Is my boyfriend right? Should I change how I dress?

[galaxymilkshake]

Just feeling a bit upset but wondering if my boyfriend is in the right.

So anyway, I dress very casual, very creative. I'm not a girly girl by any means. My friends say I need to put more effort into the way I dress and my cousin joked around and said I dress like a Grandma 😑.

Apart from my dress sense. I just don't have much money to buy new clothes.

Anyway, I feel like my boyfriend was a bit of a sick today. So yesterday, myself and my bf went to the cinema very late. Unfortunately, we just missed the start show time and the Cinema staff refused to let us in. Due to that, we went to a restaurant instead and booked ourselves into a hotel as it was very late.

Myself and my boyfriend don't see each other that often. He is very keen but I am going though so many family stuff- so at present we see each other once every four weeks. So at the hotel, we were having sex and then I surprisingly came on my period and was having cramps. My bf because upset saying that "You are always on your period, this always happens, I hardly see you, you know what Galaxy I'm just going to go, can you book a cab please, I bet this didn't happen when you were fucking your lesbian friends (we had broken up for two years and I had one sexual encounter- he did not)". He then calmed down and said ok let's do it but I said no that I'm feeling unwell and he processed to give me water and rub my back.

Anyway, in the morning, he was practically insulting my dress sense... he said "What happened to you, you don't colour coordinate your clothes correctly, you look like a grandma like your cousin said, your friends are not telling you the truth, maybe that's why the cinema people didn't let us in because of the way you presented yourself, just look at you? Even those other girls were looking at you, what happened to that other stuff you were wearing before- that was very nice. If you dress like that again when your with me then I'm just going to go home, you have lost a lot of weight, your clothes just hang off you, please wear those clothes like last time next time".

I'm not being funny, but he doesn't dress all that decent himself. I comment that "oh your wearing that again" but I take him as he is and I don't comment any further because that doesn't matter to me.

He also did something else which I don't feel like sharing on here..But because of what my friends say and cousin, and now my bf should I change what I wear and start to dress more you know... make more of an effort? I have let myself go...

You're not married, you don't live together, and you don't have children (thank fuck). You're not a bit trapped.

You're not stuck Your abusive boyfriend is making you feel trapped
You only feel safe with him in public says it all
Block him right now and free yourself

He hit you, OP! That’s a lot more worrying than his rude comments about your dress sense.

Once the violence starts it only gets worse.

Omg, just leave him, like today

I didn't even read all of this.

Bin this cunt.

Be who you want to be
i stupidly changed my dress style for my bf
i am in my 30s but I’m crazy lol like to wear converse and ripped jeans and little crop tops with my face piercing and loads makeup

my bf hated my face piercing and managed to get me to remove them
now he began on the tattoos so I cover some up on my neck with foundation

he says it looks more polite
but I feel angry like u knew my style when u met me
i don’t mind tho how I look now I gone from emo tomboy to tarty
which I’m sure he hates even more now
lol

but I wish I didn’t change my style
don’t make the mistakes I did
im a shell now to who I use to be

good luck

You need to get rid of the boyfriend! He is verbally and emotionally abusive, and has now started to be physically abusive. You don't need someone like that.

It sounds as if you are trauma bonded to him, which is making it very difficult to end the relationship once and for all. Please do not mistake this for healthy and mutual love.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#causes

You don't need to change. Not 1 bit. The only thing you need to change is your boyfriend. How absolutely dare he be so rude.

Leave this useless idiot, OP.

The only thing you need to change is your bf and your response to your friends and family about how you dress.

The more you post about your half wit bf the worse it gets. His insecurities are not your problem. He simply isn’t worthy of your company.

Move on already!

No

You say you love him but why? Why do you love him? Do you like him? Is this a situation where you love him but you don’t much like him? If so then please leave. If more of us put the emphasise on liking someone then there’d be a lot less shitty relationships (We’ve all heard the ‘he’s horrible to me, he cheats on me, he abuses me ... but I wuv him’). No, don’t love someone you don’t like or who doesn’t like you!

Run for the hills. This guy is a disgusting and abusive cretin. And what he’s doing is abuse. The name calling, putting you down, making you stay up so he can list all your “faults”. Please dump him. I’m so glad that you’re not living with him or are tied because of marriage and kids! He’s taking the abuse a step further each time to see what you’ll put up with. Jab on the ribs now (he never did that before did he?), he might grab your arm next, or just do a little slap. Slowly chipping away at you until he completely breaks you. Insulting friends/family, not being supportive of you.

meanwhile, you’re tying yourself in knots: worrying what mood he’ll be in, what you have to do/dress like/say to stop him getting angry again. That’s no life. And it’s not your fault by the way. You don’t make him behave like that, he chooses to! Leave before you get further enmeshed with this bastard x

You asking ‘is this normal?’ shows that your standards and choices are far from being acceptable that you’d need a lot of therapy, self work and to educate yourself on abusers and how to avoid them, before ever having a boyfriend again. This is absolutely diabolical.

Obviously don’t marry the piece of shit, and do not inflict him as a father on a kid, that would be disgustingly cruel.

OP you know you have to leave him but I think you're struggling with HOW. He is trying to pin you down now because he can sense you are wanting to leave. This is what abusers do. Thank god you have Mumsnet to help you. You need to plan your next steps and how you are going to leave him. It would be best of you could get a friend or family member to help you through this. Is there anyone that you know will support you?

He will fight back and guilt trip you etc etc. I really think you need to contact Women's Aid. They will help you to get away from him. Also I think you should do the Freedom Programme.

I think the best way is to break up with him on a text message, ask him not to contact you again. Do not be drawn into why... or discussing details of what he did / what he promises not to do again. It is all utterly irrelevant. If you see him all that will happen is he will spend hours trying to convince you and control you and make you feel helpless. That is why a text message and blocking him is the only way. Do not give him an opportunity to keep pestering you. Don't give him any tiny glimmer of hope that you might change your mind.

Block him and just stay strong. It would really help if you could go away for a while, is that possible?

Do it OP, you are not trapped at all, you have every freedom right now. You sound quite young and I think it is hard when you're young to realise how free you are. You don't owe him anything. Trapped is being financially reliant, sharing a house and of of course sharing children that he can use as bargaining chips to torment you with.

"Let myself go"

Do yourself one big favour

Today, text him that this relationship is not working for you & that it is over

You will have your freedom to dress & do exactly what you like

You deserve better

I find it bizarre that he's shocked women get a period every 4ish weeks. Like... that's kind of how it works pal

My husband is very smart and dresses very smartly and buys expensive clothes. I never have and he has commented I look a bit slack in my put togetherness. But his solution wasn't to put me down, but to buy me some lovely clothes. He buys me bundles of clothes often and says 'now you can look smart'.

I don't feel put down because it's not an insult. How one dresses is not really important, so it's just a preference.

My main point is if he has an issue with it he can buy you something nice or shut his pie hole.

Does he think you can control your period or something?

What a colossal loser he sounds like, you can definitely do better. Find a guy who loves you for your quirky dress sense and understands basic biology.

I bet your style is really unique and you look awesome!

OP, I love chocolate. I mean really really love it. Chocoholic. I eat it all the time even though it's bad for my teeth and makes me fat. I just can't give it up.

I'm pretty sure though, if a bar of chocolate punched me in the ribs, constantly insulted and belittled me, and I was afraid of it so tiptoed round it all the time, other people were afraid of it, and I couldn't wait to get away from it everytime it was around,and it made me miserable, that's when I'd draw the line.

Never again, no matter how good it tastes for a few minutes.

Forget what little good you somehow see in him. Think about how he really makes you feel. Think about how he is angry and violent both with his words and his body.

You never have to speak to him or see him again. Ever. It'll be 1000 times the relief you feel when you escape after each visit.

One text. It's over.

The you of 10 years time is going to look back at 2022 and go “hahahahaha what on EARTH was I thinking being with that idiot?!”. I promise you. Bin, move on, life your life, enjoy!

Good grief, dump the boyfriend immediately. He sounds truly vile.

The clothes? Up to you. If you want to change them then do so, but it's really your choice. Dress for yourself.

Why is he surprised if you see each other every 4 weeks that you are always on your period. Clearly you have a 28 day cycle.
I wouldn’t put up with this though- his feelings were hurt because he didn’t get sex so he emotionally abused you and made you feel shit about yourself.
get rid- he is a giant red flag.

if YOU want to dress differently YOU can but don’t do it for anyone else