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Original poster

Is my boyfriend right? Should I change how I dress?

213 replies

galaxymilkshake · 02/07/2022 08:49

Just feeling a bit upset but wondering if my boyfriend is in the right.

So anyway, I dress very casual, very creative. I'm not a girly girl by any means. My friends say I need to put more effort into the way I dress and my cousin joked around and said I dress like a Grandma 😑.

Apart from my dress sense. I just don't have much money to buy new clothes.

Anyway, I feel like my boyfriend was a bit of a sick today. So yesterday, myself and my bf went to the cinema very late. Unfortunately, we just missed the start show time and the Cinema staff refused to let us in. Due to that, we went to a restaurant instead and booked ourselves into a hotel as it was very late.

Myself and my boyfriend don't see each other that often. He is very keen but I am going though so many family stuff- so at present we see each other once every four weeks. So at the hotel, we were having sex and then I surprisingly came on my period and was having cramps. My bf because upset saying that "You are always on your period, this always happens, I hardly see you, you know what Galaxy I'm just going to go, can you book a cab please, I bet this didn't happen when you were fucking your lesbian friends (we had broken up for two years and I had one sexual encounter- he did not)". He then calmed down and said ok let's do it but I said no that I'm feeling unwell and he processed to give me water and rub my back.

Anyway, in the morning, he was practically insulting my dress sense... he said "What happened to you, you don't colour coordinate your clothes correctly, you look like a grandma like your cousin said, your friends are not telling you the truth, maybe that's why the cinema people didn't let us in because of the way you presented yourself, just look at you? Even those other girls were looking at you, what happened to that other stuff you were wearing before- that was very nice. If you dress like that again when your with me then I'm just going to go home, you have lost a lot of weight, your clothes just hang off you, please wear those clothes like last time next time".

I'm not being funny, but he doesn't dress all that decent himself. I comment that "oh your wearing that again" but I take him as he is and I don't comment any further because that doesn't matter to me.

He also did something else which I don't feel like sharing on here..But because of what my friends say and cousin, and now my bf should I change what I wear and start to dress more you know... make more of an effort? I have let myself go...

OP posts:
OldFan · 02/07/2022 23:10

Of course you shouldn't feel this way @galaxymilkshake x

He has escalated to physical violence happening several times.

Not just using you for sex as I thought on just reading your OP- abusive and menacing in every way.

You totally could text him and dump him now, block him on everything.

If he stalks you or anything you can call the police. Don't live with this abuse for another three months or more. Sad He won't change- he might act nice for a while to convince you he's changed, but he'd go back to his angry and abusive self eventually.

I don't think you should change your style of dress BTW- if you were a fashion student what you wear probably makes sense; and it doesn't matter anyway, wear what you enjoy.

I try to dress quite demurely to try and fend off users.

Comtesse · 02/07/2022 23:20

Ahhhh he sounds like a massive wrong’un. Please don’t tolerate being treated like this. October is too long away, don’t think you shoukd wait that long Flowers

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 03/07/2022 11:02

the fact you never told your family you were back with him says it all. if he stalks you get police involved, you need to speak to womens aid as well. look at their freedom programme. you are worth more than this

gingersplodgecat · 03/07/2022 12:06

You were a fashion design student so you'll know the work of Vivienne Westwood. Do you think that she ever took heed of what anyone might have said about her unique dress sense, and decided to change her style to something more sedate?

You be you. Dress the way that makes you happy. Bite the bullet and tell your family and friends you made a huge mistake in thinking this man had changed his ways, and that you're determined to leave him once and for good.

Don't stick it out in fear of what he might do if you leave him. The instant he starts any funny business with you or your family, call the police.

Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 03/07/2022 12:32

I just feel like every time he comes back into my life. I always give him another chance. How do I stop this? Can anyone recommend a counsellor so I can stop going back to him. I have done the freedom program twice and another programme and although it has helped me recognised the subtly signs of abuse (I saw it with my ex yesterday- with the blaming, gaslighting) and second guessing my life for him (whereas before I would get back with him automatic). I need ongoing domestic/counselling sessions in order for me to keep away from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 03/07/2022 14:00

He also tried to commit suicide a couple of days ago. He was in hospital. His going through a lot. A situation that is going to have a major impact on his life. Maybe that's why the way he is and he will change once everything runs smoothly again.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 03/07/2022 14:17

galaxymilkshake · 03/07/2022 14:00

He also tried to commit suicide a couple of days ago. He was in hospital. His going through a lot. A situation that is going to have a major impact on his life. Maybe that's why the way he is and he will change once everything runs smoothly again.

You need the Freedom Programme. This is what violent abusive people do, when it isn't going their way they threaten or attempt suicide to get you feeling sorry for them.

You don't even see each other for a month at a time. How many more months are you going to keep this going when you could just easily dump him?

Pinkbonbon · 03/07/2022 14:21

galaxymilkshake · 03/07/2022 14:00

He also tried to commit suicide a couple of days ago. He was in hospital. His going through a lot. A situation that is going to have a major impact on his life. Maybe that's why the way he is and he will change once everything runs smoothly again.

Did he tell you that or did you see him in hospital? Because I wouldn't be surprised of it was more bs.

Also, so what if he suddenly magically became a decent human being afterwords? Why should that mean you should stay with someone who has abused you? How would you know that the next time his life is tough, he wouldnt abuse you more?

Sorry op but he is a horrible human who bullies you. I don't care if someone is going through shit, it doesn't give them the right to put you through it.

Put an end to this toxic situation and get free. It's not your job to mummy him. Or to be his therapist.

corriefan88 · 03/07/2022 14:26

I second what @Pinkbonbon said. I have been in a relationship in the past where a guy claimed he try to kill himself but it was all a lie to try to manipulate me. just be careful @galaxymilkshake , you don't deserve to be hurt anymore by this guy. Even if he is going through a hard time with his mental health, it's still no excuse to treat you like that

PearlClutch · 03/07/2022 17:25

galaxymilkshake · 03/07/2022 14:00

He also tried to commit suicide a couple of days ago. He was in hospital. His going through a lot. A situation that is going to have a major impact on his life. Maybe that's why the way he is and he will change once everything runs smoothly again.

He won't change.

Well, he may worsen.

It is not your job to fix him.

OP, I was you when I was in my early twenties. I knew it wasn't right, I wasn't happy, I made so many excuses, reasons. I mistook drama for passion. I thought intensity and fear was a measure of the depth of our love. (It wasn't. It was just poisonous, toxic obsession. Loving someone in a healthy relationship is not always easy but it is never frightening. It's never sickening, it's not a life-or-death situation).

But it was impossible for me to see at the time; I was underwater. I didn't know myself anymore, and at the time I had no way of knowing just how deep underwater I was, because that is the nature of a coercive, controlling relationship.

Only now, many years later, do I think - thank god I got out. I still have nightmares. I sometimes look back and think I wish someone had told me to get out, but for whatever reason, nobody really did at the time - probably because he'd isolated me from all my friends and family, sowed distrust, battered all the confidence out of me, gaslit me so badly I didn't know which way was up. And now, that I've read more on controlling and coercive relationships, I realise that telling someone to leave doesn't really help. Someone stuck in one of those relationships is already being told what to do, in a thousand ways every day, some subtle, some blatant. I guess you recognise this.

Let me share a secret that I am still ashamed of:

I never left. I never could. He left me. It's the one thing he did that was good and fair, the only thing, really. I think the reason I am on here sometimes trying to help other women to leave is because I never managed to do that for myself.

So I don't know that I can tell you how to leave. If I would have ever managed to get the confidence to leave. If I would have ever been able to. If it's even possible to do so. Some women do, some women make that leap and get out and rejoin the world. (The world, by the way, is a lot simpler, more straightforward, and kinder than it seems when you are stuck in an abusive relationship. It's sort of like falling into what seems dizzily terrifying at first but turns out to be - home. Back into yourself).

You have a thread here of hundreds of women here who are behind you and supporting you.

But the only person who can make that decision is you.

Bon courage. x

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 03/07/2022 17:36

Please don't put up with this shit until October, it will grind you down even more! Break up with him and block him on everything so that he cannot contact you. If he turns up at your home or work call the police! If he harasses your family tell them to call the police. You will be taken seriously and look in to getting a non molestation order.

You can do this!

Can you also contact womens aid they might be able to point you in the right direction regarding counselling.

Good Luck x

Yorkshirelass04 · 03/07/2022 18:53

Leave him and your taste in clothes sounds really fucking cool.

He and friends are possibly jealous.

Original poster
galaxymilkshake · 03/07/2022 19:44

His mum was the one who told me that he attempted suicide last week. She called me hysterical, from hospital, asking me why he overdose on the pills as he wouldn't tell her anything. He attempted suicide on the day that I tried to break things off from him.

OP posts:
ILikeHotWaterBottles · 03/07/2022 19:50

As harsh as it is op, that is not your problem. He has done so much shit to you and he does not give a shit about your feelings, why on earth do you care about his? If he wants to off himself, let him. It is his problem, not yours.

PearlClutch · 03/07/2022 19:50

Right. So are you duty bound to stay with him to save his life?

What about your life?

OldFan · 03/07/2022 19:54

I just feel like every time he comes back into my life. I always give him another chance. How do I stop this?

@galaxymilkshake You just block him on everything and if he comes to the door, don't answer it. Change the locks if he has a key.

Blocking is easy- think of it as just a physical action of your fingers taking a few moments.

Don't get me wrong, you can also access any help/support you need. But don't use that as another excuse to carry on being involved with him- you need to block him ASAP.

His mum was the one who told me that he attempted suicide last week. She called me hysterical, from hospital, asking me why he overdose on the pills as he wouldn't tell her anything. He attempted suicide on the day that I tried to break things off from him.

He knew you would find out about his 'suicide attempt.' It's manipulative to make you feel you have to carry on being involved with him.

OldFan · 03/07/2022 19:55

It's very unlikely he'll actually top himself. Either way, only professional help can really help him with his issues, you can't, so you don't have to be around him.

deedledeedledum · 03/07/2022 19:57

Going against the grain here, we don't know what you look like but if everybody is suggesting you do something with your appearance, perhaps you could look at yourself and think if you want to spruce things up a bit. Not for him. For you. He just sounds like a knob. Who gets angry because a woman is on her period? He blamed youHmm.

AlisonDonut · 03/07/2022 19:59

If it happens again tell his mum that she needs to call the samaritans.

This is all manipulation. You know that right?

AlisonDonut · 03/07/2022 20:00

deedledeedledum · 03/07/2022 19:57

Going against the grain here, we don't know what you look like but if everybody is suggesting you do something with your appearance, perhaps you could look at yourself and think if you want to spruce things up a bit. Not for him. For you. He just sounds like a knob. Who gets angry because a woman is on her period? He blamed youHmm.

She's fine, leave her be. Don't pile on to make her feel worse when she is already being heavily manipulated by him and his mum.

ClearestBlue · 03/07/2022 20:03

This isn’t a relationship, it’s a situationship. End it. Delete his number. Get therapy and dress how YOU want.

BadNomad · 03/07/2022 20:53

The suicide bid is just more manipulation. It is not a reason to stay with someone.

KatherineJaneway · 04/07/2022 00:24

BadNomad · 03/07/2022 20:53

The suicide bid is just more manipulation. It is not a reason to stay with someone.

Totally

KittyKittyKat · 04/07/2022 08:00

This is such a dangerous relationship. He is a damaged, abusive man child!!

You need to make yourself unavailable to him, so he gets bored and leaves you alone. In your shoes, I’d keep saying you have vomiting and diarrhoea. That you can’t leave your toilet and bedroom. That you’re having tests at the GP. Complain about stomach cramps and non stop poo.

It sounds disgusting, but he sounds deranged. He needs to be the one to not want you… hope that makes some sense.

Take care OP!!

Herejustforthisone · 04/07/2022 09:39

The suicide attempt is not your fault. You owe him nothing. Now is a good time to cut everything off as post attempt, he’ll have a lot of support from MH teams. Daily.

I’m afraid some might find it callous, but I’d be walking away at this point and not looking back.