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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my boyfriend right? Should I change how I dress?

213 replies

galaxymilkshake · 02/07/2022 08:49

Just feeling a bit upset but wondering if my boyfriend is in the right.

So anyway, I dress very casual, very creative. I'm not a girly girl by any means. My friends say I need to put more effort into the way I dress and my cousin joked around and said I dress like a Grandma 😑.

Apart from my dress sense. I just don't have much money to buy new clothes.

Anyway, I feel like my boyfriend was a bit of a sick today. So yesterday, myself and my bf went to the cinema very late. Unfortunately, we just missed the start show time and the Cinema staff refused to let us in. Due to that, we went to a restaurant instead and booked ourselves into a hotel as it was very late.

Myself and my boyfriend don't see each other that often. He is very keen but I am going though so many family stuff- so at present we see each other once every four weeks. So at the hotel, we were having sex and then I surprisingly came on my period and was having cramps. My bf because upset saying that "You are always on your period, this always happens, I hardly see you, you know what Galaxy I'm just going to go, can you book a cab please, I bet this didn't happen when you were fucking your lesbian friends (we had broken up for two years and I had one sexual encounter- he did not)". He then calmed down and said ok let's do it but I said no that I'm feeling unwell and he processed to give me water and rub my back.

Anyway, in the morning, he was practically insulting my dress sense... he said "What happened to you, you don't colour coordinate your clothes correctly, you look like a grandma like your cousin said, your friends are not telling you the truth, maybe that's why the cinema people didn't let us in because of the way you presented yourself, just look at you? Even those other girls were looking at you, what happened to that other stuff you were wearing before- that was very nice. If you dress like that again when your with me then I'm just going to go home, you have lost a lot of weight, your clothes just hang off you, please wear those clothes like last time next time".

I'm not being funny, but he doesn't dress all that decent himself. I comment that "oh your wearing that again" but I take him as he is and I don't comment any further because that doesn't matter to me.

He also did something else which I don't feel like sharing on here..But because of what my friends say and cousin, and now my bf should I change what I wear and start to dress more you know... make more of an effort? I have let myself go...

OP posts:
Shortpoet · 02/07/2022 10:51

Why does he do that?

You can read it for free here. This will help you realise there is nothing you can do to fix or change him. It is not your fault he is an abuser. It is his.

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

LisaSimpson77 · 02/07/2022 10:52

Sounds like you barely spend any time with him anyway?
You don't enjoy spending time with him, you're scared of being alone with humans he's making you doubt yourself.
This is not love, get rid of him. Then block him and cut all contact. Learn to like yourself (and changing your clothes may or may not be part of that) and to be ok on your own. When you can do that you'll be ready to attract somebody who can treat you properly.

Pipsquiggle · 02/07/2022 10:53

OK you know the clothing and your BF are 2 different things

Firstly BF - he sounds awful.

Secondly clothing - I think you may need to reflect on this, the fact that a few different people, who love you for you, your mum and friends have independently made comments.
You say you have lost a lot of weight - this means you might not be used to dressing your new body. Were you ashamed of your old body, wore dowdy clothes and haven't quite got your head around your new shape?
Make a pinterest board of styles you like
Ask a friend who you trust and who's got a dress style you like to go shopping with you

Shortpoet · 02/07/2022 10:54

The freedom programme.

You can do the first chapter for free. Then there is a small cost to continue.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Justcallmebebes · 02/07/2022 10:59

I love that! "I'm leaving, can you book me a cab please". That alone would be enough for me to bin him

Shortpoet · 02/07/2022 11:01

Women’s aid

They can offer advice to help you

www.womensaid.org.uk

The good news is that you don’t live together, are not married or have children together. It makes it easier as there are no ties that mean you still have to interact.

I know you feel responsible for his happiness but you are not. I know he manipulates you into believing that you are wrong and at fault. But he is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to you and your own life. You are worth so much more than a life of misery. Don’t waste your precious time in this earth in him.

Shortpoet · 02/07/2022 11:04

And coming back to the clothes thing, I bet you dress down because subconsciously you know if you dressed up he would accuse you of cheating and you’re trying not to provoke him.

Zilla1 · 02/07/2022 11:17

In line with other comments, do you really want to spend time with someone who acts like that?

PMSL at a bloke who thinks 'you don't colour coordinate your clothes', let alone that cinema ushers will evaluate an ensemble before deciding to let someone in. Do they have training or recruit the ones at interview who read Vogue? You probably had it right when the relationship ended for a couple of years. Good luck.

GG1986 · 02/07/2022 11:19

He is an idiot! Dump him and move on, you can do better x

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 11:25

You know he is abusive right?

Agree with pp, keep the clothes and ditch the 'boyfriend'. Whom you can't really call a bf if he is just a guy you sleep with once per month tbf.

Get shot. He tried to shame you for your sexual history and your clothes and being on your period. That's what abusers do. Try to tell you other people think a certain way about you too in order to shame you or back up their claims. He's just horrible op.

Tell him to go fuck himself. And block him,permanently. He means you harm and he has made it abundantly clear. Protect yourself from vile bullies like him.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 11:36

Oh and heads up, your bf doesn't have anger issues, he has abuse issues. He is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

One text 'I've thought on it and I don't like the way you talk to me. I deserve better and I'm done with it. The relationship is dead in the water so let's call it a day. Do not contact me or my family again'.

Delete and block everywhere.
If he shows up(or finds other ways to contact), do not answer the door. Simply call 'if you do not leave I will phone the police' and do so if he won't.

Don't agree to meet him. Don't let him talk you I to further conversations. You do NOT owe him any further explanation. Warn your friends and family that he is abusive so you have left him.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2022 11:38

Oh and before you block him in the phone you text the message from, make sure he has seen it and then, screenshot the message.

That way you can show u have asked him to stay away from you to the police if it becomes necessary.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 11:43

Eh, why are you with this man?

Easilystartled · 02/07/2022 11:46

There’s a very small chance that, while your bf sounds awful and my initial thought was to ditch him, he just might be worried about you and went about trying to tell you in an extremely clumsy and horrendously offensive way.
Not caring how you look is a very different thing to not caring about yourself. If your choice of clothes reflects your personality/preferences eg for comfort or sustainability, then that’s great. If however you’re not looking after yourself properly that another thing. Your comment that you’ve lost a lot of weight could be either a healthy choice if you were previously a bit overweight, or an unhealthy one if you are now underweight.
If all the above are the positive choices, OP, then change your awful bf, not your clothes. If however there’s a chance he’s worried about you, maybe you could reassess.

BruceWaynettaSlob · 02/07/2022 11:47

Who talks like that?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 02/07/2022 11:47

Please get out now he is absolutely abusive and horrible

Trixiefirecracker · 02/07/2022 11:56

You are not stuck and for gods sake DO NOT MARRY THIS LOSER. You must realise by posting this and reading the replies that this is not a loving, supportive relationship and it will get way worse with marriage and children. Get out now while you have no shared house/kids etc. Just text him now and tell him it’s over, you deserve way better than this.

BlueSuffragette · 02/07/2022 11:59

Just read your update OP.
You don't live with him so do 2 things NOW-
Text him to dump him.
Then block him.
You don't have to see him or speak to him ever again.

He's an abusive bully. You have a whole new life ahead of you without him. Today can be the start of that. xx

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/07/2022 12:01

You really need to dump him. Please.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 02/07/2022 12:05

Please get the courage to dump him, he has crossed the line and getting physical with you!

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect!

PetersRabbitt · 02/07/2022 12:08

You.are.not.stuck.

Easilystartled · 02/07/2022 12:18

Sorry, I missed your update.
You need to start looking after yourself properly by dumping him asap. Good luck op.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/07/2022 12:21

He’s an abusive and awful person

Get rid of him

UWhatNow · 02/07/2022 12:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RaleighDurham · 02/07/2022 12:24

No, you are NOT "stuck" with him.
"Stuck" will be when you're living with/married to him, with a toddler and pregnant with a second and no money or place to run away to.
Leave NOW. Please.

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