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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my boyfriend right? Should I change how I dress?

213 replies

galaxymilkshake · 02/07/2022 08:49

Just feeling a bit upset but wondering if my boyfriend is in the right.

So anyway, I dress very casual, very creative. I'm not a girly girl by any means. My friends say I need to put more effort into the way I dress and my cousin joked around and said I dress like a Grandma 😑.

Apart from my dress sense. I just don't have much money to buy new clothes.

Anyway, I feel like my boyfriend was a bit of a sick today. So yesterday, myself and my bf went to the cinema very late. Unfortunately, we just missed the start show time and the Cinema staff refused to let us in. Due to that, we went to a restaurant instead and booked ourselves into a hotel as it was very late.

Myself and my boyfriend don't see each other that often. He is very keen but I am going though so many family stuff- so at present we see each other once every four weeks. So at the hotel, we were having sex and then I surprisingly came on my period and was having cramps. My bf because upset saying that "You are always on your period, this always happens, I hardly see you, you know what Galaxy I'm just going to go, can you book a cab please, I bet this didn't happen when you were fucking your lesbian friends (we had broken up for two years and I had one sexual encounter- he did not)". He then calmed down and said ok let's do it but I said no that I'm feeling unwell and he processed to give me water and rub my back.

Anyway, in the morning, he was practically insulting my dress sense... he said "What happened to you, you don't colour coordinate your clothes correctly, you look like a grandma like your cousin said, your friends are not telling you the truth, maybe that's why the cinema people didn't let us in because of the way you presented yourself, just look at you? Even those other girls were looking at you, what happened to that other stuff you were wearing before- that was very nice. If you dress like that again when your with me then I'm just going to go home, you have lost a lot of weight, your clothes just hang off you, please wear those clothes like last time next time".

I'm not being funny, but he doesn't dress all that decent himself. I comment that "oh your wearing that again" but I take him as he is and I don't comment any further because that doesn't matter to me.

He also did something else which I don't feel like sharing on here..But because of what my friends say and cousin, and now my bf should I change what I wear and start to dress more you know... make more of an effort? I have let myself go...

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 02/07/2022 14:57

The boyfriend is out of order end it and move on.
If your friends are commenting on your dress sense you should take notice, if you are young don’t dress like a granny, how you dress creates an impression on others, particularly other women. Casual is OK, jeans and a nice top and jacket, even a denim jacket, badly fitting trousers a sloppy clothes creates a really bad impression.

It does matter!.

Catlover1970 · 02/07/2022 15:05

If you want to dress like a grandma and let yourself go that’s your choice. It might help your self esteem if you make more of yourself and give you the courage to leave this bully of a man. Have some self respect and dump him

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2022 15:06

So I only needed to read the heading and the answer is no and no

As long as you’re happy with how you dress then he absolutely shouldn’t comment unless it’s to tell you how beautiful you are

so many red flags, please dump him today

Summerfun54321 · 02/07/2022 15:11

Bin. Bin. Bin.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2022 15:12

bloodyunicorns · 02/07/2022 10:12

HE IS ABUSIVE. He has crossed a line and abused you physically.

DUMP HIM AND BLOCK.

He sounds another foul. Why are you putting up with it?

This, and others have said it too. You are worth more than this @galaxymilkshake . There is some real misogny coming out here. He thinks you can control your periods? WTF? Does he understand biology? Is he a bit thick? Dump his sorry arse Flowers

watchagunado · 02/07/2022 15:14

Dump him .horrid twat as he is

WallaceinAnderland · 02/07/2022 15:28

When we are out in public, I feel safe because I know that if I say anything, he would not make a scene.

You said that he has anger problems but that doesn't sound like he has anger problems at all OP.

He can clearly very easily control his anger in public.

He is just plain old fashioned abusive. Leave him.

Figgygal · 02/07/2022 15:36

Oh my god what a shithead
He is angry verbally and physically abusive fuck what he thinks about your clothes you dont need this shit in your life

gingersplodgecat · 02/07/2022 15:42

Easilystartled · 02/07/2022 11:46

There’s a very small chance that, while your bf sounds awful and my initial thought was to ditch him, he just might be worried about you and went about trying to tell you in an extremely clumsy and horrendously offensive way.
Not caring how you look is a very different thing to not caring about yourself. If your choice of clothes reflects your personality/preferences eg for comfort or sustainability, then that’s great. If however you’re not looking after yourself properly that another thing. Your comment that you’ve lost a lot of weight could be either a healthy choice if you were previously a bit overweight, or an unhealthy one if you are now underweight.
If all the above are the positive choices, OP, then change your awful bf, not your clothes. If however there’s a chance he’s worried about you, maybe you could reassess.

Did you not read the rest of what the OP says about him? That he has an anger problem? About only feeling safe with him when they are in public, because she knows he won't cause a scene in front of people? That when they are indoors together she has to creep about like a mouse so as to placate him?

He's an abusive swine.

BeggarsMeddle · 02/07/2022 15:57

OP - to me it sounds like you haven't had the headspace to think about clothes for your changed figure and maybe that's because your head's not in the right place - all because of this nasty piece of work.

There may be aspects of him that would be called 'nice' or 'loving' in a healthy relationship but when he's 'nice' it's merely cloaking the underlying abusive side of his nature.

A turd with a swirl of cream and a cherry on top is still a turd.

You recognise all that is unhealthy. You are unhappy. You live your life for the greater part of each month without him anyway - how much more will you be able to enjoy life without having this barely-a-relationship thing hanging over your head?

Whatever00 · 02/07/2022 16:03

Be you. What you wear reflects your personality. As long as you are comfortable and happy. I would ditch the boyfriend. Your relationship isn't healthy.

madasawethen · 02/07/2022 16:07

Reading through all the replies, not one person thinks you should stay with him.

You may have loved him many years ago when he was on his best behaviour but he hasn't been that person for years and never will be. The nasty person he is now is who he truly is.
It sounds like he's become a habit of sorts.

There are literally thousands of men out there who would be perfect for you in every way. As long as you stay with this anchor with a w, you'll never find him.

dump him by text and say hello to your new happy life.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 02/07/2022 16:37

Just tell him to fuck himself and delete his number. You dress however you want !

Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 02/07/2022 17:13

Hello everyone,

I am overwhelmed by the responses and cannot thank each and everyone of you for reading my post and advising me.

I simply cannot text him to say "we are done". He would stalk me. He knows where I live, where I work, where my family words and I'm worried that his anger would escalate. I am planning to move houses (which he doesn't know about) and move jobs in October. My family and friends have no idea that I have gotten back to him- otherwise they would crucify me. Hence, I'm writing in here. No one knows. But anyhow, I am planning to tell him that we are finished once I have moved permanently. I am worried about him harassing my family so I'm hoping it won't come to that.

I went back to him as he has anger management counselling, is seeing a counsellor (who he has been with for the past two years). He told me that he realised his mistakes, he took sole blame for his actions and gave me time to talk about the abuse and how I felt. He never dir this before- it was like his a new person-and I thought wow he is attempting to change.

He jabbed/kicked my ribs on a few occasions-quite hard and he has never done that before. I saw a rage in him that I didn't recognise.

I don't like him. I love the person who I thought he was. But I generally don't like him as he knows that as he keeps telling me "I don't think you love me any more X".

I am not entirely innocent. I have been very rude to him so that he could leave me. I'm struggling to know HOW I could leave someone like that.

I have a quirky dress sense sense. I was a fashion designer student so I guess that has stayed with me (I'm 28). I hate close fitting clothes and like the baggy look, Dr martens, wide leg jeans and odd colour combinations. But I will take on aboard my family/fiends comments and try to change up my image/ wear more fitting clothes.

OP posts:
ParanoidGynodroid · 02/07/2022 17:50

OP, FFS call the police on this shit if he stalks you. Seriously, get out of there. You are being abused and coerced into sex. He hits you. For the love of God get away from him.

Your clothes are irrelevant to this situation.

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2022 17:57

Don’t listen to a word that horrible man says.

as for style, I really have none and I don’t really care. Are your clothes functional and clean? Can you pull together a respectful outfit for a funeral or any other situation where your attire is a sign of respect for another person? Then you are good.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/07/2022 18:06

If he does stalk you, he's committing a criminal offence so, even if you feel unsafe report to the police
Don't be afraid to tell your family things haven't worked out with him
They will support you, if they know
Please leave as soon as you can
It's a long time to suffer until October
He won't change, and you deserve to live your life free of abuse.

mam0918 · 02/07/2022 18:19

TheWayoftheLeaf · 02/07/2022 14:31

I find it bizarre that he's shocked women get a period every 4ish weeks. Like... that's kind of how it works pal

Unfortunately not all women.

I have PCOS and my period can be any time they feel like interupting my day, it could be two week or 6 weeks after the last one. No warning or patten just 'bam suprise motherfucker'.

CallOnMe · 02/07/2022 18:50

But anyhow, I am planning to tell him that we are finished once I have moved permanently.

Sorry OP but this sounds like an excuse to not break up with him.

It’s not easy to break up with someone especially if they’re abusive but waiting until October is not good enough.

Ignoring the violence and the fact this always escalates for a minute.
The longer you stay with him the worse your self esteems going to be and the harder it will be to leave him.

You say your family and friends don’t know you’re back together but they will if you wait until October and then they may wash their hands of you and you’ll have no one.

It is better to end the relationship asap and deal with the break up now and then it will have blown over by the time you move in October.
If you have any stalking or harassment to you or your family then ring the police.

madasawethen · 02/07/2022 19:01

I understand why you want to wait.
I think if you get out in front of it, it would be better for you.
You can ring up the non emergency and make a report of you are wanting to break up with someone but afraid of stalking and retaliation. They'll give you advice plus it can be on record so if he does try anything, they can put a stop to it.
Might as well tell your friends and family too. Just be honest and tell them you made a mistake. Tell them what is going on and you're afraid of him.

PearlClutch · 02/07/2022 19:01

OP, I'm not trying to be dramatic, but October is a long way away. If you are this scared of this man, you need to get out now. Yes, leaving can be dangerous, I'm afraid that is the sad truth.

Please speak to women's aid and get advice from them on how to safely leave:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

RubiesandRose · 02/07/2022 19:03

Don't change for anyone least of all an abusive fucker like this.

You don't need to wait, if he stalks you or harasses you, call the police every time, they will speak to him.

Be you and find someone who loves you for who you are. I'm old enough to be your Mum and I would hate my daughter to be in your situation.

He won't change, the lovely person he can be is an act and reserved for when you are behaving as he wants and expects. Men like this get worse, not better. Don't waste a moment more of your life on him.

corriefan88 · 02/07/2022 19:12

He's an emotional bully op and if you stay with him things will just get worse and worse. You deserve better

User1406 · 02/07/2022 22:42

You need to leave him. I've read your update posts where you say you're not completely innocent either. However, 2 wrongs don't make a right. You shouldn't be together, it sounds so toxic.

For him to get into a huff because you came on your period..... WOW.

OldFan · 02/07/2022 23:01

He was abusive because he just wants to use you for sex and you got your period- how very dare you. I had one like that.

Bloke is an abusive user- bin.