Is my boyfriend right? Should I change how I dress?

[galaxymilkshake]

Just feeling a bit upset but wondering if my boyfriend is in the right.

So anyway, I dress very casual, very creative. I'm not a girly girl by any means. My friends say I need to put more effort into the way I dress and my cousin joked around and said I dress like a Grandma 😑.

Apart from my dress sense. I just don't have much money to buy new clothes.

Anyway, I feel like my boyfriend was a bit of a sick today. So yesterday, myself and my bf went to the cinema very late. Unfortunately, we just missed the start show time and the Cinema staff refused to let us in. Due to that, we went to a restaurant instead and booked ourselves into a hotel as it was very late.

Myself and my boyfriend don't see each other that often. He is very keen but I am going though so many family stuff- so at present we see each other once every four weeks. So at the hotel, we were having sex and then I surprisingly came on my period and was having cramps. My bf because upset saying that "You are always on your period, this always happens, I hardly see you, you know what Galaxy I'm just going to go, can you book a cab please, I bet this didn't happen when you were fucking your lesbian friends (we had broken up for two years and I had one sexual encounter- he did not)". He then calmed down and said ok let's do it but I said no that I'm feeling unwell and he processed to give me water and rub my back.

Anyway, in the morning, he was practically insulting my dress sense... he said "What happened to you, you don't colour coordinate your clothes correctly, you look like a grandma like your cousin said, your friends are not telling you the truth, maybe that's why the cinema people didn't let us in because of the way you presented yourself, just look at you? Even those other girls were looking at you, what happened to that other stuff you were wearing before- that was very nice. If you dress like that again when your with me then I'm just going to go home, you have lost a lot of weight, your clothes just hang off you, please wear those clothes like last time next time".

I'm not being funny, but he doesn't dress all that decent himself. I comment that "oh your wearing that again" but I take him as he is and I don't comment any further because that doesn't matter to me.

He also did something else which I don't feel like sharing on here..But because of what my friends say and cousin, and now my bf should I change what I wear and start to dress more you know... make more of an effort? I have let myself go...

Update.

Well I did it.

My boyfriend, well now ex, contacted me for the first time last night since the hotel issue. He was acting as if everything's normal. I told him that I can't do this anymore and that he hit me. He immediately got angry and said that the reason why he hit me was because I've been treating him like shit and that I made him try to commit suicide. He then proceeded to call me "ugly, moose face, monkey, I don't care if it's over over, you can't even dress, even my friends say that we don't suit. They just look at us together and shake their head. Your ugly why would I want you, your childish".

I then replied back to him and said "Just leave me alone Fatty boom boom" and sang that I was "free" (to drown out all his insults-childish I know). I'll give it another week till he contacts me again, when he knows that I'm serious he would stalk me. Sigh.

I'm sad. He is right that I'm ugly. But at least I don't have to deal with him anymore.

Block all contact with your ex, his family & friends

They are EX fir a reason

Spend time working on yourself

Spend time with your family & friends

Get some new hobbies, new friends

This.

Good you've told him at least. But id block him op.

Or, if he messages again, send 'Do not contact me again. Further contact will be considered harassment and I will go to the police'. Then screenshot it once he has read it and the block.

If he stalks you, go to the police.

But I feel bad about calling him a "fatty boom boom". I'm abusive like him.

You're human.

He was insulting you in every possible way ... youre not a robot.

It's not abuse if it's in response to abuse.

This.

And you could have called him a massive fucking cunt and it wouldn't be abuse, it would be true.

Labelling your behaviour isn't necessary or helpful.

Neither is making yourself feel guilty.

You did it. You ended it. You're free.

Be proud of yourself and promise yourself you'll start to try to heal now.

To be honest, you sound like a pair and no doubt you’ve matched with each other because you shared similar values/qualities. Your dress sense and him being verbally abusive about it is the least of your worries - that’s just a symptom of what’s really going on.

but you’ve seen the light now, well done. Hold your ground and don’t go back to him. Notice and accept the ways you are abusive to him/others and try to address the reasons for that - were you trying to keep yourself safe by being defensive or mean etc? Get professional help with that if you can.

how are you going to do stay away from him? By working on yourself and noticing your feelings. Address your need to be with someone - it can be fear of loneliness that keeps us going back to dangerous situations. Practice being alone, find things you love to do for your own enjoyment, notice the pain that comes up with that, and soothe yourself through it. Get professional help with that too if you can. Use what you learned in the freedom courses. Learn to tolerate the feelings of loneliness.

if you were only seeing him every 4 weeks, it doesn’t sound like you were/are really emotionally ready to commit to a relationship. When you’re naturally able to enjoy spending time with people and commit to them, the right person will come along. Don’t force it. Best wishes.

He's a nasty piece of work.

Thank you. I just had enough of him treating me like shit for the past years I've been with him. When someone constantly treats you like poo all the time, I just snapped and thought I'm not taking it anymore.

He should have dished it out if he couldn't take it. Yes I was petty to retaliate in the same way, but nobody's perfect. It's done now. Maybe he'll think twice in future about making nasty comments about other peoples looks knowing he could get the same back.

But, he doesn't bring out the best in you. So he isn't a suitable partner (on top of him also being a total abusive wanker). So I good you've given him the elbow.

*shouldn't have

I'll give it another week till he contacts me again, when he knows that I'm serious he would stalk me

@galaxymilkshake Have you blocked him on absolutely everything? Please make sure. If he does try to stalk you then call the police. But hopefully he won't.

I'm sure you're not massively ugly BTW. x He's psychologically (as well as physically) abusive and has effected your opinion of yourself.

Well done for getting rid of him- stay strong and stay no contact with him.