not bitter.

Mu exh did cheat on me but, 10 years on, they're still together and are getting married this year. I've congratulated them sincerely. We should never have been together in the first place. So no bitterness here.

But I think it's wrong to say the OW has no responsibility. Its about integrity. I wouldn't have an affair with a married man. I fell for one once. Their marriage wasn't good - and that was common knowledge. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away and made sure he never had the chance again. Because I wouldn't do it. I had respect for their marriage vows even if he didn't. And, more importantly, I had respect for myself.

And, yes, I do think that men (and women) should leave relationships/marriages if they're not happy.

Men go looking for other women to heal themselves from being unhappy in their marriages.

But it when a wife just blames the OW saying it's her fault solely for the husband cheating that is wrong. It's not all the OW fault it's the man. There are men who trick women into affairs.

No one knows what's round the corner to say I will NEVER get involved with a MM. These guys are great liars.

I hope the OP is not still seeing him. It's hard breaking it off but it's for the best.