Lack of care from adult daughter

[user1492387367]

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

Exactly

Stop babysitting her dc. Time to treat her the way she treats you.

So its not about the tooth at all. To be honest I would have no idea if my Dad had had a tooth or nor he if I did.

You sound like you believe she should be grateful for you paying for her to go to private school and by paying her fees. I dont think there should be some kind of 'balance sheet' dynamic between children and parents. She did take you too and from appointments which is more than some people would have done.

Do you think all of that means she has an obligation towards you?

Have you asked your DD how she's is recently and then actually listened to the answer?

You've had a tough time, but that doesn't necessarily mean her life has been running along perfectly in the mean time.

If you're so bothered ring her. maybe she's got stuff going on too.

Hold on, what's this 'you reap what you sow' nonsense?
None of us have any idea how the OP has brought her child up.

Well you could reframe it as she took you to every chemo appointment for the full 3 months?

Honestly it's just a tooth extraction, I wouldn't have phoned my DM specially for that.

What age are you ?

Op it’s difficult to say, my mum was very strict and used to verbally abuse me and smack me. I wouldn’t particularly look after her. However I am different with my dc. I think I am loving and encouraging. I would hope that they would care enough to check up on me.

its interesting you mention paying for her school fees, I hope you don’t throw that back in her face. I chose to put my dc in a private school and would not use it as a reason for them to maintain a relationship with me.

Very minimal involvement during my years cancer treatment. Dropped me off & picked me up at the hospital for the chemo every 3 weeks for 3 months
I wouldn’t say this is minimal, if she works then I think that’s good that she was able to do that.

Never came to see me & check I was ok
She saw you every few weeks? And I assume you spoke on the phone too?

I worked to pay for private school & paid her uni fees.
Don’t throw this back at her. She was a literal child. You do things as a parent with love, not to tally up a score that you want her to pay you back for.

It sounds like you want to improve your relationship, which is admirable. But being all ‘poor me’ or your owe me’ is not the way to do it.

sorry about your cancer but please dont use the fact you paid for things to use against her

its very manipulative-maybe she was scared and dint know what to do

my df does this about my dsis who has no contact wiht him-"after everything ive paid for her she treats me like this-i cant stand all that its irrelevant

There are some really callous responses here. I feel sorry for you OP, you have obviously done a lot for your daughter and now you're needing a bit of support she's nowhere to be seen. Sometimes I think when we do a lot for our children they grow up to be a bit selfish and thoughtless.

You may have done all that but what sort of mother were and are to her emotionally speaking?. I think you know why she does not contact you very often and you're basically saying to her, "after all I've done for you" thus piling on the obligation. She does not owe you anything.

I agree with @HollowTalk, more about how you have helped with children etc rather than what you did when she was a child. You've helped her out a lot and she sounds like she's doing the bare minimum with you. My mum has done a lot less for me than you have for your daughter and I grew up witnessing domestic violence but I would still do more for her than she's done for you if she had cancer.

I'm very at posts like these. Children do not turn out to be so cold for no good reason. There is most certainly one side being painted here, the very tone of what you have done for her is telling. What does paying for private school have to do with anything - you outed yourself there!!

All the support you list that you’ve given each other is financial or practical but really how much somebody cares about you far more depends on how much you’ve supported and been there for them emotionally. The relationship sounds very transactional, you help with childcare and she helps with taxiing you about, but do you actually have a close emotional relationship? Do you support each other in ways which aren’t practical/ financial?

All the things you’ve listed you’ve done for your daughter are just services really (childcare, babysitting etc), what about the things that really matter and show you love someone? What do you do for each other that builds that emotional connection? Do you spend quality time together?

If you don’t have a close relationship then it’s not unreasonable to want one, but you need to put in the work to build that emotional connection as it’s not something you can buy with expensive schooling or babysitting.

No that doesn’t sound like a balanced, reciprocal relationship.

However it doesn’t sound like you have an emotionally close relationship with your daughter. It comes across that you are trying to get her to be someone who will look after you and she doesn’t seem to be willing to be that person for you. It is a pity but there is definitely something missing in the relationship between you and a relationship is made up of two people so there are likely issues with the interactions from both sides as there always is. When that happens both parties need to be willing to work on changing the dynamics to improve the situation so unless both you and your daughter are willing it just won’t be possible. I have that situation with my own mother too and I know it is very sad for both sides so I’m sorry you are experiencing that.

From your update, that doesn't sound good and very selfish on her part. Do you have other kids?

If your phone accepts incoming calls, it'll probably make an outgoing one too.

Do you want her to care about you or be obligated to you?
I would probably send my Mum a text after a tooth extraction but that’s all

You reap what you sow is not always the case.
People can be cold and callous no matter how they are raised.I think the more selfless you are as a mother,the more is taken for granted.In fact,you can love and spoil and idolise children who then grow up to be selfish narcissists.
Why should you not expect your child to actually care about you?Some people here are being deliberately obtuse,or just trying to be hurtful.
Only advice I can give,expect nothing and be independent and live your life for you.Dont let it get you down,its not worth it.

nasty, unnecessary comment!

It’s dental work not an amputation!
I wouldn’t expect anyone to care about this unless you were hospitalised with a complication.
why on earth you would expect a fuss over a bit of dental work?

you don’t seem to appreciate what she is doing, taking you to your appointments for three months is extremely caring and supportive.

is this a reverse??

Do you have other children?
if so, why aren’t they helping?

I speak to my mother as little as possible. Maybe your daughter is getting on with her own life. It's only a wisdom tooth.