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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of care from adult daughter

247 replies

user1492387367 · 01/07/2022 12:41

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

OP posts:
LaMarschallin · 01/07/2022 15:24

You reap what you sow

Indeed.
And a lot of MNetters are going to find that out in 20 to 30 years time when their children go no contact because they didn't realise how stringent the rules were and kissed their GC on the cheek or dressed them in a cardigan they'd bought them because they were excited about seeing the GC in it.
Sadly, the GC will think all this high expressed emotion is normal and won't have a moment to spare for them out of their busy lives because they don't owe the MNetter anything.

No, I'm not talking about me and my DDs; I wasn't a perfect mother and they weren't perfect children. No one is.
But we all love each other and sort things out. Yes, they would have been in touch with me.

I'd hide this thread if I were you, OP (as I'm going to do when I've written this).
MN is a very small community compared with the general population and a lot of posters are here because they have issues. Yes, some caused by their parents.
But imo it's not a normal, representative population. Just be grateful you're not posting as a MiL!

User3568975431146 · 01/07/2022 15:26

Presumably you haven't called her to make sure she's ok??

I am low contact with my mother for very good reason although she'd sound exactly like you!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 15:26

It's hard to know the context but I can say that for me, I would not think to make contact after such a minor procedure. I also have moved on in my relationship with some of my family. They don't look after me. When I was hospitalised with sepsis, some of them never made contact. I realise that my mental health is better when I detach from them and I'm no longer willing to care for people who don't care for me. Our relationship is detached and superficial but it can only be more if they want to make it so. Me caring for them and getting nothing bacl was too draining. You can't expect your daughter to care for you now because you spent money on her education. It's about mutual emotional care. I'm not saying you don't offer this but it's worth wondering I guess whether she feels looked after in the relationships especially if anxiety is dominating you.

strawberriesarenot · 01/07/2022 15:31

The cancer care, well she did actually do quite a lot, if she fitted that in with a full time job and children.
Also, if you are anxious, maybe she feels playing it down is the best way to manage things, rather than too much drama.
I would never mention something like a tooth extraction to my adult dcs, it just wouldn't occur to me.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2022 15:31

HollowTalk · 01/07/2022 13:16

There are some really callous responses here. I feel sorry for you OP, you have obviously done a lot for your daughter and now you're needing a bit of support she's nowhere to be seen. Sometimes I think when we do a lot for our children they grow up to be a bit selfish and thoughtless.

^^This.

You don't give to receive but it's not unreasonable to hope for some thought and care from the people we've helped so much (and I don't mean financially)

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2022 15:32

Provenceinthesummer · 01/07/2022 15:16

You can see the battle axes on here as clear as day puffed up with indignation with echoes of ‘after ALL I have done for you!’
and the age old response ‘ I didn’t ask to be born’ /privately educated/etc’

you would think progress would demand that we would move on a little at some point wouldn’t you!

gransnet is that way op >>>>>> more suitable crowd

'Battle-axes'?

Lalosalamanca · 01/07/2022 15:33

If you feel she doesn't care, then she probably doesn't. Now why is that? I think you paid for private education and did her childcare etc etc and believe this earns you her love. If only it were that easy ey.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2022 15:33

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 15:26

It's hard to know the context but I can say that for me, I would not think to make contact after such a minor procedure. I also have moved on in my relationship with some of my family. They don't look after me. When I was hospitalised with sepsis, some of them never made contact. I realise that my mental health is better when I detach from them and I'm no longer willing to care for people who don't care for me. Our relationship is detached and superficial but it can only be more if they want to make it so. Me caring for them and getting nothing bacl was too draining. You can't expect your daughter to care for you now because you spent money on her education. It's about mutual emotional care. I'm not saying you don't offer this but it's worth wondering I guess whether she feels looked after in the relationships especially if anxiety is dominating you.

Caring for her daughter's children didn't count, then?

Provenceinthesummer · 01/07/2022 15:34

I don’t think we can even demand others to ‘care’ whatever the subject, you have no idea what they are going through/deal with.

if you want to chat give her a call and drop the expectation

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 15:34

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2022 15:33

Caring for her daughter's children didn't count, then?

Show quote history

I'm talking about emotional care which is what the OP is asking for.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2022 15:35

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 01/07/2022 14:31

1- love in a parent -child relationship is not a transactional thing. You having sent her to private school looked after her dcs etc… doesn’t mean that AUTOMATICALLY she has to do X and Y for you.
Ive done a lot for my dcs. I never did that on ten assumption they will look after me later on. I did because I love them and wanted to beat for them.

2- I agree about the fact that many people don’t see their parents as people with their struggles. That’s usually because parents have shielded their dcs for. Their struggles (which most parents will do) and the dcs don’t have any awareness of what going on or how bad it is. My parents are certainly like This.

3- I’d be interested to see what your dd is saying. Ime in such situation, there is often a big backstory. Your dd might have seen you looking after the dcs as her doing you a favour (you got to spend time with the dgc). Paying Uni fees isnt that uncommon and she certainly never asked to go to a private school.

I've looked and still look after my DGC.

I love them to bits.

I would still love them to bits if I didn't look after them

Trust me, I don't do it for my benefit.

WisherWood · 01/07/2022 15:41

I worked to pay for private school & paid her uni fees. Looked after her children to save on child care fees, during holidays , babysitting to allow her & husband to go out at night. Have supported her to allow her to be successful in her job and helped so much with her children.

That sounds quite transactional OP. The fact you did these things for her is good, but it doesn't mean she then owes you. You chose to have a child. Supporting them through school and uni is part of that. Adding to it by paying private school fees will have been your choice, not hers.

I can't flat out say how she should be treating you. There's no real should or shouldn't about it. It's not as if there's a contract there and it will depend on the individual dynamics of your relationship. One thing to bear in mind - health anxieties are exhausting, both for the sufferer and those close to them. I can well imagine that if she's busy with her own family she might not have the energy to take on your health anxieties as well.

Call her at the weekend, have a chat. But if the tooth extraction went ok, try not to talk to her about it. Just see how she is and what she's up to. Just having that chat and contact may make you feel better, without dwelling on what you feel you're owed.

ladydoris · 01/07/2022 15:43

I had one removed and never expected a call. If you need something call and tell her. She is not a medium.

nightcapers · 01/07/2022 15:43

Apologies,I haven't read every response on this thread.
I'm a mother of four daughters,all grown up now,and each one of them would absolutely have checked on me after having a wisdom tooth out.
It could be they are a little more protective as l am a widow.
It could be that we genuinely care about each other and each others little and not so little ups and downs.
I don't think that's exceptional?
I'm not in any way a perfect mother!
OP I hope you're feeling better!

Blueberry111 · 01/07/2022 15:43

Yes actually I do think she has an obligation to her mother. She's sacrificed a lot - I understand this as I have small children and things you do for them I do wish they will appreciate, reciprocate to me when Im old. The tooth extraction - yes maybe a bit extreme in comparison to her cancer. But the fact that she wasn't there for her during her cancer treatment is quite appalling I must say.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2022 15:44

I wouldn't feel I would have to ring about a wisdom tooth. But sorry you are feeling neglected by your daughter. Difficult to say if she is being generally uncaring without knowing more.

Barney60 · 01/07/2022 15:45

I dont think its being needy to expect a form of contact.
I would of called my mum, and would expect from my daughter a txt/ whats app mess to see if i was ok or needed anything after a wisdom tooth extraction,
as i do to her.
No its not major but still upsetting.
I know everyones very busy with their own lives but it takes only 5 seconds to txt a mess saying hope your ok.
Simply put, in my opinion it shows they care and have thought of you.

angela99999 · 01/07/2022 15:45

I recently went with my adult daughter when she had two wisdom teeth removed. She often has a severe reaction to the anaesthetic and hates going at the best of times.

I certainly wouldn't expect her to go with me to an appointment, I've no problems with going by myself and she's a single parent with a full-time job. I wouldn't expect her to give up a precious day's holiday.

Play8063 · 01/07/2022 15:46

I smell a narcissistic backstory but OK

Here are your 1000 red flags op

Yabu

ladydoris · 01/07/2022 15:48

You might be showered you might never know.

fUNNYfACE36 · 01/07/2022 15:49

YANBU
I would have been there for my mum. A wisdom tooth out is surgery, and usually requires a couple of days off work in a young healthy person. I would certainly have rung to check up at least

UnimpeachableBravery · 01/07/2022 15:51

And a lot of MNetters are going to find that out in 20 to 30 years time when their children go no contact because they didn't realise how stringent the rules were and kissed their GC on the cheek or dressed them in a cardigan they'd bought them because they were excited about seeing the GC in it.

No one goes NC purely for those reasons.

ladydoris · 01/07/2022 15:51

Big hugs OP you are not my mum, but I really hope that you get out of the excruciating pain quickly. The first days are super tough.

Cyw2018 · 01/07/2022 15:57

UnimpeachableBravery · 01/07/2022 15:51

And a lot of MNetters are going to find that out in 20 to 30 years time when their children go no contact because they didn't realise how stringent the rules were and kissed their GC on the cheek or dressed them in a cardigan they'd bought them because they were excited about seeing the GC in it.

No one goes NC purely for those reasons.

You really have NO idea.

I'm no contact with my mother due to years of emotional abuse.

Before my dad's funeral (when I was suffering from hyperemesis but too early to tell extended family, my mother new) she asked me to look after HER cousin who would be attending alone, a man 20 years older than me who I had met a handful of times in my life. I ignored, but she cornered me outside the crem, immediately after the service to remind me what she had ASKED me to do. My own dad's funeral FFS. I will never forgive her.

In my mother's eyes my feelings have absolutely zero importance to her, and anybody else's needs come in front of mine regardless of the circumstances.

alfieum · 01/07/2022 16:03

I can't believe all the replies here. OP she does sound self centred. I would have called my mum and would have looked after her during her treatment. My mum has only looked after my kids about 6 times their whole lives and never given me financial support or as much support as you have given your daughter. She is my mum and it is good to look after her.
It sounds like you have been taken for granted.