Lack of care from adult daughter

[user1492387367]

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

On the face if it, no its not. But obviously we've only heard from you, so she might have a different perspective. Are you overly demanding? Do you dominate conversation with your issues and show little interest in her? Are you negative or critical? Do you have strong opinions and values that are different from hers and cause arguments?
Lots of mums look back on the things they do for their children and think it buys them a good future relationship, but as two adults, much depends on how you relate to each other now.
If you can look honestly at your own behaviour and say you do none of the things that could alienate her, then yes, you deserve better. Otherwise there may be some changes you need to make to help improve things.

I really don't think her taking you to all your chemo appointments is "minimal involvement".

The answer is it depends op. The truth is providing financially isn’t all that’s involved in being a good parent. There is an emotional side too. In my experience when distance drips in there is always a reason. I wouldn’t classify taking uou there and back to all your chemo appts as minimal involvement and I’d also not classify having a tooth out as a major health issue.

I personally would phone my mum to see how it went, or at least a text message. I always phone if she has had an appointment to do with her health. That being said, I don’t know yours and hers relationship. Could be that you’ve always been there for her and she’s selfish and thoughtless or it could be the total opposite and you haven’t been there emotionally for her as she’s grown up and now there is a wall between you.

Well looking at it the other way round I certainly contacted my kids when they had wisdom teeth removed, visited, asked if they needed anything, took one to dentists when she had dry socket. Doesn't seem a big thing to do to me. Even more so with the cancer.

Yes I think I'd feel let down in your position.

I had one pulled out at the dentist. It was no more complex than pulling out any other tooth. Another one was much more complicated and involved a lot of chipping away at bone. It is not necessarily surgery.

It's completely ungrateful for her to ask you to conceive her and parent her then not pay you back.

Whoops, no it's not. You decided to have a child. She had no choice in the matter. Completely unreasonable to expect pay back for your (admittedly good) parenting when it was your decision to have a child.

I would have called my dad before and after then checked in that evening and the next day but that's indicative of our very close, loving relationship. Throughout my life he has prioritised me, Sipo

Communication is two way. My own mother never contacts me. I know she complains about the long gaps (I call her maybe once every 3 months) to her siblings etc. But then she has never called me. Ever. When I call she doesn't ask about me, if I stopped calling her we would have all the relationship SHE puts in.

Prioritised, supported (emotionally, financially when needed) and loved me - he also refrains from judging, he isn't needy and he is good company. So, we are very close, and I would make sure he feels loved and supported.

What's the backstory with you and your daughter?

Yes it can be straightforward. I had two popped out by my dentist but the other two were much more complex and extremely debilitating.

OP has not specified what sort of extraction she had but presumably it was not straightforward as it is bothering her two days later.

No, I don't think it's an OK way to treat you. The least she could do would be to check that you're alright, especially if she was aware that it would be stressful for you.

What was her childhood like, emotionally?

Did you have a good relationship?

That is a very twisted response and I would have to question your motivation.

The OP has not said she expects her daughter to be grateful for having been conceived and raised, she has explained that she has done her best for her daughter and still does, she’s involved in a helping and supportive capacity. She isn’t saying this to score points, she was answering previous posters’ questions.

To me she sounds like a pretty great mum.

Most parents really do give parenting their all. That isn’t to say that they get it right, but nothing in here indicates that OP has done anything remotely unkind.

It is quite weird the way some people boast about having no time for family.

I call my mum at least once a week and she often calls me, we always check up on each other especially if one of us has been unwell or had surgery. I wouldn’t say my child hood was great and our relationship isn’t the best (we disagree with a lot of things and I’m not keen in her new dh) but we do check up on each other.

It’s hard to say if your wing unreasonable as we don’t know the background, maybe he doesn’t feel that close to you? Maybe she’s busy with life? Maybe you don’t check up in her much either?

This is a fair comment, not just sticking the boot in for no reason.

OP doesn't say her tooth is still bothering her. She says she's bothered that her DD has not contacted her. Doesn't mean it's not bothering her of course but I think you are assuming that.

There is most definitely a massive backstory. In op second post about the private school fees, not one poster up until that point asked what she did for her dd. Why bring that up? That is a very telling statement. I refuse to believe that a child who grew up with loving, supportive parents would not reciprocate that. I also refuse to believe that someone would watch/know their parent going through cancer and keep a distance. There is definitely half the story here.

Quite.

I've not read the full thread (that's for later!) but I agree with posters saying there's a back story, there's more going on here than meets the eye.

It's possible that OP isn't aware though? My Mum has done and said things during my childhood and early adult years that have betrayed my trust and upset me, but she's not aware. I don't like confrontation so just let it slide. Now my Mum needs help (possible dementia) she will have to look elsewhere, but she won't be aware as to why.

Maybe I’m the only one on your side but I’d expect a text at least asking how it went.

Sorry to join the pile on here but if you go talk to my mother she would probably just say the exact same as you did in your post. However as her son I know a very different reality which I worked through after years of addiction and poor self esteem due to her fucked up parenting. I just saw her today for my monthly meet up and I need a cold shower after it because its exactly like seeing her when I was a kid, self obsessed, narcissistic and oblivious to my needs. I'm not saying that is the case for you but I am well aware that lots of women who are mothers are unaware of how damaging they have been to their kids. Maybe the best thing is to reflect yourself and see if there were reasons where your daughter did not get parented properly and if she holds resentment to you for that. It may not be the case but it may also be the case. I do find the UK/ Irish obsession with intense mother child relationships quite baffling. You brought them up to become an adult and now they are, living their own adult life. You can have expectations but they are in no way obligated to meet them. Have a think.

There are thousands of grandparents around the country looking after grand children without charge. Most parents have the grandparent look after DGC to save on Nursery Fees. There are those whose jobs do not fit in with nursery hours so grandparents step in.
I used to look after DGC because of abnormal working hours. When I was injured in a fall I was told I could not go for treatment. When I was scared of a procedure I was told I would be with one of my "D"C. I went alone for that treatment.
It either goes both ways or not at all. Maybe OP your babysitting days are done as a result of this lack of care back to you

It's nice if adult children care and check in, but I don't think you should place expectations on them. She didn't ask to be brought into the world and she doesn't owe you anything for the privilege of being born. She is living her own life so if you care about her you should let her do so.

But she was! She took the OP to her chemo appointments.